luke henry ; robin (notjustsidekick) wrote in musingslogs, @ 2010-12-22 23:37:00 |
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Entry tags: | batgirl, robin |
Who: Luke and Quinn
What: The first post-kidnapping visit.
Where: Aubade 506.
When: Backdated to the weekend (before this).
Warnings: None.
After being confined to a bed in a warehouse for the past week, saying that Luke was relieved to be returning to the Aubade apartment would be an understatement. It was easier to avoid everything that happened while he was hidden away from the real world, but even he knew that isolating himself and keeping everything bottled up inside couldn’t last forever. There were people he needed to see and things he needed to say - besides, Christmas was barely even a week away. Life wasn’t going to stop for him, so he needed to start doing some major catching up before he was left behind completely.
He’d been worried that there would still be lingering press or curious bystanders hanging around, but the Aubade guards were paid for a reason and they got up to 506 without much trouble. The gift Alfie had told him about was on his bed, just as she’d said it would be, and he read the note a couple times before most of the names started to sound familiar. They clearly had good taste in gifts - cookies and brownies didn’t make everything perfect, but they went a long way - and he made a mental note to thank them himself later.
Not everyone knew he was back yet, but the most important people did and Quinn had already said she was coming by in a couple of hours. It at least gave him some time to piece together what he was going to say, but time slid by and he realized that he was going to have to wing it. At least he was in better shape than he’d been a week ago, and he hadn’t even needed to ask Thomas for privacy - the living room was empty save for himself. Due to increased security the guard called first before letting Quinn up, but Luke gave him the all clear and told him to let her know that the door was already open.
The time between the phone call and actually getting a chance to see Luke was passed trying to keep herself busy. As if everything was fine and normal once again, Quinn had done her errands, checked in on Wren constantly, and took out all the bundle of nerves and anger in the dark alleyways in Rainier Valley. She still didn’t feel right, despite everything. Every time she thought of Luke, there was a strange tightness in her chest. She worried, fretted even, about the boy. She could pretend to be her usual self, but she still sat up and wondered if he was really okay.
Quinn was relieved when she was able to get through Aubade without the hassle of press. There had been a few who had tried to corner her to ask her questions during the main ordeal -- one of the Brandon’s heir’s friends who had her photograph splashed through pages of Seattle news. She could only avoid them so long without incident, but she knew she’d get torn a new one if she had actually punched one of the press. Quinn didn’t take any chances, though, in her dark coat and sunglasses as she walked across the lobby to get allowed up to see Luke. The gift she had for him was tucked carefully in her coat pocket and she couldn’t help a brief flash of a smile cross her face when she was given the okay to go up to 506.
She still knocked to announce her presence on the door when she made her way there. Lifting her sunglasses to rest on the top of her head as she pushed open the door, “Luke?” Quinn asked as she entered. Shutting the door soundly behind her, Quinn lingered for a moment as she took a good look at her friend from the entrance to the living room. A few seconds would be enough to keep herself in check.
Luke was up and off the couch by the time Quinn had the door open, not wanting to look like some sort of invalid since he was more than capable of standing and walking now. The IV was no longer necessary, and although he was still building his way up to eating regular food he didn’t look half-starved and pale anymore. The bruises hadn’t fully faded yet and the wounds around his neck were healing slowly at best, but he looked a hell of a lot better than he had when Thomas and Roger found him. “Hey,” he said with a faint smile. Should he hug her? Better yet, would she let him hug her? He took a few hesitant steps forward, stopping behind the couch. “It’s... good to see you, Quinn.”
Quinn couldn’t help but to stare at Luke for a moment, as if she was uncertain he was really there in front of her. If it was tough to pull the words to her feelings out of her, she showed something in her actions. Her hand gently touched the bruise surrounding one of the neck wounds, wincing a little in a sympathetic pain before she took a step forward. Her arms slid around Luke, tentative for a moment as if she didn’t know how much force she could put behind her hug. Afraid that she’d add hurt on top of hurts to her friend, but there was a fierce emotion of worry and relief that practically radiated off of her as she closed space between them to hug Luke. “Stupid boy. Worried so much,” her voice was gruff, strained with reined in feelings.
