InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "It fills the void."

TJ Hammond (hammond_tj) wrote in omega_reality,
@ 2012-10-13 20:32:00

Entry tags:

*complete, 2012 10, character: douglas hammond, character: thomas hammond

RP: Thomas and Doug
Who: Thomas Hammond and Doug Hammond
Where: Their apartment
When: Saturday, October 13, 2012
Summary: The brothers discuss what happened the night before.

True to his word, Travis had put in a call to a piano tuner and by a random stroke of sheer luck, they were able to get the piano tuned that afternoon. Then the tuner was gone, Travis was off to his interview, and Doug was...well, TJ wasn't sure, but he assumed his room. And that left TJ alone with the Steinway.

He still wasn't quite sure what to make of that gift. It was funny because in his old life, the life he knew and was familiar to him, even if he kept trying to escape it in any way possible, he wouldn't have thought twice about it. Someone gave him a piano, something he wanted but was playing demure about for appearances. But, it was different, here. Maybe it was because such a point had been made about this not being the life he was used to, having to do without things. Or, maybe it was because Travis had done it and still didn't really get it because it wasn't his world.

Sitting down to play, he had one more thought of what made it seem so strange.

The last time someone had been that sweet, TJ had nearly self-destructed and he wasn't at all sure he didn't have his feet still on that path.

Was it love at first sight?
I didn't know what love at first sight was...before you.

The opening strains of Beethoven's Fur Elise came to him on instinct and he went with it, the piece as simple and pure as the love it was supposed to have been written for had been. Not that TJ thought anything he'd had was pure. He had thought what he and Sean had was real; it had been real for him.

It had been more real than anything else in TJ's life.

For the first time in longer than he could remember, he had been happy. Really, simply happy. Despite what everyone thought, he hadn't stayed clean for Sean. He'd stayed clean simply because he hadn't felt the need to use. Things were good. There was nothing to escape from when he had that safe harbor. He'd felt...loved, loved for himself and not the family name.

You gonna let them do this? Come after us like some kind of witch hunt?
I think what they're doing is the lowest form of politics, but the Congressman created this situation for himself.

Beethoven gave way to Lizt mid-phrase as the love song turned into Totentanz, frustration adding a slight more staccato than was written into the piece.

Getting involved with a married man was foolish. TJ knew that. But, it wasn't the first time and it probably wouldn't have been the last if he hadn't gone and done the unimaginable by falling in love. He'd barely been able to say the word last night, telling Travis about what happened. It was still true, though. He'd been in love with Sean Reeves, hopelessly so. Foolishly so, believing a Congressman would really give up everything for him, leave his wife and choose love over politics?

It was as stupid as believing his mother would try to help her son instead of protect the family's political standing. That had been the moment, he thought, the moment he'd given up his faith in her and her reputed moral ideals just like he'd given up his faith in his father years before. She claimed she wanted to help, but she couldn't even take five seconds to acknowledge TJ had feelings, emotions so tied up and intense it outweighed politics and press reactions. Instead, all she could do was tell him 'no', throw coming out and how bad it would be when the press found out at him. The woman stood up against the President of the United States when she wanted to. But, for her own son she couldn't go to bat against the likes of Fred Collier?

I wouldn't any more attend this thing that I would watch someone toss a baby seal into the jaws of an orca.

Rachmaninoff's Morceaux de fantasie now, as one piece blended into another with the change in direction of TJ's thoughts, each as unfinished as the last.

It had taken him six months to recover from Sean's abandonment. Six months. And the first time he thought he had something good, something with potential and a future...along came Papa to sweep it all out from under him. TJ's fingers fumbled a chord as he recalled once again being told he should have stayed with the piano. When was the last time he'd called his father Papa? Had he ever? Probably not. It was probably just one more soft side he'd had to keep hidden in his head, never let them show weakness.

Because TJ knew he was that baby seal. The soft, weak, black sheep of the family who wanted all the wrong things and didn't know how to handle the power thrust at him from birth. The orca wasn't the club, though. It was politics. TJ was being slowly eaten alive by it all and couldn't care anymore.

