Darcy was right. Clarke was looking much too thoughtful for being in such a beautiful, peaceful place. A lot of it was because she knew some part of her had never really vacated her own world even when she'd arrived in this one. It wasn't in her nature to let go of everything in favor of herself. When she'd runaway, it was probably the first selfish action she'd ever taken and after everything in the fall out, it was the last time she would...until now. It'd taken more death and loss for her to realize that running away had not solved anything. She still remembered everything that happened that day at Mount Weather. It still haunted her everyday; it didn't matter whether she was sleeping or wide awake either. She couldn't escape what she'd done. Deep down, she knew this place could only offer similar solace. Though far from war and violence, far from Lexa's death, it was only a physical distance; all else remained in tact and as ferocious as ever, willing to conquer at a sign of weakness. For Clarke, this was any moment she was alone. If Darcy did not come along, she would still be drowning.
Clarke managed to keep her smile from wavering. "I know, right? Considering where I've come from, I should be excited. Thrilled. And I am. I am," she replied, last word hesitant as it parted past her lips. "I have a chance that no one else from my world has. I want to take advantage of it. To build something instead of constantly bringing destruction to it..." Clarke trailed off and the well-kept grin finally gave way to a much more perplexed, sad expression. Out of all her people, she was the one that least deserve this opportunity. She was Wanheda, Commander of Death, and she'd more than earned that title following the devastation she left at Mount Weather. Some looked upon her like a hero, a savior, but Clarke could only look upon herself as a murderer. Someone who'd been on the path to be a healer now a taker, a thief of life. She knew the ground changed all of them and that it was just a consequence, a byproduct of her presence there. Bellamy was right; they'd become what they needed to be to survive because it was that or die. It was that or watch her people die and Clarke could and would never be able to do that. She took it upon herself to bear the burden of all that blood, all that pain and death. Partially selfish she guessed, but partially selfless too. Still, she could think of more than a few one person back at camp that would have wished her into a place far from the beautiful one she'd landed in.
"Just memories, you know? I did a lot of bad things, Darcy. A lot of them. It haunts me sometimes I guess," she looked over, strands of blond hair shifting over her shoulders and she raised a hand to slip a few stray pieces back behind her ears. "I came here for a chance to build something instead of destroying it. I just...feel like I don't deserve this chance to be here. There are so many other people back in my world who deserve it so much more than me. That deserve to be happy, you know? I know someone who would definitely say this is the last place I should ever be." Jasper. In destroying Mount Weather, Clarke killed the girl Jasper was in love with: Maya. The worst of it was that the young woman had done everything to help them, betraying her own people to try and stop the torture and injustice happening there. It wasn't only her. There were others and innocent children too. People who had no idea what was going on in the mountain...who just lived and worked there every day. Clarke took all of their lives when she let in radiation stained air from outside in order to save her own people. It was both of them that day, Bellamy and Clarke, that had been judge, jury, and executioner for all those people in the mountain. A nasty trade, but the worst past was, if left in that same situation, abandoned by Lexa and the Grounders, she would have done the same thing. She couldn't regret saving her mother and everyone else that day. They didn't deserve to die either.