InsaneJournal

It was highly likely that Lex and Jason would have stayed in the ice bath until one of them had turned blue and gotten hypothermia. As it was, there was a distinct cerulean tinge to their skin as they were wrapped in warming blankets. Aureliana had found out about the contest and intervened, forcing them to admit to a draw. After a hot shower and hot cocoa being pretty much forced upon them, Aureliana left them to their own devices. After all, it was unlikely they would do multiple stupid things in one night.

Unlikely, but not impossible. Having been sufficiently warmed, Lex tugged on her jumper and finished toweling off her hair. "So, does this mean we're going dutch for dinner?" she asked Jason.

“I think technically it means you still pay for my dinner, and I pay for yours,” said Jason. “May the menu be ever in your favor, but fair warning, I am hungry.” It was now an unspoken challenge to see who could order the most expensive thing on the menu. “And I know just the place.”

Once fully dressed, it was a quick pop away to a safe apparating spot in Edinburgh and then a short walk to the pub. Jason was keen to keep the chatter light, passing comments about yesterday’s game until they arrived at the pub and were seated. Then manners probably dictated waiting until the food was ordered, but sometimes it was best just to get to the heart of things.

“So, this BIL proposal complicates things a little.” Jason had nearly said sucks, but then decided against it as a way to transition the conversation.

Lex was grateful for the pint in front of her and gulped down half of it. Complicates things was an understatement. Sucks hippogryph balls was more accurate. Lex had pushed it out of her mind after her conversation with Angus. They needed to play together, not attack each other and after Jason's comment, well, she supposed it had been too much to hope for that they were good without talking about it.

She wanted to be unreserved, to tell Jason what she thought - and what she feared - about the proposal, but things between them were.. Different now than they had been. Lex wasn't sure where they stood and Jason's words were enough to make her stomach feel like lead.

"That's one way to put it," Lex said softly, eyes glancing down to the polished wood of the table. There was none of her usual banter in her words. "Seems a bit of an understatement."

“Well, I was going for semi-polite in word selection, but I could say it sucks. We’re both thinking it, although you’ll probably add a few more colorful words.” While Jason’s hands were preoccupied with the condensation on his pint, he was watching Lex.

“All things being equal, I don’t think not talking about it is going to do us any good.” There were layers there. Maybe more than he would ever know, certainly plenty they carefully didn’t talk about, but he didn’t feel like that was no longer an option. Not when he had the doubt in the back of his head. “How about another challenge? You tell me what you think about it and I’ll do the same? Create an open dialogue rather than let all thoughts eat away at everything?”

Lex was fairly certain she was too sober for this conversation. After all, she was barely half a pint in and this required at least 3 shots of whisky, preferably doubles, if not more. Still, she owed this to Jason. She just wished she had Micah here for support.

Lex downed the rest of her pint and took a deep breath. "I don't trust it. Or the people behind it. It doesn't seem like it's purpose is to help muggleborn players because it doesn't mention compensation for that season or any sort of restoration of standing. It just wipes that season out. Fraser and Mel have some theories about that, but I'll leave those to them."

She traced a pattern on the wooden table, knowing she had to say what she didn't want to. "I can't make right what my uncle did during the war. Or what I didn't do." Lex swallowed hard, not willing to mention that this was potentially her last season with Montrose and the BiL. "I thought quidditch would be enough… to make things right. But it's not. I think if a player was on a roster at the end of '96-'97, then they ought to be paid as if they were on the roster for '97-'98 season and have the same standing - for pensions and seniority. I don't know how to make stats work for that but Fraser might. But the muggleborn players, I think they ought to be compensated, regardless, even if the season is erased."

Jason really hadn’t been sure what to expect from Lex, but it was nice to be pleasantly surprised. “Then I guess we’re on the same page for that one, but good to know it’s not just muggleborn paranoia to not want to trust bureaucracy.” He should have not let himself doubt that she would have his back even off the pitch.

“I think having quid is certainly a step in the right direction of being enough. I’m happiest on days I get to get out there and take to the sky -- that’s never been a doubt -- and as much as I would love it to be some great big healing force, it’s not. Certainly not as it’s becoming more politicized, and forcing us to reopen healing wounds.”

He drew traced an infinity symbol with the condensation from beer onto the table. “You know, once I got out, I thought about not coming back to the game, about just going back to the broom racing scene.” It certainly would have been easier.

Lex looked up and met Jason's eyes. "Montrose wouldn't be the same without you." It was a simple statement but one full of emotion. Regardless of their political views, Jason was like family to Lex. They'd played together for long enough. She shouldn't have doubted him.