Except he had a chance here, a chance to grow stronger. He wanted it. He knew that. But, he couldn't shake the soft parts, the weaknesses, the need for that stupid, stupid mistake called love. That desire for affection of his was the one thing that had always caused him to fail. They only love us until they hate us.

Don't touch me! Yeah, we had sex, TJ. Big deal. I was lonely. And, yeah, it felt good, especially if I kept my eyes closed and it was fine while it was happening, but I always left here feeling disgusted with myself....I'm not like you, alright? I've got...a life, a career, not some pathetic American punchline. This life of yours, or whatever you want to call it? It may be okay for you? But I want more.

Beethoven's 5th symphony came crashing out only to slide into his Moonlight Sonata after a few passages.

A pathetic American punchline. Those were the same words he'd paraphrased when he went to Doug for the money for the club. What am I? Just some page six joke? Even his club, the best thing in his life, was tainted. His partners really only cared about having the Hammond name attached. And, had said as much.

How was he supposed to believe Travis' statements of friendship and support when none of that had ever lasted in his life?

And the man was confusing as hell!

First with the open relationship cover and not having sex because it wasn't kosher undercover. Then with the jealousy act. Okay, TJ had pushed then. He couldn't help himself. He liked that feeling of being wanted that much. And he wasn't a nice man. He knew he'd have no problems pushing until he got what he wanted while Travis was undercover.

But, he actually liked Travis...the real Travis, not the cover. He liked the irritating cop who didn't understand so many things about TJ or his world. TJ could feel himself wanting to trust Travis, caring about what the man thought of him. That was the last thing TJ needed. No matter how much he might wanted the boyfriend who got jealous of anyone else touching him, he couldn't take another Sean. Travis might disagree. But it wasn't like TJ would have many opportunities to fuck around anyway. He liked his privacy too much.

The music ran out along with his thoughts and TJ sighed as his fingers stilled on the keys.

An open relationship where they kept to Travis' no sex rule was best. When this was over, he couldn't miss what he'd never had.

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doug_hammond
2012-10-14 09:13 pm UTC (link)

Doug had stayed in his room while TJ had played. They were close and they helped each other, but for the past few years, they had been used to having their own space and the piano was TJ's space, but when the music stopped, he came outside. He stood and watched for a moment, before going to the piano and sitting on the corner of the bench, side pressed against his brother.

He turned his head to look at TJ. "I haven't heard you play like this in a while." He didn't know if it had been Dad's insistence that TJ play, or the ODing, or just the fact that they were on the campaign trail for so long. "I can't believe he got you a Steinway. For two hundred dollars." He started to press on the keys. He had taken classes, just like TJ, except that he'd found it boring and except for a few bars from Fur Elise and some Chopin, he couldn't remember much. Unless you counted Heart and Soul, probably the only thing they could play with four hands without showing their different levels of ability. Okay, so maybe he might remember the Minuet in G by Bach, but that hardly showed TJ's skills.

"What's going on with the two of you?" he asked as he kept playing. "Don't tell me it's nothing, TJ. I might not understand him, and I admit that I don't get why he went to all the trouble, and trust me, moving a baby grand is a lot of trouble, but I understand you. No matter what you say, you like him." And he's straight, Doug mentally added.

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hammond_tj
2012-10-15 03:17 am UTC (link)

"Haven't in a long time. Nana and I sat in on a couple of the jam sessions after we got here. Just listening. Well, not Nana," TJ added, chuckling. "You know she had to join in singing any song she knew. But, it reminded me how much I enjoy it." When it had been for himself, or to make people like Doug and Nana smile. For Sean, who had always said he loved listening to TJ play.

Scooting over to make a little more room for his brother, TJ's fingers moved over the keys again, very quietly echoing what his brother played but at a different octave. He missed this, too. Piano had always been TJ's thing more than Doug's. But, they'd played together more when they were little. Then again, they'd done a lot more together when they were little. Growing up and having to take on separate lives sucked sometimes.

"I don't know, Dougie," he admitted quietly. "I...he confuses the hell out of me. I mean, he isn't my type. And, while he's attractive, usually as soon as he opens his mouth I'd rather strangle him than fuck him. But, I do like him...like him as a person. And maybe I like him a little, too. But, let's be honest, anything more than that is impossible given his preferences. How sad is it that he's tried to create this perfect boyfriend for a cover to make it easier for me and I like the annoying cop with no sense of style more?

