Savannah Monroe (![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} savannah_monroe) wrote in ![[info]](https://www.insanejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small} omega_reality, |
Savannah nodded. "I know what you think. I know what a lot of people think, which is why I don't want to talk to them." She squeezed his hand. "I don't know if there's anything to find. I don't think there is. It was like when I transferred school. It was my choice; it was what I wanted, but I also knew that it meant saying goodbye to my parents and sister. It was hard, but it was something that I had to do. This is the same... well, not the same. My parents were wrong, God isn't. I mean I know I"m doing something that's wrong, something that's horrible. I'm a murderer and I don't care. That's the worse part. I don't care that I'm a murderer."
She stepped closer and put a hand around him, resting her cheek against his chest. "I don't want help. I don't deserve help. I'm a horrible, horrible person and I'm getting ready to raise a child who's damned from birth. I am dooming my own child, G. What is there to say to that? Marty said that I'm not talking about this child or our family anymore, that I'm not excited about the nursery, but how can I have a family? It's bad enough that I'm doing this to one child. I could never do it to other children. And, there's nothing to be excited about. I was supposed to go for my sonogram soon, make sure that the baby is all right. We have no way of knowing if he or she is, and I was trying to find ways to get the sonogram, but then while I was out there, walking around, it occurred to me that maybe it's better this way. I won't know if there's something wrong and we won't do anything to make sure the pregnancy is viable anymore, and if the fetus is no longer viable, maybe I can spare a child from this life. How am I supposed to tell my husband that I pray that I miscarry so that my child doesn't go to hell? He doesn't believe, he doesn't understand. It's justified, he tells me like legal differences matter to God. I can't tell him any of that."
Savannah looked up at G. "He wants the old Savannah back, but that person can't exist anymore. I love him so much, but he married someone else, someone who believed she was a good person, a person who would strive to lead a righteous life because it mattered. I just want to get back into training so I can become even better."