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lavender is sure that living is worse ([info]lavishly) wrote in [info]pandorarpg,
@ 2012-01-15 01:28:00

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Entry tags:!status: complete, ^date: november 11 2003, character: lavender brown, character: michael corner

Characters: Lavender & Michael
Setting: Tuesday, sometime after 11 pm at Michael's flat
Rating: General public, that later becomes naked time
Summary: It's been another long day and Lavender Brown is quickly approaching End of the World mode and Michael gets to be there for that.

Yesterday was horrible and today hadn't been any better. It was just messy and complicated and bad, really, really bad. Lavender just wanted to curl up into herself and make the world stop or go back to what it was even just a few days ago because at least that was better than this. Everything just felt so unsafe.

Supper with Eliza and Darryl or even the surprise afternoon visit from her mum didn't really do anything to fix that feeling. Of course then there was the announcement about the database with Theodore and Michael. Goodness, Michael had made it just a little bit more difficult. He said he would die for her and romantic as that sort of thing was, she didn't want it because honestly she wasn't some heroine worthy to die for. No, she was just the girl who was putting even more people in danger with ripples reaching outward to hurt a lot of other people because her database had been stolen. It was just like Professor Trelawney had warned her about yesterday was going to come true.

Now it was well passed her bed time and she was still awake waiting for Michael to come back from work. Lavender didn't love the idea of imposing on him and staying at his place, but it wasn't like she could go back to her flat anytime soon and it right now it would be good to not be alone. She just needed to see him, especially in light of how much crying she had done in relation to him today already.

So, she was folded into the far corner of Michael's sofa with a copy of Peter Pan in her lap, wrapped up in a cocoon of blankets and her comfy pajamas. It was something that she read quite often and she relished in the familiar. Lavender could probably even recite large passages of it from memory, which was helpful in that she didn't have her reading glasses. Her wand was within easy reach on the sofa with her giving her some small sense that she had a little control over what was happening. Although honestly, she was just grateful that at the moment she wasn't about to break down into another bout of tears.

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-16 06:23 am UTC (link)
Michael did not argue with her but gave over his hand, unwrapping the t-shirt from around it and gritting his teeth as she cleaned it. He had never been very good with healing charms and nowadays did most things the Muggle way so this was not anything new for him. "Thanks."

He looked up at her face rather than his hand as she spoke. He wanted to ask but he was afraid of making her upset. He remembered what she had said so many years ago and even not so long ago about infecting him and he had a feeling that she was holding back because she still believed in that notion, no matter what he said otherwise. Michael lifted his uninjured hand as she worked and rubbed his thumb against her cheek. "Well, whatever you say it is to do with you, I don't believe it. I mean if you aren't ready then I believe it, but if you still think there's something wrong with you and you don't deserve to be happy or enjoy yourself, well that's just not true."

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-16 06:40 pm UTC (link)
"Michael, there is something wrong with me." Lavender had not once believed that she was truly fine, just like she hadn't really made much work in moving past the Greyback issue. She didn't see it as something she could move beyond, it was just a part of who she was, horrible as that might be. "In fact, now there are two somethings wrong with me and I'm now I'm even more sure they are related.

"And I'm pretty sure that I'm going to get someone killed, if I haven't already." Lavender couldn't help but think of Penelope Clearwater then. Even if that was before the database was stole, Lavender had known Penelope was having nightmares - she had met with her once before. And now she was dead. Lavender sighed, taking to bandaging the wound now. It was easier to focus on this as she continued. Even knowing that Michael was probably going to respond better than Seamus, she was still hesitant.

"Yesterday, when I went to see Professor Trelawney she told me somethings, like how someone close to me is going to fatally wounded and that the marks are about seeing us for what we are, that we're being punished by someone seeking vengeance." Lavender let go of his hand to wipe her face with the back of the hands as the tears that never fully stopped started to take over again. "And, Michael, I can't do that, I just can't live with the knowledge that people are getting hurt or dying because of me or even because they are just close to me and I care about them."

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-16 08:14 pm UTC (link)
Michael was fairly certain he was about to lose it again and this time it would not be because Lavender had said the 'L' word, but because she just would not stop being so impossible. He was getting to the point where he just couldn't take it anymore and no matter what he said to her, she just didn't listen to him. He never got through to her and likely he never would and it was killing him because he cared so much about her, but she just wouldn't stop. And he started to wonder if maybe she was too far beyond any help he could offer and maybe he should consider getting her to see someone professional, but he really didn't want to have to do that to her but so far everything he'd tried didn't work.

