Loki (fiorvalr) wrote in noexits, @ 2022-03-18 21:03:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread/narrative, marvel (tv/movies): loki laufeyson, ₴ inactive: mobius m. mobius 2, → week 033 (freaky friday) |
FREAKY FRIDAY | DAY 1
Mobius had a change of clothes now too, since she was borrowing some from Loki - her whole wardrobe, really, whatever was picked up during that jaunt to 1980s New York where fashion meccas like Milan and Paris were accessible via portal. But right now she wasn’t wearing anything, having sank into the comfort of the bath and busy watching the way the steam rose like they were percolating in a volcanic crater; been awhile since Mobius could recall having a shared bath, anyway - actually, there was no recollection of that at all. But first time for everything? Second, third, etc and so forth ‘first times’?
“Come here,” she murmured, eager to swim closer and basically perch in Loki’s lap. Being smaller and compact had its advantages.
Some of the other Derleth residents had set up makeshift curtains and separators for the various tubs, but Loki wasn’t concerned with such things. If someone were to wander in—and if Mobius wanted the privacy—then he would magically construct a screen for them. But until that moment arised, he saw no need to busy himself with anything other than what was before him. And he had busied himself with that quite a lot over the last hour. Even Loki, with his perpetual libido, had been due for a break by the time they’d finished their third—fourth?—act of lovemaking. Needless to say, he might need a second breakfast before lunch.
He shed his clothes quickly, allowing them to fall to the floor, and then carefully climbed into the tub. He let Mobius decide the positioning, because while the tubs were long enough to accommodate the both of them, they weren’t as spacious as Loki would have liked. But they would do.
And of course she would pick the perfect position to both taunt and tempt him. Loki shifted a bit so she wasn’t sitting exactly on top of that part of him. But higher up on his hips. Otherwise this bath wasn’t going to be much of a bath. At least, not of the cleaning variety.
He placed his hands on her waist, watching as the water waved against her abdomen with each subtle movement. He tilted his head to the side and observed along her rib cage and the start of her back. “Your freckles are all in the same spot.”
Not that there were many. But Loki had kept track.
“We’re going to have to take a short interlude during lunch. I…” Loki laughed. “...foolishly promised some of the kids I would make them pancakes.”
That sounded incredibly ridiculous when he said it out loud. Absurd, as well. Maybe even a tad suspicious. The God of Mischief making lunch for the children? Maybe there was more to that headache than he’d let on.
“But afterwards, you will have me for the rest of the day. To do with whatever you wish.”
“You did what?” Mobius chuckled, facing Loki, wanting to look at him - she managed to straddle his hips and if she brushed against him, then so be it. She’d had a lot of fun with that sausage and she intended to again - maybe not in the tub, per se, but elsewhere. Later. After pancakes, apparently. “...why did you promise that, exactly? I’m not judging. Just curious.”
It was nice to see Loki involved and wanting to be, especially in ways that didn’t have to do with ruling a kingdom necessarily - at first Mobius thought that he may have received memories from his other variant, the one Mobius had known before and went through it all with, up to standing on the edge of another Time War. The one that had moved past that particular desire, hence the headache - but this seemed like a whole other thing.
Loki threw his head back over the lip of the tub and gave a small laugh when Mobius asked him to explain. To be honest, Loki didn’t know what he’d been thinking at the time. In afterthought, it felt like he might have been tricked into it. Although Peter didn’t seem like the trickster type. But those were always the best tricksters, right? The ones who didn’t look so obvious.
“It started with the spider-boy wanting to know about Asgardian magic. He wanted to understand how it worked. Since, as you are probably well aware, Asgardian magic is a combination of magic and technology. They’re interconnected on Asgard. I offered to give him a crash course and somehow that turned into me making banana pancakes for a small group of teenagers.” Loki tucked his hair behind his ears and looked back up at Mobius. “But I think I can use the batter to explain the Bifrost and inter-realm transportation.”
As to why he was doing it, Loki didn’t know. He would never admit it to the kids, but he felt a strange responsibility to ensure that the younger people at Derleth weren’t forgotten. That they knew they belonged. That they had a purpose. Loki knew all too well the keen sting of being alone among a lot of people. And most of the kids in Derleth had already experienced immense trauma before arriving. The least he could do—the least anyone could do—was make sure they felt safe and important.
