Loki (fiorvalr) wrote in noexits, @ 2022-02-21 19:56:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log/thread/narrative, marvel (tv/movies): loki laufeyson, marvel (tv/movies): party thor, → week 030 (hoth) |
HOTH | BACKDATED
The phrase rolled around in Loki’s mind as he made his way across campus to Butler Hall. He didn’t know why it struck him as so unbelievable that Thor—or some version of him—would arrive in Derleth. He supposed, in a way, it was inevitable. But Loki had seen so many Lokis and so many repetitions of other people that he’d convinced himself that Thor would never be among them. Why? Because deep down Loki believed that Derleth was some form of purgatory. A limbo between realms. Only people who deserved to be there, people who had done wrong and needed to serve penance, would show up. But Thor, although he’d made mistakes in his life, had always been the better of them both. He was the one destined for the throne, after all. Destined to protect their people.
Except he didn’t.
Loki hadn’t known that until recently when Mobius let slip that Thor had given up the crown to Valkyrie. He’d been livid when he heard that. His blood boiled. A vein throbbed at his temple. And he’d clutched his phone so hard it threatened to snap in half. After everything he’d done. After all he’d given his life for. After his sacrifice. Thor just walked away from his destiny. He walked away from the only gift Loki had ever given him. The one thing Loki had always wanted.
Asgard.
Except that wasn’t true. That was one of Loki’s biggest lies. The lie he tried fervently to convince himself of. That all he ever wanted was to be king. In that regard, he couldn’t have been more self-deceptive and he knew it.
‘All I ever wanted was to be your equal.’
Each step across campus became heavier. His legs felt as though they were attached to lead weights. He had a tight clenching in his chest that threatened to crawl up into his throat and choke him. Loki inhaled deeply through his nose and then exhaled. One step at a time. One foot in front of the other.
He’s not your Thor anyway. Why are you so nervous? What do you care? Because Thor was the only person in Loki’s life, save for his mother, that Loki had ever cared about. He was the only one he wanted to impress. The one he wished he could have been more like. Loki had spent so many years sulking and moping and feeling vengeful because of Thor. All those centuries wasted. All that time when they could have been more than brothers. When they could have been friends. And that’s why he cared. Because this Thor offered the potential for something different. Something Loki rarely got the chance at.
A new start.
A glow of green magic spread over him from top to toe, cleaning off the snow. When he stepped inside Butler Hall he wore the last thing he’d had on when he’d seen his brother. Full Asgardian leather and armor. Cape included. No helmet, because this was a friendly ‘reunion.’ Formal. Because even though this Thor may not have been a king, Loki’s Thor was. At least in his heart. And that was deserving of some ceremony.
“Thor?” He stepped through the corridor. And after a moment’s hesitation, “Brother?”
I wish I could say that Thor was deep in thought, sitting on one of the sofas in the lobby of Butler Hall, but Thor was a simple person. Not necessarily mentaly, since he did have the smarts when he actually bothered to apply himself. Simple in terms of his personality. What you see is what you got, with little to no duplicity, and hardly any care.
There was something currently on his mind. His predicament of being stuck in Derleth hadn’t sunk in yet… he’d recently been introduced to the multiverse by the Watcher, experienced it first hand while fighting Ultron, so learning he was in a place where there were people from different universes around, including four different kinds of Loki, was no biggie. And, right now, the whole ‘trapped’ part was more of an inconvenience, like when you just missed your bus and needed to wait for another one to come by. He could use a bite to eat… was there a canteen around, or at least a vending machine? But the main thought that kept popping up was Jane Foster. Was she safe on their home planet? Had she evaded Ultron’s attacking robot horde? Thor had done his best to draw them away from her trailer, but he didn’t know if it worked. He really wanted to know if she was alright.
A voice called his name, and Thor broke out of his thoughts, and grinned. “Loki!” he exclaimed, rising to his feet, leaving Mjølnir on the floor beside where he’d been sitting. He stepped around the sofa, but faltered in his step - he’d seen Loki’s little photograph that showed up when they wrote to one another on their phones, but seeing him in person was strange.
“You’re so… different.” Thor then shook his head, dismissing his confusion, and his grin returned wider than ever. “At least I do not need to crane my neck to look at you. And even better, now I can actually do this.” In four or five wide steps Thor quickly closed the gap between them and immediately pulled Loki into a bear hug, holding him close to his chest.
“I am very happy to meet you, Loki.”