Damn. He’d forgotten about covering up his neck, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it now. “It’s not that--” He started to assure her that it looked worse than it really was but stopped short when she slid her arms around him. Luke was definitely surprised, even more so when it became a hug. Quinn was actually hugging him, which really drove home how worried she must have been since she’d never struck him as the affectionate type. He hated that he’d done that to her, and he hugged her back tightly to reassure her that he was fine. “I know. Stupid boy, that’s me.” He made no move to pull back or break the hug just yet. Even if it was awkward to say out loud the truth was that he had missed her, especially since he hadn’t been sure he was going to see her again. “But I’m okay now. I’m here, and everything’s okay.”
When his arms tightened around her, her own hug tightened to almost clinging. She had been worried, an honest creeping fear over how bad Luke’s health was to be not allowed to see him. The last time she was kept away from someone on the mend was Gwen, and the next time she saw her there was a wheelchair involved. The thought of something like that happening to Luke was deeply upsetting to her. She ducked her head a little, obscuring her face against his shirt and a fan of dark hair. “Still stupid,” she replied, “Good that...you’re okay. Make worse if not.” It was a sorry attempt at humor, but she was trying.
There were a few minutes of just quiet, holding on to him before she finally took a step back. She wasn’t looking up at him when she seemed to wipe something from her cheeks before Quinn finally looked up at him. Her face was the perfect mask of how she usually appeared -- casual stoic without the emotion that she had just shown. Gesturing back to the couch, she ordered, “Sit. Have gift for you.”
He let her cling to him and held on just as tightly, intensely grateful that he had the apartment to himself. Even though it had only been a week since they’d spoken over the phone it still felt like longer, and he’d realized during his captivity that Quinn was a closer friend than he’d initially thought. She wasn’t always good at saying how she felt, but right now there was no doubt in his mind that she cared. “Lucky for me I’m resilient,” he teased in return, swallowing heavily to get rid of the sudden tightness in his throat.
It was difficult for him to keep from apologizing, especially when he felt he should for putting her through all this - not only for what happened to him, but for what Wren had suffered too - and he almost lost his nerve when he caught her wiping her cheeks. A second later her expression returned to normal, and Luke was torn between disappointment and relief. “A gift?” He raised his eyebrows questioningly, but returned to the couch and sat as instructed. “Okay. But just so you know, I got you something for Christmas too. I just... it’s not here yet.” He assumed whatever she’d gotten him was an early Christmas gift, at least, and he really had gotten her something... or he was planning to. He knew what it was, he just hadn’t had a chance to actually buy it yet.
Quinn waved her hand at him dismissively, “Don’t need things. Happy have you home. Enough for me.” It was a simple statement, but the honest truth. She was content with having her friends alive for the holidays than anything else. In what they all did, beyond the kidnapping, it was a gift in itself. She unbuttoned her coat, draping it across the arm of the couch before she pulled a small gift box from the pocket. Settling down on the couch next to Luke, she tucked her legs up beneath her and held the box out to him, all wrapped in a festive green wrapping paper. “Open,” she encouraged, a hesitant smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.
When Luke unwrapped it, inside was a small pendant -- a size of a dog tag, copper on a soft leather string. The pendant had a robin cut in to the metal. Quinn looked a little pleased and teased, “Bird for a bird.”
Luke rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, feeling the heat rise in his neck and hoping that he wasn’t turning red at the same time. It was a disarmingly honest thing for her to say, and even though he didn’t know how to react it made him feel... good, somehow. “You deserve more than just me being home. Besides, Christmas isn’t about getting what you need. It’s... about getting someone what they want, or what you think they’d want. I wanted to get you something because you’re my friend.” It wasn’t the most eloquent explanation of Christmas and gift-giving, but it was going to have to be good enough.