Perhaps if Loki had felt more useful as a boy he would have turned out differently. Perhaps then he wouldn’t be here.
Loki traced his finger around her navel. “I know I’m the last person anyone should consider as a role model. I am a mess. I have very few endearing qualities. I recognize that. And, least of all, I’m a villain. I’ve probably killed more people than everyone else here combined…”
He sighed. “And I don’t know why the kids even pay attention to me, but I worry that they’ll get lost in the shuffle of everything else.”
Loki shrugged. “Children should be allowed to be children while they can. They should have some measure of happiness before they realize how horrible life is.”
Mobius hummed in agreement - there was a fond look on her face, however, as she draped her arms around Loki’s neck and wiggled a little in his lap. “Using batter to explain the Bifrost - that’s a new one,” she grinned, voice husky but tinged with amusement. “I think it’s nice, that you want to connect with them.” Mobius had talked to a couple of the younger ones, but had mostly connected with Eliot - who wasn’t young, per se, but he seemed to not really have any parental figure in his life who supported him. At any age, having that was appreciated.
“Do you want kids?” she asked suddenly, leaning in and nibbling at Loki’s neck - being pressed to him like this, chest to chest, was also a different sensation but Mobius felt warm with it, heated, and it had nothing to do with breathing in the steam or the temperature of the water. “I mean, someday. In theory. If it were possible.”
It likely wasn’t, not here - not with being trapped in an inescapable timeloop. They’d have to break out of it first and even then - maybe Loki didn’t want that. Mobius could go either way - he thought he’d make a pretty good dad. But if it didn’t turn out that way, that was fine too.
“Well, you see, the Bifrost exists as a—”
Then Mobius leaned in closer and Loki realized she wasn’t actually looking for an explanation. He slipped his arms around her waist, fingers running along the small of her back, feeling downward over that delicate curve that she didn’t usually have. Not quite as accentuated, that is. She leaned in closer. Chest to chest. A bead of sweat from the heat of the water slid down the side of his face. Her mouth came close and he thought about sneaking in for a kiss when she took him completely off guard with her question.
“What?” Loki blinked. Did she just ask him if he wanted children? Wasn’t that type of question supposed to come further down the relationship pipeline?
Mobius nipped around his neck and Loki shifted again to avoid slipping under the water.
The technical answer? He already had children. An eight-legged horse. A giant snake. Mother of monsters. But he knew that’s not the answer Mobius was looking for.
“I’m not parental material.” Which, of course, was not an answer to the question at all. “Why? Do you want children?”
“I hadn’t thought about it much before,” Mobius admitted. “But - yeah, I think so. I could see myself as a parent. And what do you mean you’re not parenting material?” She quirked an eyebrow. “From what you just said, and just - I know you. You’d be good parenting material. Not perfect, sure, but no one is.”
They all made mistakes in that role - everyone did. But the important thing was that you faced the problems and understood that there would be solutions. That you did the best you could, with whatever circumstances there were - and most importantly, you didn’t give up.
She interrupted her pep talk about Lok’s potential parenting skills to kiss him, lips shaping around his and letting that kiss go on until sparks danced like stars bound for Earth in her line of vision, then she opened her eyes. “But do you want kids?” Because yes, she’d noticed he hadn’t exactly answered.
Loki disagreed. Loki looked at himself and saw a thousand years of selfishness, ego, narcissism, violence. He didn’t see the characteristics necessary to be a good parent. He didn’t see unconditional love or compassion or protection. When he looked inward he saw a man who’d been failed by two fathers only to go on and become even worse than them both. Odin, for all of his poor decisions, never took out his anger on helpless Midgardians. Laufey never joined a Mad Titan for power at the expense of billions of innocent lives. There was nothing in his history—that Loki could see—which would qualify him for parenthood.
And if Mobius saw something then he was blinded by love.
“You don’t have to say that, Mobius. I can look at myself critically without being offended. You would be a fantastic parent. Absolutely. Without a doubt. Hel, with your patience and forgiving nature you probably are one. I’d bet money on it. But me?” Loki was about to drift into his own thoughts when Mobius kissed him. A smooth wet kiss from unfamiliar lips. The touch was different. The sensation of her skin. The size of her mouth. But it was still a Mobius kiss. And she still tasted the same. A taste that left a churning sensation in his lower abdomen and a tickle that traveled down between his legs.
