InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Resonance!"

Zoe (history_repeats) wrote in nevermore_logs,
@ 2012-10-06 09:01:00

Current music:	Maroon 5 - How
Entry tags:	greed, zoe hansen

WHO: Greed & Zoe
WHEN: Backdated last Tuesday night
WHERE: Zoe's apartment
WHAT: Can we talk?
WARNING: Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear

The apartment was dark, the only light on in Zoe's bedroom, her door closed. The place was too empty and quiet and she tried to convince herself that she wanted to be alone right now anyways. Zoe was in her jammies of PJ bottoms and a tank top and she sat on her messy bed with a book in her lap, only occasionally stopping to make notes. She was trying to keep her mind off things. She'd turned her phone off since the day before, since.. it happened. She didn't know what would be worse, hearing Greed's excuse or finding out she didn't have any messages from him at all. Both scenarios were pretty bad so she just left the blasted thing off.

Her morning with Patience had drained her and left her more confused and upset than ever. She tried hard to not let what he was saying get to her but she knew it did. And she couldn't even ask Greed about it because he was God knows where.. who cared, he wasn't here. She felt like an idiot.

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better_than
2012-10-07 04:49 pm UTC (link)

"I feel like Chinese food. Fucking love eggrolls." He said letting her cuddle him like a puppy. He tucked his chin on her head. "You smell nice." It was kind of disgusting how good someone could smell. Meanwhile he smelled of burgers and fries with Sloth's pot. As long as she didn't drudge up the real issue he could remain his bubbly self. He didn't want to think about the dark places or Patience. He wanted this thing with her to still be his secret.

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history_repeats
2012-10-07 08:00 pm UTC (link)

Zoe closed her eyes, just wanting to push the real world back for another minute. "You smell... like a college dorm." she wrinkled her nose and pulled back a little to look at him.

But looking at him was a mistake because now she couldn't stop thinking about what Patience said and she didn't want to believe it. Not Greed. He wasn't good but he wasn't.. he wasn't some monster. Was he..?

Something else had been bugging her, "Does.. Freddie know what you are..?" and she felt ridiculous asking since she still didn't fully believe him.

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	better_than 2012-10-07 11:11 pm UTC (link)
	"Been hanging out with Sloth all day. You smell burgers and pot." He chuckled watching her nose crinkle. He crinkled his own nose mimicking her like a mirror. As soon as she voiced that question his face soured. "Freddie is a Virtue. He's known me as long as we've been alive. Fucking bastard." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	history_repeats 2012-10-07 11:17 pm UTC (link)
	Zoe nodded and kept nodding, her eyes closing not out of understanding but just.. that was a lot to process. Besides, she didn't want to look at him as she asked her next question, "Was he lying about you..?" her arms still tight around him as if he'd disappear. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	better_than 2012-10-08 12:05 am UTC (link)
	"What about me?" He said defensively. Patience would always make him look bad. He was bothered that whatever Patience had thrown her way had some sticking power, more of a reminder what he didn't. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

history_repeats
2012-10-08 12:25 am UTC (link)

Zoe let her arms drop from him, keeping her gaze lowered so she was looking at his chest instead of his face. "That you're controlling. Really controlling. Selfish. You're a bad influence. That.. that girl you guys both liked was trying to get away from you."

She swallowed, feeling her throat tighten, "And.. he makes it seem like you don't like me.. that you're just using me."

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better_than
2012-10-08 01:13 am UTC (link)

He wasn't smiling, his whole demeanor was heavy. Greed didn't talk about this. He hadn't even confided in Lust everything that had gone down with Josie and Patience. It still stung.

"I am controlling. I can be. I can take away free will if I want. It's like a domino effect. Once I've started..." He turned from her. It was still a sore spot. "Josie ran from me and I chased her. I wanted...." He didn't like talking about this. "I wanted to have it. A friend. A companion."

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history_repeats
2012-10-08 01:31 am UTC (link)

Patience was such a tool. Zoe didn't see a monster, she saw someone who was hurting. She wasn't thrilled to hear his answer but his pain became the most important thing at the moment.

She slowly reached out and touched his arm, "You do now." and who'd have thought that it was by letting her make her own choice that she'd choose him.

She slid her hand down his arm and slipped it into his, intertwining their fingers, "Can you.. tell me about Josie?" she wasn't asking in a sad way, it was almost like.. she wanted him to remember something good about the girl amidst the sea of sadness he was drowning in.

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better_than
2012-10-08 03:00 am UTC (link)

He didn't respond to her touch, but he knew it was there. "She was so pretty," he said it possessively, almost in an eerie way, especially when the corners of his mouth turned up. "Gorgeous eyes, silvery blonde hair." He'd had to have her. He'd picked her. "I'd been on my own for years," so long from Lust and Gluttony that he craved--no demanded companionship."She had nothing. I convinced her to leave with me. I made her love me."

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	history_repeats 2012-10-08 03:04 am UTC (link)
	It was a little.. disturbing listening to him, for more reasons than one. But she stayed with him, "Why her...? There are lots of beautiful girls, she must have been something special. How did you meet her?" There was one other thing that he said that didn't sit well with her but she chose to not say anything right now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

better_than
2012-10-08 03:12 am UTC (link)

"She was everything I wasn't. Honest. Sweet. She could love and I knew it. Once her family was out if the picture, she could be with me." Shouldn't a Sin know what it was like, especially a Sin that needed everything. "I tried...I tried...I tried...I TRIED." His voice got heavier, darker even and he pulled away, running his hands over his face. He could feel tears prick his eyes, but Sins weren't built to cry--but he still could. Just as he had that day.

