Mary Magdalene (gospel_of_mary) wrote in nevermore_logs, @ 2012-08-28 16:46:00 |
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Entry tags: | mary magdalene |
WHO: Mary Magdalene [narrative]
WHEN: 28th August
WHERE: Adirondack National Park, New York State
WHAT: Getting some distance.
When Mary walked into the wilderness this time, she had no intention of dying. Six months ago in the Judean Desert, her death had been an intentional thing even if she hadn't thought of it that way before it happened. Jesus Christ had fasted in that desert for forty-days, and it was in Mary's own blood to do the same. She'd ended her own mortal life this way: wandering in the wilderness, fasting and practicing acts of self-discipline that would bring her closer to God. That life had ended in rapture, but no other death had brought that.
She's planned it this time, making sure to have enough food to get her through two weeks in the wild. She didn't need much.
Already a week in, Mary could feel the changes within herself. Out here, doing nothing but walking and contemplating herself and the world, she felt quieter, more at peace. The prayers in her head were still there, but Mary could center them, could compartmentalise them. Her body sheered away all unnecessary flesh, turning everything it could into muscle to keep those legs going down whatever path Mary needed.
She spent long hours speaking to Jesus without ever expecting any answer back. Prayers weren't answered, not for saints, it seemed. So Mary just spoke out loud about how she was feeling, about the way she was seeing the world, about the confusion of belief. She complained about the person she was trapped as, the way belief had shaped her to be so many things - the fallen woman, the weeping penitent, the loyal apostle, the wife of Jesus - and how she could no more escape any of those roles than she could fully embody just one. Too many stories, too many women, and another decade would add more to it, she was sure.
Here without the constant troubles of those around her and the push of the millions in the city, Mary could truly breathe.
But Mary knew from experience she couldn't stay out here alone. While it soothed her for a time, loneliness crept in too heavily and drowned her heart. She needed mankind and their difficulties and their complications and their pain. She needed it just as much as she needed these times away from it all.
One more week and she'd return. One more week of silence and the true church of God, and then she might be whole again.