He stood up again, because his temper was rising and he didn't need to be sitting next to her when it was. He should have known better than to let her go see Trelawney. That stupid old hack was only making things worse for her. He was reaching his limit and he felt waves breaking inside of him, threatening to crash right through him. "Lavender," Michael managed to say, but his voice was weak and he wasn't looking at her just then and when he felt tears begin to sting his eyes it made him angry that he wasn't keeping it together like he needed to so he did the only thing he could think of - he slammed his newly bandaged fist against the wall again.

This seemed to be what he needed to wake up and he found himself on his knees at Lavender's feet, looking up at her. "I can't do this anymore, Lav. I can't keep listening to you say these things - it's killing me." He had tears in his eyes and maybe that was from the pain in his hand or from before that, but it didn't really matter which. "You can't tell me that you care so much about me and keep telling me this shite. You never listen to me no matter what I say - it's exhausting." Michael put his head down into her lap, because he was tired, not physically, but mentally exhausted of doing this dance with her.

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-16 08:43 pm UTC (link)
It was exhausting. Everything was exhausting. She wanted to ask him if he would rather that she not say anything at all, because maybe that would be better. It wouldn't stop her from feeling what she felt, but at least that way he wouldn't have to go through with this. Instead all she could do was start a litany of apologies as he knelt in front of her. "I'm sorry, Michael, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry."

She put her hand on his head, running her fingers through his head, not sure if she could give him anything that would fix this. "It's just I can't help feeling this way and I don't want you to get hurt or be hurting, but I don't want to to do or how to fix this. So, I'm just sorry." Her voice was gentle, careful even because they were both crying now and his tears seemed to change it all.

"Sorry that I love you, and sorry that saying it made you realize that you love me too, and sorry that I'm this messed up, and I'm just sorry."

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-16 09:19 pm UTC (link)
Michael shook his head against her lap weakly, but he didn't say anything. He was beyond being able to argue with her anymore. He just couldn't do it anymore. His hand was in pain, his head was in pain, his heart was in pain - he was well beyond being able to help Lavender Brown. He should have realised it a long time ago but Michael was never the type to just give up on people so here he was.

He wished that he could just say it to her and maybe that might make things better for her, but probably not. She knew how he felt and it still didn't change the fact that she was acting this way and that hurt him most of all. He was going to have to do something else besides just trying to talk to her himself and that was a difficult thing to consider because it would probably hurt her - it might even make her hate him in the end.

Michael pulled himself up onto the sofa next to her and looked into her eyes. He wished it was all simple like it had been before, like it had been in seventh year. He wished that they could be those people again and that Lavender could feel like she wasn't so far from the person she had been then. He wrapped his hand behind her neck, twining his fingers in her hair and kissed her again because he couldn't speak anymore and he didn't want her to talk anymore.

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-16 10:23 pm UTC (link)
Lavender also wished the same thing, to go back and be who she was, to not feel like that girl was long since gone, but she knew it wouldn't happen. So, she didn't often wish for that up until recently she had found herself longing for this to be more like seventh year. In some ways it had been better then, now it was all just spiraling out of control. She was spiraling out of control.

She had said that kissing didn't fix anything before and it certainly wasn't going to fix anything now, but it was still easier than talking. And at least if her lips were busy with his she couldn't be talking and that was probably a good thing, to not be saying things anymore.

So, she pressed herself further against him, pulling the kiss deeper. Maybe they had been here before and maybe they would be here again, but right now she had this and she just wanted to get lost and let all of those burdens be pushed back just for a little while. Sure, it might force other things to surface, but maybe those would better, easier even, to deal with.

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-16 11:44 pm UTC (link)
Michael thought that losing himself in this feeling was what he needed just then. He didn't like being emotional and feeling out of control and lately that's all he had when it came to Lavender. He was completely helpless and he hated it, but this he could do - this he could control.

There were things about this situation he knew were wrong and he had a feeling that pressing it forward was stupid on his part, but right now it seemed a better option than what they had been doing. So Michael ignored the pain in his hand and the warnings in his head and leaned back into the sofa, pulling her by the waist so that she was in his lap. He kept a firm hold around her waist so that he could hold her close to his chest and he kissed her openly and passionately, his uninjured hand tangling in her hair.

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-17 12:50 am UTC (link)
She hadn't been ready for this five years ago and maybe she wasn't fully ready for it now, but it was different. Lavender was a different person now than she was then. Back then she was trying to prove to herself that nothing had been taken from her when she was sure that it was. That Lavender was pretending to be the girl she was before and this one - this one knew who she. She had nothing prove, right now she just wanted to forgot about the fact that she might actually die.

Lavender moved effortlessly in the way he directed. Her hands moving over his exposed skin. She kissed him for a moment longer before leaning back to tug off her over-sized jumper leaving her in a thin tank top and her pajama tops. Maybe she could have said something then, but words were not what they needed right now. Words were heavy and cumbersome. Words had already caused too much trouble between them. Instead, jumper in a ball in her hands, she looked at him, silently asking and agreeing all at once.

