Daniel (danhoffman) wrote in neogenesisrpg, @ 2009-04-04 00:23:00 |
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Entry tags: | dan hoffman, jason song |
Who: Dan Hoffman, Jason Song.
What: Withdrawal symptoms.
When: Friday during the day.
Where: Dan's place.
Rating: G
Status: Complete
There was no incentive to work. Dan had sat staring at his screen for hours, but nothing amounted to anything. People needed help, he tried to give it, the government got in the way. It was cyclical and tiring and he was this close to throwing in the towel. Maybe that was what happened when the people you loved got hurt.
He pushed from the desk half-heartedly, welcoming thirst as an excuse to slip away. He could have asked Jason to get him a bottle of water from the fridge, but he didn't want to disturb him. It wasn't so much that he handled him with care as that he didn't know how to handle him. They had yet to talk about the Domestic Partnership registration and he didn't look forward to that conversation at all.
Jason heard Dan move from the computer, and briefly turned his attention from the tv to check where he was headed before he returned his head to the armrest of the couch. The channel was still fixed on the weather, as any attempt to give the semblance of normalcy was welcomed, though Jason was barely paying attention to it. He decided to turn the television off, effectively filling the room with silence.
The soft drone of the TV faded to silence and the whole apartment seemed to reverberate, like a hollow cavern with no one inside. Dan closed the fridge door and returned into the living room, giving his computer a wide berth. "No hurricanes coming our way?" he joked, aware that it fell flat, aware that it did nothing to fill the gap between them.
"Just clouds," Jason answered absently, the attempt at a joke not even registered with him. "Small chance for rain, flurries after sunset. Highs in the mid-forties, lows close to freezing, the south-southeast winds will shift to north-northeast." He had watched the report cycle through enough times that he had the details mesmerized word for word. It gave him something to focus on other than the pounding headache, and the uncontrolable shivering that was obscured by the comforter he wrapped himself in.
"You don't look so good," Dan pointed out as he came closer, water bottle in his lap. "Want me to get you anything?" He was shivering and looked feverish but it had been so long since Dan had had to care for anyone but himself that he felt entirely out of his depth. Still, he pressed closer, moving to cover one of Jason's knees with his hand. "What's wrong?"
"When I was there, they tested something on me, I don't know what," Jason admitted through gritted teeth, "whatever it was, made me feel better. Without it, this...this happens."
Now that he was out of the center, he no longer had access to whatever drug that was. As relieved as he was to be set free, part of him had dreaded the sickness that inevitably came.
Dan swallowed thickly. "They.. what? How could they? That's not. That's sick." People used as labrats. He hadn't expected them to sink so low and he'd seen Medina's body - or pictures of what remained.
"Do you need me to call a doctor? Gil's just down the hall--" He didn't know what to do and the horrible feeling of helplessness was back full force, gnawing at his insides.
"I agreed, I signed the forms, they said if I went through with it they'd let me go," as a sign of good faith, something he regretted now. "They said I might have withdrawal, but it won't kill me...and if it got too bad, I could always go back. That's not an option."
"No, it's not," Dan agreed quickly. "You're not going back there." As for his agreement, his signature, it didn't mean anything. It had been derived under coercion. A reasonable judge would rule in his favor, but there were no reasonable judges left and this would never go to court. "I can get you something to help you relax at least. Xanax has got to help."
"Okay, I'll try anything," Jason smiled weakly and nodded his consent. He knew that during the day Dan had his work, but at the moment the last thing he cared about was getting in the way. "Can you sit with me a little while?"
"Sure... I'll get you the pills and then we can lie down. If you'd like." He didn't wait for a reply, squeezing the other man's knee before letting go and wheeling out of the room. He opted for Xanax instead of Rivotril on purpose, loathe to instill addiction in his lover. Husband.
Instead of waiting for Dan to return Jason moved, comforter and all, out of the room. He stopped in the bathroom to splash his face several times with cold water. He barely lingered at the image of his drawn face reflected in the mirror, and made his way back into the hallway. Since the bedroom was closer, and the trek back to the couch seemed too long, he choose to head in that direction.
Dan heard him move and saw the end of the comforter trailing along the floor as Jason disappeared into the bedroom. At least, he thought, he was home. They could weather all else.
He moved into the bedroom after him, water and Xanax in his lap. "Okay, want me to lower the blinds?" It wasn't exactly sunny, but maybe the dark would help him sleep.
Jason sat on the edge of the bed and shook his head, after weeks of being kept in windowless rooms, being able to look outside was something he wasn't going to take for granted. "I love the view."
Dan nodded. They didn't have to do anything Jason didn't want. "Here," he held out the pills and reached to snap the cap off the water bottle. "If nothing else, you'll be able to sleep."
"Sleep will help," Jason took the pills and water, swallowing the pills and quickly finished off the entire bottle of water. He passed back the empty bottle before he stretched out on the bed still swaddled in the comforter. "I feel like I haven't slept in a year."
"You're exhausted, I don't blame you." After what he'd been through, it was amazing he wasn't any more traumatized that this. Dan moved to the other side of the bed and blocked the wheels. "Do you want to... talk about it?"
"I do, I don't want to keep it to myself," Jason answered after a long moment of silence, he wasn't hesitant about how he felt about it, he just struggled with putting it into words. "I can't pretend it didn't happen...I know I'm not the only one."
