Who: Caleb Rivers and Hanna Marin What: Hanna comes back. Worry. Things. When: 13 August 2014, night Where: Hanna’s apartment Warnings: Talk of sexual harassment, victim-blaming, underaged drinking, angst Status: Log | Complete
She shouldn’t have said anything. She should have taken Emily and Spencer’s reactions to heart and known that Aria wouldn’t listen. It had been bad enough the first time. The comment. The hand on her back that was there for too long. The feeling of being so uncomfortable, like she had brought it on herself.
What’s wrong? My skirt’s too short.
She had only told them because she felt that Aria should know that the man marrying her mother was a sleaze. But they had told her she needed to be sure, because apparently being drunk meant she didn’t know when something was off about a guy.
Were you buzzed? Are you sure? Maybe you imagined it
That she could have accepted. No, not really. The doubt was already there. But once and she wouldn’t have said anything. She would have listened more to Emily and Spencer. Only it wasn’t once. He came into her car. Gave her his number and placed his hand on her thigh, touched her. Made her skin crawl. And she felt sick. Tore up the number because she didn’t even want to be reminded and went to Aria’s because she needed to know. Yes, she was mad because Hanna had accidentally let slip that they had been in New York. That something had happened with Shana. Hanna didn’t know, not really because she couldn’t remember, but this went beyond that.
Instead she was asked if she had been the one to initiate it.
You kissed him? This is so messed up. You’re the problem, Hanna. You are always the problem! What’d you do, Hanna? Did you invite him into his car? If you want to spiral out of control and self destruct, by all means go ahead.
The words had torn into her heart. All she had wanted to do was do the right thing. Wanted to protect Ms. Montgomery from more heartache. But the damage was already done. No one believed her. And maybe she had brought it on herself. The way she dressed. The way she looked.
All she had wanted was to try and find herself now that Ali was back. Her entire life had been a lie and she didn’t know who she was and nothing was stable, nothing was solid. Her mom didn’t notice. The others didn’t seem to understand, they were caught in Alison’s lies and all Hanna had were doubts and memories. The self doubt, the self loathing, the despising who she was and scared of what that meant now.
The walk in the rain was interrupted by a text. Her mom.. someone had broken into the house and god. Her life was falling apart and all she wanted was whiskey or rum or vodka or something to forget. But she needed to get home because her mom needed her because again Alison’s drama and past was coming to hurt them and now her mom was again a target.
Or she could end up in the middle of the forest and feel completely disoriented for a moment before she started to get memories. Beacon Hills. Great, she couldn’t even get home to check on her mom now?!
The edge was there and she was teetering dangerously.
Letting out a shaky breath, the rain drenched teen started heading towards where she knew the apartment building was. She was on autopilot for one, and two, she was too lost in her own thoughts, the onslaught of memories from there piling on to what had happened back home, back to the skin crawling feeling. The cat calls from her walk just made it worse.
Arriving at the apartment, Hanna found herself in her old apartment. She didn’t pay attention to anyone on the floor, to anyone she might have passed. All she did was walk into the apartment shaking and headed to the bathroom, turning the water on as hot as it could go before stepping under the stream of water and finally letting herself cry.
It had been rough without Hanna around. While neither of them had been in a good place for a relationship, Caleb couldn’t deny he had feelings for her. That much had been clear to both of them on multiple occasions. With her gone it felt like part of him was missing. A sassy, blonde part that wasn’t afraid to make fun of the rest of him. He wanted to tell himself that maybe she was better off back home, but he knew that Rosewood was just as dangerous and shitty as Beacon Hills.
He was at his window with a bag of chips when he saw her. At least he thought it was her. Her hair was shorter with black lowlights running through it and her clothes were less glamorous and more punk rock. It occurred to him that it could have been someone entirely different with her face, but his heart still did a funny little skip when he saw that face of hers. Caleb set his chips on the counter and hurried out of his apartment to head off to hers.
The elevator ride seemed to last forever, but when he was finally on her floor he practically bolted for her apartment. He felt that same funny skip of his heartbeat when he saw that her door was slightly open, but it sunk slightly when he found himself wondering why she hadn’t shut it and locked it behind her. Caleb nudged it open and stepped inside.
“Hanna?” He looked around. “Are you home?”
Any other day, and Hanna probably would have locked the door. Especially here. Especially after the whole realizing her apartment had been bugged. But she was too far lost in her own mind and feeling lost to have noticed. No. She just wanted to make it go away. All of it. The self loathing she felt, how lost she. Even the bitterness and how uncomfortable being around Ali made her. She had hoped for so long that she was alive, had been the only one to think she was alive for awhile. She should have known better.
