The library. Not the first place Stephen would’ve chosen to meet, but he didn’t mind. It was a public place but the little reading nooks tucked away in the corners among the shelving offered a sense of privacy. Besides, it usually wasn’t bustling with activity.
Stephen found Allison in one of the comfy seats beside a window on the second floor. It felt like ages since they really got to talk to one another, but he knew that was one of Derleth’s tricks. While she experienced a few days in a pleasant, cartoonish island, Stephen spent weeks in a dystopia that was less than ideal. He smiled as he approached and pulled up a seat beside her. “How are you doing?” he asked, already knowing the answer. Her sister, Vanya, had just disappeared , leaving her the last member of her family on campus.
Allison could really only shrug at his question. It hurt, losing her family, because it seemed like they were finally starting to bond after a clusterfuck of shit that had happened before she even ended up on Derleth. Coming together, traveling to the past and getting split up, meeting up again, coming back to the present to realize everything had changed, and then landing here. Five was here for a bit, so was Klaus and then they were gone. For a moment, it seemed like it was just going to be her and Vanya in this place. It wasn’t too bad with both of them being together.
And then there was one left. She would have said she felt truly alone, if it hadn’t been for Stephen.
But one conversation on the network made her feel like something heavy was settling into her stomach, and she was torn between being relieved and being wary of him giving her company.
“A bit numb, I guess,” she said, putting down a book she’d been flipping absent-mindedly through. Some book about fungi. She wasn’t really reading it. The drawings were just pretty to look at it.
“Understandable.” Stephen gave Allison a sympathetic smile as he pulled up a nearby chair so he could sit close beside her. “There’s always a chance they’ll return,” he said, trying to be comforting. “It’s happened before.” No sooner did the words leave his mouth that Stephen realized this was inadequate, and there was really no way to console Allison over her loss besides being there as a support as she grieved.
Silence passed between them, then Stephen asked, “Do you want to talk about them?”
“That would be too long of a story,” she said with a slight smile. Normally, she would love to talk about the shit that they had gone through but at that moment, it felt too painful to divulge especially considering the recent events in their life. “But… not really. That would just make me think of our recent time traveling and remind me how I have a picture of my daughter who probably no longer exists and–” She paused and shook her head, not wanting to continue down that path.
“Whose picture did you end up with?” A topic change felt like it would be more helpful right now.
The only way Stephen could respond was to slowly nod his head… not necessarily in understanding, since he didn’t have children, never wanted any, and would never know what it would be like to be separated from them forever. As a surgeon, as a sorcerer, he’d witnessed the grief and anxiety of the loved ones left behind when somebody died, but he was always able to maintain emotional separation. Even at Tony Stark’s funeral, while surrounded by mourning, he remained stoic. It wasn’t pathological… Stephen had feelings… but he reminded himself of a higher perspective. Especially as a sorcerer, he knew… sometimes shit happens, it was all part of a cycle, and that the spirit lived on. Stephen wasn’t such an asshole that he’d coldly tell Allsion that … she was experiencing grief and needed comfort, not a stab in the heart. It was just too bad. She was a good person going through some heavy karma. Hopefully she would be able to find peace, no matter what happened.
Taking her cue, Stephen was glad to distract her. “The Ancient One. Ah… they were the Sorcerer Supreme before me. They introduced me to the mystic arts and were my teacher.” He softly smiled. “A lot of times I wish they were still around to give me guidance. They had a very practical way of dealing with things.”
Allison nodded, her interest peaked. One of the few good things to come out of this new week was the photographs for a bunch of people, it seemed. But it could have also been a giant fork-you from this week’s shenanigans: a mysterious being on campus who seemed to know them all way more than what was comfortable. “Sounds like quite the person to have in your life. I wish there was a way I could have met them.” She gave him a smile, trying to instill whatever cheer in her heart she could muster. “You know, like a whole meet-each-other’s-families thing that I’m sure we must have totally had before the wedding.”
“I’m hoping they will,” he said, his gaze drifting out the window and into the realm of memory. “They always seemed to know what to do. I guess that comes with all that experience.” Stephen really admired them for that, and tried to use her as a guide to how he ought to behave in her shoes. “You never know,” he continued, snapping back to the present, giving Allison a shrug. “Derleth is always plopping people in. You may just get the chance.”
Stephen smiled, and then broke out into a chuckle. “The wedding…” For a split second, he didn’t know what Allison was talking about, but, “How could I forget our marriage. I’m sure we did have a meet-and-greet. 1950’s? Very traditional. You still have the dress, don’t you?”
“Oh, absolutely,” Allison said, an amused smile coming a little easier this time. “Had it put away, waiting on the occasion that more of them would pop up so I can come out wearing it and yelling at them for missing my third wedding.” Never mind that the first wedding was when they were all estranged and had not been invited.
She became a little quiet after that, and then shrugged and added softly. “If they come back.”
So much for changing the subject. Stephen’s smile faded with her words. Grief was like that, drawing a dark cloud over every thought and feeling. And Allison was grieving the loss of her siblings who had appeared and started to disappear one by one until she was the last remaining. Again, Stephen couldn’t relate, since he wasn’t close to his own family… his parents were both dead and he wasn’t even sure where his brother was anymore, or even if he was alive. But, he knew that Allison loved her crazy mix-up adoptive family… and it was both wonderful and a curse.
Words of comfort would be inadequate, not now, when the heartbreak was so fresh. So instead, he leaned forward and held out his hand for Allison, raising his eyebrows at her as if to say, If you want to hold hands, I’m here for you.
Allison reached out and took his hand, giving him a small smile. She appreciated that. She appreciated him, and really everything they had gone through at this point, from the terrible alien attack after their fake reality broke to the week of vampires and werewolves. Even the ghost attacks when Stephen insisted he was okay even though she was well aware he had had some sort of concussion at that time.
