Who: Lex Yaxley Savage & Jason King What: A gesture, a conversation (argument?), and some uneasy resolution When: Monday, 5 March before Montrose practice Where: Montrose practise pitch Warnings: Language, Feels
Note: If any Montrose player wants to find Lex drowning herself crying in the showers after this, feel free to let me know. She will probably be a little late to practice (despite showing up early to the pitch), but she will be wearing pink.
Lex was at the pitch early, per her habit. She got ready quickly and was out on the pitch in no time flat, flying laps to try and calm her mind. Flying with Hamish had helped clear her mind, so maybe some extra laps before practice would help. There had been so much in the paper and the journals recently. She didn't know if what she was doing would help or not, but it was all she could think of at the moment. She'd donned a pink t-shirt over her normal black and white training gear, hoping it would be enough. She'd make another donation to Uplift as well.
After a fair amount of flying, she landed, biting her lip when she spotted Jason. "Hey…"
Unlike Lex, Jason tended to arrive to training exactly on time - neither particularly early or late. However, as Monday basketball was on hold until Maddock got the all clear was just a rather exciting round of dog Olympics left him itchy to get to the grounds early and put in a good warm up. The past week, but especially the weekend was a whirlwind of emotions. The storm hadn’t entirely passed, but it was calm for now.
He wasn’t surprised to see Lex out there early, but her color choice was hard to miss. He himself was wearing his ‘I Stand With Monte’ shirt to training today. As much as he tried to be professional with his teammates - specifically Lex and Georgi - things had been a little cold over the past couple of days. He didn’t know where he stood, so he was waiting on them to make the next move. Apparently Lex was doing just that.
Jason grinned as he approached her. “So, did you get dressed in the dark today?” It was a joke, testing the waters to see where it landed. “Because I almost wore the exact same shirt.”
Lex wasn’t sure what to make of the comment so she just shrugged and adjusted her gloves. “Seemed about time.”
He considered her a moment. There was that delicate balance of not wanting to push, but also needing to know. “So, what changed your mind?”
Lex shrugged, considering whether it was worth telling Jason she thought there were better ways to accomplish his goal. But then she remembered how the first quabble meeting had gone. “I’ve always supported you. If wearing pink is what it takes, then so be it,” she said quietly.
“You seem kind of resigned to the fact.” He said carefully, casually even. On the pitch, Jason logically knew that Lex supported him, when it came to all the other parts? Well, he wasn’t so sure. “I get it if pink isn’t your color. It certainly wasn’t mine, but this has never been a fashion statement.”
Lex fidgeted with her gloves. “It’s not that, it’s just … complicated for me. And I know that it shouldn’t be maybe, but it is.”
She bit her lip. She didn’t want to talk about this. She just wanted to move on. “It’s hard for me. I’m sorry it’s taken me a bit longer to get on board with this method.”
“What-” Jason stopped himself from finishing that thought. It wouldn’t serve any purpose. Instead he took a long breath in and out. One. Two. Three. Now try again. Calmer this time, and with less bite. “What is so hard about showing your support for me, for other muggleborns, in public?”
She wanted to say that it wasn’t just in public, but in quidditch but she didn’t think he would understand. “Because I’m pretty sure it’ll result in being cut off from what’s left of the Yaxley family. And maybe that doesn’t seem like much to you… but it matters to me. I know they’re not all good people. I know some of them did evil things and even more stood by and did nothing but they’re still family. And family matters to me.”
She was a badger through and through. That much was clear.
“But Montrose is family too. You’re family too, Jason.”
Jason looked at her a long moment. “And yet, Lex, that’s almost to some extent what every muggleborn goes through by no fault of their own. You don’t get to be there as much anymore, unless you can find a way through it.” Maybe it was the same. His truth certainly wasn’t the same as her. Jason worked twice as hard to make sure he could still be a part of the King family - still in St. Paul’s. “So you either find a way to connect or you build other families.”
He pressed his eyes closed. Jason was lucky. He knew that, his parents, his siblings tried, but it wasn’t the same. Shaking his head, he pushed that line of thought away.
“And okay, Montrose a family you built. But you do realize you have family who aren’t going turn away? Like Aureliana and Jamie?” Jason didn’t persum to know how pureblood families worked, or even where she stood. That more than anything was why he was angry at her. He saw her as someone who would rather forget than try to fix or forgive. And maybe that was okay for a time, but not anymore.
“The war is over. The death eaters lost. The world is changing - myself and people like me are going to do everything we can to make sure we aren’t going to just enter another cycle of hate and segregation.” At this point you were either with them or going to be left behind.
She flinched slightly at the mention of her sister. She wouldn’t expect Jason to understand. “It’s not about Ana or Mel or the Macmillan’s.” Her voice was suddenly tight with the memory of her father. Not even Mel or Ana understood her feelings about her father. She didn’t want to talk about her family though. Because she knew how the world viewed her father's family. And she was pretty sure she knew what Jason and MG associated with her and her last name.
“And I support full integration. We need to move forward not dwell in the past.” She bit her lip, not sure if she should tell Jason. “That’s why I’m considering stepping down. That’s why I’m donating my salary and endorsements from the last season to Uplift. Because you can do something better with that money. And if you need me to help with service projects or speak at a hearing, I’ll be there.”