Even if she were gone, you would still be feeling whatever it is that she’s stirred up in you since coming back.
Caleb had been right, of course. And she felt bad that she had gone behind the others’ backs, but they didn’t see. They were so caught up in Ali. Even her mom was caught up in Ali. Bath salts weren’t that big a deal, but it had been yet another blow to her. But she had taken it. Just hid out at Caleb’s. Got into situations she shouldn’t have. Situations she should have avoided.
God, she was a mess. And no one believed her. Through it all, Hanna had never lied, never about something that meant so much, that was so important. But they couldn’t trust her because of a fuck up. Because of her drinking. The accusations, the looks… all of them were crashing down around her and god it hurt.
Through the haze of internal anguish, the choked back sobs, she heard a voice had followed her. Caleb. Caleb who had always been her safe place when everything was going wrong. Caleb who she had given to Miranda and came back damaged. Caleb who still seemed the only one who noticed that something was wrong and didn’t throw it in her face.
Gasping for breath as she struggled to get her emotions under control, the blond turned off the shower and grabbed a towel, patting herself down somewhat. Not that it did any good given she had showered while still clothed. Hanna didn’t pay attention to how she might appear, she just went out to the living room and blinked.
Right. Caleb was from the past. He was from Ravenswood and not coming back…. It was disorienting to see him as he had been in Ravenswood and not as he had been when she had last seen him.
“Caleb….”
Of course he was relieved to see her. At first, at least. That relief was quickly washed away by worry. No one showers with their clothes on when they’re in a good state of mind. Caleb took a few steps closer to her, narrowing the gap between the two of them. His concern showed clearly on his face, almost enough so that he didn’t even have to ask what was wrong. He did anyway.
“Hanna, what’s wrong? Your clothes…” He trailed off, slowly taking a few steps even closer. It crossed his mind that maybe she didn’t want to be touched, so he didn’t hug her right away. That could wait. It was more something he wanted than something he thought she needed, anyway, and her needs would have to come first right now. At least until he was sure she was okay, however long that took to achieve.
“You’ve been gone about a week. I guess the Nemeton decided to bring you back.” Caleb held back on any gestures that would suggest he was happy she was back. He wasn’t yet sure if she thought it was a good thing and in the end it only mattered what she thought in this situation. Rosewood couldn’t have been great if it prompted fully clothed showers, though. That much he was sure of.
“Got caught in the rain. Well. The rain back home.”
It wasn’t a complete lie. She’d already been drenched when she had gotten there with rain water. She just hadn’t bothered to undress to take the shower she had just come out of. The scalding water she had needed to feel remotely clean because her skin continued to crawl when she thought about what had happened. When she thought about how the others had reacted.
She never should have told them.
And now Caleb was asking if she was okay. Or, he had been but he seemed to have stopped that train of thought. Which was good. Because well, Hanna didn’t know how she’d answer anymore. They all lived and breathed lies. Spencer had lied to her mom when there was no reason all because it was second nature. Brushing things off was something they had mastered. Only the girls had always had one another before. Now she didn’t have them. And Caleb…. she didn’t know anymore.
It hurt her head.
“Oh. It’s been longer for me….” That was… really weird actually. How time moved completely differently here than it did back home. It had been...god, how long had it been? Everything just piled on and on that it was hard to know. A week, two, three? No more than a month. “Nice of the stupid stump, I guess.”
Caleb nodded slowly. It didn’t take the most perceptive person in the world to pick up on the fact that there was more to it than rain. He’d heard the shower and was pretty certain she’d taken her shower clothed. Something had to be terribly wrong. He was caught between wanting to find out what it was so that he could fix it and wanting to let it go so that he wouldn’t bring up anything too painful that Hanna couldn’t handle.
“You changed your hair. And your clothes.” There was nothing in his tone of voice that would suggest he thought the change was a bad thing. On the contrary, he simply thought it was interesting. The punk vibe he got from Hanna now was a far cry from the glam feel he’d gotten from her when he’d first met her. He wondered if she was going through some kind of period of self-discovery. He felt shitty that he wasn’t there to witness it firsthand.
“Yeah, time doesn’t mean much to the stump. You want me to lay down some towels so you can sit down?” Caleb was already headed towards the linen closet. She had an aura about her that made him think she needed to relax. He came back with an armful of fluffy towels and started unfolding them on the couch.