"There's no pressure," Dan reassured him, slipping an arm around his shoulders. They hadn't held each other in a long time. He missed it. "They took you off the street and they kept you without proper cause. What they did to you in there... it's got nothing to do with why you were apprehended."
"I know that, I just...I can't help but think if I did things differently, that not all of it would have happened." Jason said quietly, shifting closer to Dan as he tucked his head against his shoulder. "After awhile, I stopped caring...as long as I could see you and my family again."
"You didn't do anything to justify this," Dan defended, as though Jason needed his assurance. As though it could do any good. "She ran. That's all." He held him a little tighter. "I didn't know how to get your out of there. I kept hoping it was the serum, that you had somehow gotten infected. Once I knew where you were, I thought that's it. It's over. That I'd never see you again."
"They wouldn't let me talk to anyone, not my mom, not Jae-Mi, I didn't have any way to reach you. I didn't think I'd see any of you again, and that none of you would know what happened to me." Jason sighed deeply and closed his eyes. "Nothing I could say was good enough, they decided I was guilty. The only way they'd free me was an act of good faith...they let me go, eventually."
"Not on good faith," Dan muttered. "They let you out because I brought them proof that you couldn't be detained for refusing to get married... since you already werre. To me." It had to come out sooner or later. He'd merely hoped it would be later.
"That doesn't make sense, you're married to Jae-Mi," Jason tilted his head to look at Dan directly, wondering if the pills he took were merely added to his confusion. "That's what I told them, that you were married to my sister...how could they believe that I'm married to you?"
"My marriage to Jae-mi was annulled," Dan explained, feeling guilty. In saving Jason, he had fed his sister right back into the hands of the government. "I had no other right and she was in the hospital... I didn't know how else to get you out."
"Oh...but I lied, I said that we were just friends. I said...there wasn't anything between us. What if they get suspicious? I just..." Jason trailed off, realizing that if Jae-Mi's marriage was annuled, she would be put back in the lottery pool. "Is this okay?"
"It's legal, if that's what you're asking. It was just... achieved... through less than legal means." Dan brushed fingers through his hair. "It doesn't matter. They didn't pump you full of drugs because they were interested in our relationship. That was just the pretext, if anything..."
"Okay," Jason had to believe that it was okay, and that whatever means Dan went through that it wouldn't end up in the reverse. With Dan locked away and Jason helpless to do anything about it. "As long as it's okay...does mom know?"
"Yeah... she wasn't exactly pleased, but it was a way to get you out." A wry smile pulled at his lips. "She's really something, your mom. You should've seen her at the Center... cool and collected. I was a wreak compared to her."
"She's strong. She used to take on the government in Korea when she was young," Jason smiled faintly, "dad used to tell me stories, they met because he was the one who got her out of prison."
He sighed and pressed his palm against his temple, trying to will the throbbing to abate, "I think...she'll come around. I'd rather be married to someone I love than a stranger, even if we didn't have a choice."
"It's easier to get a divorce if there is no bearing of the pairing law on us," Dan pointed out softly and covered Jason's hand with his own. "Headache getting worse?" The Xanax should've started to help by now, but without knowing what he'd been given, there was no way to treat it. A placebo could only do so much.
"I don't want a divorce...even if there wasn't a lottery," Jason nodded once, and used his free hand to loosen the comforter wrapped around him, "if my head didn't hurt, I'd be asleep by now. It feels like five migraines at once."
Dan made to move away a little bit, to give him some breathing room. "Do you have any idea what they gave you when you were inside?" The chart May had swiped didn't have enough detail - evidently, it would've been too risky.
"I think they gave me the infected serum, I got so sick after the first shot," Jason answered quietly, his hands grasping Dan's shirt to keep him from moving too far away. "But I got better, they treated the infection, but I was given something else too...first once every couple of hours, and then they hooked me up to an IV so I could get a dose whenever I wanted...if I needed it."
"Like an antidote?" Dan suggested, ceasing his efforts when it became clear Jason disapproved. "They could've been testing some way to deal with the infected serum. A lot of people got sick and had to be put on antibiotics... I guess it does show that they're the ones behind it, though. Otherwise how could they know?"
Jason nodded once, "I think that's what it was. It's just...after I got better, my body still needed it. If I waited too long to press the button for another dose, I'd start to feel bad again."
Dan pressed their foreheads together gently. "Sounds like withdrawal symptoms from whatever they gave you..." Which could be anything. They could've tested anything. "I still think you should get some tests done. Make sure you're okay now."
"Okay, ask your friend, I don't want to go to the hospital," or anywhere, but he didn't want to give voice to the irrational fear that leaving put him at risk of getting put away again. "Just to make sure it is just withdrawal like they said..."
"Right," Dan nodded but made not move to leave the bed. "I'll call him when you say the word." He wouldn't impose any more choices on Jason. It was his way of making amends.
"Later, just stay with me," Jason whispered and pulled himself close, trying to focus on breathing. Before all it took for him to relax and feel secure enough to sleep was to be held in the other man's arms, and he relied on that now more than anything. "...until I fall asleep."
"Okay," Dan murmured softly and drew back a fraction to get rid of his glasses. It wouldn't be the first time he slept with them on because of Jason. His hands fit around him like they used to, before, but everything was different. Everything. "I'll be right here."