FML.
I have some kind of spyware/mallware BS on my laptop that I can't get rid of. It blue screened me and at this point is blocking everything I could possibly use to get rid of it. Obviously I have another computer, but that's where most of my data is so I'm understandably stressed about the potential loss of.. everything.
Hopefully it'll get fixed tonight, but I know for certain it won't be fixed in time for the group chat. I'll keep you guys updated if it looks like I'm going to be offline/out of play for an extended period.
ETA: It looks like I've fixed the problem. I didn't even have to reformat, yay!