InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "it's hard to let it go"

John Connor (johnbaum) wrote in omega_reality,
@ 2012-11-19 07:54:00

Entry tags:

*complete, 2012 11, character: john connor, dead: leon vance

RP: John and Vance
Who: John Connor and Leon Vance
Where: The Island
When: November 19, 2012 -- afternoon
Summary: John's put off saying some things as long as he can.

For most of his life -- all nineteen years of it -- John Connor had one goal: survive long enough to save the world from the machines.

He'd never dreamed of becoming a fireman as a little boy. Hell, he hadn't even really known what one was when his first years were spent in a jungle-based resistance camp. He'd never wondered what it would be like to grow up and see the world. He'd been taught from day one what the world would be when he grew up and how it was his mission to stop it, that machines from the future would hunt him his whole life until the day when he could end the war for good.

As he got older, John added to that mission things he needed to do for himself, things he needed to do so he wouldn't go crazy trying to live up to this image of the perfect leader he was supposed to turn into and didn't think he could. Most notably, he added protecting his family, the people he cared about. Sacrificing for them put him at odds with the main mission of staying alive. But, it was something he could do now, in the present.

And then he'd been brought here. While he was alive, his mission was on hold and his family was gone. John had shut down entirely.

Until one man, some would say an unlikely man, reached out to help him put himself back together. In the process, that man had become part of John's personal mission, not the one to save humanity from the machines, but the one that kept him human, protecting the people he loved.

John loved Brian most of all.

And Vance had broken him. Worse, he'd made John himself into the tool that did the breaking.

The Future Leader of Mankind and John Connor were having pitched battles in John's head in reaction to that.

The only thing both sides of him could agree on was that he couldn't go on like this, couldn't go on working for Vance while he really wanted his own chance to do exactly what Callen had and punch the man who had hurt Brian this way. It wasn't good for the team. It wasn't good for the mission. And it could put Brian in more danger. So, something had to give.

While the rest of them went about 'making the buildings livable' as Sam had put it, John sought Vance out directly. "Walk with me, Sir?"

John loved the Island. It was so full of life, unlike what was left of his world. Not enough grass for Derek's taste, he was sure. But, with the city so far away, just a glow on the horizon when the night was clear, John had all his stars back at night. There was also almost always a wind of some sort and that made it easy to talk once they were away from the others, staying downwind so their voices wouldn't carry.

"I need to talk and I need you to listen. I'm an incredibly angry teenager right now and I don't have anyone to be an angry teenager with safely for the exact reasons why I'm angry. Since it's your fault and staying angry will be detrimental to the mission, I'm talking to you. So, can we do this? Can I talk to you?"

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leon_vance
2012-11-19 05:31 pm UTC (link)

Leon didn't ask why they needed to walk. He didn't have to. In fact, he was surprised that it had taken this long. "Let's walk." The statement was extremely superfluous since he was already moving.

The words were hardly surprising either. John might act like a grown up, but he was still a teenager, and he had the right to act like one, although Leon would argue that he was still acting a lot more maturely than Callen. "Speak freely, John. I want to know what you have to say."

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johnbaum
2012-11-19 08:15 pm UTC (link)

"Okay." John appreciated the direct approach. He was hyper aware of everything with Brian, trying to be there for him without suffocating him, watching everyone for signs they were going to use their best intentions to push Brian too much because they never had fully understood him or how he reacted. At the same time, he, too, had been without Brian for two weeks. It wasn't anywhere near as traumatic as Brian believing him dead. But, he needed to be around Brian when he could...without hovering or suffocating. The ability to speak freely, or as freely as he ever did with anyone not named Brian Kinney, was a relief.

"Here's the thing. I get it. I get why you did it. If we're dead, no one's looking for us or trying to figure out what you're up to. It's actually not even the first time my supposed death has been used to cover up our movements, even though it wasn't really planned and we just took advantage of it. So, I get it. I even get why you didn't say anything to us about it because you had to know there was no way in hell I'd voluntarily do that to Brian.

"But, that's where everything falls apart for me. When I step back and stop being the kid with the future, all I am is angry and if I had Callen's power that would let me get the drop on you, I'd probably try to hit you myself for what you put Brian through, for what your gamble is costing us. You warned me once that Brian would break my heart. In all this time, it's never happened. Until now. Because watching him hurt like this is breaking my heart. I wasn't there when he needed me the most and neither was anyone else. You used me to hurt him to convince the government of the lie to protect the mission, which protected me and I'm trying to believe it was all worth it for the good of the group. But, I'm have a really fucking hard time forgiving it."

He stopped for a moment to try to calm down because swearing at Vance wasn't going to do any good and he needed to stop being angry if he was going to be any good for Brian. "Why us? There are others with our skill sets, others with fewer connections to people. I mean, Savannah? There isn't anyone here whose life she doesn't touch in some way except maybe the newest of us. Most people get it and they're fine. But, what if they hadn't? What if Callen wasn't who he is and as willing to do for the team over himself? Did you understand how they would react? How Brian would react? Do you understand how close you probably came to getting him killed for this?"

