Savannah James (savannahjames) wrote in oblivionrp, @ 2009-04-09 22:33:00 |
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Entry tags: | savannah |
Alone and Miserable
Who: Savannah (solo)
Where: All over
When: 2 AM - Dawn
Savannah fell backwards against the hallway, as much from grief as from hurt. There were those who would say she had no right to feel the way she did, that it was unfair of her to expect that someone would be there to take her in at 2:00 AM. But there wasn't one person on this ship that gave a damn about her, and that much was crystal clear to her.
Since parting from Pyrrhus, Savannah's time had been spent alone. She had spent some time in her suite, swept away by a feeling of deja vu that would simply not go away. The moment she had stepped inside, she had known that Samantha and Jesse were gone, that their return seemed hopeless, but she couldn't remember why. The door to Jesse's suite was shut and locked, and that felt wrong to her somehow. Once showered and dressed, she had left, wanting to be away from the chills crawling up her spine.
The important part was that in all that time, no one had come looking for her. No one had checked to see how she was doing or whether her siblings were okay. And that stung her.
When night had fallen, Savannah had slipped from her bedroom and knocked on CJ's door. There had been no answer, and, for a long thirty minutes, she had had no idea what to do. She had been certain he would be there, awaiting her arrival and ready to take her in for the night. She had thought that CJ cared about her. She'd known it was mostly physical, but there had been something inside her which believed it could be something more. He had taken such good care of her after the accident, doing his best to reassure her and patch her up. And Savannah had thought that it counted for something.
At last, she had tried Molly's room, then Lisa's. There was no answer at either door. It was as though she were the only person left on the entire ship. The one door she didn't try -- absolutely refused to try -- was Pyrrhus. If their encounter that afternoon were any indication, he wasn't accustomed to renting his couch out to homeless strangers...at least not for nothing. While their meeting earlier that afternoon had been enjoyable, that sort of encounter wasn't what she needed. What she needed was CJ and the way he made her feel with his casual compliments.
And now she had nowhere to go.
Loneliness crushed her from all sides. She had spent the afternoon crying, but this tore the sobs from her once more. They weren't loud; she cried quietly, body shaking with each sob and tears spilling down onto her top. As Savannah did with everything, she took this personally. Her sister and brother's disappearance had stirred up guilt -- it was her fault they were here, and she should have been with them. That no one was lining up to take care of her spoke volumes to Savannah. There was always someone or something more important than Savannah...and, tonight of all nights, that fact was abundantly clear. She meant nothing to them.
Tearfully, Savannah aimlessly began to wander. Her own room was haunted -- not literally, mind you. Savannah didn't believe in ghosts and goblins. It was as though she could feel Samantha there still, watching Savannah and accusing her of abandoning her. Jesse was there too, echoing all of those terrible thoughts she had said during their fight, their last interaction.
Somehow, she found herself on deck. She had ghosted up here, unaware of her steps, as she had done so much of the day. Whether it was the concussion or her grief, Savannah's brain was scattered, and she couldn't seem to keep track of even herself. A soft, warm breeze blew, tickling her skin as it slid over her bare arms and legs. The stars above were beautiful and unfamiliar to Savannah. She was a city girl, and the only stars she knew were those in Hollywood.
What a waste of life she was. It should have been she who had vanished, not Samantha. Samantha had been brilliant and pretty in that shy, natural way of hers. She could have done anything with her life and been successful. Savannah was none of those things, she knew. She was as stupid as a cow, and, without make-up, she probably resembled one too. She was nothing without her sister, without others...
Now, there was no one.
Savannah closed her eyes and leaned out over the rails. It was a precarious position, balanced on her one, good leg with her arms tightly clasping the slick, metal bars as she tested how far she could lean without falling. She wondered what it would be like to hit the water so far below. It would hurt, she thought, like a belly-flop, but so much worse from such a distance. The fall would knock the air out of her lungs, making it impossible for her to breathe or cry out. If she was lucky, it would knock her unconscious, and she would never know that she was drowning. To feel the world slip away, how would that feel? Would it hurt to feel your lungs filled with water, and how frightening would it be to watch the sky overhead turn black as the light faded from your eyes?
Her hands loosened their hold on the railing. Everything would be so still. And she didn't deserve Heaven, but she wanted to believe she would make it there. She wanted to see Samantha again and apologize for leaving her, see Jesse again and apologize for that terrible fight... She didn't want to be alone.
For a long time, she remained that way, frozen, hanging out over the edge of the ship. Then, eventually, she pulled herself back so forcefully it sent her careening backwards onto the deck. She couldn't bring herself to do it, to throw herself into oblivion, which is what she deserved. She was so useless, such a coward, she couldn't even do that properly...
The morning sun rose, shining its warming rays down onto the sleeping girl. Mentally and physically exhausted, the night had made quick work of Savannah. She lay on her side, body curled into some semblance of a ball, with her chest rising and falling with steady breaths. As the sun's light fell across her face, her eyes opened warily.
A look around herself confirmed that she had survived the night. Such a pity.