Right. Caleb didn’t know that Ali was back. Right? She couldn’t remember everything from her time in Beacon Hills, not right then. So him making a comment about the change and not the connection wasn’t shocking. Never mind he seemed to be the only one who had made the connection back home. At least, not while accusing her at the same time. God, everything was a mess back home. She was a mess and all she wanted to do was crawl into a hole and hide.
“I felt like being spontaneous.”
Said the girl who made a pinterest post whenever she wanted to change her nailpolish. Either way, she shrugged as if it were no big deal. Ali wasn’t here…. unless… oh god, if the damn stump had brought Ali here as well… Hanna didn’t know what she’d do. She was already losing herself. She didn’t need Alison here as well to add to it. But even before she could respond, Caleb was already laying down towels for her.
“Thanks….”
“Spontaneous.” Caleb didn’t buy it. Not entirely. Maybe spontaneity was a part of it, but it couldn’t have been the main driving force. But what was? That had him utterly puzzled. He thought that he’d known Hanna so well, but he was coming up blank as to what had inspired the punk makeover. Caleb had heard once that bad things in women’s lives inspired them to change their hair, maybe on some late night TV show that he hadn’t taken seriously at the time. He hoped it wasn’t true. If anyone had been through enough trauma in their lifetime it was Hanna Marin.
“Well, it’s a good look for you.” He commented with an easy smile that wasn’t entirely genuine. Caleb wanted to smile for her even if he didn’t totally mean it. He wanted her return to Beacon Hills to not completely suck. There was still a spot on the couch that wasn’t totally covered by fluffy white towels and Caleb took a seat on it.
Uneasily, he cleared his throat a little. Something was up. Something beyond the natural awkward that would come with showing up in the crazy town that was Beacon Hills once more. Caleb had some intuition. He may not have been psychic, but he could pick up on some things. “Hanna, if something is bothering you, you know you can tell me about it. I promise I could never judge you.” And he meant it. He was offering the support of his shoulder to lean on with absolutely no strings attached for the only reason being that she needed it. He cared about her.
“Yeah. Spontaneous.” Shooting him an annoyed look, because why could no one believe that maybe she just felt like it (well, okay, it had been a whole who was she moment, but principle of the matter), Hanna just waited. Because yes. Alison returning could easily be considered a trauma. God, how had she been so stupid as to think that Alison back would make things better. Okay, so they had expected all the A business to be done once Shana was dead but it wasn’t. That was a stressor. But she had changed her appearance before that because of Alison.
The small jabs at her former weight. The realization that Mona had molded her into Ali 2.0 and not knowing why. The fact that she never had an actual self. That she just was there. She thought she had found herself, but clearly she hadn’t. A being back, not knowing who was helping and how they knew about New York… she had fucked up. She knew that, yet no one noticed and it was all her fault anyway.
“Thanks…” She knew that he wasn’t being completely honest with her, and Hanna just didn’t have the energy to deal with it. She was tired. She wanted a drink and bad. She wanted to forget and disappear. There was too much going on and she was feeling too pulled apart to even care.
Which was why she sat on the couch and just pulled her knees to her since the TV wasn’t on to focus on. She felt okay with Caleb. Not right now because he was from before all of this. And he was reminding her of before, of what she had wanted. It was all so very confusing. But he obviously was confused as well given the clearing of his throat. Or he could know that something was bothering her.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Her voice was hollow, gaze forward and staring at nothing. Well, it had been more or less since she had shown up. Spencer, Emily, Aria… none of them believed her. Why would Caleb believe her? She never should have said anything. It was stupid and embarrassing there was nothing he could do here anyway.
It occurred to Caleb that maybe he wasn’t equipped to handle this situation. Maybe what Hanna needed was Emily, Spencer, and Aria to welcome her back to Beacon Hills. Unfortunately, Emily wasn’t there and Spencer was having a breakdown of her own. He considered calling Aria but decided it would have looked a little too much like desperately calling for help.
“Yeah, it matters, Hanna.” Caleb leaned forward, his elbows propped up on his knees. His tone was one more of concern instead of frustration. Obviously something was wrong with Hanna. People didn’t just hop into the shower wearing all of their clothes. There had to be a reason or some kind of motivating force behind it.
He wondered if it was A. He’d nearly forgotten about the danger A posed while they’d been living in Beacon Hills, but it would be there, waiting for the girls in Rosewood. Caleb had no doubt that if Hanna had been in Rosewood for more than a week that she’d had at least some taste of what A had to offer.