"He's so different, though. I don't really understand him either. He talks about being friends as though it's something freely given. No strings. No drugs. No sex. No other reason than he thinks I can be a stronger, better person than what I let myself be. I don't think I even know the TJ he sees, but I kind of want to when I listen to him talk. He actually believes in me and I can't begin to fathom why. I think that alone is enough for me to have a little crush on him. But, I also find myself doing things when he's just himself, not the cover, that are wholly platonic and just because I...care."

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doug_hammond
2012-10-15 02:26 pm UTC (link)

"And yes, you argued when someone was talking about getting a piano," he said with an amused smile. "I'm not sure if you were being selfish or contrary." Oh, he knew very well what TJ was doing. Dad said he should play, therefore TJ would argue the opposite.

Doug scooted over. A bench, even this big, was not enough for two grown men trying to play, but they managed. it was something that they had learned as kids, always occupying enough room to fit the other. "I missed the playing, the real playing, not the one you do when you're high and want to show off,and people might not see the difference, but I do."

You could only go so many rounds of Heart and Soul before you were bored out of your mind. Doug almost started Chopsticks just to see TJ's reaction, but instead he did start Bach's Minuet, playing the initial chords twice to give TJ time to react to the switch.

"Even with the piano, I played the chords, the stable sounds, the repetitive and safe sounds while you played the melodies, the emotions." It was the result of talent, he knew that, but that talent was tied to their personalities. Doug could read the music, play the music, but there was no emotion in his playing; it was a mechanical rendition of notes, and he couldn't play by ear to save his life. No, he stuck by the script in music and in life. Until now.

Doug listened to TJ and chuckled. "Now I get it. It had nothing to do with being selfless or contrary. You're really a masochist. A blue collar cop?" He shook his head. "He's the opposite of everyone we know. No schooling, no sophistication, no sense of style. And isn't he a little too old for you?"

He played a little longer, and then sighed. "If you want him, you will find a way to make him want you. You could turn Valentino gay if he put your mind to it. That's what worries me. It can't last, TJ, and not because of his preferences. You two come from different worlds. You talk about Steinway and he has to research pianos. You talk about style and he's looking at the sale bins at Target. Who the hell even knows that there are sale bins at Target? Who goes to Target? I can see the allure, though. He is nothing like us, like Annie. She was nothing like Loren, while Loren was... well she was mom with a few less years, and Ann was perfectly not. Proposing was the worse thing I did, TJ, and there was no way to back out, not when everyone was making plans the moment they found out. I should have had the courage to say something, but I didn't. Instead I married her and turned into Dad. Ann and I are too different and in the long run, it doesn't work. Mom and Dad can be divorced and living in different planets and they still work in their fucked up way, because they are so alike. You and Travis are so different, what are you going to talk about? What do you have in common? How long before either one gets bored or wakes up and realizes that it doesn't work? I don't care if that's you, but if he gets bored first, you will get hurt."

Doug turned his head to look at TJ. "You will get bored of a man who thinks a Heineken is as good as a bottle of Dom Perignon, if not better. I just hope that you get bored before he does."

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hammond_tj
2012-10-15 10:42 pm UTC (link)

"Neither. While I'm totally fine with getting everything I want," TJ said, grinning at Doug, "part of the reason I'm doing this is to learn to fend for myself. Having things handed to me straight out to soften that just seems...patronizing." And if he'd wanted to be patronized, he'd have stayed with their parents.

Smiling, he switched into his part of the Minuet. Why couldn't everything be as simple as playing piano with his twin? "It's not about showing off." It was about making a point in the only way he knew how. It was not letting his father think he couldn't play, just because he wouldn't. "The chords are what ground the melody, though, keep it from flying off on it's own in some crazy dance. Chords anchor the melody so it's never totally lost even when it sounds like it."

Really, if they could have ever found something that held both their interests enough equally, TJ thought they could literally have taken over Washington, if not the world. When they worked together, they were really good.

