Loki (fiorvalr) wrote in noexits, @ 2021-07-06 23:22:00 |
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One of the first things Loki did once he realized that there were other, more suitable, living arrangements in the realm of the Mouse King, was to get himself a very nice and comfortable suite in one of the more expensive resorts. It was luxurious. Finally he might actually get a good night’s sleep. And, as a result, he really had no reason to return to the Derleth campus. In fact, he was planning on staying as far away as possible from that boring, bland Midgardian prison which had captured him. Especially after the incident last night involving Doctor Strange at the pool party. (He had absolutely no desire to run into that sorcerer again.) But when he woke up on day three of this Disney Realm adventure he realized he’d left Julia’s shade hidden in his bedroom. And while it was probably safe from prying eyes thanks to the magical wards on the rooms, there was no guarantee that it was safe. Especially not with that nuisance of a sorcerer around. So he went into the first gift store he came across, purchased a Disney-designed jewelry box which looked large enough to hold the soul, and returned to Derleth. Once he was there he removed Julia’s shade from its hiding place beneath his mattress, carefully maneuvered it into the jewelry box, and magically hid the box somewhere beneath his clothing. Out of sight. Out of mind. Then he hurried down the stairs, taking them two and three at a time, and made his way back out into the walking paths of Derleth proper. His intentions, of course, were to return directly to one of the parks. Or, at the very least, to his fancy suite which ought to have all manner of delicacies waiting for him when he arrived. He’d ordered everything on the room service menu because he deserved it. Especially after the drama of the last few weeks. He’d also put in a request for a massage from one of the hotel’s private masseuses at the downstairs spa. It was supposed to come with a manicure and pedicure as well. And while that wasn’t really necessary, Loki could always use magic to perfect his appearance, he was looking forward to the personal attention. It was impossible to get any when one shared a bedroom with someone else. He was halfway across down the path which skirted the edge of the former Green, now wilderness forest, at the center of campus, when he caught sight of that robotic armed bore. Loki clenched his teeth. He’d promised Fandral he wouldn’t start anything. And after his confrontation with Doctor Strange he really needed to keep on his better behavior. No jibes. No arguments. Don’t even talk to him. Maybe if he kept on walking Bucky would ignore him. That’s what heroes did, right? Refused to instigate? Loki picked up the pace. Bucky, for his part, was trying to ignore the self-proclaimed God with a Heart of Gold. It was all an act, one Loki was either running on the others, or one he'd even duped himself into. In either case, Bucky wanted nothing more to do with the raging narcissist. He just wanted to get back to his room, set up the new coffee maker tucked under his left arm, and find Shuri to get over to the Animal Kingdom before the next Pride of the Lion King show started. Which would be accomplished best by ignoring Loki. Which he did. Only rolling his eyes a little. To be fair, Loki probably would have kept on walking and stuck to his plan of staying out of Bucky’s way if Bucky hadn’t rolled his eyes at him. He couldn’t help it. Loki, hypocrite that he was, simply couldn’t stand being disrespected. He’d been made to feel small his entire life. And the lies he’d learned about himself made him feel even smaller. As did the battles lost. Then when he finally tried to do the right thing, he failed. Worse than that, he ended up here. Not Valhalla. Not the great hall of gods and warriors waiting to welcome him for falling in battle. No Allfather. No Frigga. Just Derleth. It enraged him, but he’d done well so far to control that rage. Because the people at Derleth who knew him kept their distance. Even with his taunts and barbs, they recognized that he was not entirely stable. True, none of them knew exactly where he was from in the timeline because Loki had held that close to his chest. Only Natasha had figured it out and confronted him about it. But she’d sworn not to tell anyone. She respected that it was Loki’s decision to keep his own secret. But he saw the way the others looked at him. The ones who’d seen Thor in the aftermath. And he knew they were waiting for him to snap. None of these reasons were good enough to explain why he couldn’t just keep his distance, but it was what it was. And once they were about to cross paths with each other, Loki shoved his shoulder into Bucky’s, hard. The return was instinctive and brutal, slamming his elbow into the kidney of his assailant before hooking his foot around theirs and pulling, following with a second blow to the lower back. Bucky swore under his breath, turned, and