lookmaimmawolf (lookmaimmawolf) wrote in multifariousic, @ 2015-09-04 03:14:00 |
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She’d slept poorly the night previous and had absorbed exactly nothing in class this morning. Maybe it shouldn’t have gotten under her skin so much that she’d been able to see that filter. Maybe it really was just Tim. The only thing was that Joey hadn’t ever seen herself as a mother figure for Tim; she’d always just sort of seen him as a little brother. Derek was the father figure because it was clear to anyone who knew the kid that Tim had daddy issues. Joey hadn’t seen his money in an age and had no intention of watching it again or reading the book that had inspired it in an attempt to dig into the little boy’s psyche to find out why; she just knew that he attached himself like a barnacle to the older males that had been in his life and that smacked heavily of the desire for a father figure. He reminded her of herself in that way, except that she had attached to Aunt Donna and Melissa McCall, because she had no relationship with her mother. Tim didn’t seem to have that problem; it was just men. So she suspected that he probably saw her as an older sister the same way she saw him as a younger brother. So, needless to say, while being invited to join a book club was innocent enough in and of itself, the fact that she’d only been invited because she’d seen under a filter for married women and mothers when she wasn’t either was...well. Terrifying. Because she couldn’t wrap her head around why Tim would have made it visible to her, the only possible thing that came to mind had kept coming back to was the reason behind her finally breaking down and asking Elsa to buy her some pregnancy tests. Joey wasn’t due to get her period for another week and change, but the tests boasted accurate ability to detect pregnancy six days before a missed period, so she’d go to Elsa’s apartment again on Monday after class, take the test, and if it was negative, she could breathe and again and Derek would never have to know. If, on the other hand, the filter meant more than she was ready for it to mean, then she would have to embark on a conversation she wasn’t entirely sure either of them would ever be ready to have, but she was fairly certain that they wouldn’t be ready to have it this soon, in any case. Elsa had been able to calm her down a lot when she’d gone over there, but she couldn’t stay at Elsa’s all night. She finally headed back when the sun started to go down and she thought she’d be all right. Unfortunately, the second she opened the door and called out that she was home and Tim came tearing around the corner to give her a hug and start babbling excitedly about the science project he was going to be doing with Coach this weekend, all of the anxiety and stress slammed back into her like a tidal wave. “That’s great, buddy, we’ll have to go to the store after school tomorrow and get you some supplies,” she said, sounding as distracted as she felt before Tim pulled away and she gave him a playful smack on his behind, telling him to go wash his “grubby hands” before dinner. Derek had found himself, for the utmost time, grateful that he had the stamina that he had, because Tim had woken that morning with a ball of energy that seemed to have come out of nowhere. He was sleeping a little easier now, the nightmares weren’t coming every single night, and it was starting to show; Derek was a werewolf and he could barely keep up. He had just managed to lie down and catch his breath in the bedroom when he heard the front door open, quickly followed by a patter of running feet across the floor as Tim welcomed Joey home. He dragged himself up with a grunt, but as soon as he got to the doorway of the bedroom Derek could smell it; she reeked of anxiety. That wasn’t a good thing. Joey didn’t exactly handle pressure fantastically, but she didn’t easily crack under it either, and she was a lot more anxious than she ever was for a test or a particularly difficult day at work approaching. He had never sensed so much stress from her at once, and his own pulse picked up with his own anxiety as he left the room to move and approach her with Tim. He hovered, waiting for her to send him off to wash his hands before finally stepping in and allowing his arms to wrap their way around her waist so he could lean down and press a chaste kiss to her lips. “Hey,” he began, his voice a little flatter than usual in his concern, and Derek glanced over his shoulder to make sure that Tim was in the bathroom before looking back at her with a small downturn to the corners of his mouth. “Is everything alright?” Derek sounded unsure, but only because he didn’t really know how to word himself; he was quickly learning that accusatory terms like ‘what’s wrong’ and ‘what did I do’ were the wrong way to go. “You’re stressed. What happened?” Joey was so grateful for the hug that she almost missed the kiss that came with it, but after returning it, she pressed her head against his chest and