And when the conversation circled around to Travis, TJ laughed. "Turn Valentino gay? Now you're just trying to turn my head with pretty compliments, bro."

Echoing his brother's sigh, he shook his head. "Even if I like him, I'm not stupid enough to think I love him or that it's going to last...or start. I don't believe in that faerietale anymore. I'm not even trying, really. That's the confusing part. I mean...the flirting and teasing and pushing when he's playing the part of the perfect boyfriend? It's...like dating Marcia Corrigan in eighth grade so I could get invited to her brother's sixteenth birthday party because he was hot and even as a first son thirteen year old me wasn't getting invited except as her one guest. But, it stops when he steps out of the cover. Normally, I'd be all over trying to blur the lines and getting him to fuck me. But, I'm not and I don't know why. It's like with the piano, in a way. I want him...I think...maybe. But, I lose interest the minute there's even a hint of a chance I can have him without...earning it, I guess? Actually, that's not even true. I don't lose interest in him, just in...trying, maybe? Maybe it's just that, in a way, he's safe? I know there's absolutely no chance he'll ever reciprocate and it's okay to flirt and maybe really feel again. Maybe, I'm just...finally getting over Sean? I don't know. I really don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. Other than a really strong need to get high or fucked or both and stop thinking about it...him...for a little while."

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doug_hammond
2012-10-15 11:21 pm UTC (link)

"It's not what he meant to do. He seemed to know that you needed this, and I can't believe I'm speaking up for him." He'd just stated all the reasons why it wasn't a good idea and now he was almost defending Travis. This was insane.

"Not even a little?" he asked, curious. "So what's the real reason? You know, I remember the last time that I heard you play just because. It was at my wedding. You sounded... better than you had in a long time. You do your best work when you play for yourself. Or me, obviously." He smiled a little. "And chords need the melody to come alive. You and I are going to do this. We're even going to win that paintball thing just to show him," he said, laughing. "I can't believe he wants us to train so much. Two hours with a gun, one with rifle, one of gym. So are we going to do it once he's working, or are we playing hooky?" Travis had mentioned a part time, night job, but that still meant that they had to do some work by themselves, especially if they ended up getting real job, during the day like normal people. "Still better than those people."

Doug chuckled. "I've seen you at parties. You would have made a great politician if you wanted. You're so much like Dad in that respect. You can make people love you, believe in you. You can put on an act that even Mom can't do. You can get him to fall for the act, but maybe that's the problem. It's not the act you want him to care about. It's why you lose interest. It's not real. You play the part when he plays it, and when he doesn't...." He sighed. "I don't know about you and Sean. I mean, you kept it a secret. How real could it be?" he asked with a frown. "I don't mean that you should have gone public, but you didn't tell me, TJ." He shook his head. "I don't believe for a moment that you didn't have doubts, or you'd have told me." He kept playing with his left, but used his right to rub TJ's back. "You're not going to fly off. I'm here, and strangely so is Travis. He didn't help the cover when we were with our parents or on vacation. He was helping you, not the boyfriend."

He started playing with both hands again and then took a deep breath, because he wasn't even sure what point he was trying to make. He loved his brother and his first instinct was to give him what he wanted He probably should have just mentioned how much they were both wrong for TJ, but instead, he asked, "Which him? Sean or Travis?"

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hammond_tj
2012-10-16 03:41 am UTC (link)

"Are you sure you think this is such a bad idea?" TJ teased. "I mean, sticking up for the man, now?" But, it made him feel better about the gut reaction to decide he'd try to trust the man after he and Travis had discussed the feeling of being dismissed TJ had after that conversation in general. TJ did trust his brother, after all.

He smiled at the memory of Doug's wedding. "Because that was for you. It was a gift, not a statement like it is every time Dad starts in. The 'showing off'? It's performing like a trained seal because that's what it would feel like if I listened to him. I don't think Dad's ever understood needing something private and personal unless it was an affair or state secrets. He enjoys living his live just out there. But, this is something just for me and the people I want to share it with, not the world." Snorting, he cast his brother an evil smirk. "We're playing hooky, of course...at least a little. I'll play nice and do some of the work since he didn't have to come with us and help." A sudden realization had him groaning. "Shit. If I actually get clean for real, I'm going to have to put in that work at the gym just to keep looking this good. I might have to change my mind, now.

