InsaneJournal

A gift for nqdonne!
Author: ???
Giftee: nqdonne
Title: Yes, Minister
Pairing: Percy/Teddy
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: ~3800
Warnings: Cross-gen, obviously. Blatant references to Australian current events, the Yes Minister/YPM series, Love, Actually and William Gladstone. One tiny arse lick.
Author’s Note: For nqdonne, who gave an intriguing suggestion of Auror Teddy as bodyguard to Minister Percy. I took that and ran with it. I honestly forgot about Teddy being a metamorphmagus while writing this, but I hope you like it anyway! Thanks to M for the beta.
Disclaimer: I am not a plagiarist! I have end notes! No money was made, blah blah blah.


When Percy walked into his office after a very harrowing lunch meeting with the Muggle Relations secretary, he wanted nothing more than to sit down in his nice comfortable desk chair and have five minutes to himself. Preferably with a nice, steaming cup of tea.

Instead, he got an afternoon of chaos.

For when Percy opened the door and looked across to his desk, what should he see but a cloaked, hooded figure kneeling in front of his chair, sniffing the upholstery* of the seat and wanking furiously.

Percy coughed.

The interloper stilled, gave a shuddering gasp, then disapparated with a crack.

This was not on.

“Creevey!” Percy shouted.

Dennis rounded the corner, breathless. He held a quill and clipboard at the ready. “Yes, sir?”

Percy continued to stare at his chair, perplexed.

“There was someone in here. Just now. I think they were... well. Tossing off, actually. And...”

Dennis’s face portrayed his shock, but he held himself together well enough to ask, “And what, sir?”

Percy’s brows knitted together. “And I think he was smelling my chair.”

Dennis’s jaw dropped.

Percy approached his desk slowly, Dennis close behind him. Together, in perfect synchronicity, they peered around the side of the desk and down to Percy’s chair.

A surprisingly large amount of ejaculate was spattered on the chair and the floor beneath it.

“There’s so much of it,” Percy whispered in awe.

“I’m calling in the Aurors, sir,” Dennis whispered back.

“That was my favorite chair.”

Dennis nodded solemnly.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry sat across from Percy and gave him a hard stare.

“Look. It’s like this. When you took office we reset all of the wards on this place. These included anti-apparition wards as well as the other standard wards against unwanted communications, magic with intent to harm, etc. Sometime between 6 months ago and now, someone removed several of these wards. Someone determined, too, because they were pretty damn well done, if I do say so myself. I set them. Now, do you have any idea who would want to do that?” He gave Percy a searching look.

Percy shifted in his new chair uncomfortably and flushed.

“Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

“...”

“Bloody hell, Percy! A person doesn’t just go to all the trouble to be able to apparate in and out of the Minister for Magic’s private office for no reason. Is there something missing? If you know something you need to tell me. If you care about the safety of yourself and of your staff you need to tell me. I can’t find out who it is until you do.”

Percy slumped and scrubbed at his face with his hands.

“Watch your language, Harry,” he sighed. “I am your boss now, you know.” He picked up his tea and took a fortifying sip. “And to answer your question, whoever this man was, was erm, snermhashrenwnkin.”

Harry blinked owlishly.

“He what?”

“He was kneeling in front of my chair, sniffing the seat, and he wanked all over the floor there,” Percy enunciated. “Dennis cast cleaning charms and we changed the rug and chair.”

“Let me get this clear. He sniffed your chair?”

Much to Percy’s dismay the Head Auror began to laugh. A knee slapping, howling, so-hard-you-cry laugh.

“Oh, Percy,” he choked out. “You have--” Another fit of laughter. Tears were simply streaming down his cheeks and Percy was getting deeply annoyed.

“I miss my chair. This is not funny!”

Just then, Dennis came in with more tea and fairly glared at Harry for laughing.

“Anything else, sir?” he asked with a frown.

“No, Dennis. That’ll be all, thank you,” he said, dismissing him.

Harry collected himself. “I’m sorry. Sorry. Oh. Oh. No. You’re right. It’s not.” He tried again. “You have yourself a stalker. One who must like your cologne.” He suppressed another laugh.

Percy huffed. “I don’t wear cologne. It makes me ill.”

“Your aroma, then.” Harry continued to smile mirthfully.

