fawkesbravado (fawkesbravado) wrote in obliviaterpg, @ 2019-09-21 19:55:00 |
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Entry tags: | lee jordan |
The Daily Patronus - Broadcast
[Radios all over the Wizarding world began to cut out and replaced by the muggle song 'Sweet Dreams' by Eurythmics before eventually fading out to the voice of 'River']
"Welcome to a very special episode of The Daily Patronus! Before I get to our biggest news stories of the day, let me say first and foremost this particular broadcast is dedicated to our illustrious leaders in the Ministry. Lord No-Nose, the Lestrange Smells, and all of our favorite Artists Formerly Known as Death Eaters. It's hard living the glory days isn't it, guys?"
"First and foremost, let's talk about those Lestranges. So the big, scary, and crazy Lestranges must be out of practice. Because, like the Malfoys, they can't keep hold of any of their kidnapees apparently. Let them escape right from under their noses. What's wrong Bellatrix? The crazy give you some blind spots? I'm beginning to think the Lestranges are just name alone, I mean they're kind of like those Muggle movie villains who constantly bluster about how scary they are, how smart they are, act all dangerous but ALWAYS lose. It's actually a bit sad--did you guys need some villain 101 material? Borrow it from the Malfoys, they're clearly not reading it. It's nice to see Draco takes after daddy and is all name alone and no substance. At least Narcissa goes out of her way to try and pretend to be a good person with her 'charity' events or whatever they are. Is that where she goes to drink goblets of wine to forget her family name? I think Pansy's starting to fall in the same boat. Poor Parkinson. You picked the wrong house didn't you?
But let's be fair, this all falls on the head of the hairless cat himself, Dark Lord Noseless. He's your true leader and he already lost once. I mean, Merlin, try and try again am I right? Well, turns out when he's your leader, you can't seem to accomplish anything you set out to do. He couldn't kill a baby, the Lestranges can't keep their prisoners... oh and... together? They can't kill Harry Potter.
BUT WAIT, RIVER, HE'S DEAD REMEMBER?! Ah, but you see fearless listener, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived is now the Boy Who Lives. He's NOT dead. They have failed to kill him again. AGAIN. You hear that, you pale, white, skinless sausage? You and your Death Eaters can burn and maim and explode everything in front of you, you can unleash every unforgivable curse you could ever want, but you'll never win. You can't. It's why you fail so many times, again and again and again. It's why I'm still doing this broadcast, because you REALLY suck at your jobs. You're all fear and no achievable goal.
If you're listening to this, if you needed something to give you strength. Know that he failed again. The Death Eaters may loom, but they once again failed. If you see a Death Eater this week, maybe give them a hug? Because they really could use one, they're feeling a bit down on themselves."
[Broadcast fades out to "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship]