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Tweak says, "A nice cup of steamy hot tea"

TJ Hammond (hammond_tj) wrote in omega_reality,
@ 2012-10-13 20:32:00

Entry tags:

*complete, 2012 10, character: douglas hammond, character: thomas hammond

RP: Thomas and Doug
Who: Thomas Hammond and Doug Hammond
Where: Their apartment
When: Saturday, October 13, 2012
Summary: The brothers discuss what happened the night before.

True to his word, Travis had put in a call to a piano tuner and by a random stroke of sheer luck, they were able to get the piano tuned that afternoon. Then the tuner was gone, Travis was off to his interview, and Doug was...well, TJ wasn't sure, but he assumed his room. And that left TJ alone with the Steinway.

He still wasn't quite sure what to make of that gift. It was funny because in his old life, the life he knew and was familiar to him, even if he kept trying to escape it in any way possible, he wouldn't have thought twice about it. Someone gave him a piano, something he wanted but was playing demure about for appearances. But, it was different, here. Maybe it was because such a point had been made about this not being the life he was used to, having to do without things. Or, maybe it was because Travis had done it and still didn't really get it because it wasn't his world.

Sitting down to play, he had one more thought of what made it seem so strange.

The last time someone had been that sweet, TJ had nearly self-destructed and he wasn't at all sure he didn't have his feet still on that path.

Was it love at first sight?
I didn't know what love at first sight was...before you.

The opening strains of Beethoven's Fur Elise came to him on instinct and he went with it, the piece as simple and pure as the love it was supposed to have been written for had been. Not that TJ thought anything he'd had was pure. He had thought what he and Sean had was real; it had been real for him.

It had been more real than anything else in TJ's life.

For the first time in longer than he could remember, he had been happy. Really, simply happy. Despite what everyone thought, he hadn't stayed clean for Sean. He'd stayed clean simply because he hadn't felt the need to use. Things were good. There was nothing to escape from when he had that safe harbor. He'd felt...loved, loved for himself and not the family name.

You gonna let them do this? Come after us like some kind of witch hunt?
I think what they're doing is the lowest form of politics, but the Congressman created this situation for himself.

Beethoven gave way to Lizt mid-phrase as the love song turned into Totentanz, frustration adding a slight more staccato than was written into the piece.

Getting involved with a married man was foolish. TJ knew that. But, it wasn't the first time and it probably wouldn't have been the last if he hadn't gone and done the unimaginable by falling in love. He'd barely been able to say the word last night, telling Travis about what happened. It was still true, though. He'd been in love with Sean Reeves, hopelessly so. Foolishly so, believing a Congressman would really give up everything for him, leave his wife and choose love over politics?

It was as stupid as believing his mother would try to help her son instead of protect the family's political standing. That had been the moment, he thought, the moment he'd given up his faith in her and her reputed moral ideals just like he'd given up his faith in his father years before. She claimed she wanted to help, but she couldn't even take five seconds to acknowledge TJ had feelings, emotions so tied up and intense it outweighed politics and press reactions. Instead, all she could do was tell him 'no', throw coming out and how bad it would be when the press found out at him. The woman stood up against the President of the United States when she wanted to. But, for her own son she couldn't go to bat against the likes of Fred Collier?

I wouldn't any more attend this thing that I would watch someone toss a baby seal into the jaws of an orca.

Rachmaninoff's Morceaux de fantasie now, as one piece blended into another with the change in direction of TJ's thoughts, each as unfinished as the last.

It had taken him six months to recover from Sean's abandonment. Six months. And the first time he thought he had something good, something with potential and a future...along came Papa to sweep it all out from under him. TJ's fingers fumbled a chord as he recalled once again being told he should have stayed with the piano. When was the last time he'd called his father Papa? Had he ever? Probably not. It was probably just one more soft side he'd had to keep hidden in his head, never let them show weakness.

Because TJ knew he was that baby seal. The soft, weak, black sheep of the family who wanted all the wrong things and didn't know how to handle the power thrust at him from birth. The orca wasn't the club, though. It was politics. TJ was being slowly eaten alive by it all and couldn't care anymore.

Except he had a chance here, a chance to grow stronger. He wanted it. He knew that. But, he couldn't shake the soft parts, the weaknesses, the need for that stupid, stupid mistake called love. That desire for affection of his was the one thing that had always caused him to fail. They only love us until they hate us.