If she was trying to distract him. It was working.
But eventually he’d have to answer her question. Because Loki had made that promise to Mobius last week. A promise to be more open and to be honest about his feelings. Even on topics that left him uncomfortable.
“When I was younger I assumed I would. I assumed I’d get married, have children, and fulfill my royal obligations. That’s what was expected of me. That’s what I’d prepared for. I didn’t really spend much time thinking about who it would be with or whether I wanted it. I figured my parents would eventually arrange something for me and it would be settled.” Then Loki learned he wasn’t Asgardian and that changed everything. “Having children is the biggest responsibility anyone can undertake. You have to be willing to put someone else ahead of you forever. And I’m selfish. I’ve always put myself first. I’ve never shown an ounce of the kind of selflessness a good parent has.”
Also, he was dead. He couldn’t have children in his universe.
And the time loops in Derleth wouldn’t allow it. And even if they did, would it be fair? What if he disappeared and left his child alone in this pocket universe? The idea sent a horrified shiver down his spine.
“I don’t know. I feel like that’s a question that can only be answered after a person has achieved complete satisfaction in their life. After they’ve found their happiness. Do I want kids? I don’t know. I’m not there yet. But if I woke up tomorrow and had one?” Loki kissed her again. “I suppose I’d do my best.”
“I know I don’t have to say it - and I think we can both look at each other critically,” Mobius laughed a little - it was true though. Seeing your partner’s flaws, seeing it all when the dust settled and the rose-colored glasses unfogged, and decided that what you had was still worth working on? That was important. There seemed to be a lot of important thresholds they were crossing too (and Loki was also wearing that ring, which invoked its own sort of fuzzy feelings) and they were doing it at their own pace. For being two people caught in a dangerous situation, an unstable situation, they were making it work pretty nicely even if it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. It couldn’t be. Not with where they were and who they were.
Being comfortable with certain life decisions was important too - and, in theory, they would both have to be on the same page about children. It was good to know where those stances were. “You’d do your best,” she echoed, adding another kiss, wet fingertips stroking up the back of Loki’s neck and into his hair. “So would I. But no decisions are necessary right now - I was just curious. Fun to talk about these things sometimes.”
Was she turning into a prune yet? She wiggled in Loki’s lap, kissing the sharp edge of his jawline and placing little kisses beneath his ear and down the side of his neck. “Jeg elsker deg.” It was fun to say as well, hearing it in this voice.
Was it fun?
Loki looked at her seriously then. There was even a bit of concern in his gaze. Why? Because in Loki’s mind there was no decision at all. Short of adopting one of the abandoned sixteen-year-olds (and truthfully they were all practically adults anyway in Loki’s mind,) it would be impossible for them to have children. Maybe Mobius could after he returned to his timeline. But Loki? There was no hope for Loki. No magical happily ever after at the end of a rainbow. Loki was dead in his universe. Derleth was the only thing keeping him alive. If he even truly was alive. Entertaining the notion that he might one day be a father or a mother—
It was a fool’s errand. It was futile and absurd. If wishes were horses, right? Forget whether he wanted it or not, this was something he could never have. And Loki found it a dangerous conversation to dwell on. Because he knew all too well the perils of wanting something that would never be.
And he did think Mobius was blind to the truth. Nobody like Loki should have been entrusted to care for and raise a child. Nobody like Loki should be trusted. Period.
He was glad when the conversation was dropped. But the feeling it gave him still clouded his thoughts while her long fingers ran through his hair and her mouth traveled along his jaw. The sensation of her nails against his scalp shot tiny firecrackers beneath his skin, down his back and beneath the water.
Jeg elsker deg. The sound of her voice tumbled in his brain. Mobius but not Mobius but inexplicably Mobius.
What about Loki? Did he feel that way? Was that what this constricting force in his chest was? This radiating vertigo that had him questioning every day whether his feet were on the ground? Or was that something else? Was that just Loki finally getting real attention and affection from someone?
“I did something,” he said while she kissed his ear. “Something stupid. Something that will upset you. But it’s something I’d rather you hear from me before anyone else.”
