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Lydia Martin personifies ([info]eunoia) wrote in [info]paradisolog,
@ 2016-04-07 21:23:00

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Entry tags:~lydia martin (eunoia), ~stiles stilinski (devoided)

WHO: Lydia Martin & Stiles Stilinski
WHERE: The shelter she's offered to share with him temporarily
WHEN: Thursday night
WHAT: Feels
WARNINGS: Like...probably just angst?
STATUS: Complete

It's not meant to be like this; not what I planned at all. I don't want to feel like this.



She shouldn't care. She didn't care. Lydia absolutely did not care that Stiles and Malia made out because that was the whole reason she'd cockblocked Scott. Because she'd wanted Stiles and Malia to have a chance to take the natural course they were meant to take. Well, that and she didn't want to end up in the middle of a feud between the two of them back home when things inevitably went bad via hurt feelings and broken bro codes. Stiles and Malia were supposed to be together and Stiles was the most important person in the world to her in the wake of Allison's death, of course she wanted him to be happy and fall in love with Malia the way he was going to back home, anyway.

So why in the hell did it bother her to hear about it?

Lydia didn't want Stiles. Not like that. She loved him, of course she did; Stiles was her best friend, how could she not? But the feelings that he'd had for her before — which she told herself that he no longer had because it felt better to think that way — were unrequited. She wasn't ever going to feel for Stiles the way that she suspected some part of him wanted her to and she couldn't help that. The fact that Malia had felt comfortable coming to her to tell her that the two of them had hooked up should've made Lydia happy. So why wasn't it?

And if that wasn't enough, reading Darcy's novella-length horror story of what she had to "look forward to" over the next few months only compounded Lydia's upset. This was a terrible idea. All of it was a terrible idea, what the hell had she been thinking? Lydia wasn't ready for this, she hadn't mentally prepared herself, she hadn't asked what to expect from someone who'd experienced it, she chose Stiles when all that was ever going to do was muddy the waters of a friendship that she held dear...

Lydia hadn't ever felt so stupid in her entire life.

Lying down on the jungle floor inside her shelter, Lydia stared at the wall and willed her unease to go away. Or for sleep to come. Either would've been fine; whichever had come first.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-08 04:03 am UTC (link)
It was weird to be pretty much living with Lydia at this point. Once upon a time, a future with Lydia that involved kids was Stiles' number one fantasy. Now that he was kind of living that dream, he found that it wasn't nearly as idyllic as he assumed it would be. Probably at least in part because they were on this strange island, taking part in an experiment to build a new society. And the shelter that Reese helped her build was hardly the kind of house with a white picket fence that he always imagined.

Stiles knew that he needed to have an actual conversation with Lydia about what she wanted, needed, and expected from him during this pregnancy. Isaac calling him out on not thinking far enough head definitely had him on the verge of panicking. Maybe he wasn't ready for this. It was too late to change his mind, so he had to be, but he was second guessing his decision.

And Finnick's reaction just made no sense. He claimed it wasn't about Stiles turning him down at the bonfire, but then what was it? Why was he so surprised by Lydia choosing him to father her baby? She was one of his best friends.

He really didn't want to think about Finnick right now. The whole kiss still had him confused and he needed to be clear headed. Lydia didn't need to deal with his crazy when she was carrying their child.

When he entered the shelter, he frowned a little to find her lying on the ground. "Lydia? You okay?"

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-08 05:02 am UTC (link)
In spite of hearing Stiles enter the shelter, Lydia didn't look up. Maybe if he didn't look at her just right, he'd assume she was sleeping and just lay down with her and they wouldn't have to talk, because it wasn't like there was anything she could say to him at the moment that would explain her mood. Anything she could say was only going to make things worse.

But then he spoke and she closed her eyes in a slow blink, sighing softly. So much for that.

"Just a long day, I'm tired," she said and it wasn't entirely a lie. She wasn't physically tired, but overthinking things was always exhausting and always had been for her. She'd promised herself she wouldn't be one of those basket case pregnant women, but she was starting to wonder if she had already become one without even realizing it. That...was not a good feeling nor was it a comforting thought, because if she was already a nut job, she couldn't even imagine how much worse it was going to get over the course of the pregnancy. Everything about everything was suddenly so overwhelming and made her feel insecure with her decisions. "I'm fine." Unfortunately, her body language — the lack of movement or even an attempt to look up at him when she said it — almost definitely betrayed the words.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-08 05:31 am UTC (link)
Stiles knew Lydia far too well to believe her, especially given that she didn't even look up at him. Seeing her just laying there, doing nothing, was so out of character, that he was instantly worried and wondered if he needed to reach out to one of the doctors around camp to come and take a look at her.

Not wanting to jump the gun, he decided to lie down next to her. "Try again," he said. "What can I do?"

He might be feeling a bit more attentive at the moment because of Isaac and Derek's comments implying that he wasn't capable of being the support system that Lydia was going to need over the next few months.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-08 05:39 am UTC (link)
"Nothing," she said quietly. There wasn't anything he could do, at least not that she could think of at the moment. She doubted that there was any way for Stiles to quell her crazy and she hated feeling like she was losing her mind already when she'd only just started.

Lydia felt Stiles lying down beside her and it took a conscious effort neither to scoot back against him nor away from him. Lydia held still. She tried not to tense to give more of herself away, but neither felt like the right thing to do just then. She didn't want to give Stiles the wrong idea about how she felt but she'd already slept with him. She'd already gone into this whole thing with him, she'd sought him out for it. It was too late to worry about giving him the wrong idea. But at the same time, she didn't want to indulge the urge she had to just...be held. Not necessarily by Stiles, but at all in that moment when she was feeling stupid when her intelligence was the one thing about herself that she never questioned or worried about. Now suddenly even that was on shaky ground.

She sighed. "I don't feel good, okay? I'm fine, I'm just tired," she repeated. She doubted he'd believe it, but that was her story and she was sticking to it.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-08 05:47 am UTC (link)
"C'mere," he said, shifting so he was on his back and holding out his arm so she could rest her head on his chest. Stiles wished that he could figure out some way to get her a more comfortable bed, especially before she started gaining pregnancy weight, but he didn't have a clue how to make one. Maybe he should ask some of the brainier folks around camp if they had any ideas. He was pretty sure that sleeping on the ground wasn't great for her or the baby.

At least they should have a few weeks before she started gaining weight, though it seemed like she was already starting to have some pregnancy symptoms.

He hated feeling helpless, but at the same time, he didn't want to do or say anything that would make Lydia second guess choosing him for this. "I wish we had the internet so I could look up how to help you through this. I know the next few months are going to be rough."

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-08 02:58 pm UTC (link)
Lydia shook her head, frowning, unmoving. The last thing she needed was to compound whatever the hell was going on in her head by blurring the lines even more than she already had, if such a thing was even possible at this point. "It's probably just the hormones, Stiles, I'm fine."

What else was she supposed to say? The truth didn't make any goddamned sense, not even to her, and Stiles knew her well enough to know when she was lying, so that was no good either.

"How was your day?" she asked after a moment, in the interest of changing the subject. "Since we've established mine was long and exhausting."

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[info]devoided
2016-04-08 06:33 pm UTC (link)
The fact that she didn't accept his invitation made Stiles worry a little more, but he figured that the next few months were going to be all about catering to Lydia's whims so he simply tucked his arm behind his head as a makeshift pillow.

"It was okay, I guess," he said, not really wanting to get into his minor meltdown over the network earlier. He still didn't understand why Finnick had reacted the way he did to Stiles being the father of Lydia's baby and he wasn't about to admit that Isaac's questioning of his ability to be a good provider had him on edge. "Derek wanted to know if you hit your head because you not only slept with me, but let me knock you up."