“I need protection, Harry. You are not taking this seriously!” Percy rather wanted to smack the smile off Potter’s face. It seemed like it would be incredibly satisfying.

“I agree, and yes I am.” The smile finally faded. “Here’s what we’re going to do. We’ll replace the wards with new ones in triplicate, and have them alarmed should someone interfere with them. We’re going to do the same to the Minister’s residence. Finally, I’m going to assign you an auror to be with you around the clock.”

“All the time? Even at home?” Percy asked, not at all enthused.

“Yes. Everywhere,” he affirmed.

“If you think that I’m going to put up with some stranger hanging about–”

“Relax, Percy,” Harry interrupted. “I’m giving you Teddy Lupin.”

“Teddy Lupin? Isn’t he sixteen?”

Harry looked annoyed. “No. He is not sixteen. Honestly.” He shook his head. “He’s 21, and has been a cadet in the department for three years now. He’ll be perfectly fine for the job, and he can be discreet because he’s a metamorphmagus. You’ve met him plenty of times and not even realised it.”

Percy scrunched up his nose. “Really?”

Harry rolled his eyes. “Yes, really. Remember that press witch that kept cutting off Rita Skeeter at your first press conference?”

“The one who was making eyes at me?”

“Well that was him in– wait, what?”

Percy shook his head quickly. “Nothing. Wrong one, sorry.”

Harry looked at him oddly then went on. “So are we in agreement on this plan?”

Percy gave a resigned sigh. “I suppose so. Thank you.”

Harry took that at as his cue to leave.

“Watch out for yourself, Percy. And next time don’t banish the evidence, alright? You should know better. If you hadn’t done that we could have found him already. Oh, and Teddy will be by before you go home.”

He was finally alone.

As he finished off the dregs of his now cold tea, he shifted his arse around in his replacement chair. Again.

He was going to need to go shopping for a new one.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sorry, Minister. What was that last bit again?”

“When has there ever been achieved in this country so great a step in advance towards the attainment of an object which we believe to be vital to the welfare of the nation? It is not all done at once - it cannot be all done at once. A measure so great and comprehensive, and at the same time so novel, cannot be perfect. The differences of opinion that prevail in this free country make it quite impossible to meet the views of all. Indulgence, equity, the sacrifice of extreme opinions, must be asked for in every quarter. But I ask those who are least satisfied with the Act this one and simple question - Whether it is not a great step, nay, a great stride, achieved upon the path of real progress?.”**

Dennis frowned at his transcription. “Pardon me, Minister, but isn’t this letter about the cauldron bottoms again?”

Percy nodded hastily. “Yes, that’s right. Have you got all that?”

“Yes, Minister,” he replied, rolling up the parchment and tucking his quill behind his ear.

“The ear, Dennis,” Percy reprimanded.

“Of course, Minister. Sorry.” He removed the offending quill and paused at the door.

“I’ve sent your cleaning to your house, sir, and I sent a nice arrangement to the Longbottoms.”

“Well done, Dennis. That will be all.” The secretary’s face lit up at the praise.

“Are you sure, Minister? I could always–”

“No, thank you Dennis. You may go. And leave the door open on the way out if you would.”

“Is that a good idea, sir? What if–”

“It’s quite alright,” Percy interrupted. “I’m expecting my Auror detail.”

Dennis finally left, a worried expression still plastered to his face. Percy heaved a sigh of relief. It was somewhat draining to be fawned over to such a degree.

He sat, idly thumbing through a muggle furniture catalog as he waited for Teddy Lupin’s arrival.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“So you want to go chair shopping, then? Er, Minister?”

Percy shook his head at the unassuming young man who stood in front of him. He had loosely cut ash brown hair, a somewhat serious expression and rather gorgeous hazel eyes.

Oh dear.

“No. No no. Please call me Percy. I’ve known you since you were... well, a long time, anyway,” he finished lamely.

Teddy Lupin smiled broadly, and Percy found himself staring, transfixed, at two rows of heavenly teeth. As the moments ticked by, Teddy’s smile faltered.

“I’ve got something on them, haven’t I? I told myself that I shouldn’t have the pesto because I’d just end up with shit in my teeth in front of the bloody Minister for Magic.” He inhaled sharply. “I can’t believe I’ve just said that.” His face was a picture of nervousness as he continued to ramble on. “And now I’ve gone and said shit. Twice.”