Mobius nuzzled at Loki’s face - the nose was still as crooked as ever, because that was something that was distinctly Mobius (and apparently all variants of him were going to have broken that nose at some point in their life as well, perhaps even multiple times) and she didn’t make any effort to move away yet. Though she did pull back a little, just to look at him - so she could meet his gaze, the pale blue in the shade of clear glass marbles sweeping over the edges and ice of his features. Perfect. Like carved from marble.
“Tell me,” she gently insisted, even if she felt her heart rate pick up a little. Whatever it was must be a big deal - so Mobius would brace herself, even if she wouldn’t like the response.
Most likely wouldn’t. But, well - at least he was telling Mobius? That had to count for something.
Loki hadn’t intended on telling Mobius. And, honestly, if they hadn’t had that one particular discussion last week about the status of their relationship, then he wouldn’t have even thought twice about telling Mobius. But now that Loki remembered, now that he could clearly recall what he’d done, he realized that it wouldn’t take much for someone else to figure it out. Or for someone else to slip. And if Mobius heard about it from an outside source, well, that would probably lead to an argument.
And while naked in a bathtub probably wasn’t the best choice of times to tell your partner that you fucked up, it was better than nothing.
Right?
Telling the truth was better than nothing, wasn’t it?
Well, Loki was about to find out.
He cleared his throat with a cough and turned his attention upwards. She could have changed her entire appearance and Loki would have still recognized those eyes. That stare. The kind of look only someone who knew a person better than themselves could have. And Mobius did know Loki better than himself. He’d known Loki for centuries. Seen his frailties and his faults. In truth, there shouldn’t have been a reason to fear telling Mobius anything. Mobius already knew the worst things about him. How bad could it be?
“I tampered with my memory.” Loki drew his fingers over her arm, tracing an outline from her shoulder down to her elbow. “When we were in Schmigadoon. I cast a spell to make myself forget a few things that happened in Derleth. And I did the spell in a way that I wouldn’t remember casting the spell in the first place.”
He paused. Alright, so there was a little bit of white lie in there. But Loki felt leaving Julia out of the explanation was the right thing to do, all things considered. “And when I connected with my variant that memory barrier was broken…”
What?
Again - what?
Mobius froze. Just completely solid - unblinking, unmoving, muscles tensed and coiled. She had to hold herself that way, because if she snapped she’d end up exploding - and the wreckage would not be pretty. But there were these few moments that were ringing - the tension hung in the air like smoke from a pyre, weights made of iron, while she gathered her thoughts and cobbled together what she even wanted to say to that
“You tampered with your memory,” Mobius repeated, voice clipped - and oh, there the weights dropped. Just - dropped. “You tampered with your memory after having a whole conversation with me about how you couldn’t help me look for my own lost life? The one the TVA stole from me for a thousand years, the one they intended to keep me away from for literally an eternity? That you needed to think about it because memory magic was dangerous? After that, you did the same shit to yourself?”
If he had known Julia did it to him, Mobius might be less upset. That burden was on her, for not seeing reason and just going along with Loki’s dumbass idea - but right now, Mobius was convinced it was all Loki’s doing.
She pushed back away from him, putting space between them in the tub. “Why? Why, Loki? What was so goddamn awful that you felt like you needed to erase it? Don’t lie to me or give me half-truths either. I want to know what it was.”
Mobius had a good point. Several good points, in fact. There was absolutely nothing flawed in her logic. All of the irrational, reckless behavior was on Loki’s end. He could see that now. Technically he could see it then, too, but he’d also been overwhelmed by emotions. Emotions that made him feel small, weak, vulnerable. Emotions he didn’t know how to deal with at the time. Experiences he didn’t know how to share.
Even now bringing up the events that led to his ridiculous decision wasn’t easy. These were things he didn’t want to talk about.
He’d spent an entire week lying on Natasha’s floor to avoid talking about this. To avoid being seen.
And Loki couldn’t blame Mobius for being angry. He supposed that, were the circumstances reversed, he would have been angry too. But their relationship had been different then. And Loki thought it was the right thing to do at the time. It was the thing he needed to do in order to move on.
Because far be it for him to actually face his trauma head on.