"I suck at politics," he went on. "Rich and privileged I can do, that's the fun part. But, I'm not like the rest of you when it comes to the family business. Funny, for all the shit I've pulled in my life, it's politics I don't have the stomach for like you do. It wasn't anything at first, you know? With Sean. I didn't tell you because I thought it was just going to be another random guy. We'd have fun for a few nights and then go our separate ways. Sure, I saw the ring when I propositioned him. But, he was so blatantly checking me out. And then, after awhile, he was still there and somehow we'd become this thing and I happy, Dougie. I just...I liked the feeling of being with him and I wanted to believe he loved me, too. Even though he was married...and Republican. I think I would have told you first, if the rest hadn't happened. Eventually, I'd have told you." Biting his lip, he leaned into Doug a little to take the support offered. He was going to learn to do the same for his brother. He was. But, he still felt better having him there for himself, too. Sighing, he straightened again.

"Both hims. I told Travis about Sean last night. All of it. The affair, the blackmail, the break-up, trying to kill myself, the opening of the club and ODing. I'm sorry, too. For trying to leave you like that, for almost doing it a second time without meaning to. I...I guess I really am a selfish bastard because it never dawned on me how much I'd hurt you until last night. I guess...well, I guess I can come up with a lot of excuses, but you deserve better than excuses and I really am sorry. If there's one person I never wanted to hurt, it's you." He might have subconsciously been trying to punish their parents. But, not Doug. Not ever.

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doug_hammond
2012-10-16 12:11 pm UTC (link)

"I don't know. Poverty must be getting to me, because I don't know what I'm arguing for anymore" Doug answered, snorting, before growing serious. "I don't know, TJ. He's weird and different, and I can give you plenty of reasons why you and he are a very stupid idea, but he seems to care. I don't know why. He was... nice to me and not because he needed to get to Mom. He was asking about me and job and what I like, and how he's glad that I decided to come, because now we have each other. It's surreal and unexpected, but I've dealt with a lot of liars and he sounds real, and if he isn't, then he should be the politician."

Doug smiled back. "I like it when you play for me." Maybe their co-dependency wasn't the healthiest, but then the entire family was fucked up. His parents, him and his Mom, TJ and Nana. None of them had normal relationships. "Dad probably enjoyed the affairs going public, too, at least in part. It's who he is. He loves the limelight, whether it's positive or negative. I don't think he liked to deal with it privately, but in the press? I'm sure he had a ball" He chuckled. "Good, although I don't know how we're winning that paintball war if we can't shoot." For all of their good intentions, he doubted that they'd follow everything to the letter, but they'd try. "we need to do some of the work, because we are going back." That was a depressing thought. He might actually enjoy living here without responsibilities.

He looked at TJ for a moment. "If you're getting clean? Are you still unsure about that? And yes, I know how hypocritical it is coming from me, but I don't lose it if I don't use." No, he did stupid things when he used. The only positive side was that it didn't matter here, because no one would care and there were no reputations on the line.

"I know you suck, but if you wanted to, you'd be really good." He leaned against TJ, their sides touching even more than before. "Except you trust too much. You wouldn't have told me. Ever. Because he wouldn't have let you. He's a conservative Republican from a red state. It was never going to happen. We both know that, or we should know, and if you had told me, I'd have smacked some sense into you." And then he would have covered for TJ when his brother wouldn't listen. It was the way things went.

"I'm kind of glad that it happened," he said softly. "The son of a bitch would have never come out. He'd have strung you along, until someone wanted his seat badly enough to leak your affair. I know you blame Mom for not covering for you, but once that information is out, there's nothing that anyone can do, not even the president. Sooner or later, he'll find someone and sooner or later, someone will make it public. It's the way it works in DC, even if you don't like it, and that's why I'm glad it happened the way it did. You're free of him and there's no public repercussions on you, and of course, you deserve a lot better than a closeted conservative Republican." He stopped playing all togeher and turned to TJ. "Really what were you thinking? God, TJ, it amazes me how idealistic you've stayed despite the show you put on."