“Well, you could have said fuck and then we’d have a real problem,” Percy replied with a straight face.

Teddy’s eyes widened in surprise and he relaxed slightly. “I had a premonition I was going to fuck up on my first assignment. Oh piss it!” He clamped both hands to the front of his mouth.

“It’s alright. Nothing I haven’t heard before. Just relax,” Percy reassured him, laughing gently. “I’ll get my things and you can help keep me from buying a fuck ugly chair, yes?”

Teddy’s grin was back in full force. “Yes, Minister! I mean Percy. I’m sure I can help you there.” He squared his shoulders and attempted a professional demeanor. “I’ll just go and check the route to the floo and then come back for you. Will you wait here for a minute?” he asked politely.

Percy smiled back. “Of course, Teddy.”

He couldn’t help but notice the firm, round, biteable arse he was presented with, even while hidden beneath Auror robes, as the young man left the room.

Ah.

Oh, no.

That was so inconvenient.***

~~~~~~~~~~~

Chair shopping with Teddy Lupin was a very pleasant exercise, Percy thought. He was going to go straight to Morris & Co. Fine Craftswizard Furniture, but noticed that Teddy sniffed a bit at the suggestion.

“Don’t get me wrong, their stuff is well made and has very nice lines, but it wouldn’t really fit the office. And well... it’s a bit trendy these days, isn’t it?” he added apologetically.

Percy considered. “I suppose you’re right. What would you suggest?”

Teddy looked around for a long moment. “Let’s see. Well, you’ve got a sort of Regency thing going on. If you wanted to try something comfortable in a different style you could go with an ergonomic Danish Modern piece– which transcends trendiness in my opinion.”

Percy blinked owlishly. “I have no idea what you just said.”

Teddy flushed, but continued. “Or perhaps something mid-century modern. You know, black stuffed leather with chrome details. That should be right up your alley. I mean, look at your hat.”

Percy eyed the fedora perched on his desk.

“Yes. I think I see what you mean.” He looked at Teddy with surprise. “You seem to have a much better idea what to look for than I do. Where would you suggest we find this ideal chair?”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Teddy walked quickly through the rows of chairs at the muggle furniture store he suggested. Percy practically had to run after him to keep up. Suddenly Teddy stopped and stared at one in particular.

He began to mumble to himself looking back and forth quickly between Percy’s own person and the chair. Percy felt the heat creep up his neck as he was carefully scrutinized. Teddy’s eyes seemed to rake over his midriff, in particular, and for a long moment he actually seemed to be staring at his crotch.

Suddenly Teddy licked his lips, which was very distracting, walked right up to him, put his arms around his waist and grabbed his arse.

Firmly.

Percy was shocked into stillness as Teddy’s large hands groped his backside, molding over the curves of his buttocks and seemingly massaging back and forth. His oh Merlin so lovely chest was pressed against his own. He smelled incredible. Clean, with a hint of sweat. Percy’s breath quickened and his cock was inflating rapidly. Any second and there would be no hiding it.

“Er, Teddy?” he asked, his voice pitched high.

“Hmm?” Oh Godric, he hummed.

“What... that is to say... what are you doing?”

Teddy stepped away from Percy and flushed. “Testing.”

“Testing?” he asked skeptically. “My arse?”

Teddy nodded quickly. “Of course. For the stuffing.”

“The stuffing?” Percy replied weakly.

“That’s right. We don’t want you to buy something that’s going to make your rear end fall asleep. Most people would just say to use a cushioning charm, but I say that’s no justification for poor craftsmanship. Just be cause we’re you-know-what doesn’t mean we should cut corners.”

“You know what?” Percy looked lost.

Teddy tapped the side of his nose. “Secrecy sir. Remember?”

Comprehension dawned on him. “Yes! Yes, of course.”

Percy finally took a good look at the chair in front of him. It was perfect. Plump cushions, sturdy legs with little wheels to glide around and spin on. And it was upholstered in a buttery looking black leather. He sat down gingerly and immediately felt as though wrapped in a hug. His bones relaxed and his eyes closed as his head lolled back onto it. It was the most comfortable chair he’d ever sat in.

He looked up at Teddy, who was watching him with a satisfied expression.

“Good, eh?” he asked, grinning.

Percy’s relaxed smile reached his eyes. “Merlin, yes! I’m buying this chair and then I’m buying you dinner.”

Teddy looked chuffed. “Why thank you, Percy.”

“No, Teddy. Thank you.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was wonderful. They went to a little place that specialised in casual Northern Italian. Teddy ordered for them and chose the wine as well. Everything was delicious and the conversation was lively. Percy found Teddy fascinating. He was a mere twenty-one, yet knew so very much about so many things that Percy had never had a chance to learn about.

It dawned on him that another man might consider the young man’s opinionated suggestions annoying, or bossy even. But to Percy they were delivered with such unassuming frankness that he was happy to comply. And so far every suggestion was spot on. His tastes suited Percy perfectly.

As the days passed, he became incredibly comfortable with Teddy’s constant presence. He was so thoughtful and considerate, and when they were alone together Percy felt like a burden was lifted. He would let his young bodyguard’s voice wash over him as he nattered on about something or other. Percy’s eyes were constantly drawn to his mouth.

Merlin, was he ever easy on the eyes. He was only slightly shorter than Percy himself, and very fit. His jaw was soft yet masculine, and those eyes of his– totally disarming. A very stimulating young man.

And very stimulating to be two doors down from.