She wasn’t keen on the latter, especially because of the questions that would be asked about her involvement during the war, but if she was willing to face bludgers, then certainly she could face this.
“Then what is it about, Lex?” Jason tried not to sound exhausted, but he was. This wasn’t supposed to be easy. “Because you’re giving me mixed messages. You’re saying you will help, will speak out, but want to step down? I really don’t see how integration and moving forward means leaving you behind.
“Unless-” He paused there decidedly not saying anything. Jason didn’t want to give those thoughts voice.
“If I step down, there’s room for a muggleborn to take my place,” she said in a voice barely above a whisper. She wasn’t sure if there was room for people like her in the future.
Jason made absolutely no attempt to hide how stupid he thought that statement was. “Lex, that doesn’t even make sense, and quite honestly sounds a lot like guilt telling you to run.”
“And what else am I supposed to feel besides guilt?” She asked Jason.
“Guilt isn’t a bad thing when it’s a step in the process, part of moving on and not dwelling like you’re so keen on.” Jason wouldn’t deny her the guilt, but he didn’t think it was healthy. However, he was not her therapist. “You can’t want to live your life as a response to guilt?”
Lex gave him a look of disbelief. None of this was about what she wanted. “I’m pretty sure the guilts going to stay with me for awhile, whether I want it or not.” Didn’t he understand that? Didn’t any of them? None of this would make up for what she didn’t do. .
“Then do something about it!” That was yelling. Jason was glad that no one else was here right now. “Figure out what you actually want, Lex. Make a stand! Don’t just throw money at something you think you’re supposed to support.” He threw his hands up in the air. The anger was coming through. Training was going to be fun today.
“I mean, I’m not going to turn you away, but I honestly can’t tell if you actually believe in what I’m doing, or if you’re afraid of what happens to you if you don’t.”
“I’m bloody well trying!” Lex snapped, tears in her eyes. It was a mix of guilt and anger and sorrow and shame. “I’m trying to make up for what I didn’t do! I fucking kept my head in the sand and it wasn’t okay but nothing - damn well nothing - will fix that. It doesn’t matter if I empty my vaults, if I devote the rest of my life to charity work for muggleborns, nothing will undoor make up for my inaction - for the fact that I stood by and did fucking nothing while my friends went to Azkaban. And I’m positive that nothing - absolutely nothing - will make up for what my uncle did!”
She paused long enough to take a breath. “So yes, I’m guilty. And the guilt fucking eats at me. And I want to run away because you deserve this. You deserve the Magpies and everything and I don’t! Because I was a fucking coward, Jason, and nothing will change that!”
There was silence. Empathy could be a horrible thing. He had told Alex he was done apologizing or making concessions for death eaters and their families. So, Jason leaned into his anger a little. “YOU! You can change that.”
“Fuck. Lex.”
Those two words probably said everything and nothing at the same time. “I have extended my hand to you. You weren’t ready. And that’s okay. I even acknowledge that during the war not everyone could stand and speak out. I asked you think about where you stand and be ready to defend that. If we’ve arrived at guilt then maybe you need to find a therapist and start working through this … this shit, because nothing is going to change if you just let it stew.”
This had started out well and now, well, it just seemed like a big mess. She glanced from Jason to the ground, not sure what to say or do and unwilling to wipe the tears from her face. Maybe if she just ignored them. She sounded tired and defeated when she spoke. “What more can I do?”
“You can start by helping yourself.” Jason knew it was easier said than done. Therapy wasn’t for everyone, and it certainly took others longer to be ready for it. “Lex, I would be honored if you wear pink with me, but I want you to be doing it because you want, not because you think you have to because guilt or shame dictate otherwise.”
Lex bit her tongue, knowing what was on her mind wouldn’t help anyone. She didn’t know how to do this with Jason, because no matter what she said or did, it seemed to be the wrong thing.
“Jason, I’m doing this because I want to. No one - and nothing forces me to do anything I don’t want. Thought you’d know that by now,” she said, voice lightly teasing at the end because she just wanted this conversation to be over. How anyone dealt with difficult topics without slamming bludgers was beyond her.
Jason raised a brow. But he didn’t voice the question. He didn’t need to. “I don’t always know what I know these days.” Carefully, still. “The world turned upside down as we rebuild.”
She could read the suspicion on his face. Nothing would change that. She sighed. "No matter what, Jason, you're family, and I will do what I can to protect you - on and off the pitch. I didn't before and I'm trying to do better."
She gave him a small smile and shrugged. "I need to go grab something from the locker room before practice though. See you in a few?"
“I’m not going anywhere.” It wasn’t judgement as much as it was fact. He would still be here when she got back. Jason hoped he would be here longer still, and more than that, he hoped she wouldn’t run.
Lex gave him a quick hug for good measure before heading for the locker room. She wanted to wash the tears off her face before practice started and she had time for a quick shower. She wasn't sure if this conversation had helped or not, but hopefully things were at least a smidge better than they were. That was all she could ask for. Right now she felt like she was going to be sick, but she was betting on the fact that a shower and a few hours with bludgers would help set her to rights.