Seeing Thor was strange for Loki, as well. But for an entirely different reason. This version of his brother was younger for starters. Or, at least, he appeared that way. Longer hair. More delicate in the face. And while his enthusiasm matched that of the man Loki was familiar with, this Thor had a naïveté to his smile and his manner. Loki didn’t know or understand the relationship between this Thor and his Loki, but it seemed they didn’t have the same animosity between them. The dynamic, if Thor’s disposition was to be believed (and Loki had no reason to doubt it,) was happier. More lighthearted. Friendly, even.
Was it possible? Could it be? Was there really a universe where Loki and Thor were more than just brothers? A world where they were friends?
The mere thought of it caused Loki’s chest to tighten even more. The idea gripped him with an agonizing nostalgia. A wish that he hadn’t been so stubborn and foolhardy. That he could have had better foresight. That he hadn’t allowed the sins of their father to overshadow them. What he wouldn’t give to be able to go back in time and do it differently. Do everything differently. To really show Thor that he loved him.
Loki waited too long. And now he was dead. And his brother—his real brother—was alone. He didn’t even have Asgard anymore. Loki had really and truly ruined everything.
He took a deep breath, using it to hold back tears. “You are not quite so different from the brother I left behind.”
A statement that was as true as it was false. Loki opened his mouth to say more but was cut off by the enormous arms embracing him in an unexpected hug. That’s when Loki felt himself choking up. That’s when the proverbial wind was knocked out of him. He thought he was going to break into a billion pieces.
Why did this place torture him so?
It took a moment, shock slowly subsiding, before Loki followed suit. He wrapped his arms around Thor, fingers clenching a little harder on his back than he anticipated.
Gods, he even smelled like his brother.
“I am pleased to meet you as well, Thor.” Then Loki released him, quickly wiping at his eyes to hide any sign of sentiment. He followed up with an awkward laugh, meant to dispel any lingering fault or weakness in his appearance. “Am I really so much taller in your realm?”
Were those tears? Was Loki crying? Thor was choked up by this display of affection… Loki obviously loved his brother and missed him very much, and was proud to be a stand-in. To avoid any embarrassment, Thor would pretend not to notice, and instead answer the question with a loud, booming voice worthy of an Asgardian tale.
“Easily twice my height! MORE!” he looked upward in the direction that he’d usually need to look at Loki, accompanied with a wide gesture. “And to greet you, I would grasp on to your little finger.” He held out his hand to pantomime how this was done. “You were not always so. As children, we would visit each other, our sizes were matched. Then you went through a growth spurt. Certainly made it a challenge to catch up.”
By the time Thor began speaking again, Loki had all but swept away the sadness from his face. His eyes still glistened a little, but if anyone saw him he could always blame that on the poor lighting in Butler Hall. The cheap fluorescent bulbs in the corridor weren’t exactly easy on the pupils.
He tilted his head in curiosity as Thor explained their size differences in his world. Both of Loki’s brows reached up into his forehead at the idea of being so large that Thor could only shake his little finger. “A full-sized Frost Giant? Is that what you mean? How peculiar. I was born quite small, actually.”
Scrawny for a son of Jotunheim. Not worthy enough for Laufey, who’d left him to die during battle. The runt prince that no one wanted. It was almost—
Loki blinked, drawn out of his thoughts by Thor’s next words. His expression creased into one of confusion. “Visit each other?”
Loki frowned. “Did we not grow up together on Asgard?”
Thor laughed at how Loki was being silly. “Of course a full sized Frost Giant! That’s what I just said… you were born small, but you grew!” He put his arm across Loki’s shoulders to lead him to the sofa so they could both sit down together. “If I didn’t know any better, I would wonder if the Frost Giants in your realm were not large… but then you wouldn’t be giants any more!” Thor thought that was a clever deduction and was proud of himself.
Too bad there weren’t any tankards of ale to drink during this conversation. That would be the only thing to make this any better.
“Why would we grow up together on Asgard?” Thor asked, thinking this was another ridiculous question. “You’re Laufeyson, Prince of Jotunheim, why would you live with me on Asgard? What? You mean to say…” he pointed a finger between the two of them. “In your universe, we actually grew up together?” Shock. “My mind has been blown. This is amazing! But… how? Your father must’ve given you permission.”
Well, there actually wasn’t too much wrong with Thor’s deductive assessment, but before Loki could expound upon that an arm was wrapped around his shoulders—like two old friends—leading him towards the sofa in the Butler Hall common area. That felt so strange. Not completely unfamiliar. The sentiment was very much Thor, both in this visage and in the one he knew. But it was also so open and accepting. There wasn’t even a glimmer of something bitter between them. This Thor appeared to have nothing but love and affection for his Loki. And trust. That was the hardest one of all to believe.
