ohmigod.

*breathes very carefully because I've kinda forgotten how while reading*

Oh god. Congratulations, Mystery Author, you have broken me. In the best possible way.

OMG OMG OMG. I think that is seriously the best piece of Dark Years fic I have ever read (and not just because most people just never bother tackling the Dark Years, lol). Holy crap. I can't believe how in 2200 words, you've put in such merciless, knife-sharp, gorgeous detail all the reasons they were wrong for each other then, all the ways it was ludicrous, hopeless, totally messed beyond belief. The way you've crawled inside their heads and laid it all out is SO AWESOME IT'S CREEPY. ohmigod.

Roman's bitterness and protectiveness and not wanting to feel protective but being unable to help it - the way he wanted "so badly to be enough", the way he can tell that Deniz is actually shite at lying (SO TRUE, LOLOL, HOW DID THAT BOY EVER FOOL ANYONE??) but doesn't want to notice it - god, that hurts so much and is so spot on. So self-aware, so aware of what the issues are, and so completely incapable of fixing any of them. OMG Roman *hugs him silly*

And and and, but the Deniz part, OMFG. Words can't describe how much I love what you've done with it. Starting with the encounter with the random guy - the pounce, the desperate need, the flight, the frantic trying to convince himself that it's women he wants BECAUSE IT'S NORMAL, DAMMIT - the comparisons between the shallow, careless encounters with girls and how things were with Roman... dude, you made me cry over something that happened hundreds of eps ago. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, LOL.

Seriously, though. I AM IN AWE. I would be bouncing if I wasn't frozen to my chair all gaping and hurty (AGAIN, IN A GOOD WAY). So little of anything that went on with Deniz made any sense while it was airing, and while a lot became a lot clearer in retrospect, this fic is basically WHAT WAS FUCKING MISSING. omg.

There's so much bitter, acidic, perfect loveliness here I just want to quote the whole thing at you and spazz over it, but it I had to pick one part that breaks me the most, it's this:

It wasn’t that he didn’t like it. It was that he did; that he liked the feeling of being loved but knew that he wasn’t worth it, that at some point, just as it always had been, it would be taken away, given to someone more worthy. He didn’t want to like it; didn’t want to want it. Didn’t want to love Roman back; didn’t know how.

THIS. THIS, RIGHT THERE. Oh Deniz, why do you rock the hardest when you're fucked seven ways to hell! lololol. *HUGS*

Tell you a secret, or not so much of one - I never understand when people say they hate this era of Show. Hating the initial DeVa, I get. But this, the messy place, the in-between moments of longing and twistedness, that period of constantly attracting and repelling each other without wanting to, of being aware perfectly well on some level that they aren't right for each other, perhaps never will be... dude, it's one of my favourite periods of Show. And I'm completely IN AWE at how well you've captured and spun into words those feelings and motivations that canon never bothered to address in any way that made sense. AND YOU MADE THEM MAKE SENSE. God. IDK who you are but I love you to bits.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! This fic is utterly brilliant and I completely adore it!!