InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Give me all your bananas."

Punching the locker seemed like a really good idea at the time. Easily best idea ever, especially as it followed her kicking the bench over. Anything to just stop the horrible feeling in her chest, because what the fuck happened out there?

Pride had won. Her chasers had played phenomenally. All centuries, plus two double centuries in a game less than 4 hours? She could not ask for a better chaser set. Except how it came at a pretty big price.

Watching Lorna fall tapped right into her anger and doubt. It forced her to once more consider the reality of what could never be, and then question if deserved this job. Her players, her friends, were at risk of never playing again, and she couldn’t help but think that was her fault. And she knew what that was like, wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

So, Lorna’s locker door took the brunt of her anger. Except it proved to be a formidable foe.

“Hey, hey hey!” Maddock said as he came into the Portree locker room in time to see Ellie smashing her hand into a locker door. “What that locker ever do to you?” he said but even he didn’t have the amused voice to pass that off as a real joke.

Maddock went right over to Ellie and reached to take her hand carefully to inspect what she did. He wasn’t a medic or anything, but it was probably something easy to fix. The anger behind it was probably worse. “Hey look at me. You don’t need to go punching anything or at least hard objects that don’t fight back,” he said.

Ellie made no objection. Although there was a colorful string of words spoke for themselves. The excruciating pain when he pressed the proximal fifth metacarpal was a pretty reliable diagnosis of fracture. Barely a scratch.

“That an offer?” She said before looking up at him. Not that she wanted to look because he would know. Ellie also really didn’t want to punch him. Not yet at least.

“Hold that thought. The next time I’m a git,” Maddock said since Ellie punching with a damaged fist would make this better. He reached a hand up to brush Ellie’s hair back from her face when she looked up to him. He did know. He knew there would be something wrong. That’s why Allie ran all the way down from the stands to try to cut her off.

“What do you want to do, Elsie? Besides punching things,” he said. It wasn’t an offer but trying to steer her away from destructive behaviour. Ellie was always emotional. She had the high of the win, but the low of two injured Quidditch players. And even just telling her they were going to be fine wouldn’t be good, but there was always the possibility they wouldn’t be and Ellie knew that all too well.

“Argh, Rionnag.” She let out a miserable groan and leaned into him, hiding her face in his shirt. If Ellie knew what she wanted to do, she probably wouldn’t have punched the locker. Fuck if she had any answers now.

Apparently time was not on her side. Ellie could hear one, maybe two of her players, heading toward the locker room.

Allie couldn’t help by smile at the nickname even as Ellie’s groaned out. His arms wrapped around her and pulled her close to his chest. He placed a kiss on top of her head, and kept her there.

He looked the door when he heard the team coming back to the locker room. “Come on, we’ll go somewhere else nathrach-dè,” he said getting his wand out of his pocket so he could apparate them somewhere better so Ellie could show her emotions somewhere else.

Looking up at Alasdair with a small hint of a smile, she saw Ainsley in her peripheral. Maybe in her still hungover state, Ainsley wouldn’t remember what she saw. Although, honestly that was the least of Ellie’s worries at the moment. Before she had time to think more about it, they were gone with a small pop.

Apparition required great knowledge of the place the wizard wanted to go. It was not surprising that they wound up on the craggy beach just down from An Nead. Although it was rather telling. Rather than fight it anymore, Ellie popped down onto the sand, staring out at the ocean.

“Tell me what the fuck is going on right now.”

Alasdair let go of Ellie once they popped out on the beach. He let her go and followed her to sit on the sand. He looked over at Ellie at her question. They’d been avoiding such questions, just dancing around their recent sexual encounters. No one had called them out on it (at least no one had called Maddock on it), but they themselves hadn’t put a name on it.

“Right now? We’re sitting on a beach because you’re upset,” he said being obnoxiously obvious. “Figured you’d calm down better out here. And maybe avoid shagging at the drop of a hat, not because it isn’t good, but maybe because we can talk about what’s bothering you. Not that we haven’t shagged out here, or are unlikely to do it again, but you know. Ocean.”

That certainly earned him a shoulder bump from Ellie, but no other words, not yet.

While he still had his wand out he carefully reached for Ellie’s hand to hold it up on his other palm “Ferula,” he muttered to heal up the fracture in Ellie’s hand. “Better?”