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-17 01:40 am UTC (link)
Michael had not known back then when she had come to him just what she had been trying to prove to herself. He told her and told himself that if he had he wouldn't have gone through with it, but honestly he didn't know that for certain. Now that they were here and he was kissing her mostly because he did not think that doing anything else would be a good idea and because they were stuck in a situation that they couldn't seem to escape from, he still wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing nor if he should go through with it.

But this was still Lavender Brown in front of him, above him, in barely a tank top covering her and she was as beautiful as the last time he had seen her. That was four and a half years ago but it felt like yesterday looking at her now. Michael rested his hand on her collarbone and rubbed his thumb across her neck before he leaned forward and kissed the soft skin just above the dip of her tank top.

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-17 03:14 am UTC (link)
Lavender threw her jumper aside, so that she could go back to kissing him. Her scars had faded a little overtime, but they were still there marking her body across her collar bone, her shoulder, and down her right side. And they were still just as sensitive to touch as they had been before. Although maybe that had to do with the fact she was being touched at all.

It had been a long time, but he knew that now. She moved to give him more access, reaching so that she could place little kisses to his jaw. It might have been a while, but she remembered how to do this and could take the cues from him on where to go if she stumbled along the way.

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-17 04:15 am UTC (link)
Michael ran his left hand down her side, his fingers running underneath the top and brushing against her skin. Though this side of her body was not scarred, it didn't really matter to him - he just had better use of his left hand at the moment than his right which he'd punched against a wall twice tonight. He let his hand push the top up to expose her waist and ran his hand along her side and across her back.

So maybe he had wanted to go elsewhere for this at some points recently, but right now he couldn't think of wanting to be with anyone else. He couldn't think of it being or meaning anything nearly as wonderful as this would be for him. Michael captured her lips again as he pushed the top up over her chest and he ran his hand over her exposed breasts, gently caressing her smooth skin.

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-17 06:37 am UTC (link)
Her breath caught in the back of her throat as he pushed the tank top up over her breasts. She was grateful to have the distraction of their kiss to not have time to be hung up on the reality of being naked in front of someone. Even as sure as she was that Michael didn't honestly care and had in fact seen it before, there was still that part of her brain that worried. It came from that same part that had longed for some sort of impossible physical perfection.

She was a bundle of nervous excitement. Lavender broke the kiss long enough to toss the tank top out of the way. She chased the action with another kiss, while it was all sort of wonderful, Lavender definitely loved kissing the most, especially with all of the different places she could kiss or be kissed. However, before she got into any of those, she paused long enough to frame his face with her hands, looking right at him. "Michael," she said her voice soft, careful not to break whatever special place they were in now because she didn't want to lose it. "Do you think we could move to the bedroom?"

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-17 07:35 am UTC (link)
Michael smiled at her question and kissed her mouth and then her nose. He ran his palm around her side and up her back, still not really wanting to move but knowing that they probably needed to do so if he wanted to move things further. Normally he would just carry her but with one of his hands injured he couldn't risk doing so as he could drop her so he'd have to make her walk this time.

Finally he pulled his hand away from her back, loathe as he was to do so, and nodded. "Yeah, love, let's go," he said and helped her off his lap as best he could with his left hand. Michael took her hand in his when he stood up and led her back to his bedroom, to his bed that she had already been sleeping in for a day. He sat down on the edge of the bed at looked at Lavender, allowing her to sit wherever she thought would be most comfortable for her.

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-18 03:28 am UTC (link)
She followed him into the bedroom, keeping close enough so that more than hands were touching, less she feel too exposed and freak out. Once in his room she took a moment to pull off her socks leaving her in just her pajamas bottoms and there he was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for her. Lavender felt like maybe she was at some sort of crossroads here.

It was going to be different this time, not because it had been so many years, but because of what was hanging between them. All of it. And she could have stood there longer, letting doubt or thought get the better of her, but she would rather be bold and unearth some who she was deep down.

Lavender smiled approaching him with a new-found certainty and decided that the most comfortable and best place to sit was right in his lap. Even bolder now, there was still a sort of gentleness to her motions. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him another kiss as she lead them both backward so they would be laying on the bed. She needed him to know that she wanted this and perhaps more accurately wanted to give him this - her and not just the broken pieces that made him cry.

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-21 09:29 pm UTC (link)
Michael smiled back at her as she came toward him, his hand all but forgotten in the moment. They had been here before, yet it seemed like they had never done this because it felt completely different to him this time. Lavender wasn't looking for validation from him, he could feel the difference in the way she touched him, the way she wrapped herself around him and pushed them both back onto the bed.

