Apologies for the late posting tonight!

Title: Hit over the Head
Author: amyriadfthings
Recipient: wildepet
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Dr.Hase in the main roles, have a surprise flirt as well.
Summary: Great Fuckery has been going on in fictional Essen. Maybe or maybe not unconnected to that, Roman and Axel wake up in a mysterious place. With no memory of how they got there. All by themselves. Read about their struggle to regain control of the situation. Or fail to do so. There might be crack.
Rating: PG-13? there is.. um.. double entendre.
Warning(s): except for 1-2 drops of blood, those with lotion phobia might want to shield their eyes.
Word Count: ~ 3300
Author's Notes: Thanks mods for various extensions! I love my recipient and my beta! This was so much fun.. let me collapse now. HAPPY HOFEST!!!






*** Part one: Confusion ***

Fantasies are not what they used to be," Roman thought and groaned. He wasn't sure if he was still dreaming or if bad yogurt cultures had twisted his mind for good. A heavy weight on his legs told him that whatever was happening was undeniably real.

He looked down, only to find Axel drooling on his general crotch region, happily snoring away while cradling his right thigh.

"Lovely", Roman mumbled, a bemused smile on his lips. A quick glance around did not tell him much of his whereabouts, a blueish gray fog inexplicably blurred his view of the rest of the room. If it was a room.

With two fingers he gently removed a lock of Axel's hair from his sleeping face. It felt real enough, too. Time for some important questions.

"Schatz. Axel! I hate to interrupt your sweet slumber, darling, but..." A massive gray object in close vicinity to his head suddenly caught Roman's attention. He slowly turned his face to have a proper look. "An anvil? What the hell..." was all he could say before Axel's first stirring distracted him. His friend shifted heavily on his legs, moving his face even closer to Roman's crotch but staying firmly asleep at that.

So, an anvil. What a strange thing to find in a place like this!

Wait... what was that place exactly? How had they gotten here? What events had led to him and Axel ending up on the floor together, entangled, sleeping, crotch-drooling? Maybe the other person involved had answers. He had better, otherwise they'd just be two clueless guys lying on the ground together and what good could possibly come from that?

Ideas came to mind. Maybe he had just been drooled on a little too long.

"Axel! Wake up! You're making my pants all wet. As much as we both know you're secretly daydreaming about that all the time while you're sitting at your desk crunching awfully dry numbers, it is really not the time nor place for tender moments like that, seeing we are god knows where and my memory is as blank right now as the expression on your lifeless face."

That seemed to do the trick. Axel stirred once, grunted twice, jerked, opened his eyes wide, and started flailing about while simultaneously trying to get his legs under control to get away from Roman's lap. He failed to do so for a highly entertaining five seconds. Roman looked on, making sure not to assist in any way. "Trying to get away from my penis, Schatz? Now that hurts."

"Grin.. off your face.. damnit..." were the first coherent words the newly awakened doctor could form.

"Pants." Roman pointed to the wet spot, and at Axel's quizzically raised eyebrow added:
"The least thing you can do is dry off where you drooled on me." The resulting look told Roman he would have to do it himself.

"Anyway, where are we and why are we here?" Roman asked Axel, who had gotten to his knees and was starting to investigate the anvil Roman had eyed before.

"Huh? What do I know, Mr. Wild. Surely you don't expect me to know anything about these shady and highly questionable surroundings? There is an anvil. Why is there an anvil, Mr. Wild"

"Axel, can't you get over yourself and drop the 'Mr.' already? I promise, there is not even anyone around who would notice." Roman stepped closer, but Axel suddenly reached out and pulled him down to his side, silently pointing at the steely gray monster of an anvil before them.

"True Love" Roman read out loud from the side that faced him. Now, that was odd.

They both jumped just seconds later, when the sudden sound of deep, repeated thumps resonated off walls hidden somewhere in the fog. Weirdly enough, Roman found the thumps seemed to resonate inside him as well. He noticed Axel had gripped his arm. The thumping stopped.

Their eyes met in the silence that fell. A sort of... expectant silence, Roman found. He put his hand on Axel's, as much to reassure him as to have someone to hold on to himself. Something seemed to glue their lips together for a painfully long time and muffle any words that could form.

"What... what was that?" croaked the doctor finally. Roman shook his head. Axel leaned closer. "Bad plot..." he whispered, still keeping a firm grip on Roman's arm.