~~~~~~~~~~~

That Friday was an exercise in frustration.

First he was forced to watch a wet Teddy walk down the hall to the guest room with nothing but a small towel around his hips and a half-lidded glance over his shoulder as Percy watched. This resulted in yet another furious wank in the shower. It was becoming a routine.

Then he was practically dragged into his office for what amounted to a telling off by his chief of staff, Terry Boot, who was approaching apoplexy.

“Minister. I must strongly protest in the strongest possible terms, my profound opposition to a newly instituted practice which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy and which will in all probability, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated, precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication and culminate in a condition of organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis which will render effectively impossible the coherent and coordinated discharge of the function of government within the wizarding community of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.”****

“You mean you haven’t been keyed back into the wards yet?”

Boot gave an angry nod.

“I’ll tell Dennis,” he sighed.

Later that morning he had another frustrating conversation with Boot about his duties during the upcoming visit from the Bulgarian Minister of Magic, and even Dennis treated him like an imbecile.

“The head of government must greet a head of government even if he's not here as the head of government,” Boot explained.

Dennis nodded in agreement. “It's all a matter of hats, Minister.”

“Hats?”

“Yes. You see, he is coming here wearing his Quidditch team owner hat, he is the head of government too– but it's not an official government visit because he's not wearing his head of government hat. Yet protocol demands that even though he's wearing his Quidditch team owner hat, he must still be met by the Minister for Magic.”*****

“Sod it,” replied Percy.

Then he sat through an inappropriately stimulating lunch with Teddy. The man chose an upscale chippy, for Merlin’s sake. Percy had to watch the man lick his fingers and take bites out of long objects, fluids dripping down his chin. Fortunately, he remembered he had a final meeting with Boot that afternoon, which was enough to kill his erection before Teddy saw him stand up.

And wasn’t that one of the more pointless meetings he’d ever had. Though... listening to Boot talk in circles was endlessly fascinating to Percy. The man could go on for hours if allowed. He was a born bureaucrat, and not a small part of Percy admired him for it. The latest rant was about the staff interrogations by the Auror department.

“If there had been any warning about the interviews, which there has not been, then I would have been able to put it in my diary. However, I am now faced with certain members of the staff who have been forced to shirk certain responsibilities in order to give testimony, and I have now not only a staff that is behind in it’s duties but one that is ill equipped to deal with the demands involved in playing catch-up.”

“Ill equipped? What member of staff, in specific, are you referring to?”

“Surely you’ve noticed that Mr. Creevey has not been by with tea since 9 o’clock this morning,” Boot replied stiffly.

Percy looked at his empty cup.

“Bugger this. I’m going home.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Percy and Teddy were dusting off the floo powder when they heard the thumping coming from upstairs.

They looked at each other and Teddy raised a finger to his lips and gazed at Percy with a decidedly worried expression.

“Promise me you’ll stay here while I look.”

“Why should I do that? It’s not as though I haven’t fought before.”

“That doesn’t matter,” he replied urgently. “If anything were to happen to you... I’m here to protect you and you’ll do as I say.”

Percy couldn’t work out whether or not it was wrong to be so turned on.

