I don't think there's just one. It's like how people talk about their children, you don't love them more, or less, you love them with everything you have. You don't lose or diminish the love you had by loving someone else. Love doesn't work like that.
Peggy was the first person I loved. It was...innocent, and probably a little naive on both our parts. If things had ended differently...I don't think we would have stayed together. She was happier with how her life turned out, as much as both of us like to wonder what might have been. I was never going to be able to return to that life.
Sharon was so much like Peggy, and even from the start I knew loving her was selfish. It never felt right, but it was familiar, and in the world where nothing was what I remembered I needed it. She was always more invested in it than I was. She asked me to marry her.
And he- well- that one's just complicated. I never really understood how I felt about him, but whatever I felt it was strong. I'm not sure if I'm bisexual, or if it's just him. It's not- it's not something I ever really considered before. It was different, when I was growing up, you didn't talk about it. It certainly wasn't presented as something where you could settle down. Things are different now. It was so gradual and at the same time all at once. I worry about him though. I worry that he'll pull away, or hide. I worry that it's been years and he's- we're- still hiding this. I'm not ashamed of it. But I want to protect him.
I'm worried that neither of us are ready to really settle down.