Agent Fox Mulder (i_want_2) wrote in multi_fiction, @ 2008-09-11 15:41:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | het, lord of the rings, rated: adult, slash |
Fic: Please Dismember Me 1/1 Lord Of The Rings
Please Dismember Me: The Unfinished Tales
Lopaka Tanu
Warning: Mary Sue Deaths, Sexual Suggestion, Language, Violence, Disgusting things.
Rating: Adult
Disclaimer: I do not known Lord Of The Rings.
Summary: It came this way once, and you did not listen, now I rise again and you will pay forever. And it is time for the Marys to go, may they rest in pieces!
Author's notes: Bwa hahahahahaha! Seriously, I read a lot of things that squick most readers, but when they are done in poor taste, even I can't stand them. There is some poor taste in this story, but I still read it, go figure.
________________________________________
Crime Scene One: Return of the Queen.
Act One: We three Wise Women.
Running through the woods of Fangorn Forest, the trio of former Fellowship raced towards what they thought was Saruman, weapons at the ready. When he raised his staff they ducked for cover.
"Hold your ground. I am not he that you seek!" Gandalf deflected the arrow with a wave of his staff. "I said hold, do not continue." Another arrow came at him from another location.
"Prepare to die, traitor!" Aragorn charged with his sword at the back of the white robed wizard. Before his sword struck, a white mist filled the place of Gandalf. "Enough of the tricks, astari traitor! Show yourself."
Bringing his staff down across the Human's shoulders, Gandalf growled out, "I am not whom you think!"
Aragorn ducked his head as the beating continued trying to swing out with his sword. "Gimli, Legolas, now my friends!"
"What..." before he had a second to think, he was covered in ropes, and his staff in the hands of the dwarv. "Untie me this instant!"
"Not until we are through with you. We are going to make you pay for what you did, traitor." Aragorn hissed at his smarting bruises as he stood in front of Gandalf.
"I am not Saruman!" He growled as he was hit over the head with his staff. "Becareful with that, you bumbling Orc."
"Oh, then who are you, Lady Galadriel of Lothlorien?" Another hit from Gimli as he carelessly tossed about the staff.
Narrowing his eyes, Gandalf glared daggers at the laughing trio. "I am warning you, do not test me. Untie me now, and return my staff or else."
"Hold me, Legolas, I fear for my life," Aragorn cried out as they continued to laugh.
"So shall yee ask, so shall yee receive." A brilliant light filled the clearing as the trio screamed. As the light disappated, the screams grew higher and more shrill. When all was day again, they stood around in their former places, but different than they were.
"What was that?" A soft and slightly high pitched voice asked. "What happened to my voice?"
"My clothes, they don't fit," came another feminine voice. "What is this, why is my tunic so tight... ahhhhhhhhhhhh." The blood curdling scream filled the clearing followed by a thump of a body hitting the ground.
"It's gone," she cried. Down on her knees, hands between her legs, she cried as she felt down the front of her pants. "It's gone! My little Aragorn is gone."
"It serves you right," the chipmunk voice spoke. "I warned you to leave me my staff, but you three are the dumbest of companions a wizard could ever hope to never meet."
The first turned to the pintsized wizard. "What have you done to us," the female dwarv asked?
"I cast a spell of reversal. You are the opposite of what you were."
"Well change us back, Saruman!"
"I am not Saruman! Damn you all to Mordor, I am Gandalf!" The minature wizard was hopping mad now.
"Gandalf, but how, you were dead," asked the newly awakened Lady Legolas.
"Well I am not dead, for every day is a new age. Now get you my staff and I will consider undoing this spell." He lifted up his arms expectantly as the female Dwarv and the female Elf looked at each other expectantly. "Well, where is it?"
"I was frightened in the flash of light."
"What did you do," screeched Gandalf?
"I accidently dropped it, and it broke in half." He held up the two pieces for Gandalf to see. "I did not mean to do it."
Gandalf took in the sight of his broken staff with a stone face. "Very well, hand it over."
"Why, you no longer have its magic?"
"Because I am going to shove one part up your ass and beat you with the rest!" With that, the foot tall wizard jumped from his rock and chased after the dwarv sending streamers of magic at him from his hands. "I will teach you to mess with a wizard you bumbling bastard of an Orc. Get back here, I'm not through with you yet!" They disappeared amoung the large ferns and tall trees, the occasional cry of pain as Gimli was zapped.
Huffing in anger and indignation, Legolas sat Indian style attempting to cross her arms over her ample bossom. "You take him from behind, he says. You are wrong, it is not Gandalf, he says. Your eyes are no better than mine, he says."
"IT'S GONE!"
"Oh shut up, you whiney bitch!" Legolas growled as she rubbed her lower abdomen. She felt the need to eat something made of dark sweet chocolate. When Aragorn started to sob incessintly, she felt the urge to slap her, hard. So she did, it felt so good, she did it again. Before she did it a third time, another bad cramp hit her, and she doubled over. She glared at Aragorn. "You are going to die a long, horrible death after my cramps stop, Human."
Aragorn could only continue to grab at her missing member and cry over the lack of its presence.
End Act One
****************************************
Act Two: Gimli Got Back. Slash Warning for this part!
Walking over the plains of Rohan, the three former members of the band known as The Fellowship of the Ring, were trying to avoid being seen by others. Twas a good thing Aragorn was the tracker for Gimli was constantly being distracted by the insessently humming elf. It was not the song that was driving him to distraction, no for it had quite a fetching tune, but the occaisional word or phrase that slipped out was playing havoc with his imagination.
"...round thing in yer face..."
There! He had not imagined that. Turning around, he caught the Elf as his eyes shifted back to the plain. But the movement had been so slight, it could mean anything. With a growl he went back to watching the land.
"...get sprung..."
"That does it you blasted Elf! I will know what you are going on about!" Gimli had stopped dead in his tracks. "What is your song?"
"It is nothing. Just something I happen to learn in Lothlorien."
"Then sing it aloud that we may all know what drives me to distraction and you to be that distraction."
"I would rather not, for it tis rather vulger..." He took in the scowling looks. "Right, here goes. Cause you notice that butt was stuffed, deep in them breeches he's wearin. I'm hooked and I can't stop starin. Oh baby I wanna get with ya..."
"That is quite enough!" Aragorn was glaring at Legolas. "I don't want to hear another verse of that.... that... that vile bar room carol!"
"All right, as you wish, I was honoring the request of the dwarv."
"I don't care, keep such things from my ears!" With a snort, he stormed ahead.
"What is the matter with that Human this time?" Gimli shook his head in dismay.
"He is jealous." Legolas rested a hand on the dwarv's shoulder. "Pay him no heed for his petty feelings of inadiqucy!"
There came a loud scream of rage ahead that scattered what little of birds that were around.
A dark smile crossed the Elv's features as he walked beside the dwarv. "Come, Gimli, tell me of your cavern."
The Dwarv eyed him suspicously for a moment, then nodded. As he talked, Legolas sighed with contentment and moved closer to him. He stopped after a bit, noticing the glazed look his friend held. "Is there something the matter with you?"
"Only if you stop."
"By you are a strange one."
But Legolas did not hear him as he had gone back to humming and singing to himself. "I seen them dancin... hmmmm mmmm... the hell with romancin."
Gimli looked at the Elf with shock. "I think you might be possesed by Sauron."
"Think again, oh mighty one."
Gimli faced forward to Aragorn. "What is this deviltry?"
"Shut up, Aragorn!" Legolas put himself between the Man and Dwarv. "I have told you it is over! You have not what I need!"
"What you need?" Aragorn was speechless for a moment. "I thought love was all we needed. I gave you the best years of my life!"
"Yes, and for a Human, they probably were. But I need something more than a roll in the moss." Legolas smirked at the red faced Human. "Besides, you weren't that good. Face facts, Aragorn, you are too..." He looked him up and down. "narrow."
Aragorn's eyes popped out as he gasped. For a moment his only sounds were high pitched squeaks as he tried to speak. Then his brow furrowed as his eyes narrowed. "You shameless hussy!"
Gimli's eyebrows shot up his forehead. "What did you say, son of Arathorn?"