Don't touch me! Yeah, we had sex, TJ. Big deal. I was lonely. And, yeah, it felt good, especially if I kept my eyes closed and it was fine while it was happening, but I always left here feeling disgusted with myself....I'm not like you, alright? I've got...a life, a career, not some pathetic American punchline. This life of yours, or whatever you want to call it? It may be okay for you? But I want more.

Beethoven's 5th symphony came crashing out only to slide into his Moonlight Sonata after a few passages.

A pathetic American punchline. Those were the same words he'd paraphrased when he went to Doug for the money for the club. What am I? Just some page six joke? Even his club, the best thing in his life, was tainted. His partners really only cared about having the Hammond name attached. And, had said as much.

How was he supposed to believe Travis' statements of friendship and support when none of that had ever lasted in his life?

And the man was confusing as hell!

First with the open relationship cover and not having sex because it wasn't kosher undercover. Then with the jealousy act. Okay, TJ had pushed then. He couldn't help himself. He liked that feeling of being wanted that much. And he wasn't a nice man. He knew he'd have no problems pushing until he got what he wanted while Travis was undercover.

But, he actually liked Travis...the real Travis, not the cover. He liked the irritating cop who didn't understand so many things about TJ or his world. TJ could feel himself wanting to trust Travis, caring about what the man thought of him. That was the last thing TJ needed. No matter how much he might wanted the boyfriend who got jealous of anyone else touching him, he couldn't take another Sean. Travis might disagree. But it wasn't like TJ would have many opportunities to fuck around anyway. He liked his privacy too much.

The music ran out along with his thoughts and TJ sighed as his fingers stilled on the keys.

An open relationship where they kept to Travis' no sex rule was best. When this was over, he couldn't miss what he'd never had.

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doug_hammond
2012-10-16 12:11 pm UTC (link)

"I don't know. Poverty must be getting to me, because I don't know what I'm arguing for anymore" Doug answered, snorting, before growing serious. "I don't know, TJ. He's weird and different, and I can give you plenty of reasons why you and he are a very stupid idea, but he seems to care. I don't know why. He was... nice to me and not because he needed to get to Mom. He was asking about me and job and what I like, and how he's glad that I decided to come, because now we have each other. It's surreal and unexpected, but I've dealt with a lot of liars and he sounds real, and if he isn't, then he should be the politician."

Doug smiled back. "I like it when you play for me." Maybe their co-dependency wasn't the healthiest, but then the entire family was fucked up. His parents, him and his Mom, TJ and Nana. None of them had normal relationships. "Dad probably enjoyed the affairs going public, too, at least in part. It's who he is. He loves the limelight, whether it's positive or negative. I don't think he liked to deal with it privately, but in the press? I'm sure he had a ball" He chuckled. "Good, although I don't know how we're winning that paintball war if we can't shoot." For all of their good intentions, he doubted that they'd follow everything to the letter, but they'd try. "we need to do some of the work, because we are going back." That was a depressing thought. He might actually enjoy living here without responsibilities.

He looked at TJ for a moment. "If you're getting clean? Are you still unsure about that? And yes, I know how hypocritical it is coming from me, but I don't lose it if I don't use." No, he did stupid things when he used. The only positive side was that it didn't matter here, because no one would care and there were no reputations on the line.

"I know you suck, but if you wanted to, you'd be really good." He leaned against TJ, their sides touching even more than before. "Except you trust too much. You wouldn't have told me. Ever. Because he wouldn't have let you. He's a conservative Republican from a red state. It was never going to happen. We both know that, or we should know, and if you had told me, I'd have smacked some sense into you." And then he would have covered for TJ when his brother wouldn't listen. It was the way things went.

"I'm kind of glad that it happened," he said softly. "The son of a bitch would have never come out. He'd have strung you along, until someone wanted his seat badly enough to leak your affair. I know you blame Mom for not covering for you, but once that information is out, there's nothing that anyone can do, not even the president. Sooner or later, he'll find someone and sooner or later, someone will make it public. It's the way it works in DC, even if you don't like it, and that's why I'm glad it happened the way it did. You're free of him and there's no public repercussions on you, and of course, you deserve a lot better than a closeted conservative Republican." He stopped playing all togeher and turned to TJ. "Really what were you thinking? God, TJ, it amazes me how idealistic you've stayed despite the show you put on."

