a letter mailed in to the editor's office in typical ransom note style.
Editor,
WASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUPPPPPPP!!!!!! It's your pal D-to-the-pool here, weighing in on that "The Cure Now Cause for Alarm" piece the other day. Errrrrmmmm, Ex-Squeeze-Me? Reee-hee-heaaallly? They think that mutants should at least register like sex offenders? To quote Seth Myers... "REALLY?!" Now don't get me wrong, I've seen that the horrors that a mutant can do. They eat babies, shoot fire from their clitoral hoods and indoctrinate our kids to communism. But that don't mean we should have them register!! If we want to pick apart this sperm-dumpster's message, then I'm gonna get my conversation hat on.
He/She, aw nerts I'm just gonna call it a SHIM. So SHIM singles out the sex offender program run by the gov'ment. Not a bad program indeed. So easy to circumcise. Err...circumferential? circumvent? Easy to get around! I haven't had to register yet and my sexual appetites would make your skin crawl!
Fun Fact: I get off on making your skin crawl.
Now what should we do about the mutant menace you ask? Clearly they're dangerous; There is no doubt about that. But we can't go around making them register like they are common criminals. What if we just genetically engineer them to give 'em bigger sweater meat? Or we could shrink their voice boxes? Or one of your lovely readers could forward me the money to take out this 'concerned parent' douche that is polluting our papers with their message of hate. That is a waste of ink that is better spent on word jumbles and cross words. BRING BACK MARMADUKE!