Teddy turned to whisper from the door, pointing his finger in command. “Stay.”

Percy seriously considered rutting against the sofa before he remembered why Teddy had left in the first place. He quietly made his way up the stairs only to find Teddy standing at Percy’s door, mouth open in shock. Percy walked up behind him and peered inside.

The sight of his chief of staff’s bare arse bouncing in the air as he humped Percy’s mattress was the stuff of which nightmares were made.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Percy handed Teddy a bourbon and plopped down on the settee.

Teddy noticed immediately that Percy was out of sorts.

“Rough day?” he asked gently. He placed his hand on Percy’s shoulder and rubbed slightly.

Percy groaned and shivered, leaning into the touch.

“You have no idea.”

Teddy placed his drink on the side table and moved behind Percy, placing a hand on each shoulder. He began to massage his shoulders. Percy froze for a split second before deciding to just go ahead and give in, embarrassing erections be damned.

He suddenly knew exactly what he was going to do. He was going to have another drink or two, flirt shamelessly, and make his move. Because if Teddy wasn’t up for it, then he wasn’t Minister for Magic.

“Better, yeah?”

“Hmm. That feels entirely too good, you know,” Percy crooned.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it,” Teddy replied softly. “Are you glad it’s over?”

Percy turned to look up at him. “Half of it, yes. However... there’s quite a lot about this past week that I enjoyed.”

Teddy’s cheeks colored slightly.

“I’m also relieved beyond belief that it wasn’t Dennis Creevey. I’d have hated to lose him.”

“No, not Dennis. You were already aware of his affection for you, then?”

Percy sighed. “Yes. It’s never interfered with his job, though. Poor thing. He’s not at all my type.”

“Too male?” Teddy asked, knocking back the rest of his bourbon.

“No. That part’s just right.”

Teddy raised his eyebrows and smiled slowly.

“Too fawning, actually. He’s just like a little puppy seeking approval from his master. I could never bear it.”

Teddy poured them both another. “So... you like men, then?” He fixed Percy with a steady gaze that never wavered even as he sipped.

Percy stared back, letting his eyes settle between the other man’s legs.

“I should say so, yes.”

Teddy put down his glass and began to slowly unbutton the top of his shirt.

“Might a make a suggestion?”

Percy’s eyes were glued to Teddy’s fingers. “Go on, then,” he breathed. Teddy had reached the third button.

“First, you strip,” he said in a low voice. “Then you lay back and relax while I suck you off.”

Percy’s mouth went dry.

“Finally, you bend over the back of that chair while I fuck you. Minister.”

Percy nodded slowly, appearing to consider.

“An excellent suggestion, Auror Lupin,” he whispered.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Feeling that nimble tongue gliding back and forth across his hole was blissful.

Teddy’s strong hands rubbing up and down his back and buttocks were beyond soothing.

He pressed into Percy slowly, and his gentle thrusts sent little shocks of pleasure through Percy’s groin.

“You feel so good,” Teddy gasped, between licks and nips at his back. “A...perfect...fit.”

Percy moaned as he felt his cock re-awaken under the onslaught. Still in proper working order, he thought to himself. Nothing like a younger man, he decided. Especially this particular one.

“Grab the...unh...arm...unh...gonna fuck you harder,” he ground out.

“Fuck me I love it when you command,” Percy gushed.

“Yeah?” He asked as he began pounding Percy’s arse.

“Fuck yes, Teddy,” he grunted. “Tell me what to do.”

“Call me Auror Lupin when you come, Minister.”




Teddy pulled Percy tight against him as they melted into the sofa. They’d been kissing for the last half-hour. It had been a big day, and Percy was exhausted.

“I’ll sleep with you tonight, if you don’t mind,” he said into Teddy’s neck. “As much as I like this sofa, I don’t think that it will be very comfortable to sleep on.”

“Yes, do. I wouldn’t want to sleep in your room now, either.”

Percy eyed Teddy speculatively.

“Er. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about mattresses, would you?”




* Recently happened in Australia. Mr. Troy Buswell sniffed a fellow politician’s seat. His tearful apology made headlines on April 29th, 2008.

** From the speech of William Gladstone to his Greenwich constituents, October 28, 1871.

*** From Love, Actually.

**** & ***** Both exchanges lifted adapted from Yes, Prime Minister, one of the funniest shows ever made, imho.