He took the box with a grin and tugged off the paper, feeling a spike of anticipation despite himself. Once the paper was discarded on the couch next to him and the box was open he lifted the pendant up from it’s leather string to get a good look at it, letting out an appreciative laugh when he recognized the bird cut into the metal. “It’s great, Quinn. Thanks.” Luke fastened the pendant around his neck and only hesitated for a moment before leaning over and giving her another hug.
Quinn scoffed a little at his explanation. She didn’t deserve more than that. It was enough for her, but she wasn’t going to argue with Luke right now. She was just glad he was healthy, so she was letting things slide even though he was wrong about it. Watching Luke, she gauged him for a reaction. She had bought it on a simple desire to give him something with some meaning, deciding after looking everywhere that this is what she wanted to give him. There was a pleased smile that crossed her face again when he seemed to appreciate it.
The hug surprisingly didn’t catch Quinn off guard, rather she went in to it willingly. She hugged Luke back tightly, before she pulled back a little and reached up to touch the pendant. “Good?” she asked, with a little smile. She looked serious though as she held on to his hand, “Good have you home.”
The pendant was simple enough in terms of design and most people wouldn’t have looked twice at it, but the meaning behind it made it far more special than even the most expensive of gifts. Quinn probably understood better than most people that what he did as Robin wasn’t just a hobby or something he did for the hell of it, and her gift was a representation of that. It was that one key thing they had in common that he didn’t share with most people his age. “It’s perfect,” he assured her, realizing that it sounded a little corny - but it was the best way to describe it. His smile became a little more serious at her expression and he gave her hand a quick squeeze. “It’s good to be home.” As strange as it once seemed, living in the apartment, he realized that now it really was like home.
“Especially in time for Christmas,” he added. The apartment wasn’t very festive yet save for the lighted windows and the towering tree in the corner that Alfie had apparently sent over while they were gone. It was still bare, and he had a very strong feeling that decorating it was going to be entirely his job - Thomas didn’t seem like the sort of person who cared very much about Christmas. “Oh-- wait a minute.” He got up from the couch and headed into the kitchen, grabbing the basket of cookies and other baked goods Alfie had passed on to him. “Thomas will kill me if I eat all of this on my own,” he said with a laugh, sitting back down beside her. “Here, grab whatever you want.”
Quinn grabbed a cookie when he offered it, giving him a tiny smile in thanks as she ate it. It gave her a little time to look at him thoughtfully. She felt more assured that things were fine the more she sat with him. It was calming actually, just getting a chance to be with Luke for a moment. It felt like getting to fall asleep with Wren -- safety and a reminder that her friends were alive. “It’s good,” she told him, as she took another cookie. There was a quiet hesitation as she looked at the cookie in her hands, “Um. Sure...you’re okay?” She didn’t want to press too hard if he didn’t want to talk about it, but she’d be a damn terrible friend if she didn’t offer to listen.
He settled back against the couch and chewed on a brownie, aware of Quinn’s gaze on him even as he sorted absently through the basket’s contents. Luke knew from experience that the words ‘I’m fine’ or ‘I’m okay’ were often used when the exact opposite was true, and practically everyone seemed to be watching him as though he might have an outburst at any second. He didn’t get that vibe from Quinn, although he was never really sure what she was thinking. “I know, right? It’s only fair if I share the sweet goodness.” He paused at her question, swallowing the last of his brownie and shrugging. “Yeah. I don’t know if anyone believes that, but I am.” It wasn’t the entire truth, but he didn’t know how to explain the anger and lingering guilt that he didn’t know how to get rid of. Quinn might understand, though - she sounded like she’d been speaking from experience when they talked on the phone. “You said that... guilt hurts more than helps, when we last talked. How do you... stop feeling it?”
Quinn was quiet, eyeing Luke thoughtfully. It wasn’t that she didn’t believe him when he said he was fine, but rather he was ignoring the parts that did hurt. She always thought it was easy to do too -- ignore the pieces that still hurt. She gave him a knowing look when he asked her before she furrowed her brow, trying to think. All the lessons with Gregory and it was still difficult for her to gather her words together, but damned if she was going to try. “Guilt....sometimes it doesn’t...go away. Sometimes,” she paused to consider her words, “you have to turn it in to something else. Move it away from hurting you.”