Trust. Friendship. Brotherhood.
The guilt—and jealousy—Loki felt towards that was like a knife to the gut.
He sat down beside his ‘brother’ and listened to his questions. Listened, his face drawn into a solemn frown, as Thor worked it out aloud. Trying to put the pieces together like a child fitting geometric shapes into their matching holes; unaware that everything could fit in the square hole.
“Yes … I mean, no. Yes, we grew up together. Laufey … didn’t want me. He is not the man I call father.” Loki paused because how he described the next part of his history could ultimately determine how he and Thor got along. Because Loki couldn’t assume that Odin had been the same in Thor’s world as he was in his. “Odin took me in. He and Frigga raised me as their own. As your brother. That’s why I look like this. It’s an illusion. This is my Asgardian face. The one you—my Thor—has always known. Prince of Jotunheim, yes. But also Prince of Asgard. Like yourself.”
Of course, there was more to the story. There was always more to the story. But Loki wanted to make sure he did this right. He didn’t want to mess this up.
This was it. This must have been what his mother meant when she was in Derleth that week. This was why Loki had to stay behind.
“I am Odinson.” Loki paused. “I have always been Odinson.”
It was now Thor’s turn to have tears well in his eyes…manly tears of affection. “In my realm, the bards recount how the All-Father came across a lost babe on the battlefield. He brought this Loki to Laufey, who was so thankful for having his first-born returned safely, that a truce was forged upon that day between Asgard and Joutenheim.”
There were a lot of details missing from the event, political dealings and behind the scenes conversations that the songs and plays skipped though, but this was the important gist that Thor got from the tale. “The truce hasn’t always been steady,” he admitted, “and ancient rivalries run deep in areas, but our friendship has been seen as hope for peace between our two people.”
With the back of his arm he wiped the tears from his face. “But I have oft wondered what it would be like had I not been raised an only child. Your Thor is very fortunate, indeed.” He then announced, “Enough with the sentimentality!” and slapped a heavy hand on Loki’s knee with a smile. “Tell me, what exploits did you share while growing up?”
To say Thor’s side of the story was a shock was, well, putting it incredibly lightly. Loki had met his fair share of other Lokis since arriving in Derleth, but while they were all very different they each had aspects of their story that were the same. Even Sylvie, despite knowing she was adopted, was adopted. And Loki had never considered the possibility that there was a version of himself that had grown up happy on Jotunheim. A version of himself who had grown up with Laufey as a true father figure. And a Laufey who was grateful to Odin for saving and protecting his son? The idea of it barely even registered in Loki’s mind as probable. He couldn’t even classify it as fiction; it was so beyond anything he could ever imagine.
And it changed a lot of his perspective. Not just of himself, but of other people in the multiverse. It changed his opinion of Odin, Laufey, and even Thor. What was this picture perfect universe of friendship between the realms? And why hadn’t he deserved to live in it?
And then Thor said something that really struck Loki close to the heart.
Your Thor is very fortunate, indeed.
It was an intense struggle for Loki to hide his feelings about that comment. Were it not for his illusions, he never would have been able to the glistening tears in his eyes.
Deep breath, Loki. Keep it together.
Nothing like a slap to the knee from the God of Thunder to shake him out of his sentiment.
“Our exploits? Let me think. There were so many. We traveled across all of the realms. Stood side by side in battle numerous times. Trips to Midgard were our favorite, of course. You were quite obsessed with it actually. Always making bets with Heimdall and the other warriors about things we could and couldn’t get away with. Father never liked it when we went to Midgard. It always required a big clean up, you could say.” Loki laughed at the memory of it. “Good fun, really. We fought an army of Dark Elves together, as well. Defeated the Grandmaster on Sakaar. And, of course, there was the time we—”
Loki cut himself off, realizing he might accidentally let slip the truth about Ragnarok. He quickly covered it up with a laugh and a shake of the head. “Needless to say, we were always causing trouble for Father.”
Loki smiled. “Was it much different for you and your Loki?”
Thor was enraptured, both in awe and envy. But what need did he have for being so envious? The Warriors Three were his closest companions who followed him on every outing, for every campaign. They were like brothers to him! The key word being like. Now that he was listening to this Loki’s stories, he felt a gaping hole in his heart that he didn’t even realize was there, but now was so glaringly obvious. He sighed so deeply that his whole frame sagged, but he continued to smile… albeit weakly.