“Memory magic is dangerous. I would never do it on somebody else if I didn’t think I could control it. If I didn’t think I could do it safely. And, to be honest, I didn’t know if it would work at all. With the resets.” But that was just avoidance of the actual truth behind it all. Mobius didn’t need to hear that Loki was a hypocrite. She knew Loki was. She needed to hear why he was a hypocrite. She needed to know what could have pushed him over the edge.
Loki gave a deep sigh when Mobius pushed herself back to the other side of the tub.
“Fandral.” Loki looked down into the water, embarrassed. Ashamed. “Well, partly Fandral. I died once in Derleth. It was particularly traumatic even for death. And I needed space to myself. Fandral had very strong feelings towards me and … Didn’t respect my wishes to be left alone. He didn’t do anything, exactly. Not like that. But I felt that his actions were a violation of the trust we had. Of our friendship. When you arrived shortly after another version of you had disappeared, I realized that he might come back. A different version of him. And I didn’t know how to deal with that. I didn’t know how to separate my feelings of betrayal. And I just thought it would be easier to forget.”
Loki paused. “Easier for me. Easier for everyone else. I was really angry. There have been many moments here when I’ve been so angry that I’ve nearly done something horrible. That’s why Doctor Strange is always watching me, I imagine. He’s waiting for me to crack. I thought by changing my memories I would stave off the cracking…”
Oh, right, sure. Strange was worried Loki was going to do something horrible, that’s why he took any opportunity he could snatch to get Loki without a shirt on or otherwise nude - whatever bullshit was being sold there, Mobius wasn’t buying it. However, this wasn’t about that.
This was about how Loki had fucked with his own head because of a bad breakup. Mobius could scarcely believe what she was hearing. She blinked, a look of surprise - and a little hurt - in cottony blue eyes, but she couldn’t help the bit of pain that was reflected there. Because this was one hell of a sensitive subject for Mobius - messing with someone’s head was a non-starter for her, considering what the TVA had done. That damage was going to take awhile to sort through, to pick through the debris and traverse the landmines - it would need to be done slowly and carefully so in that regard, yes, Loki was right to want to be careful.
But knowing that he’d just - done it to himself. For such cowardly reasons? Something that felt like being pruned did, for Mobius? Just ripped apart at the molecular level, whenever he considered he had a whole life he didn’t know about and everything he’d been brainwashed into being complicit in and doing? It stung. Even if logically he knew that Loki had no reason to care what was or wasn’t a sensitive issue for Mobius, not at that stage in their relationship - Schmigadoon was even before their first ‘date.’ Their first time being together physically, before that too.
“All of us are traumatized here,” she said. “All of us are on the verge of cracking too - no one is happy like this, but we can’t just erase it or lock it in a bottle, Loki. No one can do that. It’s only going to make things worse.”
She needed some space too - not forever, not for the whole week. But just for right now. So Mobius got out of the tub, grabbing a towel to wrap around this much smaller body. “I’m sorry you felt like Fandral didn’t respect what you wanted. No one should feel like that.”
“Yes, we’re all traumatized,” Loki agreed. “But we’re not all capable of causing real damage when we lose our minds. If you or Hugh or Spidermonkey kid get hurt or upset or go through something tragic, you can’t inadvertently hurt everybody else. I can. I could level this entire campus if I didn’t keep myself in check. You weren’t here the week I launched an alien invasion on the town of Dunwich and killed and enslaved hundreds of people. But you saw my variant last week. How different do you think I am from him? From any of them? I’ll tell you. I am one emotional breakdown from becoming one of them. And I’m not saying that because I want your pity or because I’m being dramatic. I know how close I’ve come to tearing everything down.”
The ghost week was when Loki realized he was hanging onto a thread. When he heard Natasha had been killed, he’d spiraled. And Mobius could criticize Strange and his questionable intentions all he wanted. But Strange had been right that week. Loki had come a hair’s breadth away from destroying everything.
And everyone.
What Fandral had done—what Fandral had initiated—was far worse than a breakup. It was to point out exactly how close Loki was to becoming the worse version of himself. It was to prove to Loki that he was incredibly exposed when it came to his emotions. And erasing his memories of what Fandral had done was his way of protecting himself. And protecting everyone else in the process.
When Mobius got out of the tub, Loki felt the weight from his shoulders sink down to his belly. He shouldn’t have said anything and he regretted doing so immediately. Honesty had never been his strong suit. Earnestness had never helped him. Even when Loki did something right, he did it wrong.