“I’m not lying. I won’t judge. I think you know that I won’t.”
And of course Caleb would push. Because he wasn’t lost in his own issues and using alcohol to hide as well, so he would noticed more that something was wrong. He wouldn’t just let her ignore it even if that was exactly what she wanted to do. But how do you tell your not-boyfriend that some sleaze who was marrying Aria’s mom was trying to hook up with her, and no one believed her?
Sighing in frustration, she just shrugged before brushing some hair out of her face.
“Just.. a lot. Doesn’t matter. It’s not like anyone believes me anyway.”
The last part was muttered under her breath. And it hurt. After everything the girls had gone through together, why did her level of intoxication matter? Why was she suddenly wrong and the problem? So yes, she was repeating that it didn’t matter even when Caleb said it did. Honestly, she didn’t think she could handle him blaming her as well. In fact, that was probably the last thing she could handle.
Maybe Hanna wouldn’t have wanted to tell anyone, but to Caleb her not opening up felt a little too much like a lack of trust. It could very well have been, too, along with an assortment of other possibilities. There was also a very real possibility that maybe she just didn’t want to talk about it. When he realized that might have been the case he felt a little pang of guilt for pressing for answers from her.
“I get that.” He replied in a low voice with a nod. It reminded him of his baggage from Ravenswood. That wasn’t anything anyone would have believed and so Hanna had been the only one he’d really told about his stay in the town. But it got tired carrying secrets. Caleb knew that. He didn’t want Hanna to face that same weariness just because she thought no one would believe her. He would have tried his damnedest to believe her.
“You told someone else already?” She hadn’t been in Beacon Hills that long. Or maybe what she meant was that she’d told someone in Rosewood. Maybe that was what had led to the infamous clothed shower. Caleb was instantly more interested. If he knew what was wrong then he could start to figure out how to make Hanna feel better. That’s what he told himself, at least.
“You should. You’re more secretive about Ravenswood back home than you’ve been here.”
Annoyed? Sort of. Not that Hanna had been in any position to try and help him with it back home, not with Alison back, the drinking, the constant reminders that she wasn’t enough and never would be enough, not even for her mom. The reminder that apparently she was always the problem and nothing she did was good enough. Really, Aria was right. She should just keep everyone out of her problems. They had enough to worry about.
“Yeah. And none of them believed me. It had to be my fault. Or I was just imagining it. I know when a sleaze is being a sleaze. Drunk or not doesn’t matter.”
And there it was. Caleb somehow managed to get her to say what was upsetting her. Or at least… half of what it was. There was a lot more to it of course. But that was the most immediate issue, and the one that no one believed her about.
“It’s easier to be less secretive about Ravenswood in a town that has a werewolf population.” Caleb smirked in spite of the serious mood. The expression vanished quickly enough, though. Appearing happy during a serious talk could be a bad thing.
It didn’t take long before Caleb was frowning, anyway. “Who did you tell?” He had a feeling that when he found out, whoever it was, he was going to be angry with them. Hanna was obviously in a lot of pain over this and the fact that people didn’t believe her was an enormous amount of salt in the wound. He would have done anything to fix things for her, but he had a feeling that might require traveling back to Rosewood and possibly punching someone.
“And, wait, who was being a sleaze to you?” Now came the anger. Someone had obviously crossed a boundary, even made Hanna feel lousy just by being sleazy to her. Caleb knew that someone probably wasn’t there, but he was intensely curious. He had to know who was messing with her.
“No kidding.” Hanna had been a ghost. After that, on top of the other things going on in Beacon Hills, it was a lot easier to believe what she had been told while in Ravenswood. She knew that Caleb never saw Miranda again after she left, she had gotten that much out of him since she’d been willing to believe him by that point, because he had believed it. But here it was something else entirely.
“The girls…” And that was the crux of the issue. The four had been through so much together and yet because of everything that had been going on, decisions she’d made, drinking, they decided she was untrustworthy when it came to her own body. “I guess I get it.” She was the weak one, but even so… Hanna doubted the hurt would go away. Emily and Spencer had just wanted her to be certain and she was. But Aria refused to listen to her. None of them got it. The change. Why she was so against wanting to spend more time than necessary with Alison. No. She was a loose canon. God if only she could remember what she had told Sydney.
“Zack.”
Who…. Caleb didn’t know about being engaged to Ella. Just that he was Emily’s boss, who was dating Ella and was in another country.