Throughout Loki’s description, Thor wanted so badly to interject, opening his mouth to excitedly interrupt like a puppy dog lunging with his mouth open, but each time he quickly censored himself. An interruption might mean Loki would stop speaking, and Thor wanted him to finish. When it became clear that it was now his turn, Thor let tumble out everything he’d been holding back.
“Midgard! YES! I visited there for the first time, not long before being brought here! All-Father forbade me from going there, but when he’s in Odinsleep, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, amIright?” He nudged Loki with his elbow and gave a conspiratorial wink. “We threw an amazing party, the whole universe was invited! Even some of the Sovereign showed up, those ol’ fuddy duddies. And the Grandmaster… ha! Amazing D.J.! Nobody knows how to spin disks like him! What did we defeat him at in your realm? Drinking? A dance-off? Against your moves, nobody stands a chance!” He pointed finger-guns in Loki’s direction..
Now that the first wave of excitement passed, he paused to take a breath and continued. “You came to the party a few hours after it began, with your entourage of friends. Almost didn’t think you’d come!” He laughed. “You and your bros really had some fun, using the Casket of Ancient Winters on these enormous statues of faces carved in stone, giving them your horns. Then… mother found out…” He gave a guilty shrug. “You stayed to help make things right before she showed up, fastest clean up ever!”
Yeah, they had fun, but there was a difference. Thor primarily hung out with his gang, and Loki with his own. There wasn’t this sense of bond that Loki seemed to have with his Thor. “You were always busy with Jotunheim stuff, we really didn’t get to hang out a whole lot.” He was a little sad saying this, but tried to look on the bright side. “But when we did! Oh man! It was great.”
Loki saw that waver in Thor’s expression. That almost dejected defeatist glimmer that accompanied his heavy sigh and his halfhearted smile. He saw that and he felt a little bad that he was avoiding a core truth about his relationship with Thor. But there was an insatiable innocence about this version of his brother that Loki didn’t want to tarnish. It reminded Loki of the years before all of the drama and the anger and the vengeance. This Thor reminded Loki of when he was a boy. When he and Thor would play together at swords or games of chase in their mother’s garden. When they would torment the palace staff with tricks. In the years before they both found themselves on opposite ends of the playing field. Before their father pitted them against each other in a battle for the throne. Before Loki was made to feel like he was the undeserving of the two.
He didn’t want this Thor to know any of that. He wanted this Thor to revel in the beautiful story that could have been. And perhaps if Loki was lucky, they could build something similar. Something he could never have in his own world.
Hence Loki’s great relief when Thor’s exuberance returned. And, yet again, Thor’s stories both amazed, stunned, and confounded Loki. It was absurd. It was all absolutely absurd.
But he loved it.
Except for maybe the finger guns. That earned Thor a suspicious brow-raised peer.
Loki laughed. It was a sound of complete disbelief, but he was still mesmerized by the way Thor told this story about his first trip to Midgard. You could have knocked Loki over with a feather; he was so flabbergasted. He didn’t even know where to begin.
“No, the Grandmaster wasn’t exactly a DJ where I’m from. A music lover, yes. Dancing, on occasion. But I think my version of him was a little more sadistic than yours. Although! He did throw some great parties. And as long as you enjoyed them, then you were allowed to live.” Cue an awkward grin. “But nevermind all that! Your first trip to Midgard and you threw a planetwide party?”
To be honest, Loki wasn’t quite as surprised about that as he should have been. Not once he actually considered it. This version of Thor was something of a—how had the others put it?—frat boy. The part that was really weird, however, was hearing about himself. Because from the way Thor spoke it sounded like his Loki was also something of a heavy partier. “Well, I am certain that your Loki wishes he could spend more time with you. But you know how Frost Giants are. There’s always something going on to keep them busy. Those igloo palaces don’t clean themselves, after all.”
Loki placed his hand on Thor’s shoulder. “But I, for one, am glad you’re here. There have been many times when I wished I could go back and relive those moments with my brother. And now I can. If that is something you would you like, of course.”
Hearing about Loki’s version of the Grandmaster, Thor nodded his head, understandingly. “I’ve heard warnings about him… there’s a saying ‘Don’t party on Sakaar unless you’re willing to lose more than just your pants’. His planet, his rules. “But, yes! Planetwide party! Not the first one I threw, mind you. There were a couple I had before that… one that got a little out of hand, but we won’t talk about that. Does Fandral here also have a thing with goats? Ah, never mind, it doesn’t matter!”
To be honest, his Loki never gave the impression that he wanted to hang out more … for all their talk about being ‘brothers from other mothers’, they remained separate… in distance, in culture, in lives. But it sure sounded like a nice thought, and it gave Thor joy to think about. “Indeed, it does!” he agreed, chuckling over the comment about Jotumhiem’s palaces.