Surprisingly, Derek's joking was the one thing that hadn't bothered Stiles. That was just normal.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-08 06:40 pm UTC (link)
Rolling her eyes, Lydia sighed. "Derek's a dick, who cares?" she asked dully. If there was one thing that could bring down paradise, it was a freaking Hale. Sure, he looked like an Adonis, which she imagined was the reason he'd been offered the opportunity, but that didn't make him any less of a thorn in the collective sides of the Beacon Hills lot, as far as she was concerned.

"I'm really sick of pretending to give a shit what anyone from Beacon Hills thinks at this point, Stiles, don't let him bother you," she added, closing her eyes.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-08 07:04 pm UTC (link)
"Oh, it didn't bother me," he said. Other things that were said on that post bothered him, but not Derek's joking around. "He seems a lot more... laid back. I guess leaving Beacon Hills was good for him." Stiles was kind of hoping the same would be true for all of them. It was a big part of the reason he agreed to come here.

He sighed. "We need to figure out a way to, like, relate to each other in a new way. Without all the crap we had to deal with at home." He was grateful that Lydia and Scott were here, they were his best friends, but things between their group were so disjointed and he had no idea how to fix that.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-08 07:11 pm UTC (link)
Lydia's eyebrows lifted at the idea of a Hale being laid back. She'd met three and none of them screamed "down to Earth" to her. "It's probably good for anyone," she replied. Beacon Hills had turned into a living nightmare faster than Lydia could blink her eyes and it had been downhill since. That was the whole reason she'd come here; to get away from there. Apparently the gods had another idea, since half the town was here, too.

"Or, we could just follow the natural course and move on with our lives since we're not fighting to survive the onslaught of the supernatural every minute of every day," she countered with a frown. She didn't want to keep trying. They didn't need to be a pack here, there wasn't any danger. And after Allison died, she hadn't really felt like a very important member of said pack anyway.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-08 07:16 pm UTC (link)
Stiles couldn't imagine his life without Lydia or Scott, but he and Isaac had never really gotten along, Malia didn't really know any of them, and Derek had never been part of their pack, so he could kind of see the wisdom in what Lydia was saying. On the flip side, it was human nature to gravitate towards the familiar and even if there were a lot of bad memories from Beacon Hills, having familiar faces here was something of a comfort.

"I guess," he said noncommittally. "Scott offered to help with whatever we need while you're pregnant though. Like with hunting and taking away your pain and stuff." Isaac made the same offer, but Stiles would much rather accept the help from his best friend.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-08 07:23 pm UTC (link)
Lydia took a deep breath and forced herself to let it out slowly. Scott wanted to help? Why? Because Stiles was the baby's father? Because, so far, all she'd gotten out of Scott was an awkward offer for a t-shirt after he'd ripped her a new one about Malia.

"I don't need Scott's help, I'll be fine," she replied. "I'm learning to hunt with Sara," she added. And if she was really that hard up with the pain that she couldn't handle it on her own, then she shouldn't have let herself get pregnant in the first place, she told herself.

Lydia had been, since the argument with Scott, preparing herself to take care of herself without anyone's help, because Malia didn't know her, she barely knew Isaac, she loved Stiles, but he wasn't really the provider type, and she no longer felt comfortable proactively asking Scott for help after he'd blown up at her — she still wasn't sure which he was actually upset about: not getting to have sex with Malia as soon as he would have liked or Lydia's big-picture logic with which he did not agree — especially since not a single one of them back home had even so much as noticed when she was suffering, or how greatly, so she didn't see the point in perpetuating it here.

"I can take care of myself, Stiles, I don't need a babysitter."

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[info]devoided
2016-04-08 08:15 pm UTC (link)
"I'm not trying to babysit you," Stiles insisted. "But you're not doing this alone. We're doing it together." Wasn't that the whole reason that Lydia picked him for this? Because she knew that she could trust him to be there as a support system.