Ellie looked between her hand and his face. The easy answer was no. Nothing was better and that centering pain was gone now. But he meant well and if she wanted to actually use her hand tomorrow this was a good idea.

“Okay, then, tell me what the fuck I’m doing.” Sighing, she collapsed backward so she could look up the sky, not caring about the cold sand in her hair, and really just about everywhere. “Because at this point, I haven’t a bloody clue. About anything. At all.”

While having the physical pain in her hand was probably easier to concentrate on, Alasdair was sure she’d thank him later. Maybe. “Well again. You’re sitting on a beach,” he said and well if he was being an ass, that gave her something to be mad at.

“I think most people don’t have a bloody clue,” he shrugged and moved to lay back on the sand but rolled onto his side so he could still look at Ellie. “What made you want to punch that locker today?”

“But shit, I always knew, soon as I realized I couldn’t be a dragon. I knew what I wanted to do with my life, and I got to do that. For too short twelves years.” Having had some version of this conversation, or fight (usually fight), many times before she didn’t need to go into details. Allie knew. He knew how truly desperate and crazy she could be when the sport was taken away from her.

“Then I get it into my head that if I can’t play, maybe I can coach. And Pride wanted me. Me! Only to end MacDonald’s career. Then finally get Lorna to stop her doaty mum thing, and get back out there.” She threw her now bandaged hand over her face, not willing to look at him when she said what came next. “But then hate every single moment seeing her and Luag play.”

Allie did know. He knew all too well. It was the main reason for the divorce. They’d had it out many times, the worst fight of all when Maddock got himself fired when he could still continue to play, and Ellie no longer could. But he sat and listened and let Ellie get out what her problem was.

“Was it Lorna’s locker you punched?” Alasdair asked going in a different direction than he originally anticipated. “Look, this might not make you feel better but you’re a good coach. You’re just starting out, but you’re doing amazing. This match even proves that today. Like… fuck 630 without the snitch even. Having players getting injured does take some of the victory out of it, but that’s the game,” he said being purely objective and not taking the emotional side it.

“But… those were your chaser’s points. Not your points. But those injuries were MacDonald’s and Lorna’s. Not yours,” he said looking at Ellie and being prepared for any backlash before he was done. “Playing Quidditch was your dream, and it didn’t work out that way. That is no one’s fault. It’s not even your fault, Elsie. It’s fucking unfair, but so are a lot of things.”

He knew he couldn’t fix this or force Ellie to feel better. Alasdair was also aware that Ellie knew all this well enough. But she wasn’t talking about it outloud, so he could force her to admit to it all at least.

“You don’t hate Lorna. You might feel it now, but you really don’t. You wouldn’t be this upset otherwise,” Alasdair tried to explain. “She’s a grown ass adult, and even if you asked her, it was still her decision to come back. She is the one that got injured today. She’s probably even going to be fine. And it sucks she gets to play again when she gave it up and you can’t. But you are still there Elsie. As the coach, you’re there just as much as any player. And you’re just going to have to decide if this can make you happy in the future. Do you like coaching, or can you learn to love it like you did when you got to play yourself?”

Ellie was silent as he spoke and then for a while after.

So it was just the ocean on the rocks and in the brisk December air. And if she could have sunk further into the sand, or let the ocean rise up and wash her away she might have considered that option. Feelings always complicated things.

“I...I don’t know,” she said finally dropping her arm to look at him. And all the things she didn’t dare say were so clearly on written on her face. How sorry that she couldn’t be stronger. That she had screwed up in so many different ways. She had pushed away one of the few people who stood beside her even in her worst moments because she didn’t know how to move forward. Yet he kept coming back, they kept circling each other like binary stars - only now she was a black hole and he maintained orbit just off her event horizon.

“It’s so damn hard to watch and not be out there, for those not to be my points, my injuries. But fuck all if I could just walk away from it all. Those are still my people. Because if I can’t be a dragon, I need to be in that world even as it rips me to pieces for all that I can’t have.”

“And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what comes next. Or how to mend things with Lorna because I need her and I can’t get over all the other parts.” She sighed. Really more of a long exhale and inhale to try to not feel so raw. “Or even if I can figure out if there’s a way for us to be us again, or if that’s even something you’d want.”