Doug cupped the back of TJ's head and hugged him with the other arm. "I'm glad he's out of your life. You. you're alive, that's all that matters now." He pulled back and looked at TJ. "I don't want your excuses, TJ. I want you to stop doing this to me. I don't care about the kind of job you want, the man you want to date, I don't care if you pick the Energizer Bunny or a blue collar cop from LA. I just care about you, and I know I'm going to regret saying this, but if you like the man, really him, and not some idealized dream version of how things should be, then see where it goes. Don't pull the act on him, don't let him see what he wants to see. Show him the TJ I know and if he likes you back, then fine, and if he doesn't, it doesn't say anything about you, but it's just prove that he has no taste." He turned around and started playing again. "And for God's sake, don't rush."

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hammond_tj
2012-10-16 05:55 pm UTC (link)

"And that, right there, is the most confusing part. How many people have you ever known to care without wanting something in return or already being involved with them? Sure, I've had boyfriends who cared about TJ, not Thomas...okay, maybe one. But, friends? All of my friends fall into one of four categories: people who do drugs with me, people I occasionally fuck, people who want something from me, or people from whom I want something. The man who wants to help me, who has my back just because he actually believes in 'serve and protect' and considers friends to be people he can trust, doesn't fit into any of those. I mean, at that wedding, he said he wanted to see if there was something that could make me smile. A 'friend' doesn't say shit like that, right? But, that's what he calls it. Friendship...with a straight man who flirts as easily as breathing." TJ snorted. Oh yeah, that was going to work out really well.

When he was younger, TJ had actually done some reading on twins. He'd been at boarding school, missing his brother, and innocent enough, even still, to be curious about the chances of a real psychic link holding them together. He hadn't found any proof of that and he didn't believe in magic or miracles or love, -- Just keep telling yourself that, boy. -- but he did believe that no matter how far apart, he and his brother would find a way back to each other. Doug had been his other half since conception, basically. Things were never right when they tried to forget that. "Then I'll keep playing for you." The smile faded, as it always did, talking about their dad. "He probably did at that. You know, I used to wonder sometimes if he engineered my coming out to fix public perception after the affairs came out."

Sighing, he shook his head. "I don't know. I seem to be saying that a lot today. But, it's been awhile since I hit a real rough patch. It's been a little over a week since I last used? And I can feel that urge getting stronger every day. I know, it's all in my head, but, really, name any place more fucked up beyond all recognition than my head. I dare you. I don't have the faith in myself. I'm just putting off the bad day, right now. But, it's going to come, once the novelty of living like this wears off and it's just the boring monotony of little money, little sex, little fun, lots of training. It's going to come and I don't know if I'm strong enough."

TJ had to laugh. "Would you please tell Travis that? I trust too much. I'm curious what shade of yellow he might turn trying to reconcile that with the person he's sure is never going to trust anyone. Not even his own family, other than you." It hurt to hear Doug say he was glad it ended the way it did. But, TJ told himself politically, his brother was probably correct. And, Doug didn't know any of the things Sean had said. It was just that, emotionally, there'd been nothing left of TJ after that. "That's not what I blame her for...no, okay, I do blame her for not even trying to do something. But, it's more than that. It was a mistake to get involved, a mistake to trust him. I get that. Eventually, I'd get there. But, you weren't there when she told me. I was in love with him. I was in love, in love for the first time ever, and all she cared about was what the press would say, how quickly the family could be distanced from things. Not a word for the fact if I broke things off with him, I'd be breaking my own heart. He might have done that for her, but I couldn't and she didn't care."

Even when she talked about the suicide attempt, it was about how much better she was than Sean because she just happened to be there at the right time to find him. There was no sign she actually would have cared if he'd died. Probably be relieved she didn't have to deal with his mistakes. She and Dad could play the grieving parents and see what it did to their numbers in the fucking polls.

"I'm sorry," he murmured against Doug's shoulder as he hugged his brother back tightly. When Doug pulled away, TJ listened, but shook his head. "I don't even know who TJ is and he very clearly prefers woman, Dougie. It's not going to happen, whether I want it to or not, and I'm still undecided on if I'd rather want him or have him."