Doug cupped the back of TJ's head and hugged him with the other arm. "I'm glad he's out of your life. You. you're alive, that's all that matters now." He pulled back and looked at TJ. "I don't want your excuses, TJ. I want you to stop doing this to me. I don't care about the kind of job you want, the man you want to date, I don't care if you pick the Energizer Bunny or a blue collar cop from LA. I just care about you, and I know I'm going to regret saying this, but if you like the man, really him, and not some idealized dream version of how things should be, then see where it goes. Don't pull the act on him, don't let him see what he wants to see. Show him the TJ I know and if he likes you back, then fine, and if he doesn't, it doesn't say anything about you, but it's just prove that he has no taste." He turned around and started playing again. "And for God's sake, don't rush."

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hammond_tj
2012-10-16 05:55 pm UTC (link)

"And that, right there, is the most confusing part. How many people have you ever known to care without wanting something in return or already being involved with them? Sure, I've had boyfriends who cared about TJ, not Thomas...okay, maybe one. But, friends? All of my friends fall into one of four categories: people who do drugs with me, people I occasionally fuck, people who want something from me, or people from whom I want something. The man who wants to help me, who has my back just because he actually believes in 'serve and protect' and considers friends to be people he can trust, doesn't fit into any of those. I mean, at that wedding, he said he wanted to see if there was something that could make me smile. A 'friend' doesn't say shit like that, right? But, that's what he calls it. Friendship...with a straight man who flirts as easily as breathing." TJ snorted. Oh yeah, that was going to work out really well.

When he was younger, TJ had actually done some reading on twins. He'd been at boarding school, missing his brother, and innocent enough, even still, to be curious about the chances of a real psychic link holding them together. He hadn't found any proof of that and he didn't believe in magic or miracles or love, -- Just keep telling yourself that, boy. -- but he did believe that no matter how far apart, he and his brother would find a way back to each other. Doug had been his other half since conception, basically. Things were never right when they tried to forget that. "Then I'll keep playing for you." The smile faded, as it always did, talking about their dad. "He probably did at that. You know, I used to wonder sometimes if he engineered my coming out to fix public perception after the affairs came out."

Sighing, he shook his head. "I don't know. I seem to be saying that a lot today. But, it's been awhile since I hit a real rough patch. It's been a little over a week since I last used? And I can feel that urge getting stronger every day. I know, it's all in my head, but, really, name any place more fucked up beyond all recognition than my head. I dare you. I don't have the faith in myself. I'm just putting off the bad day, right now. But, it's going to come, once the novelty of living like this wears off and it's just the boring monotony of little money, little sex, little fun, lots of training. It's going to come and I don't know if I'm strong enough."

TJ had to laugh. "Would you please tell Travis that? I trust too much. I'm curious what shade of yellow he might turn trying to reconcile that with the person he's sure is never going to trust anyone. Not even his own family, other than you." It hurt to hear Doug say he was glad it ended the way it did. But, TJ told himself politically, his brother was probably correct. And, Doug didn't know any of the things Sean had said. It was just that, emotionally, there'd been nothing left of TJ after that. "That's not what I blame her for...no, okay, I do blame her for not even trying to do something. But, it's more than that. It was a mistake to get involved, a mistake to trust him. I get that. Eventually, I'd get there. But, you weren't there when she told me. I was in love with him. I was in love, in love for the first time ever, and all she cared about was what the press would say, how quickly the family could be distanced from things. Not a word for the fact if I broke things off with him, I'd be breaking my own heart. He might have done that for her, but I couldn't and she didn't care."

Even when she talked about the suicide attempt, it was about how much better she was than Sean because she just happened to be there at the right time to find him. There was no sign she actually would have cared if he'd died. Probably be relieved she didn't have to deal with his mistakes. She and Dad could play the grieving parents and see what it did to their numbers in the fucking polls.

"I'm sorry," he murmured against Doug's shoulder as he hugged his brother back tightly. When Doug pulled away, TJ listened, but shook his head. "I don't even know who TJ is and he very clearly prefers woman, Dougie. It's not going to happen, whether I want it to or not, and I'm still undecided on if I'd rather want him or have him."

