InsaneJournal

Knowing she was here, knowing she was her, made Melody restless. She could only stay away for so long.

River Song still existed. She was...well, she was her. But she'd made a conscious choice to stay Melody Williams. How did she explain that to the Doctor? To someone she didn't think could be anyone else if they tried. But she could at least try. The Doctor deserved that much from her.

She rapped briefly on the door. "Sweetie, do you mind if I come in?"

The Doctor scrunched her face as she looked around her new surroundings. She didn't like them. This dorm room wasn't as nice as her TARDIS. Or as roomy. But it was a good distraction from the surprise and mild confusion of River, no, Melody. She had a lot of questions, but she wasn't sure how willing she was to actually ask them. And as if on cue, there was a knock on the door. The Doctor opened it. It'd been so many lifetimes since she saw her wife last and she couldn't help but smile a wide, toothy smile when she saw her.

"Hello, sweetie." She stepped aside to let Melody in.

Mel couldn’t help smiling in turn. It would have been a lie to say she wasn’t concerned how well-received she would be after telling her wife she wasn’t exactly the woman she’d married. Maybe she needn’t be so worried.

She slipped past her into the room, just barely brushing against her as she did. But she kept her hands to herself.

“I thought you might have questions. I would have.” Her expression softened. “I can tell you who I am, if you like.”

The Doctor closed the door and rested her hand against it for a brief moment afterward. There was a flutter in her chest at the thought of seeing River again. Even if she wasn't quite River. She turned around to face her, smile once again on her face.

"I do. Have questions." The smile faded into a look of contemplation, her brow furrowed. "I tried to equate it to regeneration, but it's really not the same is it? You've a whole other life you've lived. You're like two people in one."

Humming in soft agreement, Melody nodded slowly. “That’s a fair assessment."

She watched the Doctor quietly for a moment, the space of a breath, then she shook her head. “It isn’t like regeneration. I’ve done that. Everything changes, but who you are...that’s always the same, isn’t it?”

Even after Mels, when she’d decided to be River Song, she hadn’t changed because she regenerated. She’d changed because of the Doctor. Deep down everything that had made her Mels had always still been there. Was there again now. But there was something else now, too. A whole other, perfectly normal life. And rather than one overwriting the other, they’d settled into a questionable balance.

“I am River Song.” Though she didn’t hesitate to say it, the words clearly unsettled her in some way. “I could tell you what it was like.” But she didn’t want to do that. Not yet.

“But I was Melody Williams first. My parents are Amanda and Robert. I have a younger brother, Anthony. They’re all still back in England. I’ve been living and working in Vegas for nearly six years now. My parents call every week. Anthony and I email nearly every day. I fly home at least once a year and he visits me once every year. I liked my life, Sweetie.”

"Well who wouldn't like a perfectly ordinary, uneventful life," The Doctor responded, her disdain at the idea very evident in her voice. Ordinary wasn't for her and she always assumed it wasn't for her wife either. But River was never really given that chance.

"Your parents aren't Amy and Rory?" The Doctor's hearts sank as the realization finally hit her. There was a brief look of sadness in her eyes before she pushed it aside. "That's a little unusual for an alternate timeline. Of course, so is the merging of timelines." The Doctor tucked her hair behind her ear and began pacing. She had the look about her that indicated Melody was a problem that the Doctor needed to solve and the wheels had begun turning.

Oh, she knew that look, even on this face. Melody didn’t want to be solved. Her life had been perfectly fine as it was, and while she couldn’t deny certain parts of being River she was rather fond of as well, any life that erased her family wasn’t something she wanted to embrace.

But, she supposed, in a way, insisting on staying Melody must feel something like erasing her life with the Doctor.

“I expect it had something to do with the age difference. They wouldn’t have been old enough to be my parents. I had a different wife, as well. Once. Divorced now.” Her smile was oddly fond. “For about six years. And you.” She paused to give her a once-over, chuckling. “You weren’t my type at all. But there was something about you. I was hoping we might be seeing more of each other.”

"I suppose it's more like using the Chameleon arch then." The Doctor stuffed her hands into her pockets as she paused in her pacing and tilted her head thoughtfully. "Except none of that was real and this life you've lived is real. Probably more real to you than the memories of being River."

The Doctor pulled out her sonic screwdriver and twirled it in her hand before approaching Melody and using the device to scan her. She looked at the results with curiosity. "Two hearts. Pulmonary bypass system. Physically, you are still the same." Her fingers twitched with a desire to touch Melody but she shoved her hands back into her pockets.

"I'm supposed to be the one who changes. You're supposed to always be you. The only constant in my life aside from the TARDIS."

Mel's smile softened, and she sat on the bed, patting the space beside her.

“I’ve changed before.” But that had set her on the path to being River Song, being the woman she could imagine the Doctor so badly wished was sitting here with her now.

She wanted to take her hand, but she didn’t, keeping her palms flat against her own legs. “Sweetie, I can’t be how you remember me. I can only be myself. But River isn’t gone, she isn’t someone else. As much as I might have liked that in the beginning. I’m still here.”