“Would I like to?” Thor loudly laughed. “You won’t be able to keep me away! I would also like to get to know the other Lokis that are here, too… although I’m not conversant in alligator-speak.” His smile faltered. “The one who calls herself Sylvie… I’m worried she doesn’t like me very much.”
Loki gave an awkward laugh at Thor’s description of Sakaar. If that saying wasn’t true then nothing was. Loki wasn’t often afraid of people. But his time on Sakaar had been uncomfortably terrifying. The Grandmaster may have seemed charming and humorous—and in many ways he was—but he was also the thing of nightmares. Loki was glad to keep him in his past. And he crossed his fingers every week that the Grandmaster didn’t show up in Derleth.
He blinked. “Goats? Uhh. I don’t know. You’d have to ask Fandral.”
Loki smirked, trying to picture the look on Fandral’s face when Thor asked him about goats. The thought of that image pleased Loki in ways he couldn’t quite understand. Something in his mind was incapable of uncovering why that was particularly humorous to him, but he shrugged it off. Maybe it was just because he knew Fandral would probably choke on his own words trying to find an answer.
But when Thor agreed to wanting to get to know him better, Loki felt a weight lifted off his shoulders. He gave a mental sigh of relief. Granted, he was a little concerned that this Thor might latch onto him like a child clinging to his mother’s ankles, but Loki had survived worse. He could handle a clingy Thor.
At least, he thought he could.
But then Thor mentioned Sylvie and Loki’s expression softened. “Sylvie is a little different from the rest of us. Her family was taken away from her when she was very young. She’s been alone almost her entire life. It’s not that she dislikes you. I think she’s just afraid.”
Loki paused. “In all of our universes, the bond between Loki and Thor has been one of the most influential aspects of our lives. Something eternal. And we’ve all been without our brothers for a long time. Some of us more than others. It’s not easy to find balance when your other half is missing.”
He gave Thor’s shoulder a gentle, but encouraging squeeze. “But to be honest I only half understand the alligator myself.”
The description of the universal bond between Lokis and their respective Thors was heartwarming, but this Thor worried his brow when he considered his own circumstance. If the bond was that strong and influential, then, “Where does that leave me?” he wondered, introspectively. His relationship with his Loki was fun and all that, but it didn’t sound anything as close as what he just heard described. He looked sad, but when he glanced up at Loki, he quickly hid his concern with a smile, not wanting to cause any undue distress. “Awwww,” he said, dismissively, “I’m sure it’s alright.”
“And thank you, Loki, for your counsel. I will keep that in mind when I meet with Slyvie. “It must be very hard for her.” A moment’s thought, and then, “Do you think I am also an alligator in that universe?”
Enough of this! The topics were getting too moody for his liking. He slapped both of his thighs with his hands and suddenly rose to his feet. “You will need to show me around this Butler Hall. A wizard named Mobius opened a portal for me to bring me in from the cold, but I haven’;t gone further than this foyer.”
Loki noticed a slight windfall in Thor’s disposition and decided he’d already said enough. He didn’t want to destroy the man’s spirits after one meeting. That was the very last thing Loki wanted. But he didn’t want his interactions with the other Lokis to go poorly either. For this to work, it was important that Thor was capable of integrating with all of them. And for that he had to understand that they weren’t all from happy party universes. And, hopefully, if things went well between Thor and the others, it might even heal some of the open wounds between the Lokis themselves. Perhaps this was how they found themselves back on the same footing. Maybe not as friends but, at the very least, cordially on the same side. Loki recognized that he was partly to blame for the hiccups and animosity between himself and the others. He just hadn’t figured out how to heal those sore egos. Maybe it wasn’t possible. Maybe they just needed an exuberant, goodhearted oaf to bring them all back together.
“I think it’s entirely possible you are an alligator in his universe. Or some other form of creature! Perhaps a bear or a bull? Maybe a frog?” That last one was quite amusing to Loki. Frog Thor. Thorg. Throg? What he wouldn’t pay to see that.
And then Thor was up and shoving the conversation into a much more active direction. Good. Loki was glad for that. He had a tendency to fall quickly into his old morose patterns. The distraction would be good for him. Good for them both.
He stood up as well. “I think we need something special for this journey.”
He waved his hand and an expensive bottle of champagne (a leftover token from his week in Florida) appeared in his hand. Loki popped off the cork, took a swig, and handed it to his brother. “I know it’s not mead, but maybe we can find some during next week’s adventures. Come on! Let’s at least find your room.”