Dr. Anthony Hill (dr_tonyhill) wrote in parabolical, @ 2009-02-06 00:17:00 |
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Current mood: | indescribable |
Entry tags: | kyle hyde, tony hill |
WHO: Tony Hill, a sandwich, some ducks, and open if anyone decides to tag in
WHERE: Park with a pond and not much else
WHEN: Afternoon
WHAT: Tony is thinking and feeding ducks
RATING: PG for flashbacks and language
STATUS: COMPLETE- unless someone tags in
Having a routine had always been important to Tony. He had had office hours for his grad students; taught classes; worked at the police station; conducted private study; and read every week in predictable patterns. Routines were safe- familiar.
Even in a place like this, Tony had found a routine to call his own- his regular afternoon routine. He bought a sandwich and some tea from a local cafe and then headed off to a nearby park to watch the ducks on the pond. Occasionally, he would find himself sharing his lunch- and 'occasionally' meant everyday.
The time had finally come that when the flock of ducks that hung out at the pond saw the slouching form wandering along the path near the pond they would come up to the bench he always sat at and wait. This day was no different.
He took his seat on the bench and proceeded to tear off a piece of his sandwich and toss it to the eager group. Squabbling ensued and he couldn't help a smile. He sipped his tea and took a bite of his sandwich, studying the peaceful waters of the pond in front of him.
No one would have ever guessed just how far this place was from being like that quiet little park. Everything here was wrong. Not a day went by that something else happened that was worse than the day before. And yet... it was starting to feel like he was adjusting to this place.
Tony took another bite of his sandwich and chewed, thoughtfully. He was starting to settle in- accept his fate as it were. He was achieving some state of normalcy- he was even going to be attending a wedding in the coming week.
He paused in his chewing. A wedding. Two people would be joined together for life in a joyous occasion. It didn't seem to fit in a place like this. But, as he knew all too well, just because the situations changed it didn't mean that life didn't keep on moving forward.
Moving on... that brought to mind something else or, more accurately, someone else. Carol. He hadn't thought about her in a few days which was a first. She had left in toward the middle of 2005... He had arrived in December of 2005- two months ago. Had it really only been two months? Well... it was going on three months but still it felt like it had been far longer.
It had been at least half a year since he had last seen Carol. She had walked out of his life. Was she gone forever? He didn't know. He tore off another piece of his sandwich and tossed it to a duck who had hopped up on the bench beside him and continued to mull over the subject.
If she were to show up tomorrow what would it be like? Would things be the same as they had once been? He seriously doubted that. Too much had happened to him since coming to this city. He had been tortured by demons and had lived to tell about it. He had been attacked by vampires and was saved... just barely. He had even talked to a psycho who was bombing the city.
Tony knew he should have been more... frightened of the world around him- angry at it but he couldn't bring himself to be. Maybe it was how he had been brought up. Brought up by women who had made it their business to make his life miserable- abusing him mentally and physically. Maybe it was being reminded on a daily basis growing up that he was a worthless bastard child who was so hated that even his own grandmother would lock him in a cupboard just because he had irritated her and beat him when-
He shook his head at that thought. The doctor didn't like thinking about his distant past. His mother had resented him because he had been born out of wedlock and such a thing was scandalous at the time. His grandmother did what she did when he had been bad. There was a reason for everything. Of course... He knew that was a load of crap but it was hard to unlearn what had been thrown on you everyday as a child.
Besides, his rough childhood had given him a gift- the ability to understand murderers and rapists. He had survived being taken captive and tortured by his wits alone- knowing what the killer wanted and making him think he would get it from Tony until he unchained the doctor long enough to get hit upside the head buying the doctor vital time to save himself.
Another bite of his sandwich- the duck on the bench next to him was looking interested again and so off another piece went to his lunchtime companion.
The sick thing was that Tony did understand the motives and longings of someone like that. If he dwelt on the subject for too long he would always grow more than a little reviled by himself. This was why he couldn't have a normal relationship with anyone- he had some very twisted desires that he didn't want anyone knowing about. Maybe they were his thoughts or maybe they were the remnants of the trash that had been dragged through his mind over the years but he didn't always know which it was.
He was scared by the not knowing and that was enough to make him distant from those around him- he carried with him parts of those whose minds he had gotten inside of. No one deserved to be subjected that aside from him. He had done it willingly. It was his calling in life- to study damaged minds- and after trying to initially run from it he had realized that he had to do it. He was one of the few people in the world who could do work like that and not either (A) kill himself or (B) kill everyone around him.
Not that he hadn't thought of killing himself, though. He nearly had once. He had figured it was all over- he had a tumor in his brain that was going to kill him any ways. It was robbing him of the one thing he had- his intelligence. And if he had had the operation to remove it then there was a 50% chance he wouldn't survive. Either way he was going to lose everything. So... he had played Russian Roulette with a serial killer.
The killer had been scared to pull the trigger when it was his turn but Tony- no, he was resigned to his fate and didn't care either way. He had put the barrel to his head and pulled the trigger like he was just walking into a room and flipping on a light switch- same amount of concern and caring.
There hadn't been a bullet in the chamber, though, and in the end Tony had gotten the surgery- but only because there had been an aneurysm at the site of the tumor and they had to do an emergency operation. He had survived and suffered no long term effects but for what? For Carol to just up and leave him?
He tossed another piece of his sandwich and and eyed the duck. "You're poor lunch company. You've taken half my sandwich and not once offered to split the bill." Tony smirked, realizing he had just, unintentionally, made a joke. The duck just stared at his sandwich.
All that pain and suffered bottled up inside of one man. It didn't seem possible. There were so many voices in his head that were all saying different things- victims, murderers, and, on occasion, himself. The trouble was sometimes he didn't know who was who.
The one nice thing about being here- if one could call it nice- was that since he wasn't working his mind had had a break at last. He had been, more or less, forced to stop and allow his mind to breathe. As time had gone by the voices had started sorting themselves out and he was even starting to think he knew who was who. Knowing which voice was his, though, could be a little disconcerting. He was telling himself that he was finally moving on in his life and he didn't know whether or not to believe himself.
He sipped his tea, pondering everything. Tony knew it would be nice to get back into working again but he also knew that doing that meant going back to those dark places in his own psyche that he had finally started to quiet.
AND- in the background of all this his mind was also working over who the hell's wedding he was going to. He had never thought to ask and that was not like him. Usually, when agreeing to something like that, you ask who is involved and how they are related to the person asking you to go with them. He would have to remember to ask at some point- hopefully before the hopefully happy event.
He finally finished his sandwich and tea the ducks started to disperse. A kind, gentle smile spread across Tony's face at this scene. No one would guess what lay behind that smile. Tony preferred to keep it that way- he knew this was the real him and the rest was just work... Right?