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lavender is sure that living is worse (lavishly) wrote in pandorarpg,

And she would keep taking all of those precautions for the rest of her life to make sure that remained true. Sure, to the average person it might make her a little paranoid or even crazy, but it was about being able to feel safe. And to get the feeling, fleeting as it had been since the not-nightmares started, she had to go to extremes. Lavender leaned into him, finding a comfortable spot.

"It doesn't matter," she shaking her head. And it didn't because there were dreams she had to let die because her reality was different now. "I mean people grow up, what they want changes, for me it wasn't exactly growing up, but things changed and you make do with what you have." She could feel a tightness in her chest as she spoke because it hurt. It always hurt to think about what could have been. Her gaze drifted away from his because this was somehow more personal. It was one thing to say she wanted to eat the people she loved, it was another to confess to the boy you were kissing and in this weird nebulous place with that you had planned seven different weddings. Or that she had always pictured herself with children, one boy and one girl, some day and now she was trying to make it be okay with dreams of a fairy cake business and never actually eating someone.

Lavender might have opened up a little, but she wasn't sure that she was ready, or ever would be ready, to let it all come out. Besides today was supposed to be a break from all that. "Can we just talk about something else? Or even you know not talk." After the words had been said she realized that he might take them differently than she intended, but maybe that was were things landed today and she was going to try to let that be okay.