The Doctor finally stopped pacing to sit down beside Melody. "It's been so long, you know. Since Darillium, since I saw you last." There's a small, but sad smile on the Doctor's face. "I am happy, you know. To see you. I never thought I would again." The sadness faded, leaving a warmer smile behind. She thought about the way Clara reacted when she'd regenerated into a grey-haired Scotsman, how the Doctor had to beg her to see him. It had broken her hearts then and she didn't want to do that to Melody.

"Tell me more about your life. This normal one you've lived."

Slowly, Melody nodded. “I am sorry you found me again only for me to be...not quite what you were expecting.”

But she saw the way the Doctor's expression shifted, and she took that as an encouraging sign. And she wanted to share with her wife who she was now.

“My parents are retired now, mostly. My mother still writes the odd article. She’s a journalist. My father was a nurse. They're...not terribly unlike Amy and Rory. They’re lovely and supportive, and Anthony and I always knew we could do whatever we wanted.” She’d loved Amy and Rory. She did love Amy and Rory. But they’d never really gotten the chance to be her parents, had never really felt like her parents. It was important to her that the Doctor knew she’d had a happy childhood. Her life had been different, but that didn’t necessarily mean it was lacking.

“But I’m closest to my brother. Oh, I was bitter when he came along. I’d been an only child for eight years. But these things...” She trailed off with a shrug and a small smile, then she shook her head. “Why he ever went into business.”

Something in her tone suggested she regularly gave him a hard time about the choice, but there’s an unmistakable fondness that likely means it isn’t meant seriously.

“Unsurprisingly, I’m an archaeologist.” Smiling, she glanced up at the Doctor. “I thought I’d get to travel, and I love history. I specialise in conservation, actually.”

She suspected her wife felt the same as she always had when it came to archaeology, but she’d seemed to make an exception when it came to River. Mel put a tentative hand on the Doctor's arm to stall any commentary.

“I don’t do fieldwork anymore, but I still love what I do.”

Pausing, Melody tilted her head. “Is there anything special you’d like to ask me about? It’s an entire life, Sweetie.” She can’t help laughing. It’s absurd how short that time seems now. “I was 50 years old and not getting any younger.”

The Doctor smiled brightly as Melody relayed some details of her life, although there was a hint of sadness in her eyes. "It sounds like you've led the life you always wanted." The Doctor had always felt so much guilt about the way River had been ripped from her parents and subjected to such a horrible life, trained from childhood to kill the Doctor. Left in a digital limbo by the Doctor.

"Has it been better? Having a normal life? Not travelling through time and space? Not-" her voice falters for a moment. "Not knowing me." She was aware that River knowing her had been a blessing and a curse. It was that for everyone who came in and out of the Doctor's life.

Ah, there it was. Melody thought she’d best tread carefully in answering that question. “What is normal, anyway?”

She couldn’t bring herself to look the Doctor in the eye just yet, but she did reach for her hand. “I've had a wonderful life, a full life. And yes, in many ways, it is the sort of life I always wished I could have had, that I might have had that choice.” Her fingers tightened around the hand in her own, and she finally looked up. “But, Sweetie, I never regretted the life I led.”

Taking a slow, considering breath, she decided to try that again. “I loved travelling through time and space. I loved the adventure. I love being your wife. I won’t tell you one is better than the other.”

How could she even compare the two?

“I did know you, you know. A version of you who wasn’t quite you yet. Our first date was at a museum.”

"The best of both worlds then, yeah?" The Doctor looked down at Melody's hand and smiled fondly. She wasn't sure if she was still Melody's wife, but she's made it very clear that she was and the Doctor relaxed just a little at the realization.

"Another version of me?" The Doctor narrowed her eyes and creased her brow as she looked at Melody. "I bet she wasn't even half as cool as I am. Didn't even have a TARDIS, did she?" In typical Doctor fashion, she couldn't help but get jealous of herself. From regeneration to regeneration, some things never changed. After all, it was one thing for the Doctor to flirt with herself, but for another version of her to flirt with her wife? Simply unacceptable.

That made Melody laugh, warm and gentle, and she leaned briefly into the Doctor's side, shoulders touching. “Not a whole one. She had a sign and a bit of a door.” And that made her laugh again. Because she realized it must sound entirely ridiculous.

The Doctor turned her head toward Melody, smiling at the contact between them. In a lot of ways, it felt like old times. Even if the Doctor looked vastly different and her wife had led a second life. "What happened to the rest of her TARDIS? That sounds very careless." A criticism made as if the Doctor hadn't exploded her own TARDIS on more than one occasion.

"Honestly, I don't know. Pieces of it started turning up before we really understood what it was. I'm not sure why she didn't show up all at once." Shifting, Melody fetched her sonic out of a pocket. She'd been carrying both it and her diary since her memories returned. "This seems to work fine. But my vortex manipulator was damaged as well. I'm afraid it got left behind. I doubt it would have been much use here anyway."