frowned to herself. This was why she’d gone to Elsa’s for so long after class in the first place; she’d known if she came home worrying that he’d smell it on her. “Hi, baby,” she said back, just as flatly, because she would only be fooling herself if she tried to sell him a tone that didn’t match her scent and she knew it. Part of her wanted to tell him, reflexively, that nothing was wrong. The fact that she might not actually be lying if she did was tempting. It wasn’t really something she thought that they should discuss with Tim around and it wouldn’t take him long to come back downstairs. She could already hear him scurrying back toward the staircase. “Use soap, Tim,” she called up in her I know you’re trying to be slick, but I don’t buy it voice. A quiet ah, man… floated down the stairs and she heard him moving back toward the bathroom. “Nothing happened, really, I’m psyching myself out, babe, I’ll be fine,” she said, finally looking back up at Derek, her arms looped around his waist. “Can we talk about it after dinner…? When Tim’s up in his room doing his homework or out playing if he already finished it?” she asked and the look on her face was caught between reproachful and apologetic. It was probably the very last thing she wanted Tim to overhear mid-conversation. Despite the overwhelming sense that something was very off Derek couldn’t help but smile when he heard Tim turn and lazily make his way up the stairs once more, but if faded quickly after Joey refused to tell him what was happening. Well, no, not refused, but she didn’t want to talk about it where Tim could hear, and that concerned Derek even more than before. The last thing he wanted to do was sit across from Joey through dinner without knowing what was making her feel this way, whether it was him or something that had happened to one of her friends. Or her. He had opened his mouth to protest but he quickly snapped it shut, reminding himself that Joey wasn’t purposefully making him nervous; it wasn’t like she was pretending that nothing was wrong, she was just asking for privacy, and Derek knew that, logically, that was more than fair. “Alright,” he finally agreed grudgingly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other in discomfort as he nodded. “Alright, we’ll talk after dinner.” A slew of questions were on the tip of his tongue; was it something that he did or said? Or, worse, forgot? And if it was, why couldn’t they talk about it where Tim could hear? How bad was it that they had to keep it from him? His head swirled with worst case scenarios and Derek had to take a deep breath to calm himself; Joey loved him. If it was something absolutely awful she would tell him, and he trusted her. He just needed to remind himself of that sometimes. “Come on, I’ve already got the table set. We’ll talk later.” Despite his words he hadn’t let go of her, his grip around her tightening to pull her into another hug, partially for her and partially for him. The last time he was this worried, he was psyching himself up to talk to her about her way out of the relationship if she didn’t want to stick around after Tim arrived. Dinner had gone by somewhat quietly, though Tim didn’t seem to pick up on anything wrong. He spoke nonstop about the project that he and Derek were going to make, and more than once Derek had to remind him to actually stop and eat before his food got ice cold. They went through the motions of cleaning up and spending time together, although Derek’s head wasn’t really in it. More than once he found himself staring at Joey, more terrible situations popping up in his head one by one, and when it was finally bed time Derek did his duty and read Tim a story until he fell asleep before making his way back to the bedroom with a pit in his stomach. He had been so eager to find out what was wrong before, but after time and his own imagination had taken over Derek wasn’t sure if he wanted to know anymore. He stepped in and closed the door behind him. “I’m probably going to take him to a craft store tomorrow,” he began cautiously, afraid that jumping right into it would just make it worse. He moved to his dresser, tugging off his shirt before digging around for a pair of clean sleep pants. “He’s been more energetic lately, I think it’s because he’s been sleeping better.” Joey didn’t need werewolf senses to know that dinner was agonizing and waiting for Derek to return from putting Tim to bed was nothing short of tortuous for both of them. For the first time in a while, Joey opted out of joining the bedtime story, her stomach turning with nerves. Instead, she changed into her pajamas and settled in bed with one of her school books, trying to concentrate on the chapter she needed to start reading and failing spectacularly at actually retaining anything she’d read by the time Derek came back in. It wasn’t lost on Joey that Derek was dancing around the subject, but she wasn’t sure whether it was supposed to be for her benefit or whether it was for his own. “He’s really excited about it...at