And that was where John's calm broke down. Not that he yelled because he didn't want this conversation to be public, even using the wind as a buffer. But, it terrified him to think how close he could have been to losing Brian. All Brian had to do was turn into a bug and wait for someone to step on him and it would be over. "You were the man who knew what was going on and I really need to know that you're not as oblivious to what you caused as it seems everyone was who just let him fall like that. I need to know that despite all the 'John can take care of Brian' sentiments of the last year and a half, I can trust you not to needlessly turn him into collateral damage."

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leon_vance
2012-11-19 08:48 pm UTC (link)

"I needed you and Savannah because you are both extremely qualified, both with weapons, but also common sense," he started. "I needed you, because I knew you could make all this equipment work, just like I knew that Savannah could get this place in shape before we arrived. I was also convinced that the two of you could protect yourselves and each other. Who would you have sent in your place? Donovan? She's not really trained and she's too new for me to trust. Eric? He can make things work, but he can't take care of himself like you can. What about someone who could do what Savannah does? Who could clean up an island while smiling and keeping you from overworking?"

Leon sighed. "Also, which death would be more credible. If Donovan had died, there would have been a nice memorial and then people would just go on about their business. You and Savannah have impacted everyone, and there was no way that you weren't dead. Anyone watching would have believed it, because people reacted like I expected them. I knew that it was a gamble, but I know my people, better than anyone thinks. I know Mr. Callen, and I know that as angry as he was, everything is fine now. He did what he had to do and now we work as we've always done. I trusted that if he lost sight of things, Sam would have been there to help. I know that Mr. Morgan and Ms. Prentiss have had to face a similar situation so they'd understand, just like I relied on them to take the slack while Mr. Callen was not on top of his game. People reacted as I expected and I know that because I was watching them closely, even more so than normal.

"Mr. Kinney makes it really hard to help him. I'm not blaming him, but I also know that he created a vacuum around him. There wasn't much I could do for his mental well being, but I was making sure that he was fine physically, that the alcohol was there, but it was never enough to cause blood poisoning. That he spent the night where he wasn't supposed to, but that we knew where he was and we would have made sure that he was all right. I stopped him from leaving, because I knew that it was a reaction from losing you." He wished he could say that it'd never happen again, but Leon knew that he'd do whatever it took to help this group of people. "He's not collateral damage, John. It would have been much worse if you had been found and killed for real. I needed to protect everyone. It wasn't prefect, but it was the best I could do until the circumstances. And I know you'll hate me for this, but maybe it's not completely a bad thing. Mr. Kinney has lived too long trying to detach himself from life. Not today, or tomorrow, or even this month, but maybe when he's healed, he can start appreciating the important things, like the friends he has around him, friends that tried to help. I know you aren't Savannah, but now it's your turn to be the sociable one, bring him out of his isolation."

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johnbaum
2012-11-19 11:08 pm UTC (link)

"Dom? Nell? Between the two of them you've got pretty much the same skill set, if a little light on actually hacking ability or frills. You still have as many people affected as you do with Savannah's death. You don't have people leaving. And you aren't putting someone with absolutely no care for his own survival into the perfect situation to get himself killed." John wasn't even thinking about needing to not overwork. Savannah was good, but she wasn't Brian and he'd been trying to get as much done as possible, as fast as possible, so he could get back to Brian, even if he did let her force breaks for food on him. And cheerleader movies when it was too late to keep working and he was in too much danger of writing an email he shouldn't if he turned the computer back on.

"Could you have stopped him from turning into a spider and startling whatever soldier he was fucking into squashing him?" Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair. "I don't hate you. It'd be easier if I did. I could just be angry and not care. I just...I never wanted him to feel pain like this. It reminds me of what I felt the day my world ended. If you recall, I wasn't much more interested in getting attached to people and life when I first got here, either. That day I called in sick to training. I locked the door and refused to answer any knock. And Brian climbed the tree outside my window so he could be there for me. I shut everything and everyone out and he refused to let me shut him out. But, when he needed someone to climb through his window, where was I? Where was anyone? If Brian's tried to detach himself from life, if he managed to create a vacuum around himself, why hasn't anyone else but me tried climbing that tree?"

He shook his head. "You think Brian doesn't appreciate the friends he has around him? How many of those friends has he gone out of his way to help? He found Sean something to do when he couldn't train because of his hand. He watched after Nell when others couldn't see she was having problems this summer. He'd give Savannah pretty much any party she wanted by this point, I think. Maybe he doesn't let many people in, but most of us don't do that. Not even Savannah. Friendly as she is, she's very selective about who she tells the truly important things. But, Brian isn't unaware of his friends or unappreciative. He just doesn't show it in ways most people would expect. And, yeah, he's going to push people away when he's hurt. He's not the only one who does that, either. But, he's the only one everyone seems content to let do it. Even Eliot, who always seemed at odds with half the people here, would have had me or Savannah or Nate there, refusing to let him shut the world out if April was gone. So, why wasn't anyone doing that for Brian? Was Callen left alone? Deeks? Derek?