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doug_hammond
2012-10-16 07:27 pm UTC (link)

"A few... one... okay no one," he said, shaking his head. "I have less categories. The ones who want something from me, the ones who want to use me to get to mom and the ones who wanted to marry me so they could be part of this fucked up family." He chuckled. "He's way weird. Even if he wants to be your friend, suddenly he's worried about me. I don't know if it's this brother-in-law carried a little too far, or he's just insane. This was so crazy that even Doug couldn't come up with an explanation, but then TJ went on and Doug didn't need a valid reason anymore. "If he wants to see you smile, then he's all right with me, no matter how crazy he is."

Just as TJ said that he'd keep playing Doug stopped again. "He did not. He's fucked up, TJ, but he would never do that to you. He didn't need to," he added with a sigh. "The public was already eating out of his hand with the apologetic act and Mom standing by him. A gay son could have exploded in his face, take him out of the limelight inside the Democratic party. If you don't believe that he wouldn't do it because he's our father, then believe that he wouldn't have done it because it was too politically risky." And only in their family, politics could be more convincing than affection and love.

"If you aren't strong enough, then you find me. I might not be much better than you, but together, we'll make it through, right? It's why we're doing it together. It's nice to have crazy man to deal with the menial stuff, but it's me and you." Doug needed TJ as much as TJ needed him, even if his brother didn't see it. Neither of them was strong enough, but maybe if they pooled their strength together they would be.

Snorting, he shook his head. "I'm not talking to him more than I have to. I'm not the one who's crazy." Doug sighed when TJ talked about their mother. He might have a soft spot for her, but he also understood her more than TJ. "It wasn't about the press. well, yes, it was, but not the way you think. You think breaking your heart was bad? But what was the alternative? Keeping it hidden right? For how long? He was never going to come out, and you wouldn't have had the time to get there, because this was too big. You know you can only cover up for so long, especially when votes and seats are on the line. He's such a hard liner that the party was going to go after him with everything they'd got, and when it came out, what do you think would have happened? He'd have done his song and dance about being sorry, his wife would have smiled at the press conference, we would have heard about mistakes, seduction, temptation, sinning and how he's sin the light and the press would have crucified you. Forget about Mom. She wouldn't have been touched by this, but you? The comparisons to Dad would have made it so easy. The Republicans, fuck Fox would have made you their prime time special, proof that gay men can't be trusted, how they try to seduce God abiding citizen. I'm not discounting that it hurt, TJ. I know you and I know it must have been horrible, but the alternative would have been so much worse for you that I'm glad mom did what she did. Granted, she probably should have explained, but she wasn't wrong."

Doug patted TJ's cheek. "I know who TJ is and he's a wonderful person. Stop wondering and just ... be yourself. We've trusted him so far, trust him with that, and whatever happens happens."

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hammond_tj
2012-10-17 02:22 am UTC (link)

"Okay, so, at least I got out of having that last category." TJ smirked, failing at not laughing. Being the first openly gay son of a president did have a few advantages, he supposed. Not the least of which being most people still didn't think 'marriage' when getting involved, no matter how many states put new laws through to the contrary. At least not in his social circles. "Maybe he's just secretly smitten and loves what I love," he teased, knowing there was no way in hell that could be a serious reason. "You do realize the mere fact he says he wants to makes him crazy, right?"

The minuet faltered when Doug stopped playing, slipping into Moonlight Sonata again. "I didn't say I still wondered. It doesn't actually mattered to me much anymore. I'm out. It sucked at the time, but I don't regret it now. It's why I got so pissed off when that was all Mom could say over Sean. 'If you think coming out in the White House was tough...'" TJ sighed, continuing to play mostly because it was soothing. "I get the politics, Doug. I really do. But, that was the one time I needed her to acknowledge that it was about something more than politics. I needed her to at least recognize what I was feeling and she wouldn't or couldn't."

Either way, it didn't matter. As usual, she'd decided he needed protecting from his decisions and had barreled in deciding what he needed to do without any regard for his feelings on the matter.