looked at Loki. "So much for your heart of gold," he said. "See, when all you're doing is playing nice to forget what an asshole you've been, that's not a change of heart. It's a change of clothes. You're just an asshole with good PR." Bucky reacted quicker than Loki had anticipated. Or perhaps he’d reacted exactly as Loki had anticipated. Perhaps Loki wanted someone to knock him around a bit. Someone to remind him that no matter how many good deeds he did it would never make up for all of the bad choices in his past. All of the mistakes. It was hard to tell and Loki probably wasn’t even certain he knew himself why he was behaving the way he was. But it wouldn’t have been out of the realm of possibility to think that he might have been looking for someone to punish him. Since he was incapable of truly punishing himself. Loki hit the ground just before Bucky whacked him on the back. He scrambled quickly to his feet. He could have used magic. He could have done what he’d done to so many others and disappeared in a flash, reappearing behind the other man’s back. But he didn’t. Instead he wiped off the front of his garments. It looked like a pretentious motion, but it was actually to check that the hidden jewelry box was still safely stowed beneath his jacket. “Well, at least I have a change of clothes as you call it. Instead of sulking like a wet rain cloud because I’m an asshole who can’t take a joke.” Loki shoved Bucky. Not very god-like of him, was it? But maybe he was simply taking it easy on Bucky. He did promise he wouldn’t cause trouble, after all. “You don’t have the right to judge me. We’re not in the same league. Not even close. You don’t have a sense of humor? Fine. You don’t believe me when I say I’ve changed? That’s your business. But if you don’t watch yourself I’ll put you in an eternal sleep. And I won’t feel bad about it either.” Which was a lie. But so were most of the things Loki said. Bucky took out his phone and sent a general message out, reading aloud as he wrote. "If I fall into another enchanted sleep, Loki just threatened to make it permanent." He added a photo of the angry-looking deity and posted it. "Maybe your new friends will See that you're still up to old tricks." Barnes looked at the man. "Your jokes are cruel. Malicious. Always putting yourself in the spotlight. And when someone pushes back, you call them humor less and say it's all a joke, couldn't possibly be your fault. But you're still the asshole who hurt someone. I was brainwashed and under someone else's control for decades of my life. A hundred people told me it wasn't my fault, wasn't me doing those things. I was just the weapon." Bucky shook his head. "You would never have needed the reassurance would you? Claimed “not my fault” from the start, 'no blood on these hands'.” He sneered. "You probably don't have nightmares over the things you've seen, the things you've done, The consequences of all your actions." Bucky rolled his eyes again. "And that's why you're not worth my time. Because until you own up to your shit, everything else is a lie.” He raised his hands to shoulder-level, careful of the coffee maker. "And I don't deal with liars." Loki watched as Bucky took out his phone, his face pursing into a worried frown. “What are you doing?” Paranoia was the name of the game. And when Bucky took his photo, Loki knew he’d gone too far. He cursed himself for being so foolish. So temperamental. So volatile and so easily aggravated by other people. Why didn’t he take Fandral’s advice? Why didn’t he simply keep his thoughts (and his hands) to himself? Why did everything have to be a fight he was destined to lose? Why couldn’t he just be normal? And then Bucky said it. He said everything Loki had been waiting for someone to say. He hadn’t expected it from this man. From Stark, perhaps. Or Darcy. Or one of the many Captain Americas. Hell, for a time he thought Natasha might be the one to break the hard reality to him, but she didn’t. Still, it was inevitable. He knew that. And he’d been biding his time for the moment when someone finally called him out on the things he’d done. And on the person he was. He ran that soliloquy over and over in his head. And now, hearing it aloud for the first time, it hurt just as much as he imagined it would. And Bucky wasn’t wrong. But he wasn’t right either. Loki did have blood on his hands. And he saw it clear as day. He also had nightmares. Every night without fail. Nightmares of the violence he’d committed on multiple worlds and of the pain he’d inflicted on people he loved. There wasn’t anything Bucky could say that was worse than what Loki already knew about himself. What he already felt. And yet, to hear it spoken to his face, caused a piece of him to snap off. “You don’t know anything about me,” Loki said, his voice harsh and a tad more raspy than normal. There was a gleam in his eyes. Something halfway between anguish and hatred. He was a man conflicted over who he was and where he belonged in this new world. “You don’t