"What?" Roman searched Axel's face for further explanation.

Pale and with wide eyes, yet oddly determined all of a sudden, Axel got to his feet and pulled Roman up with him. "We have to get out of here!" His tone was urgent.

Roman found his speech again. "We don't even know what or where 'here' is, how do we know where to go, or how to leave... this place?" He didn't like the sound of his own voice at those words. Fear made it shaky. Shaking could make you trip and fall. He knew that from experience.

"I cannot fall." Roman mumbled to himself.

"Why not?" Suddenly he found Axel standing within inches of his face. "Just let it happen, it is what we both want, isn't it?" His voice seemed unnaturally soft and alluring to Roman, and now he was even taking his face in his hands, moving in with his body, lowering his face to Roman's, closer and closer while keeping his eyes fixed on Roman's lips as if he was magnetically drawn to them, and finally he was about to...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MAKE IT STOP, MR. WILD, IT IS STARTING ALREADY!"

Roman came around with a jerk, leaving the trance-like state he only now realized he had been in. Completely baffled, he shoved Axel back and shook him lightly, but did not let go of his arms.

"Axel? What was that?" He kept Axel fixed in front of him, trying to sound stern and calm at the same time. Really Roman was getting more and more anxious about their obscure situation. Still, there was no way he could pass up that opportunity. "If that was your idea of showing me how you really feel about me, kudos. I must say, you really like taking matters in your own hands, don't you, doctor?"

Still quite rattled, Axel made a physical effort to regain an upright posture, stiffening under Roman's hands and finally shaking them off. "Clearly, Mr. Wild, you are currently failing to notice what is going on here!"

Roman took a deliberate step forward and said in a deep, teasing voice: "So, explain it to me, then!" He cocked his head back and looked at the doctor as if to dare him to do just about anything to him he had ever fantasized about. Axel's alarmed expression and sharp intake of breath told him something was wrong. Again.

He snapped out of it. It was harder this time.

In the quick wordless conversation that passed between them over the next few seconds, Roman and Axel decided it was time to get out of this uncanny place before worse things could happen. Like rolling around on the floor making out with each other. And besides, the blue-gray fog was unnerving after a while.

Unsure where to turn first, each of them took a few hesitant steps in different directions into the fog, but stumbled back immediately, colliding with each other in the perceived middle of the yet-to-be-defined surroundings.

"AAAAAAAH!!!" Roman let out a yell of frustration.

"ALRIGHT!!" Axel yelled back at him, grabbing him by the shoulders, "We can do this, do you hear me? We can escape this madness, together, if we just... keep... calm! And stay together. Yes. That seems the most reasonable approach to me, so we must, under all circumstances, stay close to each other, but not... lose... control. Understood?"

Roman nodded. And pounced. Violently clinging to the doctor's neck and waist, grinding with all he had, he took Axel's breath right out of his mouth before it could enter his lungs.
Noises of protest hardly had a chance of escaping at all, so they might as well not be happening in the first place. Right?

A minute or two later, they broke apart almost as violently as they had come together.

"Alright" panted Roman, "not gonna lose control, no. Just a little slip-up. Should we be leaving then?"

After adjusting his tie Axel searched his pockets for a tissue to stop the bleeding at the right side of his lower lip. "Yes. The fog seems to be clearing up, anyway. Might as well be on our way!"

A tiny pink bunny scampered across the room in front of them. It had appeared out of nowhere. "Will you follow me? It is what you both want, really," it said.

"Pink bunnies don't exist." Roman argued convincingly, so that was that.


*** Passage ***

They watched the minuscule bunny hurry out of sight, its tiny feet leaving a trace of pink glitter in the air. Axel shook his head, but the image stayed... well, as long as the glitter lingered, at least.

Axel felt a nudge in his ribs. "Ouw! What?" He followed Roman's finger, which was indicating the spot in the darkness where the bunny had just disappeared. A few specks were still floating in midair , mysteriously sparkling even though there was no exterior source of light.

"Look!" Roman said. He pointed at something beyond the glitter. As Axel looked closer he saw what his friend meant. There was a path! Or at least... something other than fog.

"After you, Mr. Wild!" In an attempt to return to familiar ground, Axel put on his best smug face and motioned Roman to lead them into the unknown.

Roman rolled his eyes. "Stay close behind me. If you dare..."