least that means we won’t have to fight him to actually do it,” she said with a lilt of hopefulness creeping into her voice. “I’ve noticed that, too,” she agreed, giving up on the book and closing it, setting it down on the table beside her side of the bed. Joey chewed on her thumbnail for a second while Derek was looking through his drawers. “...it really might be nothing,” she said after a moment, deciding she’d rather just address the elephant in the room and get it over with. “It’s just...I don’t know, it could be a thing and there’s no way for me to know for sure, yet, at least not for a couple of days. But it really could be nothing,” she promised, although the hope she meant to attach to the tone fell a little flat. Joey ran a hand through her hair, chewing on her bottom lip. “I wasn’t going to say anything until I knew, if I had to, I really didn’t mean to bring it home with me and freak you out, too, Derek. I’m sorry…” It was stalling and it was a preface all at once. She paused for a long moment before finally forcing herself to continue. “It’s just that someone posted on the network and I thought maybe the filter was broken, but I was the only one in there, I think, who thought so...so then I thought maybe it wasn’t broken and I couldn’t figure out why I could see it and then I realized that maybe I could see it because—” Joey stopped again, shaking her head and wincing. She forgot the important part. “Someone posted a filter to married women and moms…” she said, looking apologetically back at him. “...you know…?” Derek nodded in agreement when Joey had said that they at least didn’t have to fight with Tim to do the project in the first place, the heavy twist in his stomach too much for him to give a verbal acknowledgement as he pushed aside the same pair of pants for the third time. His hands stopped moving as soon as she began but Derek didn’t turn to look at her just yet, and he didn’t need to. He could smell how nervous she was, and hear her heartbeat along with the waver in her voice; he didn’t need to see it in her face as well. Once she actually told him what was happening, though, Derek was a little confused. A filter? This was about a filter? He almost turned to ask her what the filter was for that shook her up so badly, but she has answered his question before he could. He turned around anyway, looking confused. “But we’re not marri-” Derek had stopped himself in the middle of his sentence when the rest of what she had said finally processed for him, and his face fell a little as his cheeks went pale. Oh. Suddenly, Derek found himself wishing that he had felt the way he had felt twenty seconds ago, because now the anxiety was so much worse, and it took him a few moments of staring at her with his mouth agape before he could finally manage to find words. “Okay.” Not what he wanted to say. “But you’re not. I mean, you’re not?” He went from being positive to being unsure very quickly, and Derek abandoned his search for sleep pants in favor of walking to the bed and sitting on the edge of it to look at her. “We’ve been careful,” he said aloud, although he knew he didn’t have to tell Joey that; she was there. She knew that already. Derek was justifying himself to the universe. “Right? Do you think - no, you probably just saw it because of Tim. He sees you as a mom - or a guardian, at least. Right?” The more he tried to reassure the both of them, the more unsure he sounded. “...Do you think…?” He swallowed hard, trying to calm the suddenly frantic thoughts in his mind. “Are you late?” Derek started to rebuke the filter and he stopped short. “Yeah…” she replied, eyes widening a little as she nodded. She watched his expressions carefully and she hadn’t missed the way that the color had drained from his face. Her lips pressed together as she waited for some sort of verbal response from him. The okay had her lifting her eyebrows with surprise and confusion, but he went on and that made more sense. “I know, babe,” she replied sighing softly. “I might’ve. I might’ve seen it because of Tim. I don’t know, I...always kind of got the impression that we kind of see each other as siblings with a particularly large age gap, but it could’ve been because of Tim. It really could’ve and it might be nothing, that’s why I wasn’t going to say anything...yet.” Shaking her head, Joey shrugged a little. “I don’t know. I’m not due for another week and a half, give or take a day. So I can’t even take a test for a few days, I have no idea.” She looked and felt less nervous then, and a little more defeated because she knew it was just as frustrating for Derek to not know as it was for her. It must be. “Right.” He didn’t even know what he was agreeing to, and Derek was staring to feel a headache coming on. He loved Joey; Derek was positive that he had never loved anyone the way that he had loved her, but she was still young, and she was trying to put herself through school. Derek had never been a father of an infant, an actual baby, and although every damn version of him that