"That's what I'm most worried about with this resolution - that it's going to tear us apart…"

It would have been easy to make a joke about them doing well enough with him, but it wasn’t the place. “I came back because you’re family, I came back because not doing so would have felt a lot like running away and that’s not me.”

“I am going to fight, to be able to fly, to be able to play, for justice, and certainly to keep the family together.” His worries were the same as hers. Jason should have known better, but doubt was a funny thing. “So stand with me, talk to me, be an ally, but know there are times I am going to stand on my own.

“Because me, my muggleborn peers, and a whole bunch of other people had a miserable time of the war, a that just keeps happening over who are parents are or are not, and I can’t just sit here and let that keep happening.” Jason had lived through two wizarding wars, he wasn’t keen on a third.

Lex bit her lip. "And what if those things aren't the same? What if you have to choose between justice and keeping the team together?" The worry was written on her face. She was afraid that justice might end up tearing them apart, especially given some of the things that had been said and given her own inaction during the war. She didn't know how to make things right.

She knew her own misery now was nothing compared to what Jason had gone through, that she would never understand. Maybe the best thing was to leave Montrose. Let Jason and Angus shine without her name hanging over the team.

Jason had considered that specific question in depth. Especially when it became clear he couldn’t not choose to stand. “It’s a false dilemma for those with limited insight. There is a way forward that doesn’t punish others, because to do to you, or any other player that chose to survive the war and live their lives, doesn’t help me any. It just feeds into this cycle of hate the realm seems to be stuck in.”

“It would almost do the same thing that running might.” Azkaban sucked. There was no more elegant way to describe it or the months of therapy he went through. And he still wasn’t back to who he was before, probably never would be, but he was better than most by far. “Bottom line is we all have to figure out how to live in the world now. And certainly if I can be optimistic and find the hope you can too.”

Lex looked up, giving him a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Easier said than done." With all the hubbub about the BiL initiative, guilt ate at Lex more often than not - and it was something she wasn't used to dealing with.

"It's just.. I don't know.. It's fine when we're on the pitch playing, but the rest of the time, my head's just a mess.. "

“So, you have some shit to work through, therapy does wonders for that.” Jason wasn’t trying to be insensitive, but they were at a point where he just had to call it what it was. “It’s not going to be easy. And I guess you get to make the same decision I did -- do you run? Or do you stay and fight?” If they truly were family he hoped he knew her answer.

Whatever Lex had been expecting to hear, it wasn't that. She gave him a look. "Quidditch is my therapy." Or it had been. No matter what had been going on with the world or her family, she'd always been able to work out her problems on the pitch. But that didn't seem to be possible anymore because the problems were bleeding onto the pitch.

"Yeah, but it's not about me. It's about making sure that things are done right by you and Angus at the others and that we make Montrose a good, safe space for you guys and the others affected by the war."

“It might not be about you, but it doesn’t mean that you’re not affected.” And Jason honestly could appreciate that the pitch was her form of therapy. Flying could be that for him too, but it wasn’t enough. “And a safe space isn’t just for marginalized groups, it’s a space where anyone can relax and be welcomed without fear.”

He sat back, beer in hand. “If I had my way, everyone would be going through therapy, because we all need to sort through our collective shit if want things to get better.”

"I'd just make everyone hit bludgers for a day and then drink together." Other than her mother's house, Lex wasn't sure if such a safe place existed. After all, there were just some things you didn't talk about. Some things you couldn't talk about in mixed company. And it definitely wasn't Lex's place to speak up about some of these things. Her loyalties were complicated - to her family, to the owners, to her teammates. "Sometimes to make those spaces, though, some people shouldn't be there."

“You’re right.” He would give her that. “Can’t invite everyone into the safe space, but it seems a bit of a mistake to want to create a space that you would be excluded from.” Jason paused, taking a pull from his pint. “Especially when I want you there."

Lex's eyes flickered down to the table again. Jason was too perceptive, but then again, that was to be expected when they'd played together for so long. "Anything can happen in the future.." It wasn't an answer, per se, but she wasn't sure what else to say.

She took a long sip from her pint and studied Jason. The team had been close before the war and most of them had played together for years. The reality was that things had changed. No matter how much she wanted things to be like they used to be, they weren't, and they probably couldn't be. Leaving Montrose and the BiL might not be the best possible solution, but it was a solution.

She reached out across the table to take his hand and squeeze it. "I.. that means a lot, Jason." She didn't at the 'but..' that wanted to come out. "Cheers, yeah?"