selfigniting (selfigniting) wrote in multifariousic, @ 2015-08-19 02:57:00 |
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Entry tags: | !thread, lydia martin (selfigniting) |
Who: Alpha Lydia
What: Narrative
When: 3AM
Where: Beach
Rating/Warnings: Self pity, kind of?
Status: Closed/Complete
She picked her new home for the view. There were dozens of places that she could have gotten if she wanted to, ones that overlooked the city at an angle that people would probably kill for, but that wasn’t what Lydia wanted. She wanted the ocean. She wanted the stars. Sometimes when she needed to remind herself that the world wasn’t actually on her shoulders she would swim out into the water and turn her back to the shore, staring out at an empty horizon while being slowly rocked by the waves. When it felt like the world was out to get her just to see how badly it could break her down, it was comforting to know that she was handing herself over to the universe; floating in nothingness that could swallow her whole without a second thought, where the blood that ran through her veins was irrelevant. And when she always inevitably swam back to shore it was as if she had gained reassurance. The world wasn’t out to get her. Nothing wanted to crush her. Because if it did, it would have when she gave it the opportune chance. But sometimes the ocean wasn’t enough, because although it was large, and powerful and merciless it was still finite, and when that became too stark of a reality, she turned to the stars. She was lying now in the cool sand of the beach that was in front of her apartment complex, fingers digging into grains and salt air filling her lungs. The sound of crashing waves lulled her into a peace, but not in the way that the stars did. So what if she didn’t have her pack? So what if she felt lonelier than she ever had, it didn’t matter. She was small, and insignificant, and some day the changes that she made and the lives that she touched would be useless. She would be forgotten along with all of her successes and failures, and sometimes that didn’t feel like a bad thing. She missed Boyd. She missed her Isaac, and god she missed her Derek. He would know what to do; he always did. Derek had an amazing habit of giving fantastic advice as long as it wasn’t for himself, and he was like a brother to her, but the ones here weren’t the same. One couldn’t stand her which, to Lydia, was fine; it just meant that he wasn’t Derek. Not the one that was important. Most of them didn’t even speak to her and the last one, the one with a family and a little boy and a wife, had rxactly that; a family, a little boy, and a wife. He didn’t need to deal with Lydia’s crises, and worse than that, what if she disappointed him? She was an Alpha. She had managed to keep her pack alive and strong, she made hard decisions every day, and yet here she was lost and alone and small because of this place. She was pathetic, and Lydia was humble enough to recognize it. The arrival of a red-eyed Stiles sent her for a spiral. She had left him with Scott, in the end, because it seemed like the right thing to do, but he was still Stiles, and Stiles was one of the most important people in Lydia’s life. That’s why this was a mistake. That’s why she needed to learn how to control herself, and reel herself back in, because the fire that she was playing with was dangerous and Lydia thought too highly of herself when she thought that she could manage to handle it. The only person she had ever fallen in love with was Jackson, and much to her dismay everybody knew exactly how that ended up. She had never been with anyone else, the mere concept of her being interested in someone as terrible as one of the twins made her sick to her stomach, and because of that she gave herself too much credit. She couldn’t find comfort in a man without getting attached, and to make that man one of her best friends was just foolish. Lydia was a stupid girl. She had left her tablet inside after seeing Stiles chatting with pretty girl on the network after already telling her that he didn’t have time to visit, and instead of working herself up and getting upset she decided to try and logically approach her situation at hand. Because it didn’t really matter. She was small, and insignificant, and things that felt like they stopped the world didn’t at all. Everything was still spinning, and she would be fine. If she gave him his space and freedom, he would be fine. If she just shut herself off, she would be fine, but Lydia didn’t want to do any of those things. She wanted to be selfish for once in her life and chase after something that she actually truly wanted, something that she knew very well didn’t want her back. So she refrained, and tried to think of someone to turn to, and she always came back to the empty sky. She usually saw constellations and shapes, but tonight she saw only dead stars, and she thought that maybe for once the sky had become just as useless as she. The downside of remembering just how small you are is that, although it makes your problems look insignificant, it brings attention to the empty space around you. And for the utmost time that night, Lydia noticed just how lonely she truly was. |