He leaned forward and pulled the plug on the tub, watching as the water twisted down the drain.
“It’s fine. He’s not here anymore. And the damage has been done.” Loki climbed out of the tub, a puddle forming at his feet while he grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. He didn’t have to do that. He could have snapped his fingers and dried himself off instantly. But he didn’t.
Loki looked over at Mobius, grief-stricken. No illusions this time. There was a lot he should have said. Maybe even more explanations he ought to have given. But there was no bullshitting Mobius. And anything Loki could think to say could easily be twisted back on him as selfishness and ego. And it wouldn’t be wrong. So, he said the only thing he thought might be appropriate.
“I’m sorry.”
Mobius tried not to roll her eyes to the non-existent moon and back. She tried. “Loki, I hate to break it to you - but you’re not the only one with world-ending powers here,” she said as she got dressed, throwing clothes on (and they were Loki’s clothes, yes - nice ones too). But the point remained - Stevie had the capability to be a goddamn Godzilla. The Magicians were powerful in their own right. And on and on and on. “Besides, no one needs to be a god to be able to destroy everything - anyone as mundane as me can get pissed off and do something worse than steal an IKEA and fuck things up for all of us.”
It really wasn’t that difficult, so his partner best pull his head from his ass in that regard. He didn’t need Strange to babysit him - what he needed was to get his shit together and learn how to deal with his own emotions in a way that was actually healthy.
She was clothed now so she stepped closer, reaching out to stroke Loki’s cheek - it was a gentle touch. A connection between them because there would always be one, no matter what. “I love you,” Mobius said. “I’m glad you told me. I just need some time. Okay? I’ll see you tonight.”
All of this needed to be processed in her own way, but that didn’t mean she was giving up on everything - but Mobius couldn’t help how she felt about memories being tampered with. It hurt - it was like twisting a dagger in, and that was her own issue.
Loki wanted to argue with her. He felt like she wasn’t listening to him. Were there others capable of causing immense damage? Yes, of course. He wasn’t special in that sense. But everyone else had more self-control than he did. Everyone else seemed to know how to deal with their emotions. Loki had always dealt with his emotions in one of two ways, suppressing them or lashing out. And both ended up with the same results. Loki hurting people.
And Loki hurting himself. Because not dealing with trauma was its own kind of pain.
He wanted to argue. But Loki didn’t want to go too far. He had a bad habit of going too far with everyone. And if he ruined this with Mobius so soon after finally taking the plunge then it would set him back even further than when he’d started.
She touched his face and even though he wanted to tug away like an impudent child, he held his ground. He didn’t return the affection though. He just stood there, arms at his sides, dripping on the tile floor, feeling almost as bad as he had when he admitted to Julia that he had her shade.
Was this it? Was this what it felt like to disappoint someone beyond measure? What if Mobius took time to herself and decided she didn’t want to deal with this? What if she decided Loki wasn’t worth the trouble? What if this was the end?
Loki didn’t know how he’d respond to that. He’d burned so many bridges in his lifetime. But this was one he didn’t know if he could come back from.
“Okay,” Loki said, lips drawing into a thin frown. “I’ll be around. Just let me know when you’ve had enough time.”
There was a saying about consequences - or maybe it was a saying exactly, but it was just a cold, hard truth: but people would do what they wanted to do. They could do what they wanted to do, as long as they were prepared to deal with the consequences. Mobius wasn’t going to stand here and do any coddling - no one was any more or any less special when it came to their emotions being dangerously volatile, because anyone’s emotions could be volatile and sometimes it only took one second to make a decision you could not take back. No one else was completely perfect at processing their own shit either - and so taking drastic measures to erase your own memories or lock negative feelings up in a bottle like they could be mixed up with perfume or booze and tossed into the trash or something wasn’t exactly helpful.
You couldn’t do that everytime you experienced an emotion like anger or sadness - it wasn’t going to work.
“I will,” Mobius promised, voice husky and quiet. “I hope those pancakes are good.” Then she was gone, taking the stairs back up - maybe being in the room would help. Curling up in bed, or maybe it wouldn’t since the sheets smelled like Loki and so did the pillowcases - but she guessed she’d see.
And if she cried a little, well, that was no one else’s business but her own.