Aragorn stomped up infront of the Dwarv, a hand on his hip and used the other to slap said dwarv across the face. "It is you, isn't it!"
"Do that again, and you will lose your head!" Gimli caught the hand as it came back for another round. "What has gotten in to you, the both of you?"
Tearing his arm away from Gimli, Aragorn gave a loud sob. "How could you, Legolas? I thought I meant something to you."
Legolas shrugged as he stepped closer to Gimli. "I told you, skinny just doesn't do it for me."
Enlightenment dawned on Gimli like the flames of the sun in the morning across the lands, as his eyes went wide. "So that explains the Lady's lingering hand. To you elves I am nothing but... but... but," he sputtered to come up with an appropriate name.
Legolas' arm slinked down his back and copped a feel. "Exactly! I told you dwarvs were smarter than Humans."
Aragorn sank to his knees as tears ran down his face. "I thought you loved me."
"Get over yourself, Aragorn, I got me a real man now. Come, Gimli, tell me more on this wonderful cavern of yours." Legolas led the blushing dwarv further across the plains.
End act two.
****************************************
Act Three: There is something Queer afoot here. Warning of slash.
Legolas awoke from his coma stasis this morning feeling extra fresh. There was something in the air today, and he was feeling extra special. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, nothing could go wrong. The only way it could get better was if he was surrounded by men. Many, many men, in their tight armor and their thick, long swords. He shook his head to remove the sudden need, was it getting hotter?
By the time he had bathed in the local creek, there were sudds flowing down the stream for over a mile. How he loved bubble baths! Things were lookin up from there. They had found the path of the Orcs last night before they settled down and after morning meal they were going to hunt them down.
Since he was the first up, he gathered the things necissary for breakfast, and prepared them with a flourish that would rival his father's chefs. Humming all the way, he had heard the songs while in Rivendell, and had not thought anything of them until this morning. "Baby baby, I'm taken with the notion..."
Aragorn came in looking at the Elf with surprise. There was something odd about the way he was behaving, almost queer. "You seem to be in a better mood this mourn, my friend."
Legolas looked up, a twinkle in his eyes. "Isn't it just wonderful?"
Aragorn shot backwards at the wide eyed stare, a surely narcotic induced look? "Have you eatin something different this mourn, Legolas?"
Giggling, Legolas shook his head. "No, silly. I am just extremely... happy!"
Nodding, Aragorn backed away slowly until he bumped into Gimli. "Gimli, my dear friend, I need your help. Something has overcome Legolas."
The Dwarv watched as Legolas skipped to the stream to refill his water skin. "He does appear to be a little light in his loafers this morning."
"You notice it too? Thank Valar, I thought I was alone."
Gimli shook his head in disgust. "It is the same with all Elves. A bunch of queens the whole lot of them."
Aragorn could only watch in shock as Gimli walked over to the food muttering about prancing elves and frolicking females. When Legolas came back, he nearly had a heart attack. "What in the name of all good are you wearing?"
Legolas looked down at his clothes and smiled. He had cut and sewn himself a new skirt made from his tunic. "Do you like it? I was pondering of a more fashionable outfit, but decided against it because we are on the move. But I was growing weary of the same boring clothes, so I made me a flowing skirt. Besides, it matches my new hair color, see!" He twirled showing his long braids highlighted in green.
"It... matches," was all he could say in the utter shock.
"You know, Aragorn, I was thinking as I made my outfit, what is the point of chasing after those nasty Orcs? I mean sure they have our friends, and they mean them great bodily harm, but can't we all just get along? Middle Earth is such a beautiful place, and we can all live in harmony."
Anger suddenly filled the frozen human. "But Legolas! What of our quest? Remember your pact?"
"Oh! I almost forgot. Thank you for reminding me, Aragorn."
Feeling satisfied his friend was coming to his senses, he nearly fainted when the Elf pulled out a small wooden case and started applying coloring to his face. "What is this?"
"My compact! Lady Galadriel said I would need it." As he finished his make-up, Legolas turned and walked towards the way they had come. "I'm going back to Lothlorien. It is such a pretty place, and Mordor is so dark and disgusting. Toodles!"
Aragorn's eyes nearly popped out as he watched the Elf shake it as he walked away.