He really didn't like the idea of her being out in the woods hunting, especially with bears around, but he wisely kept that thought to himself, knowing it was only likely to upset her and that was the last thing he wanted to do. "I'm here to help. Whatever you need, okay?"

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-08 09:22 pm UTC (link)
Finally, Lydia rolled to face him. "You're right," she agreed. "We are doing this together, you and me. Not you, me, and Scott. Not you, me, and Malia. Not you, me, and Isaac, and not you, me, and the pack. Lydia Martin and Stiles Stilinski. That's it. If I wanted someone else's help, I would have asked someone else, but I didn't. I asked you," she said.

It was frustrating to get so worked up about nothing. So what if Scott offered to help Stiles, that didn't mean that Lydia had to accept the help. It didn't need to be a big deal, this was her body and she was the one who was going to be going through it, not Stiles. He was just along for the ride, at this point. But all the same, it wasn't fair to get angry at him when he was just trying to do exactly what she'd chosen him to do: support her.

Lydia deflated. "I'm sorry," she said, frowning. "Like I said...long day."

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[info]devoided
2016-04-08 10:21 pm UTC (link)
When she rolled on her side, Stiles did the same, though he resisted the urge to reach out and attempt a gesture of comfort. "You don't have to apologize, Lydia. I know that the next few months are going to be rough." He was perfectly willing to absorb whatever negativity or anger or whatever she needed to throw his way.

"Are you sure there's nothing I can do for you right now?" he asked. "I mean, I wish I could go get you ice cream or something, but since I can't..."

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-08 10:30 pm UTC (link)
Rough was probably putting it lightly and she'd been a little worried about that right out of the gate, before they'd even conceived, because she knew that Arva was cramming forty weeks of pregnancy into a twelve-week span of time; she'd known it was going to be ugly, she just hadn't realized how quickly it was going to get there.

Lydia shook her head. "There's nothing to do, I'm just in a foul mood, Stiles, okay? That's it. Seriously." She sighed. "I came here to get away from everything and instead, it all just came here with me. I came here for clarity, I came here to move on and mourn properly and...I can't do any of that, now. So...there's nothing you can do right now, I'm just in a bad mood and I'm tired and I'm sorry."

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 02:14 am UTC (link)
"If you want to talk about it, I'm willing to listen," he offered. "Or I can just shut up and lay here with you. Or I can leave, if you want to be alone. Just tell me what to do."

Despite Isaac's 'advice', Stiles was definitely planning to ask for Lydia's guidance. It was the better option than trying to guess what she actually wanted and guessing wrong.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-09 02:19 am UTC (link)
The thing was that Lydia did want to talk about it to get everything off her chest, she just didn't want to do that with anyone she already knew. Which left her with Finnick, so far, or Reese, and neither seemed like the type of guy who would want to listen to her complain about her baby daddy making out with his future girlfriend and why she didn't understand the reason it bothered her but that it big, fat did anyway.

"I don't want to have to tell you what to do all the time, that's going to get exhausting really fast, for both of us," she told him bluntly, but she still moved closer to him, putting a hand on his chest and pushing him so that he'd lay down on his back again, affording her the ability to curl up against him.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 02:23 am UTC (link)
Stiles rolled his eyes, but shifted so she could curl up against him. "I'm not expecting you to tell me what to do all the time," he said. "But if there's something specific you do want, I hope you will."

Because he wasn't a mind reader and he needed at least a little guidance.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-09 02:26 am UTC (link)
"Honestly, Stiles, I'm a lot more likely to tell you if there's something specific I don't want. At least I think I am...I don't know, I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again, I don't know anything, I'm not doing anything right," she mumbled against his shoulder as she curled in against him and closed her eyes. "This baby is making me stupid already and it's only been four days."

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 03:03 am UTC (link)
"Lydia, your body is being flooded by hormones right now," Stiles said. "Don't be so hard on yourself."