showed up seemed to have been bitten with the baby bug, he wasn’t sure if he was one of them. Derek had taken Tim in because the boy had nowhere else to go; he would never give him up for the world, and he admittedly hoped that Tim’s real father didn’t show, but Tim was different. They had all just moved in together, Joey had already proved to be an amazing girlfriend by being so wonderful with Tim in the first place, but it was still different. It was all different. He didn’t like not knowing right away, but Derek knew that it was impossible and they would have to wait for now. Even if she was pregnant, and even if they did decide that they wanted to have it, Derek wasn’t even sure if she could. He had no idea how the anatomy worked, and although Lily was around he didn’t exactly want to ask her just how her mother managed to have a child with a werewolf. He was convinced that his relationship with Joey could handle anything, but this was big; it changed everything. She had said herself that she saw Tim more as a little brother than anything else, and that was what Derek had assumed in the first place, but a baby would change the entire dynamic of their relationship. And for him, in the end, he didn’t even know if he wanted to be a father like that just yet. Derek moved, finally, and he shifted closer to Joey before sitting beside her and wrapping an arm around her shoulders. He couldn’t imagine how she must have felt when she saw the filter, and although he knew that he really could have been because of Tim, all of it was more than a little unsettling. He leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “Then we’ll wait,” he finally said. “We’ll wait until we know what’s going on and if you are, we’ll take it from there. We have options.” Derek hesitated for a few second, and his arm tightened around her. “And whatever you want to do, we’ll do. But for now, we’ll have to wait.” He couldn’t help but add on, quieter this time, “do you know what you want to do? Have you thought about it? Just in case…?” It felt like it took forever for Derek to say anything. The “right” had been a filler; the sort of thing a person said to acknowledge that they’d heard what had been said, whether or not they’d managed to process it fully. The long pause between suggested that he was still in the process of wrapping his head around it and Joey couldn’t blame him. She’d had almost a whole day, now, and she still hadn’t. The worst part was the not knowing, because Joey knew that the stress surrounding the uncertainty would only perpetuate itself. Stress, she knew, could interrupt a regular cycle and then she would be late, because she was worried about being late. When Derek shifted closer, Joey melted against him, wrapping both of her arms around his middle, and her eyes closed when she felt the kiss on the top of her head. While she’d had no doubt that Derek would be outwardly supportive, she still wondered whether, on the inside, he was upset. He’d always stood on the other side of the fence as the other Dereks, as far as parenthood went. He’d thought they were crazy. Tim was different, because he was just a little kid with nowhere else to go and Derek was the closest thing to a guardian; Derek was the only person that Tim had trusted when he’d shown up alone. This was potentially an entirely different situation. The fact that he was saying that it was her call was both endearing and infuriating, because it wasn’t a decision Joey thought she ought to be making alone. He should have a say and, from the sounds of it, he didn’t want one, which only made her feel more secure in the thought that he wouldn’t want this. But then if he was just saying that for her benefit and he did like the idea, if she decided she didn’t want it, would he resent her forever for it? Joey pressed her lips together and took a deep breath in through her nose before letting it out softly again. Had she thought about what she’d want to do if she was pregnant, he asked, and Joey hadn’t even let herself get that far. Her mind floated to Dave, who’d been talking to her about adopting a child from Isaac’s orphanage, because he wanted so badly to be a father, and how she’d advised him away from it for the time being because of his demanding career. What would it look like to her best friend if she got herself knocked up and decided she didn’t want to be a mother? What if she couldn’t be a mother? What if her body wasn’t compatible with the sort of offspring that Derek’s genes might have helped create? Or what if she could have a baby with him, but because her own mother had bailed before Joey had a chance to really know what it was like to have one, she screwed it up so badly that their kid hated her? “I didn’t really get that far…” she finally admitted. “...are you mad…?” she asked, and that came out as a whisper, even though she hadn’t meant for it to. Derek couldn’t blame Joey for not knowing what she wanted to do if she was pregnant; he didn’t know either. He had no idea whether or not he would be okay