"Close your mouth, Strider, you are attracting flies. I knew there was something queer about that Elf from the moment I laid eyes upon him. No one is that gay and not under some sort of influence!"
End Act Three.
****************************************
Act Four: Who's Your Daddy? Warnings of Slash and MPREG.
Legolas came from his vegitive state with a start. Something was wrong, Gimli and Aragorn were arguing, but trying to keep quiet about it. He quietly walked through the sleeping hobbits and human towards their arguing. Carefully, he made his way behind a tree near them to evesdrop as curiosty won out over modesty.
"It is not mine!"
"Whom else could it be? I have not been with another since I left my home in responce to Elrond's summons."
"Then you are lying for you could not be in this condition! You are a man for Valar's sake!"
"A dwarv, and it matters not. Gimli, Son of Gloin is having the son of Aragorn, Isildur's heir."
Aragorn's laugh was echoed through out the woods as Legolas held his breath. "What nonsense is this, Gimli?"
"Not Nonsense, man! Galadriel herself confirmed my suspicions with her magic."
Aragorn went pale. "Galadriel?"
"As in your future inlaw, aye one in the same."
Legolas stomped in fury, he had heard enough. "Aragorn, son of Arathorn the second, you are a dead Human!" After he tackled said Human, he proceeded to rip him apart piece by piece. "How dare you! I thought she meant something to you!"
Now it was Gimli's turn to pale. "Arwen, I forgot about her!"
"Not Arwen, you Orc's Whore, mine and Aragorn's daughter." Legolas continued his assault of the manegy looking man. "You promised to make me an honest Elf! That our daughter would have a father!"
"What? He promised me the same thing!"
Gimli watched with growing horror as the same thing came from the mouths of all four hobbits and the other Human. "What dark magic have you been up to, Strider?"
"Gimli, help me!"
Legolas hit him in the stomach. "Answer his question before I let the hobbits have a go at you."
"I've not been up to any magic, this I swear." The beating resumed. "I swear, I have not been in to magic, it was Lord Elrond!"
"What?" Legolas pulled back. "Why would the Lord of Imladris pull this trickery on us?"
"It was a spell, he placed something in the water to increase the population. Had I known you would be able to become pregnant before hand, I would have never laid with any of you."
"Oh, so our daughter is suddenly not good enough for you."
"No..." That was all he got out before the pounding resumed.
After it was over, Aragorn was alone on his quest to throw the ring in Mordor. In a boute of pity, the ring threw itself in the fires, unfortunately it was attached to Aragorn at the time. Thus ended the quest, and as the only Human, Boromir became queen of Gondor, his child the true heir. The others formed the Fellowship support group and sailed west with their adoptive grandfather at the end of the third age.
End of Act Four.
End of Crime Scene One
****************************************
Crime Scene Two: Pretty Woman, walkin down the street...
Act One: Bambi.
Gimli, Aragorn, and Legolas were walking through the woods towards the plains of Rohan when the elf stopped dead in his tracks. "By all things Valar, what in name of Eru Iluvatar is that thing?"
The other two searched in the direction he indicated with his bow. Gimli was the first to spot it. "I have never known such a monster!"
Aragorn, however, was less than shocked for he had encountered one such as this before. "Do not pay it any heed, for it is only a Mary Sue."
Dwarv and Elf looked stunned. "Surely you must be joking."
"It is no jest, my friends. That is a Mary Sue as I live and breathe." His voice dripped with disgust. "What amazes me is that a creature so burdened with its own body and appearance would be found in these woods."
"Aye, they are vain creatures, but never in all my life have I seen one so... deformed." Gimli pointed at the big haired, tight clothed Mary Sue. "Her chest is swollen larger than a cow's utter, and her lips appear to be infected."
Aragorn placed a hand on Gimli's shoulder. "Settle your unease, it is ignorant of our ways, and therefore must be pittied. It knows not that it looks like a tavern whench."
"I have heard of such creatures, they sell their bodies for currency. Though I must admit to never having seen one." Legolas gave the bimbo another look. "And with good reason I might add. Where in all of Middle Earth would such a creature be considered attractive?"
Aragorn snorted. "A place called Nevada. That is the only legal holdings of such creatures anymore."