She cared for him so much that it was probably time to ask him a few things to clarify, especially considering what she had read in Mal’s post. “Stephen,” she started, after a few seconds of silence. “I know we’re obviously not married and I think it’s a hilarious joke and all, but…” she cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter. “Where do we stand with each other?”
This was an unexpected turn in the conversation, but one that needed to happen, eventually. Stephen’s expression was like a deer in the headlights, stunned and momentarily bewildered. He’d assumed they’d already discussed this topic a while ago, but a lot happened since then, so maybe it was better to clarify. The uncomfortable part of it was Allison was already grieving the disappearance of her last family member in Derleth, would she be alright talking about this?
Still holding on to her hand, he questioned, “I uhhh… thought we were taking the friends with benefits route?”
Allison knew she ought to move her hand away, give them a bit of distance before discussing anything else but she felt frozen, watching Stephen carefully, analyzing all the expressions on his face. And her hand stayed in his as well.
“Not… anything else? Do you not feel… anything more?” She almost hated the way there was a tinge of hope in her questions. He hadn’t said anything concrete; just what he thought. Could that mean there was a chance?
Shit
The question and the way it was asked told Stephen everything he needed to know about where Allison’s head was at, and his stomach did a turn. . In a circumstance like Derleth, where people disappeared at a whim, he saw the heartbreak it caused. Case in point, Allison right now with her family. There weren’t many people in his life back home that would provoke the same response if they suddenly arrived… the Ancient One… Wong… maybe Christine… so he considered himself lucky there, that none of them had arrived. And he thought he’d done well up to this point, trying to keep his attachments to the bare minimum, Allison being the only person with whom he’d formed a physical relationship Sure, it was lonely at times, but it seemed practical.
Did he feel something for her? Anything? Of course he did. How could he not. The time they spent, joking, working together, in one another’s arms were special. But did Stephen want to take it to the next level?
“I’m sorry, Allison.” The heartbreak he felt could be heard in his tone of voice, in the pained expression in his face. He opened his mouth to tell her something, but hesitated, not sure if this was the right thing to say, but decided to go ahead and say it anyway. “You always have a special place in my heart, but… what you’re looking for? I can’t provide.”
On top of all the hurt Allison was experiencing, this felt like pouring lemon juice on an open wound. However, she did ask, and she deserved the truth, as difficult as that truth might be.
Allison attempted to keep her face as still as possible. She personally thought she did pretty well considering she was an actress. Except she had spent most of her life rumoring people to give her roles, didn’t she? Whether she was a deserving actress or not, whether she was really good at masking what she was feeling? There was also the fact that it had been a really long time since she’d actually acted.
She broke eye contact, not sure if she’d be able to keep the hurt from her eyes and looked down at their hands. She wanted to pull away and at the same time, she didn’t. “I want– I want something more. I love what we have, and I… I genuinely like you and want to be with you... I didn’t expect to but somehow, it happened, and I just…” she trailed off before quietly adding. “I want more.”
Shit. This was exactly the thing Stephen wanted to avoid. On top of everything else on Allison’s plate, why did she decide to add this to the very top? It would be so easy to smooth things over now, try to make Allison feel better by telling her what she wanted to hear… but he wouldn’t be true to himself, and in the long run would only make things worse.
An emotional struggle warred on Stephen’s face before he took a steadying breath. He ran his thumb tenderly over Allison’s hand, then slowly let his slip out of her grasp, being the one to pull away. “I sincerely hope you find it, Allison. It’s what you deserve.”
Allison wasn’t sure what she had expected. Maybe a small part of her was hoping that once he realized how she felt, he’d give it a chance. Or maybe he’d realize he felt the same way about her. She could only look down at her hand, before pulling it back into her lap.
She had so much she wanted to say but chose simply to ask, “Why not?”
Stephen realized Allison was looking for answers, grasping at straws, but she was only making it more difficult for the both of them… especially for him, who struggled to come up with an answer. A little frustrated, he leaned forward to say, “You’re a wonderful woman, and I’ve enjoyed our time together but…” What could he say? He sat back in his chair and looked out the window for a moment, gathering his thoughts. There was no easy way to say this. “You know from personal experience the heartbreak when somebody you deeply care for disappears. The instability of Derleth makes the possibility of any lasting relationship…” he left his sentence dangling, only shaking his head, no.
“We talked about this in the beginning, we were just going to have a good time. I’m not willing to invest emotionally, or to commit to a relationship that will only make it worse, in the long run.”
Everything he said made sense, really, when you thought back to the others who had lost someone close to them and they disappeared from this world. But Allison was thinking about Raymond Chestnut, someone she obviously would never see again because he lived about eighty years in her past, and who she had fallen in love with. Even if she never saw him again, she couldn’t think of ever not meeting him.
That was just it. It hurt but Allison didn’t want to not care, not to make those connections with someone because when she had them, it felt so good. She’d rather think of them in the moment than the ever-changing future.
But now, knowing this, even living in the moment was going to be difficult.
Allison turned her face away to look outside the window while she rapidly blinked to keep the tears from spilling over. There probably was no point in hiding anything from him, he wasn’t stupid, but she was almost embarrassed to be crying over it in front of him. When he had been talking, she was quiet. She continued to be quiet while she tried to reign in her feelings. Finally with a sniff and clearing her throat, she spoke. “I need time,” she said, so quietly it was practically a whisper.
Stephen didn’t know the complexities of Allison’s thought process, but he believed he understood. A part of him wanted to comfort her… a hug, or even just to hold her hand again, but it was now past that. He wanted to maintain emotional distance, but in the process he feared he’d lost a friend.
Shoulders sagging, he could only nod his head in response. He then stood, giving Allison one last mournful look, then left.