"You know, you can say you know it must have been horrible. Why couldn't she? Instead of attacking Sean, why couldn't she even say that much? 'I know it's painful, but it's for the best', even. I'm not asking for her to go all mushy or some crap like that. Just...something."

He stopped playing and took a deep breath before turning back to look at his brother with a half-hearted smile. "You sure you're not as crazy as he is? 'Wonderful'? Really? Maybe we're both insane considering we're out here doing this," he added with a dry chuckle. "You and me against the world...or, at least Pittsburgh and my addictions...with a crazy cop to do the heavy lifting."

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doug_hammond
2012-10-17 02:40 am UTC (link)

Doug snorted. It was all so absurd, from the lack of friends to the insane cop. "I know, TJ. I get that, but I'm telling you, he doesn't sound like he's lying and yes he's an undercover cop, but I sat in the Situation Room. I know when people lie." Politics certainly taught you how to read people, or maybe you succeeded in politics if you knew how to read people.

He put an arm around TJ's waist, watching his fingers over over the keys. "I'm sure she didn't handle it right. Mom panics when you're involved. She starts thinking about things that need to be done and doesn't remember that you're not following her, because it's not what you do. She also wants to protect you. You go missing an hour and I get a phone call. We don't see you for half a day, and every discussion starts with 'have you spoken with your brother'. You know between her and Nana, I'm not sure who cares less if I'm around. I'm only a way to get to you." It didn't even matter how much he tried. It was always about TJ and what he needed.

Dough shrugged. "I'm here, in Pittsburgh, with no money, no job. I can't be that sane." He smiled back. "Yeah, that sounds about right."

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hammond_tj
2012-10-17 03:34 am UTC (link)

"Doug, that's because if I disappear for an hour, the assumption is I'm doing something that she'll have to clean up. Not because she's worried about me. Listen to me." Staying close so as not to break free of the hold Doug had around his waist, TJ turned a little more until he could frame his brother's face with his hands. "You're the glue of this family, you know that? Without you we'd all be lost. Mom, Nana, especially me. If you want proof of that, you're here. I could walk away from them without a backward glance. But, I couldn't do this without you." He leaned his forehead against Doug's. "It's my fault. You're the good son, the one who they don't have to worry about what stupid things you're going to do next. I'm always fucking up and needing to be saved. And it's safe to take their attention off you because they trust you. They're never going to be as proud of me as they are of you. Look at their arguments for why we should have stayed. For you, it was all about the things you could accomplish, how much they needed you there to help. I just needed their protection because I can't do this on my own.

"And, Mom doesn't do emotions. If she did, she'd admit to herself, let alone us, that she's still in love with Dad. But, instead she plays these little political games with him. But, you and she have a bond, too. You get each other in ways the rest of us don't. Even me. I may be your twin and I may think I know you better than anyone else. But, I think there are parts of you she'll always understand better. think about it. If politics are our family's way of showing affection, could she have any greater affection than to have made you Chief of Staff at State? She didn't have to do that. Being her son doesn't mean you automatically get a huge role in her political life. She chose you, though, little brother. She chose you to be her right hand, she trusts you that much. And not one of us really trusts easily...okay, except maybe for me, at least according to you."

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doug_hammond
2012-10-17 03:45 am UTC (link)

"Bull. She is worried, and not because we need to clean up after you. She is worried for you and that's why we clean up after you. I know you can't tell the difference, but it's there." Doug smiled a little, while he closed his eyes as they sat there, foreheads pressed together. "I never doubted that you care and it's not your fault. They are the way they are." He wasn't going to argue with TJ about who got more attention and why. He wasn't going to bring up how easily their mother had turned on him for his mistakes.

"I was Chief of Staff, because it usually goes to the person running the campaign and her campaign manager went to work for Garcetti. I was the next one in line, and she doesn't trust anyone." He snorted. "You know, I always thought that if she could have done it, she would have taken Dad with her, despite the fact that they weren't talking."

He pulled back and looked at his brother. "We're on fucked up family. Travis isn't that insane compared to us." He patted TJ's leg. "Come on, enough of this. Let's make some food we can have. You can even impressed your fake boyfriend and leave him something for when he comes home."

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