It was this important difference alone that spurred him forward, where all other things may not have, because he was still a bit unsure that he was doing the right thing with her. He knew of her fragility regardless of his - or even her - possibly desires, and he did not want to press her into this when it had not gone well four years ago. As he slid his arms around her waist, hooked his ankle around hers and let his hand tangle in her hair again while he kissed her deeply, he knew that it might not be perfect between them, but they weren't exactly going to work well with anyone else either so he was glad that they had found each other when they had.

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-22 02:52 am UTC (link)
Despite how fragile she was, Lavender didn't shatter. She was at her core a survivor, the problem was that there wasn't a lot of romance in the art of surviving because it wasn't an easy task. All she knew, all she wanted to know or think about right now was how he felt, how he made her feel. How it could be too much and not enough. Never enough.

"I -" she stopped herself, not wanting to say those words. That might complicate the whole thing, even if it was true and already completed. "I want this - you," she said covering it with another truth. That was the easier one for them to deal with. Her hands moved to undo his trousers and get them out of the way.

Lavender pulled back needing his help to remove the trousers all together. It gave her the chance to look at him again, really look at him, hurting in a way that wasn't bad at all. "Michael." She said his name like it was everything. And it wasn't everything, but in that moment it sure felt that way. Before he had the space to respond she dipped down to kiss him again because she never wanted to stop kissing him.

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-22 08:57 pm UTC (link)
When she said that it made him ache and not in a bad way and not in the way he would normally expect, but somewhere in the pit of his stomach. He wasn't sure what that meant or might mean and he wasn't going to analyse it just then, but he knew that it wasn't something he was altogether afraid of either. Well that might be a lie, he was quite afraid, but the truth was that he wanted her too and he had for a while now so acknowledging it wasn't really going to hurt in any way. "I want you, Lav. So much, love," he said lowly, and maybe it was a way to say what he couldn't otherwise.

Michael lifted his hips to help her with his trousers and then she gave him that look and said his name and felt lost in her. He couldn't worry about what other problems they might have at the moment, all he could think about was what he felt for her and how he wanted to show her that and how he'd never been this close to anyone else before and yes it scared the shite out of him but it was an electrifying feeling in that moment that he couldn't quite place.

He rolled them over so that he could hover over her and see her more clearly; it had been quite a long time since he'd seen her this way. He kissed down her neck and the center of her chest and stomach until he reached the top of her pyjama bottoms which he began to slide off her hips slowly, looking into her face to make sure she was comfortable with it still, regardless of what she'd said. He kissed her knee when it was exposed and then her ankle as well before he moved back up the bed to her face. Michael brushed her hair back, saying, "Lavender, you're so beautiful."

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[info]lavishly
2012-01-23 01:10 am UTC (link)
Lavender heard it in the words he did say, whether she reading into or they were actually there, it didn't matter. For her, they were there. It didn't make this any easier, but the things worth having seldom were. And the fact that she could have this, have him - it had her stomach twisting in funny knots that she didn't know what to make of because it almost made her feel normal.

That girl was bold and got what she wanted. Although that girl still blushed a little at the sight of a naked man underneath her. He was gorgeous and definitely what she wanted. While she was still hung up on it, still a bit broken, she knew he wasn't lying. Lavender Brown might not feel beautiful, but if she could be beautiful for him, well, maybe that would be enough right now. She would never be who she was, but hearing him say those sorts of things did feel like she could reclaim that girl with unyielding dreams.

Wrapping her arms around him, pressing a kiss to whatever spans of space she could get. Lavender trusted him because he knew her better than anyone else. In a way this was her only near safe space left. "And God, Michael, you're...everything." Knowing that she was on the verge of some sort of word sickness, she nudged him to grab his lips again. She didn't want to talk anymore, she didn't want to do anything other than feel.

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[info]mlcorner
2012-01-23 01:41 am UTC (link)
That was definitely something Michael didn't believe, but he wasn't going to argue with her about it now. He wanted to be with her now because it was true that he did not know when the next time might be and living in the here and now was what Michael Corner did best of all things.

He kissed her again, wrapping his arms around her back and fit his body along hers, reveling in the feel of her skin against his. It felt familiar and new at the same time and he wanted to get to know it all over again even if it took him forever. He didn't know how long he would have with her, but if he had his way, he would certainly make sure it was as long as bloody possible. He didn't want her to leave him, no matter how crazy things got between them or how mad she might make him feel sometimes - it was completely worth it for this feeling and this moment. There were a million thoughts and words he could and wanted to say to her, but instead he tried his best to pour them into his body and movements as he was pressed against her.

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