"Finally, the universe found a way to get rid of that vortex manipulator of yours." The Doctor smiled and took Melody's sonic into her hand, inspecting it. She remembered making it almost as well as she remembered the moment she gifted it to her wife. She wanted to sigh, but she kept it at bay, kept the emotions from showing on her face at all. She handed the screwdriver back to Melody.
"Tell me something. Why did you decide to continue to go by Melody Williams?"

Melody chuckled. “Can’t argue with that. But you have to admit, it had its uses.”

Taking her sonic back, she smiled, but it was tinged with a sort of sadness. She took her time answering, turning the screwdriver over in her hands and then over again. Finally, she shrugged, at a loss. “Melody Williams is who I was. I didn’t want to be anyone else.”

Looking up at her wife, she acknowledged, “That isn’t much of an answer, is it?” She sighed, setting her sonic aside. “River Song died. A very long time ago. Sweetie, it isn’t that I hated that life, but when I look at it now...I’m not sure it was ever really my own.”

Did that make sense, she wondered? To someone like the Doctor. “I never thought we’d meet like this.”

"No, I suppose it wasn't. I guess the name River Song was never really your own either." The Doctor looked down at her boots. She couldn't help the way her hearts broke all over again in response to River Song being dead. The Doctor knew it, she was there when it happened and yet seeing this woman who, in some ways, had lived that life, had those memories, gave her hope. Now she wasn't sure if it was a hope she should latch onto it.

"River Song was my wife, though. What about Melody Williams?"

And that question nearly broke Melody's hearts. Shifting so she could face her more fully, she cupped her cheek. "Oh, Doctor. That's up to you, isn't it?"

She knew that wasn't entirely fair of her, but she had a point she was trying to make. "I am River Song. I have all the same memories, feelings, experiences. Some part of me will always be her." She stroked her cheek lightly and then dropped her hand to lace their fingers together. "But you know I can never be the same as I was. Am I enough like her still? I don't need to ask how you felt about River. How do you feel about Melody Williams?"

The Doctor had wondered if Melody's love for her died with River and Melody's response certainly answered that question for her. She smiled faintly against the touch of Melody's hand on her cheek.

"I'd like to get to know you better. All the parts that aren't River."

Smiling more brightly, Mel squeezed her hand. "I think that can be arranged. I'm sorry to say I'm not quite as exciting this time around. A well-adjusted life is a boring one, apparently."

She'd consider herself less assertive this time around, too. And she'd always been patient. She didn't mind taking it slow. "You could always start by asking me out on a date. We never really did that properly, did we?"

The Doctor looked at Melody, brow creased with confusion. "We've been on loads of dates! We had a lovely picnic on the beach once. Sure, your parents were there and you killed me, but what date is ever perfect?" The unfortunate thing was that the Doctor was absolutely sincere. She didn't exactly have a normal concept of what a date was.

"Shame I don't have the TARDIS. There's a star in the delta quadrant of Cygni-11 that's about to go supernova in a few millennia. It'll be quite the sight."

Some things never changed, she supposed. She might be different, but the Doctor was…the Doctor. "I'm sure it's beautiful, Sweetie."

And even now, Melody or River, she'd have run away with her in an instant. But there was no TARDIS, and she thought maybe she'd done enough running.

"Doctor, you know you don't need to impress me. I'd settle for dinner. Lunch? What I'm trying to say, Sweetie, is there might not always be an adventure waiting in the wings." Her voice softened. "It's highly doubtful I'm going to try to kill you again. I don't care much for weapons these days."

"You? Not care for weapons? Oh you really are different." A crease formed just between the Doctor's eyes as she thought and then she relaxed her face and smiled. "You know me, there's always an adventure to be had. Even without the TARDIS." Because the Doctor didn't do dinner or lunch, she was rarely seen eating at all. "We won't have to settle for anything so mundane." Even though she said 'we', it was obvious the Doctor was really just referring to herself.

"Disappointed?" She couldn't help asking. Part of her knew if she picked up a gun or knife or, well, probably anything that was handy, she'd be every bit as efficient with it as River Song ever had been. But there hadn't exactly been much call for it in her current life. "I do still enjoy a trowel."

Hmm'ing softly, she smiled, reaching up with her free hand to brush hair back from the Doctor's face. "I guess you'll be finding us an adventure, then?"

The Doctor laughed. "I'm delighted that you don't care for weapons anymore. You know how I've always felt about them." Always wasn't exactly accurate, but the Doctor never was one to go into the finer details about her shifting stance on weapons.

"I suspect just being here, wherever here is, will be adventure enough." It was, at the very least, an intriguing mystery begging for the Doctor to solve it.

Giving the Doctor's shoulder a gentle nudge, Mel smiled. "Well, I do recall you saying you liked my gun." Then she chuckled. "And other times, all I got was a lecture."

She did hope her decidedly calmer nature was something the Doctor would adjust to in time. Maybe they'd find a way to meet each other halfway.

"Always an adventure with you, Sweetie." She gave her hand another squeeze. "You know where to find me, Doctor."