with starting a family, but right now he knew that he was scared. Everything had been going smoothly with the three of them after he went through a frightened spell thinking that Joey might get sick of him after Timmy had arrived, he didn’t expect to ever feel that way again. But this felt worse; he was afraid for his relationship, and his relationship with Tim and how he would react if there was a baby on the way. The multiple factors piled up in his head and Derek had to take a deep breath once more to try and ground himself. But nothing grounded him as much as Joey did when she asked him if he was mad, and his head snapped down to look at her quickly as he leaned back to stare, as if trying to figure out if he had heard her right. He wasn’t sure if he was confused or hurt or both, but he shook his head and said without hesitation, “what? No, that’s ridiculous, Joey, why would I be mad at you?” He worked hard to keep his tone even. “Unless you’ve been able to miraculously do this on your own I’m pretty sure we’re both responsible for whatever happens here. Not just you. ...Like I said, we’ve been careful.” The question seemed to snap Derek back to his senses from the haze that he had been in. “But if you’re pregnant, we’ll figure it out. We have people to ask about these things around here, we’re not going to have to figure everything out by ourselves. I don’t know if I want children; I know that I’m not ready, but I don’t think either of us are. And sometimes things happen before you’re ready for them to happen, but that doesn’t mean that I’m upset with you, or at all. I’m just…” he trailed off a little, searching for the word. “I’m scared. This is all unfamiliar to both of us and I don’t really know what to do, but I’m not mad. And I’m not going anywhere.” He tacked the last part on just in case, because Derek wanted to clarify that part most of all. Joey felt Derek move and she tilted her head up to look at him. “No, not…” her voice trailed off for a second before she finished the sentence. “Not at me, just...in general...I guess,” she clarified awkwardly. Mad probably wasn’t the right word. ...no, it was definitely the wrong word, if she thought about it a little more. Upset would’ve been better. But then, after he’d gone on to continue his response, he said that he wasn’t upset. There was some relief there, but he also said he didn’t know if he wanted kids. It was one thing to not want them right now, but entirely another not to want them at all and that made Joey a little nervous. She knew that she wanted them at some point. “...me too,” she admitted when Derek said that he was scared. “I want kids, I know that, just...I wasn’t really expecting it now,” she added, almost nervously, because if he didn’t want them and she did, even if he said he wasn’t going anywhere, would that be true further down the line? “Maybe it won’t even matter, that’s why I didn’t want to say anything, yet, I’m sorry. I wish I wasn’t dragging you down into this with me when it might not even matter right now, you know?” He didn’t know. Derek couldn’t comprehend why Joey would want to wait and carry this on her shoulders by herself, even if she wanted to just wait until she knew for sure. They were in the situation together, and Derek hated the idea of Joey having to handle a second of it all by herself. It wasn’t worth arguing with, though; he knew now, and that was all that mattered. “You have nothing to apologize for,” is all he said, but he said it genuinely, because he had meant it. He was, however, hesitant about her comment; they hadn’t really spoken about children before. Derek wasn’t sure if they were even supposed to yet at this point in their relationship, but Joey wanted them, and Derek had no idea if he was capable of being a good father. It was easy with Tim, because Tim was already a little person, feeding and dressing himself with the occasional need for discipline. But raising a baby was a completely different story. He thought about it for a minute or so, mulling it over in his own head, and when Derek spoke again he did so slowly, still trying to formulate his thoughts into words. “I don’t know if I could be a good father. I have no idea how to take care of a baby.” He hesitated for a few seconds more, and he knew that he was flirting with a dangerous line, but considering the topic of conversation and recent events he doubted he had much to lose. “But I would want to try, if it was with you. I think I could, with you. Not… right now, necessarily, but someday, yeah. I couldn’t do it alone. But I could do it with you.” The idea of having a baby with Joey wasn’t something that Derek was opposed to; in fact, he quite enjoyed the thought of it. But with where they were in their lives right now, he felt like it was happening all too fast. Tim was already unexpected, and he wanted to have more time to be the three of them before they became a four. “I know it sounds impossible but for now, I think that we’re getting ahead of ourselves. We don’t know what’s going to