“None of them?” His opinion of the other girls had dropped considerably in knowing that they hadn’t been there for Hanna when she’d needed them most. It made him a little angry, but he knew he couldn’t act out his anger. First of all, it still felt inappropriate as at the end of the day they were still Hanna’s friends, but second, these versions of Hanna’s friends hadn’t done anything wrong. They were simply destined to sometime in the future. He’d have to talk it over with them then, assuming he was back in Rosewood by then.
“Emily’s boss is the creeper?” Caleb shifted in his seat, clearly a little angry. “What did he do, Hanna?” He tried his best to tone down his emotions. The last thing he wanted was for his reaction to upset Hanna. She was clearly already upset enough. Far too upset for anyone, and he didn’t want that for her. As he waited for an answer he tried his best to calm himself down and made himself a promise that he wouldn’t raise his voice no matter how angry he got.
This was going to be tough. Caleb had a hard time restraining himself when it came to Hanna. If he felt she was being treated badly he had a tendency for sticking up for her. Whether it was in the form of a snarky comment or something else, he always tried to fight for her. If some guy was making her feel uncomfortable he would remember it until he was sent back home and dole out some justice Caleb Rivers style.
“I don’t know. I only said something to Emily and Spencer because he’s marrying Aria’s mom. But they apparently wanted to make sure I was positive and not misreading it.” And she got that. She did. She had been frustrated and upset because she knew in her gut that something was off. But whatever. It could have been a joke. “And Aria….”
She couldn’t repeat it. It hurt too much. Instead of finishing the sentence she shook her head, because that was the last conversation she’d had before the text from her mom and that was the one that bothered her so much. Especially since she had already embellished on who Zack was from who he had been the last time Caleb had seen him.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s embarrassing and they’re right.. I brought it on myself.”
Elbows on her knees, Hanna just held her face in them since she didn’t have a drink in hand to try and chase away the pain.
“Not to mention, A apparently broke into my house while my mom and Alison were there and I can’t make sure my mom’s okay.” It was just one more thing on top of everything else. Even if she was the second best even in her own damn house, she didn’t know how her mom was after nearly having a potentially fatal run in with A.
“So now because Aria didn’t believe you her mom’s going to marry a creep.” He shook his head. “That’s all messed up, Hanna. That he would do that to you, that they wouldn’t believe you, but I can promise you that you did not bring it on yourself. It’s not your fault that Zack is a complete sleazeball.” Testing the water to see what kind of affection was appropriate for the situation, Caleb reached out and put a hand on Hanna’s still wet shoulder.
Alison was living with them. Caleb said nothing on the topic, but he was sure that it couldn’t have been making things any less difficult for Hanna. He knew what that girl was like from what Hanna had told him. All the damage she’d left in her wake… Caleb didn’t have a high opinion of Ali, but he kept it to himself. At least he did right then.
He sat up a little straighter when he heard that A had broken into the Marin residence. “Hanna, I’m sorry. I’m sure they’re okay. A was probably just trying to scare everyone.”
“I don’t know. Tomorrow is..was… the engagement party or however it works.” But she would leave it at Aria just not believing her. Because there was no need for her to go into exactly what Aria had said. “Right. Of course not. That’s why Aria jumped to the asking what I did and if I kissed him?” Or… again with the saying things she didn’t mean to say but that she was too emotionally raw to not say since she didn’t have her preferred method of dealing at the moment.
“I keep making a mess of things, it makes sense that they don’t.” Especially if Hanna was blaming herself. It was easy to do when her own friends didn’t believe her. Even so, it was easy to fall into reflex mode and just lean into his touch. Even if he didn’t know back home, he still grounded her in a twisted way despite all the alcohol.
“I guess.” Hanna didn’t believe it. She didn’t know why A had broken into the house. Apparently it wanted Ali to stay in Rosewood and said he’d kill her if she left. But what was the reasoning then?
Caleb felt his eyebrows raise. He’d promised he wouldn’t show his anger, but it was getting more difficult. “Aria did what now?” He got how Aria would have been upset, especially if she was okay with the idea of her mom remarrying, but from what Hanna had said it sounded almost as if Aria had placed some if not all of the blame on Hanna’s shoulders. That was completely uncalled for.
Again, he had to remind himself that he could scream until he was red in the face at the Aria in town and it would do no good. She didn’t yet know what she would do in the future in Rosewood. Hanna’s heart would be broken by one of her closest friends and the Aria in Beacon Hills would have no idea that she was the cause. It seemed kind of fucked up if you asked Caleb.
