Tony really did mean to be prepared. Pepper put notes on his schedule and everything that he checked off whenever he had the time to read them. Shit happened. If he had the capacity to tell anyone what kind of shit specifically, he was sure they would be very forgiving and not mind at all that when the ring of his spoon on his woefully undervinous glass gathered the attention of all of the beautiful, young people, Tony started off with a long, "Um..." Not nearly his usual eloquence, but he recovered with a rub at his brow and a swift kick of his own metaphorical ass, because why the hell should they forgive him? It was their wedding, it only happened once (usually), he always had some kind of excuse for being a jackass. "You all know me," seemed like a good place to start, "kind of hard to avoid, but if you've been living under a rock I'm Tony Stark and the best man here, despite all odds, so now we're going to get to know each other real well. Believe me, you're lucky. The first time I met Pietro, I punched him in the face, I'm pretty sure. Broke something, probably. If you didn't know him then, he was almost pretty, like, girl-pretty, like, uncomfortable horror movie pretty. Like, picture Wanda, but during her college lesbian phase. Point is, I smashed his face a few times and Wicked still sees past that, so this is already starting out strong. It's what's on the inside. His insides, by the way: gorgeous work, the creator deserves at least, like, ten minutes with that bridesmaid. Just to talk. Hi, sweetheart, we haven't met, have we?" Smouldering at Kitty just long enough to get the laugh he wanted, Tony cleared his throat and regrouped, smoothing down his tie and trying to pluck something as tasteful as the frou-frou trees out of thin air. That didn't come naturally. "You know, this is the second time I've done this and I, still, all I want to talk about is Wicked's assets," he admitted, looking, at least, disappointed in himself. "I've climbed mountains less generous than those, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to work around what we all know is the real reason we're all here today, but, um-- and I don't know about Pietro-- but I've actually talked to her, too, and let me tell you-- it's really hard, they're really distracting. Like, gravitational pull. No, listen, some people have everything and every opportunity and turn out like complete assholes and then there's Wicked who I'm pretty sure isn't even from this plane of reality but has such an incredible light of goodness and joy and affection-- like, under all of that eyeliner and for all of the crap that the rest of us want nothing to do with. It would be so easy to hate her if she was in any way aware of it, not one of you would be here right now, it would be intolerable. You know what I'm talking about. So--so, anyway, here's the thing:
"I'm honoured to know both of you. Wicked can surprise me every day and Pietro insists on doing the opposite, and now that you're both in the same place you make all of us a little more well rounded. We all thank you for letting us be part of this, and believe, absolutely, that we'll all be here again to celebrate this day in eighty years. Because Wicked can do that. To Pietro and Wicked and the really wild sex we all know you have."