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lavender is sure that living is worse (lavishly) wrote in pandorarpg,

She looked at him a moment, sort of taken at how differently he saw her against what she was, against what sort of thoughts went through her head. Lavender had told him once that she used to be a vegetarian, but that wasn't all that had changed. He might not have seen her as dark or that there was darkness inside of her, but she knew better. She dealt with it every day, that little thing sometimes just floating in the background of her awareness and sometimes coming to the front and center. Still she took what comfort he offered her.

"Michael, when I'm not having not-nightmares about Cornish pixies eating me alive, I'm having actual nightmares about Greyback finishing what he started, which sometimes I think might be better because then I would know what I am." Even as she started talking she wasn't sure where this would end or where they would be when she arrived there. "Because when it's not that, I have these thoughts, these urges that aren't right, that aren't me.

"I mean for like at least five days each month I am terrified that I am going to hurt someone and not just a stranger, but someone who actually cares about me." Lavender saw her self as a potentially dangerous person, not in an obvious sort of a way, but deadly for that very reason. It might not have been much of a way to live, but it was what she had.