He took a first determined step forward... but stopped abruptly and let Axel bump into him.

"Remember, it's really important to stay close together," he said, leaning back against his friend. "At all times..." Turning his head sideways, he shot Axel an exaggeratedly suggestive look, adding "Dr. ... Steinkamp ... Schwarz."

The push that followed moved them forwards.

After a few feet, their ominous surrounding decided to reveal themselves a bit more. The all-encompassing blue-gray fog receded.

They could see that they were now in a vast hall with a ceiling they could not yet make out in detail. They could make out some very large pipes high above. They were bulky, leaky, had bumps in them, and generally gave the impression of grubby, dirty age. "Maybe this is where the ..." Roman hesitated, "... thumping sound came from earlier." He had meant to use a different word, but it seemed a silly thing to say out loud.

He noticed Axel had put his hand over his heart.

"What do you think this place is?" Roman asked, trying to get a more thorough look at it by moving around Axel in little circles... pirouettes, almost.

"Mr. Wild. Mr. ... Mr. Wild! Stop that, you're making me dizzy."
Roman stopped in front of him. "Am I, Axel?"

Axel shot him an annoyed look and shoved him out of the way. "If we want to get out of here, we'd better go about it the right way. With common sense."

A small blue fairy the size of a fist flew by their heads, cackling.

"Come on, my dear doctor. Let's check out where the fairy came from." Roman took Axel by the hands and dragged him onwards. The hall so far hadn't offered any information or passages to other rooms, so tracing back the odd little creature's origin really seemed the logical next step.

Axel followed Roman, momentarily unable to put up resistance. He did, however, withdraw his hands from Roman's and continue by himself, keeping the distance to a few steps.

Suddenly the smell of coffee wafted past them and made them zigzag off their straight track. Coffee couldn't be a bad sign, surely.

Sniffing the air, forgetting about the fairy (or common sense), they were drawn towards a corner of the hall that lay in the dark. More of the blue-gray fog lingered here. Almost as if to conceal something from sight.

Roman and Axel approached the corner with caution.

The smell was definitely strongest here. They knelt down. There seemed to be a draft close to the ground, and a crack was quickly identified. They scrambled for the tight spot, poking around with their fingers until one of them found an opening. With much bickering and more shoving, Axel managed to hook his fingers into the crack.

Whether it was Axel pulling or Roman pushing, or the general commotion that could only have been caused by the exciting scent of coffee, the crack suddenly opened. Wide.

The wall wasn't solid! It could be pushed back rather easily by Axel's fingers, which; had they taken the time to think about it, should have been impossible.

This development caused a new scramble. Who knew coffee could have that kind of effect?

Roman and Axel dived down at once into the newly opened hole in the wall. What would they see once they emerged on the other side?

There'd better be coffee.


*** The next room ***

Tumbling down further than expected, Roman and Axel crashed to the tiled ground in one noisy tangle of limbs. The tearing of fabric was involved.

Let's give them a second to calm down.

"See what you did, Mr. Wild? This suit is brand new! I can basically throw it away now!"

Might as well give them another moment.

"Ruined. You ruined it! Why do you always have to ruin everything? Suits, relationships... Is there anything you can do right?"

"Whoa, whoa, just a second there, Axel..." Roman began, but stopped. He had noticed a deadly pale, bleach-blonde guy looking on from a bathtub.

"Do go on!" he addressed them. "You two are the most entertaining thing that happened here all day. All week, really. The lack of plot has been quite dreadful recently." Spike splashed around lasciviously in his tub.

Roman noticed that this was where the scent of coffee came from.

"You're bathing in coffee?" he asked.

"Latte" replied Spike. "Good for the skin. And my favorite variation of coffee, by far."

"And is there anything else you're doing around here other than enjoying your Latte?" Roman inquired, cocking his head and stepping towards the tub. Axel rolled his eyes.

"Being a guard is my 'official position,' if you will. Death is really not what it used to be." Spike stretched extensively. He looked Roman up and down. "Fancy a bath?"

"What are you guarding?" Roman sat down on the rim of Spike's tub and started to dabble in the Latte.

"Look around," Spike gestured vaguely, "it's not that hard to figure out, really."

Roman got up and started wandering around the simple yet luxurious bathroom. With a suspicious glance back at the vampire he asked: "You don't seem to take your post as a guard very seriously, if you just tell everyone who stops by to look around for what you're supposed to keep safe."

