I know it is one of, if not the most magnificent things I've ever done, it doesn't happen often that I impress Reed and the adulation of my peers is really what life is about, but I have difficulty being excited about it like any other project. I work on it because I have to, because it's something I have to keep alive now. But I am always aware of what it is really for, and every second I am thinking about it I have to be wondering...I hate looking at myself in the mirror, and this whole damn place is a mirror.
When I can get out of that, for a second, and life is happening, and something is going well, I know that everything happens in cycles, and eventually what the Sphere is now will be obsolete. I don't really want to go back to Earth, that feels like a step back. I hope the Sphere evolves.
I thought when I got out here, when I finally saw space and touched stars, that I would never stop. I hate this place.
It's not finished yet, and I don't think it ever will be. Not because we can't, sure, lock the blueprints down and set a goal, but I don't think anyone could ever want to. Just being at the edge feels like eternity--not in the suffocating, existential way; not like I'm going to live forever. Eternity of possibility. Nothing feels better than that.
I think it is very easy to pretend time stopped and not care anymore. Too easy.