“They should have believed you on this one, Han. Trust me on that. It’s never right to blame the--” He stopped himself from saying ‘victim’. The word sounded insulting. “Target.” Maybe it didn’t make as much sense as ‘victim’, but at least Hanna wouldn’t think Caleb was labeling her as a victim.
“I messed up. I said things I shouldn’t have that has her at risk and I don’t even remember what I said. So yeah. I’m the problem. Always have been.”
They were the words that were constantly going through her mind, had been while she walked back to the apartment. Had been repeating as she stood in the shower trying to wash the filth she felt away. Once she got started, it wasn’t hard to keep going. Her heart was breaking from the lack of support and it was crushing her.
That poor girl has no support system.
Alison had all the support. The girls still did her bidding. Hanna was just tired of it. It wasn’t her fault if the police didn’t believe her story. They’d said alleged kidnapping even before she started messing up.
It was nice, in it’s own way, that Caleb did seem to believe her. But that was probably just because he didn’t know who she was now. Oh who was she kidding, Hanna still didn’t know who she was. Caleb just hadn’t dealt with all the drinking yet. Whatever the reason, it was something for him to believe her regardless of all of that.
“...Right.” She didn’t believe it, but it was still nice in it’s own way. Even if he just called her a target.
“Hanna, everyone makes mistakes. The problem happens when they’re one after another after another and that’s not the case with you. You’re nothing but supportive and great to your friends. They should reciprocate that and treat you the same even if you slip up and make a mistake.” He didn’t ask what the mistake was. Undoubtedly it was an important part of what had happened, but maybe if Caleb didn’t bring it up Hanna wouldn’t blame herself as much for it. That was stretching things, probably, but he hoped it’d work.
“If someone has you thinking that you’re a problem, they’re the problem.” He was dead serious when he said it. Whoever said that to Hanna needed a reality check. Caleb suspected he was a little biased given how much he cared about Hanna, but he just couldn’t see her as a problem to anyone ever.
“So, gotta say, if all that happened to me I might have walked into the shower clothed, too.” He frowned a little bit. “Do you think you’d feel any better at all if you talked to the Spencer and Aria that are here? They sound a little more friendly than the versions back home.” It was a longshot. Caleb didn’t really think she’d want to speak to them after they’d met her story with disbelief.
Hanna remained silent at that. First being willing to help Ali disappear again. It wasn’t safe for her in Rosewood, but she also had wanted things to go back to normal and everything had been so much more difficult with her there. It was selfish. Then whatever she had to Sydney. After getting drunk in front of Mrs. Fields. Yeah. There were mistake after mistake and then trusting Zack. Wearing a too short skirt. Thinking they would believe her.
She remained tight lipped as he said whoever thought she was the problem was the actual problem. There was nothing to say to that. Because she would either try to argue against him and he’d just keep repeating that sentiment, or she’d say it was Aria and she wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop from yelling at her then. Because Caleb was the type who would stand up for her when she wouldn’t do so herself and well, she knew that the Spencer and Aria here weren’t from the same point as her but she was still bothered.
At least he understood the shower thing, so he clearly knew that it wasn’t just the rain from Rosewood. And then the comment about talking to Spencer and Aria.
“I don’t know. Maybe later….” When she had calmed down enough to be able to say anything to them. Especially Aria. She wasn’t shutting them out. Not intentionally but she also knew that she wasn’t in a good place to talk to them at that very moment.
If Caleb had known everything that had gone on back in Rosewood chances are he would have felt like he had his foot in his mouth, but ignorance was bliss. He truly believed that Hanna having been told she was the problem had no merit. If he’d known that she’d slipped up a few times he would have better understood why being called a problem had her so shaken up, but he was in the dark.
“No pressure. You can take as long as you like without talking to anyone, Hanna. I get that you had it rough at the point when you’re coming from.” He let his hand slide down her shoulder so that he could give her hand a brief squeeze before letting go of it entirely. “Sometimes the best thing for stress like this is quiet. Do you think this is one of those cases?” It was Caleb’s way of asking whether she wanted to talk more about it or if she would have preferred him shutting up.
“You didn’t miss much. All of the mysterious future kids went away as soon as you did. For a while I wondered if there was some connection, but I couldn’t figure out what it might have been.” He shrugged his shoulders slightly.