"Where is that?"
"Beyond the great desert in to the land of the eternal flashing lights."
End Act one.
****************************************
Act Two: The Bionic Woman and Six Million Dollar Man.
Aragorn felt his body start to turn to gel as the woman stroked his face. A giggle erupted unbidden from deep inside him. She was perfect in every way. He had been attracted to her by her singing, and now her beauty and charm held him entranced.
"You love me, don't you?" She pouted at him and looked up at him underneath her hair.
"With all my heart."
"What about Arwen?" She traced a hand seductively down his chest.
"Arwen who?" He gasped when her hand trailed down his stomach.
"That is what I thought." Her musical laughter made his spine tingle. "Now what about the ring?"
"What ring?"
"The one ring, silly."
"Oh, that ring, Frodo has that ring, and he is on his way far from here."
"Thanks, sweetie, that is all I needed to know." She perked up her chest and barrels popped out of her breasts. "Say bye, Ari baby!"
With a stroke of his blade, Aragorn removed her head. He ducked out of the way as her breasts fired randomly around the inn before he sliced her in half killing the machine. Looking down in horror, he stood up from the bed and ran to warn the others of the trickery. Ever since they had entered the city, the women were too perky, to perfect. Now he knew why.
As he ran out of the room, he spotted Gimli about to let his female Dwarv into his room. With extra speed from his anger, he pounced on the female dwarv. As he came up, holding the hair, he looked at it in horror until he realized it was a wig. He looked back down at the struggling dwarv beneath him. "It's a man, Gimli, a man!"
Gimli watched in disgust. "And I let him..." Then he promptly passed out.
Aragorn drove his sword in the head of the male dwarv and jumped back when it started to get up. Just when he thought it was going to kill him, Gimli's ax came down and decapitated it. He nodded his thanks as the Dwarv continued to dismember it. With no time to waste, he footed off to Legolas' room. Inside the Elf had already run the woman through with six arrows and she still kept coming, professing undying love for him.
Legolas noticed Aragorn in the door way and spoke at him with bone chilling terror. "For Valar's sake, kill the beast!"
Aragorn swung his sword, slicing half way threw her. She turned to face him as her body reformed over the gash. "What manner of sorcery are you."
"I am a Mary Sue T-1000, you will not seperate me from my man!" She started towards Legolas again, but was blown back when a large man with a strange metal stick shot her with a blast of light and sound through the open door way.
The man turned to Legolas. "Come with me if you want to live." He then backed out, taking the scared Elf with him. He shoved Aragorn aside when the human tried to seperate Legolas from him. "Leave him, he is safe with me. Find Gandalf, tell him of this, he knows where to find me, now go!" The large bulky man shoved Aragorn down the hall towards Gimli before dragging Legolas the opposite direction.
Legolas looked back at his friends. "Where are you taking me?"
"Some place safe." He tossed the Elf through the second story window, and jumped down to follow. When he was sure Legolas was unharmed, the large man dragged him on to a two wheel metal cart and kicked it in to life. They were flying through the streets of the town before the Elf knew what was happening.
"But why, what are those things."
"Those are the Fembots, the Marty Stu T-800, Mary Sue T-800, and the Mary Sue T-1000 series. The T-800s are a living flesh over metal indoskeleton, while the T-1000 is pure liquid metal. They have been sent from the future to retrieve the one ring, kill the ring barer, and to aquire you at all costs."
"Why are you here?" Legolas felt like he was going insane.
"I am the guardian of the Legolas. I am to protect you at all costs. I am too from the future."
"Will that thing kill my friends to get at me?"
"Probably. That is why I sent them to Gandalf. Only the hotest fires of Mordor can stop the T-1000."
Legolas nodded in grim understanding, holding on tight as the wind whipped past his body.
From a vantage point over the town, a woman in smart brown hair cut marked off something on her tiny, green glowing box. "Dhes es Frau, zend morh vem-bots! Vhe 'ave a prah-blem."
End Act Two.
End Crime Scene Two.
****************************************
Crime Scene Three: Icons, Models, and Sex Symbols.
Act One: Flash Dance!