know anything. None of you do. And how dare you assume you understand me! You know nothing! And you think brainwashing is an excuse? Who hasn’t used that logic to justify who they are? You think you’re the only one who had to do things against their will? You think you’re the only person who’s had to make sacrifices? I know what I’ve done. I know why I did it. Can you say the same? Because if you can’t then don’t you dare lecture me. I might be a liar, but at least I know when I lie.” "No one knows anything about you because you never tell the same story twice.” Bucky rolled his eyes again. "You hide behind this invincible god persona, then cry about wanting friends. And no, being brainwashed is no excuse for what I did, but you know what? I've been trying. Going to therapy. taking steps and doing the work to take responsibility for what I did. The people I killed. And there was a good long while in there where the only thing keeping me from putting a bullet in my own brain was this one memory, one image of someone who would hurt if I did that. And I couldn't bring myself to hurt anyone else.” Bucky shook his head. "I don't understand you, Loki. I don't care enough to want to try. I'm just explaining all the shit I've been through to show how your idea that "saying I'm good now means I'm good" is fucking offensive.” He turned to leave, flashing a 'V' over his shoulder. For the first time in a long time, Loki didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t speechless, he was simply uncertain of how to respond. All of the options that came to him — all of the phrases he wanted to lash out with — wouldn’t change anything. Least of all, they wouldn’t improve his situation. Because at the end of the day, Bucky was right. He was a liar. He was a villain. And all of the so-called friendships he made could be torn apart by the testimony of a good man. Of a hero. Loki didn’t know if Bucky was that man or if he had that sway among the people of Midgard. Among the heroes, in particular. But Loki didn’t want to risk it. It had been difficult enough getting to where he was now. If he was set back, he didn’t know what he’d do. And his chance for resolving the situation was walking away from him. Quickly. Loki’s mind was frantic. He had to make a decision. He had to choose what he wanted. The upper hand, the last word, or the lasting impression. Did he want to feel power and control over one man or did he want to continue building what he’d started? Did he want to be the same old Loki? A man no one trusted and no one respected. A man without friends. Or did he want to be something better? Something greater than himself? Something he could finally be proud of. “Wait!” Loki jogged up to Bucky, cutting him off on the path. “Don’t share that. Whatever it is you wrote.” Loki’s brows furrowed. And then with great difficulty he said a word he very rarely used. “Please.” Bucky frowned. He looked at Loki, then picked up his phone again, changing the post to a locked one for Sam and Steve. "It's not public. But if I fall asleep again, it will be.” He looked into the trickster's eyes. "I don't give second chances lightly. But whatever it was that compelled you to stop me and ask me that? Listen to it more." The phone went back into his pocket. "Maybe if you tried telling someone the truth, you'd find that others can understand. If you give them a chance." Loki stared back at Bucky. He didn’t trust this one-armed man. But that was probably fair as it was clear that Bucky didn’t trust him either. He did hope, however, that Bucky hadn’t made his message public. Whatever it was. Not because Loki didn’t want to be seen as the bad guy. He didn’t lie when he said he knew what he was. He knew he wasn’t good. He knew he was the villain in the eyes of most of the people on Midgard. And of most of the people here at Derleth, too. At least the ones who remembered him from before. The ones who remembered New York. But Loki didn't want certain people to see he’d made a mistake. He didn’t want Natasha to change her mind about their friendship. Because it was a friendship he felt very strongly about, despite how new it was. She was a connection he never thought he’d have. She understood him in ways not even Thor could understand him. Circumstances had brought them together. And he didn’t want to lose her. He also didn’t want to lose Fandral. Fandral was his only tie to home. To Asgard. To his past before he became a menace among the Nine Realms. And Fandral believed in him when Loki didn’t believe in himself. And Julia, a woman he couldn’t even pretend to understand. He didn’t even know if she really liked him. He didn’t know if they were really friends. But he felt a deep and conflicted desire to impress her. He wanted to be liked by her. By others, as well. And he’d just given Bucky the power to ruin all of that. Because Loki was foolish and self-centered. Because he didn’t think before he acted. But Bucky didn’t need to know that. No one did. “Yeah. Sure. I’ll keep that in mind.” |