Hanna doubted any amount of reassurance would make her feel better or stop blaming herself. And she sure as hell was going to be doubting herself for awhile. She knew that Beacon Hills was different and that things that happened back home had no merit here. But what if something changed? People from home showed up or they got sent back and brought back and hated her? She wouldn’t be able to go through that twice.
Or god. If Zack showed up. Alison or Mona showing up would be bad enough. Zack though? No.
Was this one of those times when she’d be better off in silence? She thought so. But only if the apartment decided to give her beer or something in her fridge so she could drink it. Otherwise she didn’t know what she would do. Get lost in her own mind? Go out looking? No. After everything with Zack, she really didn’t want to risk it and find herself in a worse situation.
“Maybe, I don’t know….”
At least she hadn’t missed anything important. Though that was strange about the timing of her disappearance.
“Or the stump just decided that it didn’t want to deal with the energy of multiple trips so it sent me back at the same time or something.”
While he didn’t take it too much to heart, Caleb sort of felt like a failure. All he wanted to do was ease the worries on Hanna’s mind and it was proving next to impossible. It wasn’t too much to ask, was it? Only it was. Somehow her problems were too big for him to handle on his own. Maybe they always had been. It ate him up inside.
“Do… You want to get out?” She’d need to change, of course, maybe dry her hair. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea. “Or maybe I could run and get us something for takeout?” His eyebrows raised slightly, eyeing her, just waiting for an answer. Caleb didn’t know what the right thing to do was. If he’d known he would have done it without asking.
“I can’t remember if being brought here via stump makes a person hungry.” He gave a halfhearted smile. It was a little bit of humor, if not humor than lightheartedness. Maybe that’s what she needed. Caleb had no idea. He was honestly grasping at straws.
There was too much that had happened even in just a few weeks that Hanna didn’t know which way was up. Though that probably was normal when one was going through an identity crisis and realizing that she had never known who she really was.
I’d still be me And who remembers her? Not even you do
“I’m not really hungry….” Which for Hanna wasn’t exactly common. Especially when she was upset or stressed. But what had happened in the car with Zack, where his hand had been… it still made her feel so sick and her skin burned and crawled all at once. But she wasn’t completely oblivious to what Caleb was trying to do. And it reminded her of back home, before he left.
I feel like I’m taking shots in the dark and it’s not enough.
Looking at him, she gave a weak smile that didn’t do much but she wanted him to know.
“You being here is enough. Really.”
And it was. Because he believed her even if she didn’t believe in herself at that very moment.
Caleb nodded slowly. Truth be told, he wasn’t that hungry, either. He’d been finishing off a bag of chips when he’d seen Hanna walking back to the apartment complex. There was that feed a fever, starve a cold saying but no one ever said what helped a crushed spirit. Was there even a cure for that? Other than the obvious one, which was time. But time took so long. It wasn’t that Caleb wasn’t patient. He could wait out the best of them. It was just that he wanted Hanna to suffer as little as possible.
When she said that him being there was enough, though, he couldn’t help but smile. It was a real, genuine smile, too, unlike the fake ones he’d been wearing since she’d went away. She was sad and where she was from her friends had treated her badly, but she was back. He was glad to have her back.
“You’d let me know if I could do something, right?” He looked at her, a little concerned. There were people who suffered in silence and he worried that Hanna might have been one of them. He wanted her to know that there was no need for that now that he was there.
Hanna had done the eat away her pain and that had landed her five summers in fat camp. Her relationship with food was still complicated and a lot of things did make her hungry, but she was at a point where, at that very moment, eating was the last thing she wanted to do. She’d probably end up sick because she’d suddenly remember, or feel his hand and it would be downhill from there.
She wasn’t positive about how she felt about being back in Beacon Hills. It was as much a mess as Rosewood was, just in different ways. But at least some of her immediate issues weren’t there. That had to count for something. Even if she was terrified for her mom, worried about how she was because of the break in.
Would she let him know if there were something he could do? It was hard to say. She hadn’t even wanted to tell the others about what had happened with Zack, it had been there in the way she had said the only reason she had done so was because of his engagement to Ella and how she felt Aria needed to know. Otherwise, would she have said something? It was hard to tell.
At the same time, she knew that if there were something that could actually be done, that Caleb would do it. But there wasn’t because there was no way to make it go away. No way to travel to the past to not make that once decision. Or numerous ones as the case were.
“Yeah. I would.”
Caleb gave a slow nod of his head. He wanted to believe her, but had his doubts. It was less of a statement about how much he trusted her and more of a statement about how much he knew this situation was affecting her. Caleb believed that under normal circumstances Hanna would have been upfront with him, but if she thought she was sparing him something by way of not saying something then maybe she would leave something unsaid.