It felt nice having Lydia in his arms and he knew that he needed to be very careful over the next few months that he didn't get so caught up in this whole thing that he fell head over heels for her again. Based on the rules she set forth before they agreed to this, he knew there was no chance of them actually being together and he was okay with that.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-09 03:09 am UTC (link)
"I know that!" she spat out without missing a beat. She knew that the hormones in her body were going haywire but that didn't excuse the stupid decisions she'd been making up to this point. "I hate this."

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 03:11 am UTC (link)
Okay then. Apparently this was going to be a very long three months. Rather than say something else that would upset her, Stiles simply cuddled her a little closer and stroked her hair.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-09 03:17 am UTC (link)
"I'm so tired, Stiles...already," she admitted weakly, curling closer when he pulled her against himself. "We only just started and I'm already so tired. I feel like everyone's watching us and judging me and it's nobody's goddamned business and I'm trying to act like things are the same with the pack but they're not the same; this isn't my pack, like...I just hate this. Everything."

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 03:21 am UTC (link)
"Lydia, you are one of the strongest people I have ever known," he said softly. "If anyone can get through this, it's you. And when have you ever cared what other people think of you? You might have acted like you did, but you and I both know better."

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-09 03:24 am UTC (link)
As Stiles kissed the top of her head, Lydia squeezed her eyes shut even tighter, feeling the prickle of tears threatening behind her closed lids.

"Are we doing the right thing...?"

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 03:26 am UTC (link)
Stiles felt like this might be a recurring conversation for the next few months. A part of him was wondering the same thing, but he knew that if he admitted to having doubts, it would make things worse for Lydia and his primary job in this whole thing was to make things easier for her.

"Of course we are," he said. "It's a big part of why we're here. Besides, can you imagine how awesome our kid is gonna be?"

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-09 03:29 am UTC (link)
She shook her head a little and sniffed, taking a deep breath and sighing it back out. "It's not even really our kid, Stiles... You're a sperm donor and I'm an incubator, it's Arva's kid," she reminded him and maybe that was the wrong decision, but keeping it when she was an eighteen year old girl herself was no better, that was for sure.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 03:31 am UTC (link)
"It's still our genetics though," he pointed out. "I mean, this kid is going to be a combination of us. Which automatically makes him or her awesome, even though Arva will be raising them."

At least in Stiles' mind, that's how it worked. He might have a mental image of an adorable little redhead with pigtails who loved Star Wars.

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-09 03:35 am UTC (link)
Lydia hid her face against the crook of his neck. Their child was going to be the product of a clinical, calculated decision by its mother presented to a biased father in a light manipulation of his feelings in order to be raised by a goddess somewhere on a sex island. As far as she was concerned, if they ever got to see their child, he or she would probably completely unrecognizable.

...and where the hell did that line of thought come from, anyway?

"Oh my God, my head is all over the place right now..." she confessed.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 03:37 am UTC (link)
"I wish we could just, like, pop in a DVD and watch a movie," Stiles said. "Take our minds off of things."

He paused. "I could just tell you the story of Star Wars, if you want. It won't be quite the same, but maybe it will be a distraction?"

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[info]eunoia
2016-04-09 03:43 am UTC (link)
Lydia looked up then, her face drawn with lack of amusement and she blinked slowly at him. "Really?" she asked dully. She laid back down. "You know what? Go for it, maybe I'll finally be able to fall asleep," she added in the same tone before peeking up at him again with the tiniest ghost of a smirk.

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[info]devoided
2016-04-09 03:49 am UTC (link)
Stiles grinned as she settled back into his arms. "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was an intergalactic war," he began. He didn't get too much further than Luke taking the droids home to his aunt and uncle before he realized that Lydia had, indeed, fallen asleep. He brushed a piece of hair out of her eyes and kissed her forehead before settling in to hopefully get some sleep himself.

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