From the little he knew of Quinn’s past, a mixture of what she’d told him and what he’d seen, he was almost positive that whatever she said would be far more helpful than any advice he could have gotten from most other people. “Is that what you did?” It was a genuinely curious question, but it slipped out before he had time to consider it. “Sorry,” he said immediately after, just in case he’d crossed some kind of line he wasn’t aware of. “But I think if... I turned it into something else, well, it’d be something productive. Focus it out there--” He gestured toward the window, “Instead of at myself.” It sounded so easy in principle. How long did Quinn carry her guilt before she turned it into something else?
Waving off his apology, Quinn nodded in response. As much as it bothered her to crack open and talk, Luke needed someone at the moment to talk to him. “It was,” she agreed, but paused before she continued, “But. I took...a long time. Lot of running from it.” Sighing, Quinn pointed at Luke, “Focus outwards. You can do that. You’re better, not broken.”
Secretly he thought that the memories had helped him understand Quinn a little better, although it wasn’t something he ever intended on saying out loud, and now her reasons for what she did made even more sense. “You’re not broken,” he said with a frown. “I only saw a little of what you went through, and it’s still more than I’ve ever experienced even now. It didn’t break you because you’re here, fighting on the right side.” Luke reached out without thinking and covered one of her hands with his, just for a moment until he realized what he was doing and pulled back sheepishly. “But yeah, you’re right. I just need to focus outward and... channel it into something better. I think I can do that.”
She looked down at their hands for a moment before back up at him, her expression unreadable to Luke. She wouldn’t say anything about it, rather she quickly said, “Broken.” As she pointed at herself before pointing at Luke, “You’re not. It’s why you’re...you. And I’m me.” A shrug followed the statement, pretty much settled to how Quinn saw both of them. The broken one, the better one. It was a simple explanation to everything about them to her.
“Guilt consumes,” Quinn continued, shifting her legs beneath her. “If you let it, they win. S’why you don’t. Never let them win.”
He wasn’t sure exactly why it bothered him so much that Quinn referred to herself as broken, but all that really mattered was that it was fairly evident that it did. Still, Luke didn’t want to push her into talking about something she’d rather not talk about. “There’s nothing wrong with who you are,” he muttered, but left it at that.
She was right, of course. Luke knew that it he let it the guilt could easily consume him and turn him into something angry and bitter, something he desperately never wanted to be. For a brief moment he thought of Corbinian, and how he’d left what happened to his wife haunt him to the point where brutally killing the ones who’d taken her was the only thing that could give him some semblance of peace. That was a point that scared him, and he didn’t even want to start down the road that would lead there. “I won’t let them win. As soon as I’m back to my full strength I’ll start going out again and try the focusing outwards thing.” It was about time he actually started doing something.
She wished she could tell him everything to make him understand, to see why everything is the way it is. There was a part of her, though, that was too scared to push Luke away after everything else that had happened to them. “Know you won’t,” she said quietly and with a sudden boldness, reaching for his hand and grasping it in hers. Quinn gave him a hesitating little smile, reaching up to tap the pendent, “You’re Robin. Won’t let them win. Why I like you.”
One day he’d figure out why people seemed to have so much faith in him, but for now it seemed he was stuck continuing to wonder why. Luke glanced down at their joined hands, but instead of making him feel awkward - which seemed to be his default setting most of the time - it made him smile instead. There were a few people whose opinions really mattered to him, and Quinn was one of them. “Thanks.” For a moment he wasn’t sure what to say, but he wasn’t going to make the mistake of reading too much into things despite what Wren thought. “So you like me because I’m Robin, huh?” It was clearly meant to be a joke, since he knew what she’d actually meant.