Alasdair was used to expecting denial or silence… so actually getting Ellie to admit to things, to talk about it, that was a big relief. He couldn’t fix her problems but he could help her get there anyway. It had been nagging at him for weeks now that he wasn’t really helping her properly… maybe that was his own fear that if she didn’t need him, that she wouldn’t want him around either.

“You were never one to take the easy route,” he said when she commented on hating not being able to play but not wanting to be away from it either. “But you even just said it yourself… they are your people. Quidditch is still your life even if it’s not the way you imagined it would be. And look what you’ve done! That tiny chaser of yours. Getting 280 points in one match with how young she is? They are her points, but you got her there.”

When it went back to Lorna, Alasdair still wasn’t quite sure about the solution but only what suggestions to offer. “Now, you know I’m an only child and I don’t really get the siblings things but… I still imagine that no matter what you still love family,” he said with a shrug. “She’s your sister. I’m sure she’ll understand if you talk to her. But Elsie, it’s not her fault that she can play and you can’t. You can’t resent her for it. That’s just starting down on a more dangerous path where you’ll resent everyone who gets to play when you can’t.”

That comment about them did give Alasdair a moment to pause. While he DID want to talk about that, he was more concerned about Ellie too. “The figuring out part can wait, but I think you already know that it’s something I’d want.”

Even torn as she was Ellie couldn’t deny the smile at the mention of Scrimmy. She saw so much of herself in that girl, and then some more. At the very least she would try to do right by her dragonling. Dealing with Lorna would be whole other issue all together.

“I’m not ready to talk to her. Not about this.” While her sister might have been aware of some what she had gone through, Alasdair lived it with her. It was far easier to tell him these truths. “And if we’re putting it all out there, I’m don’t think I ever really stopped being angry at her when she left back in ‘93.”

Alasdair smiled too seeing that he did get through to Ellie about some things. He did understand what she was going through only because he lived with her while she went through it. It was what drove them apart ultimately, and he didn’t want to see it continue to ruin her life.

“I didn’t say you had to do it right now, or even soon. Just eventually, talk to her,” Alasdair said when Ellie balked about Lorna. He frowned at that explanation though about being angry with Lorna since she left the game. “Why? Because she made a decision without you? People have kids sometimes. Your Mom had five,” he wondered. “Or was it because you didn’t get to play that long after she left? I don’t know Elsie. There’s a reason in there, no matter what it is. Maybe you should ask Lorna why she left.”

“You don’t have a sister, so you really wouldn’t get it,” Ellie wasn’t trying to be mean, but it was true. While she was one of five, Ellie had unique relationships with all of her siblings. Of them, she was closest to Lorna, with Davina being a close second. It would always be different with when it came to Lorna.

Alasdair didn’t that that remark to be mean because it was true. He didn’t have siblings (and not from a lack of asking). He didn’t even have a father to speak of. Mama Maddock had created that expectation for him that relationships were complicated and that they didn’t last…

“I know. I said that. Only child, remember? It’s just a suggestion. You women are complicated.” But even then, Alasdair was more than aware of how close Lorna and Ellie were. Yes they were sisters, but they were closer mates than that. Allie knew that, and that was why Ellie was so upset about them fighting.

“Also, urgh, where did this wisdom come from?” Ellie pushed her hand into his face, turning his head away in teasing.

He laughed when she teased him and pushed his face to look away. “You all keep forgetting I was in Ravenclaw, remember.”

It was Ellie’s turn to roll over, propping herself up while being mindful of her hand. “I’m still pretty sure you lied or paid off the hat for that one. You have made a better Gryffindor, or perhaps a Hufflepuff.”

Alasdair laughed when she said he paid off the hat to put him in Ravenclaw. “I’ll take that as a compliment,” he said about being a Gryffindor or a Hufflepuff.

“Well, it wasn’t an insult.” Which harked back to an old argument about the huge misstep of their not being a house dragon, but it would have been a very small house. “You think we ought to move this inside?”

Content as she was to lay there in the sand, they were on a beach in December, and while somewhat dressed for the weather it was cold.

“Yeah probably a good idea,” he said. “We can get the fire going if you want,” Alasdair suggested as he moved to sit up and get to his feet. He held his hand out for Ellie to take and help her to her feet. And even after she stood up, Alasdair kept her hand in his as the walked back up the hill to her house.