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doug_hammond
2012-10-16 07:27 pm UTC (link)

"A few... one... okay no one," he said, shaking his head. "I have less categories. The ones who want something from me, the ones who want to use me to get to mom and the ones who wanted to marry me so they could be part of this fucked up family." He chuckled. "He's way weird. Even if he wants to be your friend, suddenly he's worried about me. I don't know if it's this brother-in-law carried a little too far, or he's just insane. This was so crazy that even Doug couldn't come up with an explanation, but then TJ went on and Doug didn't need a valid reason anymore. "If he wants to see you smile, then he's all right with me, no matter how crazy he is."

Just as TJ said that he'd keep playing Doug stopped again. "He did not. He's fucked up, TJ, but he would never do that to you. He didn't need to," he added with a sigh. "The public was already eating out of his hand with the apologetic act and Mom standing by him. A gay son could have exploded in his face, take him out of the limelight inside the Democratic party. If you don't believe that he wouldn't do it because he's our father, then believe that he wouldn't have done it because it was too politically risky." And only in their family, politics could be more convincing than affection and love.

"If you aren't strong enough, then you find me. I might not be much better than you, but together, we'll make it through, right? It's why we're doing it together. It's nice to have crazy man to deal with the menial stuff, but it's me and you." Doug needed TJ as much as TJ needed him, even if his brother didn't see it. Neither of them was strong enough, but maybe if they pooled their strength together they would be.

Snorting, he shook his head. "I'm not talking to him more than I have to. I'm not the one who's crazy." Doug sighed when TJ talked about their mother. He might have a soft spot for her, but he also understood her more than TJ. "It wasn't about the press. well, yes, it was, but not the way you think. You think breaking your heart was bad? But what was the alternative? Keeping it hidden right? For how long? He was never going to come out, and you wouldn't have had the time to get there, because this was too big. You know you can only cover up for so long, especially when votes and seats are on the line. He's such a hard liner that the party was going to go after him with everything they'd got, and when it came out, what do you think would have happened? He'd have done his song and dance about being sorry, his wife would have smiled at the press conference, we would have heard about mistakes, seduction, temptation, sinning and how he's sin the light and the press would have crucified you. Forget about Mom. She wouldn't have been touched by this, but you? The comparisons to Dad would have made it so easy. The Republicans, fuck Fox would have made you their prime time special, proof that gay men can't be trusted, how they try to seduce God abiding citizen. I'm not discounting that it hurt, TJ. I know you and I know it must have been horrible, but the alternative would have been so much worse for you that I'm glad mom did what she did. Granted, she probably should have explained, but she wasn't wrong."

Doug patted TJ's cheek. "I know who TJ is and he's a wonderful person. Stop wondering and just ... be yourself. We've trusted him so far, trust him with that, and whatever happens happens."

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hammond_tj
2012-10-17 02:22 am UTC (link)

"Okay, so, at least I got out of having that last category." TJ smirked, failing at not laughing. Being the first openly gay son of a president did have a few advantages, he supposed. Not the least of which being most people still didn't think 'marriage' when getting involved, no matter how many states put new laws through to the contrary. At least not in his social circles. "Maybe he's just secretly smitten and loves what I love," he teased, knowing there was no way in hell that could be a serious reason. "You do realize the mere fact he says he wants to makes him crazy, right?"

The minuet faltered when Doug stopped playing, slipping into Moonlight Sonata again. "I didn't say I still wondered. It doesn't actually mattered to me much anymore. I'm out. It sucked at the time, but I don't regret it now. It's why I got so pissed off when that was all Mom could say over Sean. 'If you think coming out in the White House was tough...'" TJ sighed, continuing to play mostly because it was soothing. "I get the politics, Doug. I really do. But, that was the one time I needed her to acknowledge that it was about something more than politics. I needed her to at least recognize what I was feeling and she wouldn't or couldn't."

Either way, it didn't matter. As usual, she'd decided he needed protecting from his decisions and had barreled in deciding what he needed to do without any regard for his feelings on the matter.

"You know, you can say you know it must have been horrible. Why couldn't she? Instead of attacking Sean, why couldn't she even say that much? 'I know it's painful, but it's for the best', even. I'm not asking for her to go all mushy or some crap like that. Just...something."

He stopped playing and took a deep breath before turning back to look at his brother with a half-hearted smile. "You sure you're not as crazy as he is? 'Wonderful'? Really? Maybe we're both insane considering we're out here doing this," he added with a dry chuckle. "You and me against the world...or, at least Pittsburgh and my addictions...with a crazy cop to do the heavy lifting."

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