"So?" Spike managed to sound particularly bored at this. "The two ditzy cows who hired me for this job are really extraordinarily ditzy. All I have to do is get naked in front of them and use this glitter lotion." He pointed at a large bottle. "It's pathetic! No idea how much longer I can keep up this freak show. But the coffee is excellent."

As Roman ambled past the tub, Spike's hand slid up his inner thigh. "Sure you don't want to join me?"

"Mr. Wild, I suggest you focus your attention less on the bloodsucker and more on the mysterious, very secret room back here." Axel was standing behind Spike's tub, in an open double door leading into said adjacent, dark room. Spike shrugged, not very alarmed.

"Mr. Glitter Lotion here is guarding a measly Christmas tree, by the look of it." Axel sneered and pointed ahead.

Roman appeared swiftly at his side. "You don't say."

He ducked under Axel's arm and entered the small chamber.


*** The scripts ***

It was almost completely dark. The little tree emitted a radiant green glow, but failed to brighten the room much. It became gloomy only a few inches around it.

It stood on some kind of chest, and the decoration consisted of a single string of Christmas lights and... Roman stepped closer. Fairy wings?

He squinted.

And was almost hit in the face. They weren't fairy wings, they were live fairies sitting in the tree! They were the same kind as the one that had flown past he and Axel earlier. And one of them had now almost poked him in the eye, when it fluttered to another branch.

Axel stooped next to Roman. "What is that?"

"A Christmas tree with fairies." Roman answered.

"No, I mean underneath. You have to learn to look beyond the obvious, Mr. Wild."

Roman looked up. He cocked his head a little and narrowed his eyes as if he saw his friend for the first time.

Axel cleared his throat, "Right. Should we take a look at that chest thing then?"

"Yes, definitely. How do we..." Roman fumbled around the lid in the semi-darkness.
Somehow they managed to open it together. "Hold the tree for a second?" Roman pushed it
into Axel's hands, who held it like a torch over the open chest.

They bent over it.

Folders. Dozens and dozens of folders. Some dusty and faded, others looking new.

"What are they?" Roman asked. Axel had already taken one out. He glanced inside, then started reading. He didn't say a word. Roman picked one himself.

The sound of splashing and barefooted steps on the tiles told them that Spike had left his tub. Roman turned around and saw him standing in the doorway.

"It's the great betrayal. The grand fuckery of epic proportions. It's just not right." Spike's verdict sounded well thought-out.

"You've seen this!" Roman said. - "Yeah, they are..."

Spike was interrupted by Axel: "... the good scripts. This is where they're keeping all the good scripts. The really good ones, and even the mediocre ones with only the second best scenarios. Unbelievable!" Axel sounded shocked.

Roman stood up straight. "You know what this means, right?" The other two looked at him.
"We will steal all of them?" asked Spike.

"Yes. And you have to help us get them out of here. We seem to be having a minor problem with amnesia and we have no idea how we got here," explained Roman, while starting to collect scripts in his arms.

"No problem!" claimed Spike, "I've been waiting for this day." With a grand gesture, he produced bags from behind his bare back. "The old days of poker are paying off. Except for some cat hair, they're clean." He threw them one each and they started packing.

"Do the ditzy cows ever come down here to check on you?" Roman asked.
"Rarely," replied Spike, "Besides, I know how we can get out of here untouched. They will stare and salivate a lot if they spot us, but we will walk free."

Roman looked at him quizzically. Spike grabbed his bottle of glitter lotion.

"Undress. Both of you."


*** P.S. ***

They made it. They were naked and sparkling as they emerged from the shrubbery, but they had retrieved all the scripts.

Spike vanished the second they got out. He mumbled something about new job opportunities and an open invitation for future bathing fun times.

Roman and Axel hastily dressed in a safe corner of the park by the Center. They had found an inconspicuous bench.

Before they went on their separate ways, each one equipped with one half of the scripts, Roman grabbed Axel by the arm. "Listen, should one of us regain his memory, about what happened before we woke up in that... place..."

"I know," Axel interrupted him, "he will leave a subtle graffiti message for the other one to see."

Roman nodded. He turned around and was about to leave, when...

"See you tomorrow at the Center then, Roman!" Axel called after him.

Roman smiled. "See you tomorrow, Axel."




*** Maybe possibly to be continued or prequel'd ***

*** THE END FOR NOW ***