"I'm here for him now and I'm not going to let him shut down completely, just like he was there for me. I just want to make sure this doesn't happen again. I know, if you have to, you'll do the same again. I get that. I get doing things and making the hard decisions that might hurt people but are for the greater good. And I can't promise him I won't die so he never has to go through that again, no matter how much I wish I could. But, I want to know that if I die, or am captured, or have my death faked again, that you'll look after him for me. Not as the director of an agency who has to make those decisions. But, as the man who tried to give a lonely seventeen year old boy a father figure or a mentor of some kind when he first found himself stuck here, despite having to also be that Director."

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leon_vance
2012-11-20 01:39 am UTC (link)

"I couldn't have sent them. Nell has never been out since we've been here. How credible would that be?" he asked. "Dom has barely left as well. You have been out more than he has. No, John. You two were the right choice. You're also very valuable now. As far as the government is concerned, you are dead. You have a freedom that none of us have. I am truly sorry of the repercussions, but this was the right decision for this team as a unit, and the people who left have raised the same objections over and over. They would have been unlikely to adjust to life on this island." He might not like that they were away, but that was because he didn't trust them not to do something stupid and get on the government's radar and then they'd have to save them "It is best this way."

Leon sighed. "Honestly? He was too drunk to even think about changing into anything, let alone doing it, but I had a tracker on him. I had ears on him all the time. I would have had eyes, but I didn't think any of us wanted that." He squeezed John's shoulder. "I don't apologize to my agents, but I am sorry for the pain you and he are feeling, but you know him. Did you really think he would let someone else take your place that quickly? He wouldn't have and he shouldn't have and if this had been real, then I would have spoken to him, but I felt that it would have been counterproductive considering that you were not dead."

He smiled a little. "You don't have to defend him, John. I know what he can do. He started out as a pain in the ass and he's currently running my office together with Nell. I also know what he does for the people around him, but I also know that he doesn't really let the people in. He likes to give and dismisses what he does, but receiving is a different matter. However, don't think he was left alone. He and Mr. Callen have spent quite some time together. I can't say either was very talkative. Derek and Callen have spent time together. Sam has been extremely attentive as well. We might not have done it the proper way, but we've tried in our own way." It seemed that it wasn't enough, though. "Still, if this were to happen in the future, I will act differently. I promise, and not just because you're asking, but because he deserves the help."

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johnbaum
2012-11-20 06:36 am UTC (link)

"The last time you said I was valuable you wouldn't let me off the ranch for practically anything," John pointed out with a wry chuckle before sighing heavily. "I get it. I really do. Don't like it; but, I get it. I just...I've always had trouble not getting involved. I don't know how the man who was Derek's commanding officer learned to do things like this. I'm making it too personal, but it's hard not to when it's someone I care about getting hurt in the process. I'd rather it was me."

For a moment, John entertained the thought of all of them with eyes on Brian trying to fuck his way to numbness and it brought out a tiny, mischievous smirk. Reaching up to wrap his hand briefly around Vance's arm when the older man touched his shoulder, John nodded. That Vance had said he was sorry for the pain meant something, even if they both knew it wouldn't change the choice if the same situation arose in the future. "I wouldn't think so, no. I do know him. But, I'd like to think someone would try to reach him anyway."

Looking a little sheepish, he smiled softly. "Sorry. Feeling a bit protective right now, I guess." He huffed softly in amusement. "He and Callen spent time together and he didn't get punched. I'm not sure what that says about either of them. Derek and Callen doesn't surprise me so much. But Callen and Brian?" John just shook his head. "I'm sorry for jumping to the conclusion he was left alone. I just...I see him, talk to him, I hear how drunk he was and for how long...Thank you. I know I don't really have a right to ask anything of you. There just aren't a lot of people I'd trust to have his back that he'd actually listen to, even if just a little bit.

"If I promise to stop being an emotional teenager again, can I take horrible advantage of your sympathy to ask for one more thing?" he added, smiling a little more, even if deadly serious about the question. "If he has to be off the island any time soon, send me with him? Just in case? Just while he has a little time to heal and readjust."

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leon_vance
2012-11-20 01:40 pm UTC (link)

"Practically anything. This was too important not to," he said, before looking out. "You learn with time. It starts with simple missions, when you're just a lieutenant or a field agent. You get upset with the first losses and then you isolate just a little more with each passing day and twenty years after , no one really gets through your walls, not even your wife and children. They see some, you show some, but some walls never go down not matter what happens. Go through this often enough, and you won't make it that personal."

Leon shook his head. "No reason to, and it's not like you'd found out about what I did if I didn't tell you. The only people who knew about this move were me, you and savannah, and even then you really didn't know what we were doing. Everything that has been done to prepare this move and since you left has been done by me and without anyone's knowledge. No one would even know that I had ears on Brian." Just like no one probably suspected that he'd spent the past two weeks watching most of the cameras, knowing exactly where everyone was and when. "You can ask, but you know that I don't interfere with assignments made by others, but I think you'll find that there won't be any separation. The four people making those choices are too smart for that. Still, if there is a problem, we'll deal with it before he goes off. Now, I believe we need to finish cleaning before we start grilling fish. Watching people clean them before hand should be entertaining. Let's get going."

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