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	history_repeats 2012-10-08 03:25 am UTC (link)
	Zoe was a little scared but she was incredibly worried about Greed. After a moment, she moved in front of him and slowly took his hands in hers, "C'mere.." she said softly and pulled him the couple of feet to the sofa so they could sit for this conversation. She dropped one hand but kept one and asked him again in that soft voice, "Tried what..?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	better_than 2012-10-08 03:35 am UTC (link)
	"To figure it out. To have what I don't have...the thing only Virtues know." He clenched his empty hand as if he'd grabbed something and was clinging to it. "Love." He'd actually played it so well he'd started to believe he could. "And then she jumped. Chose death over me," and he was angry. He was angry he hadn't made the choice to let go first. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

history_repeats
2012-10-08 04:02 am UTC (link)

Zoe put her hand over Greed's clenched fist, "She didn't choose death over you.. she chose her freedom." she gently worked on prying his hand open, but very gently, not using force at all, "Virtues, from what I've seen, don't know love any better than sins. And you wanna know a secret?" she leaned in conspiratorially, "Us humans still haven't figured it all out either."

She still worked on his hand and said, "Chance.. what Josie had for you," and she knew that it could be difficult to hear but it had to be said, "That wasn't love. Love is a choice.. but it's not a choice." She frowned, she didn't know how to describe it and wasn't explaining it very well. She looked at the cookies on a plate on the table. She'd been baking earlier. She let go of his hand that she'd been working on and grabbed a cookie and showed it to him, "I have this cookie. And you want this cookie, okay?" she took a small bite out of it to show it was hers. "If you trick me into giving you this cookie, if you force me to give it to you, scare me into giving it to you, you'll have it. This cookie will be yours. But it won't taste as good or as real.." she took the cookie and slowly placed it in his open hand, "..as me giving you the cookie.. because I want you to have it." she had no idea if that made sense to him at all but she hoped it did.

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better_than
2012-10-08 05:26 am UTC (link)

She made her explanation simple, like a child's explanation. It was effective because ninety percent of the time Greed played that role. He watched that cookie like a lifeline. It didn't make him feel any better because he would never not want to have even what he wasn't allowed. But she had it. She had him because she wanted him.

"You want me all to yourself and I didn't do it." That was why he felt nauseated when she kissed him. It hit like a truck to feel unwanted like Josie had by the end. "She killed herself." It as decades on top of decades of unspoken hurt. He for the first time knew he'd caused it. It wasn't Patience. It was him.

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history_repeats
2012-10-08 05:40 am UTC (link)

Well it was some small relief to hear that he didn't force her to want him. Small relief because it meant her insanity in caring for him was her own and she could blame no one else.

Zoe put an arm around him and wished she could tell him it wasn't his fault but it was. "She did it to get her will back. She wanted to make a choice that was hers." which is what she'd tried to tell Patience, Josie didn't get a choice in being with Greed, he forced her and when she had a chance, she ran. Greed had given Zoe the choice, and because of that, she chose to stay.

"I know it's hard. Trust me, I know what it's like to want something so badly and know you're not going to get it. It sucks and it makes us do crazy things because we just want that suckiness to go away. We want to believe that maybe we can have it." she was not being very articulate at all..

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better_than
2012-10-08 03:24 pm UTC (link)

This honesty thing gave him back more than he'd imagined. It was a helpful trick, confiding in others with this result. "I don't always force, sometimes its just a seed of an idea, a whisper, a touch, but you saw me first. You opened the door before I did."

He shook his head. "Your want is not like my want. I would kill myself to get what I wanted." He would run himself ragged and still keep going. Once his grip was around it, there was no giving it back unless he absolutely didn't want it anymore...and that just didn't happen very often. Humans were toys, they broke after a little bit of rough play. "Josie wore out...but I held on tight."

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history_repeats
2012-10-08 03:45 pm UTC (link)

Honesty really was the best trick that wasn't a trick. Zoe was surprised but happy to hear that Greed hadn't influenced her even a whisper and she couldn't help but smile a little.

She rubbed his arm and said slowly, "Did Josie wear out... because you held on tight?" thinking back to Patience saying he was controlling and one other thing, "Freddie said you take without giving back.." and if Greed had forced Josie then it was understandably that the girl was simply sucked dry.

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	better_than 2012-10-08 03:53 pm UTC (link)
	"I wanted to keep her longer. I liked her. I think..." Not even Lust knew this, "I think I'd started to believe I could love so I kept on holding on. When she jumped...I..." He'd run. He'd been so stunned all he could do was run and drown himself in his own hole. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	history_repeats 2012-10-08 03:59 pm UTC (link)
	Zoe stayed close to him and kept rubbing his arm, it was heartbreaking to hear him. "You what..?" she gently asked. She had a feeling that he really hadn't even admitted these things to himself. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	better_than 2012-10-08 04:03 pm UTC (link)
	"I was lost. So I ran." He hadn't felt that before. So strongly. "I'd been away too long." Years upon years upon years without Lust or Glutt. He kept his eyes forward. "I hurt a lot of people then." He'd killed, he was a Sin, it didn't mean he always went that route. Josie had been different. Greed had been angry. "I'm not bad am I?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

history_repeats
2012-10-08 04:14 pm UTC (link)

Part of Zoe understood why Patience had been so horrified at her liking Greed of her own will. She.. didn't blame him. Maybe if it was someone else, she'd be judging them too. She was quiet and as much as she wanted to tell him no he wasn't, she wouldn't lie. "You're... not evil." which is what Patience had implied. "You've done bad things but.. I think 'Greed' is what you are, not.. who you are." because when she looked at him, she didn't see a Sin. She saw a person. And she wondered if maybe Greed never saw himself as a person.. if he only saw his namesake.

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