Quinn pulled a face at Luke, sticking her tongue out at him for that joke. “No,” she said, sounding almost a bit scandalized and a twinge annoyed that he would even suggest that. “Like you cause you are you.” A simple statement that meant the entire world to Quinn to express. It was the closest she ever came to telling someone why she kept their company. In her own way, it was the best way she could open herself up -- even if it was only a crack in the shell -- to someone else.
Luke couldn’t help but laugh at her expression. “You know I was just kidding. Most people our age don’t get it, what we do, but you do.” It was a ridiculous explanation but he had a feeling she’d get it anyway, just like he understood what she meant even though it was a simple statement. Sometimes those were the ones that meant the most, though. “I’m glad. That’s the best reason to be liked for.” He shrugged. “That’s why I like you too. Because you don’t pretend, you’re just... who you are, regardless of what people think.”
For a brief moment, as Luke laughed and explained, Quinn wondered if that girl he saw understood what Luke did. She doubted that he had shared that with her, but that was his own business. Even if she didn’t understand exactly why he’d keep people close and not let them know what they were dealing with. Quinn shrugged a little bashfully when he said he liked her, wrinkling her nose a little at herself for the strange surge of emotion. Again, she looked down at their hands before she said quietly, “Realized though.” There was a long hesitation. She might as well come clean. It wouldn’t change anything, but he deserved to know. “Realized. When...gone, Wren was right.”
The fact that the only people who knew what he did were the ones who did the same thing in one way or another wasn’t lost on him, but for the time being that was the way he liked it. Of course he wanted to protect the people he cared about who weren’t involved in the things he was, but it was also a matter of uncertainty - he didn’t know how people like Bunny would react, and it was a pretty big secret to have kept. Luke tilted his head to the side curiously, unsure of what Quinn was trying to say. “Realized Wren was right about what?”
Quinn wasn’t a person who lost her nerve easily, but with Luke in front of her and looking at her. She was close to just abandoning it, burying it deep and not letting it bother them again. Yet, it’d be cowardly for her to not just say it and leave it there. “Right about that,” she gestured between them as she spoke, “That...I care. A lot. Friends, but. More.”
She holds her hand up with a little shrug, “Admit it. I do. But... just telling. Nothing more.”
Luke didn’t know what to say. He was mostly surprised, yet a small part of him had suspected Wren might have been right for a while - but not long enough. Maybe he should have realized it earlier, but he hadn’t, and he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to react. “Oh.” There was a sense of uncertainty, but he almost felt guilty. She’d been upset and he’d been too blind to see it. Somehow he had to accept this information without letting it come between their friendship.
“I’m sorry for not realizing it before. I think I should have.” He paused. “But... thanks for telling me, Quinn. Still friends?”
With a roll of her shoulders, a tilt of her head, and a simple shrug, Quinn answered Luke, “No issue. Still friends.” If he wished for it to be as simple as that, then it would be. It never came down to her, rather it was on him. She had made her peace with the unobtainable, never expecting more than a friendship. It didn’t mean she didn’t wish to get away from this as soon as possible, though. “Always friends,” she said simply, but pulled her hand free from his and glanced at her watch as if she actually had somewhere to be.
“Have to go,” the lie sounded like simple truth. “Oracle.” An easy reason to blame.
He felt like he’d said something wrong, or maybe he hadn’t said enough, but nothing else was coming to mind. There was no way for him to make the situation better because the reality was that he had a girlfriend now, and the feelings Quinn had for him couldn’t be reciprocated because he felt that way about someone else. Maybe mentioning Bunny too much around her was something he should avoid, though, just to keep things from getting too awkward. “Okay. Good.”
Luke regarded her uncertainly before nodding. “Alright.” Somehow he doubted that she really had to go, but he wasn’t going to force her to stay. “Thanks for coming by,” he added, rising from the couch.
Quinn got up from the couch, after a brief moment of hesitation, she leaned in to hug him. She didn’t linger longer than she had to. Thankfully, it was over and out in the open. A totally useless endeavor, but it allowed her to shut that door and lock Luke out again. With a hint of a smile, she pulled back and told him, “See you. Feel better.” She tapped the side of her head, “Com line if need anything.” With that, she headed out the door.