****************************************
Act Two: Take Me, Take Me Now!
Legolas walked through Rivendale, his cloak drawn close about him. Something strange was in the air, and he feared it was catching. Suddenly every member of the purposed Fellowship had stared completely out of character at the most enchanting of creatures. Several had what would be normally comical reactions, but in this case it was severely disconcerting.
He froze at the siren song coming from the falls. No, he would not go there, would not fall under the demon's spell. Suddenly her singing intensified and his mind clouded over. In the next moment he was floating, little birds flying about him tweeting. His levetating brought him to the most heavenly creature he ever saw.
In fact, his eyes shot out like daggers at her form. His jaw hit the ground and his tongue unfurled like a rolled carpet. The next instant found his chest pulsing out in the oddest manner, his heart beating like a drum. After that his pant's split open at the crotch as his massive member suddenly stood erect.
She was in a word, perfect.
His face shifted from an elf to a wolf and he was stamping his foot, whistling at her. "Woowee baby!" He rushed forward and grabbed her petite form in his arms and ravaged her lips. When he pulled back, she slapped him and sauntered away.
"Listen, Mr. Wolfie, I aint that kinda girl, ya here!"
"Come on, doll face. Give us a kiss." His arms reached for her again and she slapped him back with her purse that materialized out of thin air.
"What, buster, can't take a hent?" She slammed him with it again as he tried to stand. "I said," wack! "I aint interested!"
He watched as her red haired, red dressed form sashed away. "Huba Huba, baby!"
End Act two
****************************************
Crime Scene Four: Perfection Nevada.
Act One: Chanticleer.
She alone sat in the middle of the woods of Lothlorien. Her hair was of beaten gold, her eyes of the deepest lilac. Skin as fair as the dew at dawn on a spring day in the warmest of suns. Basically she was all that!
It was at night she would come to the middle of the wood, and in the pale moon light, sing her songs. So beautiful was her voice, few could not fall under her spell, and they were orcs, so who would want them. That is why she sang at night, no one was around and she need not fear for her maidenhood. Not that she wasn't able to defend herself against all those who would take it, she just didn't like getting her nails dirty.
For many were the days since she had been spyed in these woods, she decided it was okay to venture out. On this night, she did not count on the arrival of the Fellowship into her woods. That they would be curious, and drawn to her voice.
And they were, curious, and drawn to her voice. Especially Legolas.
In the clear meadow at the center of the woods, she sat in the pale moon light, she strung her lap harp. Her usual harp too big to lug around, do you know how heavy those things are? As I was saying, she strummed a string on her harp. And then belted out a melody of pure joy.
"There once was a man named Nick,
who was renouned for his big *schtick*,
to measure his inseem,
the tailor did scream,
With that you hast better not me stick!
Silence met her words as they watched her wide eyed. Taking this to be a sign she was doing well, the Lady continued.
"We came upon a large Elf,
whos breeches hung by a belt,
when upon let loose,
saw twas no noose,
but with a porn star we delt."
Still nothing, so she decided to try her best voice with the next song.
"A man with his favorite sheep,
who at night did more than sleep,
came next spring,
born a halfing,
suckling from a ewe's teet."
Now they were coming her way, she had gotten their attention. It was time to employ her best song ever.
"An orc and a Dwarf laid in a cart,
who's wheels had quite come apart,
when did rocking,
don't come knocking,
of love, they were making an art."
After this no one saw the fair maiden, or her harp. It was reported they of the orc persuasion had carried her off to their cave and ravaged her with great glee. Still others believe she still haunts the woods, singing her songs.
"There once was an Elf maid called redrum,
who loved rumors enough to spread'em,
stop if you hear,
the message is clear,
don't go you repeat or might end up deadum.
End Act One.
****************************************
Crime Scene Five: Tag! You're it!
Act One: All Bets Are Off!
The banks of Anduin were littered with the corpses of the Urak-Hai. While the remaining members of the fellowship stood in the back ground contemplating the battle, Aragorn knelt down beside the body of the dying Boromir. He clasped the head of his friend in his lap, and whispered his honors. After a time, he looked up at their friends with tears. "He's dead, Boromir is dead."