happen. We’ve got to take one day at a time.” He hesitated. “And I think you’re right, I don’t think that we should tell Tim, not until we have more information at least. What do you think?” Joey appreciated that Derek wasn’t frustrated with being bogged down with the uncertainty right alongside her, but she still felt bad for not being able to keep it to herself until she could at least take one of the tests. Then again, this conversation would have been so much worse if it had been “Derek, I’m pregnant,” instead of “...I saw a filter that scared the shit out of me,” essentially, now that she thought about it. Then maybe he would be mad that she’d kept it from him. A sympathetic smile crossed Joey’s lips, though, when Derek finally spoke after a brief moment to think. “...Derek, you’re a great dad,” she replied. “You don’t see it that way, I think, with Tim, but I think he does. And I don’t think anybody knows how to take care of a baby the first time they have one; you can’t judge yourself based on that,” she replied. “...but on the same token, I don’t know if I’d be a good mom. I don’t even really know what a mom does; mine ditched me when I was little. I’d be winging it and hoping I didn’t screw everything up.” She paused for a moment, though, and looked back at Derek when he specified that he thought it was something he could do, if it was with her. In spite of herself and the difficult conversation they were having, Joey smiled a little, endeared, at that. “I don’t think it sounds impossible.” Joey took a deep breath and nodded. “Yeah, we should definitely keep Tim out of the loop for right now. If I am...then we’ll cross that bridge.” Joey chewed on her bottom lip again for a moment before smiling weakly again, but there was sincerity in her eyes when she did. “...I love you…so much, Derek, you know that?” He shook his head, not shifting to look at her again but speaking with a positive tone to his voice. “No, Joey, you’d be an amazing mother. You’re not even in your twenties yet and you handle Tim better than I do, it comes naturally to you, I see it every day. It doesn’t matter that your mom wasn’t around. ...So I guess it doesn’t matter that my father wasn’t either. We’ll never know until we get there.” He shifted down into bed a little, pulling Joey closer into his chest, and when he looked down at her he saw the sincerity in her eyes and it confused him. Apparently he said something right again, and Derek was getting really annoyed that he wasn’t taking notes from himself because he never managed to figure out exactly what he had done that had managed to make her look at him that way. He loved that look. “I love you too.” He shifted to his side so that he could wrap both of his arms around her, moving to lie down instead so he could face her with his head on the pillow. “It’s going to be okay. Whatever happens, it’s going to be okay. That much I know.” He sounded sure, because for some reason, he was. Derek leaned in and pressed a kiss to her mouth again, this time one that lingered, before resting his forehead against Joey’s. “I love you and no matter what happens, it’s going to work.” As much as Joey wanted to rebuke his assessment that she would be a good mom based on her interactions with Tim, she didn’t. To her, being around Tim was like finally having a sibling to teach new things and stick up for if there were bullies at school and be goofy with just because that was the kind of kid he was. It didn’t feel like mothering to her, but then she’d said herself, she didn’t really know what mothering was. Joey curled in against him when Derek shifted again, smiling slightly into his kiss. “...I’m kind of glad you called me out. I actually feel a lot better, having talked about this, even though I was positive that I’d feel worse. Not because of you, but because talking about it makes it a real possibility more than stressing about it by myself does, you know? But yeah. We’ll figure it out. Together.” She gave him another chaste kiss to follow his softer, lingering one and then Joey tucked her head beneath his chin, the way she knew he liked when they were getting ready to fall asleep. “...night, baby, I love you.” “I’m glad I called you out too,” he teased, finally managing a crooked little smile as he leaned across her to shut off the light on her bedside table. He returned to her, wrapping her tightly in his arms once more, and Derek nodded when she finally agreed that they would figure it out together. It was all they could do at this point, but as long as she wasn’t alone, and she knew that, that was all that mattered to him in that moment. He felt himself starting to calm as she tucked her head under his chin, and Derek allowed his eyes to shut as he slowly worked his fingers through her hair. “I love you too,” he returned once more, “get some sleep.” He gave a quiet and content sigh against her; he felt better as well. Anxious, still, and nervous, but a lot better than he did when she got home. “Apparently we have a science project to make tomorrow.” |