“I’m glad.” He gave a half smile. It was all he could manage seeing her in the state she was in. It seemed to be a thing - When Hanna was upset, he just didn’t feel right. Their connection wasn’t always rainbows and butterflies. He supposed that’s how it was when you cared deeply about a person. There was good and bad.
“So…” Caleb paused for a moment. “Do you want me to leave?” His tone was lower, more gentle, but he tried to make sure that she knew he wouldn’t be offended if she were to say ‘yes’. He understood that sometimes people needed to deal on their own. Maybe she wanted to sleep, anyway. He wouldn’t be of much use if she was just going to go to sleep.
She tried to return the smile, but the situation was so messed up that it was hard to do so. She hated how she felt. She hated how her skin crawled, how nauseous she felt. She hated how there was nothing to do about it. It had happened. She had let it happen. She hadn’t known how he would respond if she actively showed she was uncomfortable, but she still put herself in that situation. Nothing was going to change that fact.
Did she want him to leave? Not really. She felt safe with him. But if he wanted to go… So she just shrugged.
“It’s up to you.”
She wasn’t good company. Not at all. So if he wanted to leave, that was up to him. She wouldn’t hold it against him. At the same time, him being there helped her. But she wasn’t going to hold him back. She would deal with it. Somehow.
The fact that she hadn’t pushed him away seemed like a good thing to him. There were levels to misery, and for him the lowest always involved isolating himself. That Hanna wasn’t doing that gave him a little bit of hope. Since she hadn’t outright told him to leave there was no way he was just going to leave her in a state like this.
“I think I’ll stay a while.” Really he planned on sneaking out after she fell asleep. If she fell asleep. Caleb was committed enough to this idea that he was prepared to spend the night if she never drifted off.
“You feeling like getting into dryer clothes?” She had to have been a little cold even as her clothing had begun to dry off. He would have wrapped her in blankets, but that only would have gotten the blankets wet.
And so she just nodded. She supposed she wasn’t terribly shocked that he was going to stick around. Even before they were together, when he was just living at the Marin home, he had stayed with her while she cried on the steps. Now? After everything they’d been through… it wasn’t shocking. They didn’t have to be together here, that connection still thrived. Even if she was confused since back home they were together.
“Oh. Right. I guess I should….”
It was a testament to how out of it she was that she didn’t even realize she should probably change. But that happened when one was distracted. And well, wet clothing really was uncomfortable after a bit. Standing up, Hanna went to the bedroom and dug around. Pajama bottoms, a tank top and a pull over. That worked.
Returning to the living room, she got the towels off the couch since they were wet, put them in the bathroom and then curled up on the couch silently. There wasn’t really much of anything to say. She did have the presence of mind to turn on the television and find some old noir movie, if only for the pretense of doing something. Otherwise she was just sitting with Caleb.
Caleb felt a little bit bad about smiling. Hanna was unhappy and it felt strange to smile when in the presence of someone who wasn’t even close to being happy. No, she was pretty miserable and they say misery loves company. While Caleb couldn’t honestly claim to be miserable now that Hanna was back in town, he could at least keep his expressions on the down low. When she returned from her bedroom, though, he did give her a small smile. He hated that she was going through so much crap with her friends, but having her back in Beacon Hills was the biggest relief ever.
He slouched a little in his seat on the couch. He’d sat down where there had been no towels, so there had been no need for him to move at all. Even though his attention was really focused on Hanna, his eyes were on the TV. Caleb watched her with his peripheral vision just in case she needed him for some reason. He didn’t like the idea of having her problems go unattended even if only for a minute.
All thing considered, Hanna did keep her focus on the movie. She wasn’t really taking it all in, but it was at least something. It didn’t elicit the normal responses she might give any other day, but anything was better than just sitting there and staring at nothing. At some point she had shifted to be resting against Caleb, but beyond that, she showed no real response to anything. He was familiar and he was comfort. She was too drained to think about the specifics or complications. That could come later if it even did.
He gave a quick look in Hanna’s direction. Nothing to prolonged or lingering. Caleb didn’t want to seem like he was hitting on her. God, that was the last thing she needed after dealing with that creep. It was second nature, though, when his arm stretched out and rested behind her on the back of the couch. There was no real motive behind it. It was just a place to put his arm. He was there to make Hanna feel better, feel safe, and he’d stay there the whole night if he had to to do just that.