not so ancient.

FROM KOMO NEWS, SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

"... partly cloudy with sunny spells and a high of fifty-five degrees with temperatures dropping into the low forties overnight. Please be advised that with the nights drawing in and the ongoing chaos we are advising you to stay indoors and off the roads. Back to the s-- what? There’s what behind me? Is that a waffle? I-- No keep rolling. Uh, it appears to be raining food..."

“...reports of domestic disturbance in downtown Seattle today. Local high school student Jeremy Hills has reported a disturbing and violent change in his stepfather—more shockingly, he states that it seems to be in accordance with the recent string of 'zombie' attacks...”

“...have Trisha Takanawa in the field with Lupe Moreno, a local bar owner, who reports seeing someone with fangs and an apparent taste for blood in her bar. According to Ms. Moreno, the man was trying to warn them of something called a 'vampanese'...”

“...the feud between local carpenter Todd Woods and engineer Harry Busman, employees of Titan Construction Company known for their competitive animosity, reached new heights today, when the men came to blows on site. Busman reportedly followed up the fight by telling his team to craft him a pair of wings...”

“...dance students taking to the streets in song...”

“...in lighter news, a Michael Jackson impersonator is holding an impromptu concert at the Paramount Theatre...”

“...an interview today with a man calling himself a 'zombie hunter,' giving our viewing audience a few tips on how to deal with the new faux human menace. The man, who goes by only Puget Sound, says it's his mission in life to kill zombies and find the last twinkie. One wonders if he's gone to too many Zombieland screenings--although with the current climate, who could blame him..."