Instead of the expected sorrow filled looks, the others started stomping and cursing. "Damn it all to Valar, Frodo!"
"I told yee, now pay off your debts." The small Hobbit held out his hands expectantly as the other three started removing various bits of ornimentation. When Legolas offered him a small coin, Frodo shook his head. "Un uh, Legolas, I want the dagger from your belt wrapped in a lock of your hair. That was the anty."
"Bloody little orc kissing..."
"Cut the language, Elf, an' pay the little welp! You made him a deal like the rest." Gimli pulled his own braided beard locked in a silver clasp, cut it off next to the skin, tied the end, and handed it over to the hobbit. "There, never let it be known that a dwarv refused to settle his debts."
Sam tugged on Frodo's shirt, offering his own short hair wrapping around a small coin. "'ere ya go, Frodo sir. Like the gaffer says, be yee kind to yer debters else they take a piece of ya."
"Thank you, Sam, you truly are a man of honor. Unlike some elves I know."
"Fine!" Legolas cut his braid and wrapped it around the dagger before thrusting it at Frodo. "I hope it brings the Orcs to you like a magnet!"
Aragorn watched in horror as Frodo wrapped each in a seperate cloth, and stuffed them in his sack. "What in all of Middle Earth was that about?"
The others looked at him as if for the first time. They pushed Frodo forward as he had won. "Well you see, it goes like this. You Humans tend to die farely quickly on these quests. We decided seems how you die all the time, and you are more likely to on this quest than any other, why not have a friendly game and wager of it. The others figured you would go first do to your natural wrecklessness. But I knew better, Boromir may have seemed cautious in his life style, but he was too easily tempted by the ring. From there it was easy to see it was only a matter of time and patience."
"You're a lousy cheat!"
"Bite your tongue, Elf! He won fare and square! Besides, you are only jealous that he got the dagger, and got to keep that fancy elf woven under shirt!"
"I still say it would look better on me."
"Have you all gone completely insane?" He stared at Frodo with wide eyes. "Why a lock of their hair with it?"
"Oh, that, Mr. Frodo has a liking for fancy hair. There is a fello' back in the shire that says 'e can match any colorin if 'e 'as a sample of it."
"I thought I told you not to tell anyone about that, Sam!"
"Oh, don' worry none, it aint like I told them abou' them fancies you wear. I think ya look quite rathar nice in them, I do."
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Aragorn screamed as he ran away, ripping his hair out.
"Damn it! How do you do it," asked Gimli as he handed over his other braid to the smiling Frodo. "How would you know Strider would react the way he did?"
"Did I happen to mention I also looked in Galadriel's mirror?"
"FRODO!"
"What, I still won, now pay up!"
End Act One.
****************************************
Crime Scene Six: Techno Soap Opera.
Act One: As the Server Redirects.
All was silent as Middle Earth shook. Something had happened to the space-time continuem, and now all hell was braking loose. Mountains started to crumble, and rivers started to reverse their flow. Elves were laying with Dwarvs, and cats with dogs. It was total chaos.
Galadriel was the only one with a sane head in all this turmoil. Her own husband and consort having left her for Gimli, Son of Gloin. At first she had felt the urge to avenge her sliting by laying with the Dwarv herself, but realized how totally out of character and unappealing it was. Something was wreaking havoc with her world, and she had to find its cause.
Gathering water from the sacred stream in her plain pitcher, she poured it into her mirror. Enchanting it with a few spells and her ring, she opened her eyes. "Show me the cause of this madness that has befallen mine own."
Her mirror started to show the beginnings of a picture when suddenly it flashed and the image was replaced by another.
"What is this trickery?" In anger, she dumped the water and refilled it directly from the stream. She doubled the enchantments on the mirror, and spoke the words once more. "Show me the cause of this madness that has befallen mine own."
Once more the image started, but was flashed and replaced by the second image.
"Curse your creator to mordor!"
The image wavered a bit, and flashed on to another image, this with blinking script.
"Translate into Sindarian."
The text flashed a little, then was replaced by block symbols. More of the original text accompaning it.
Closing her eyes lest she blast her mirror, she waved a hand over them whispering a translation enchantment. A silent hissing was heard and then she once more opened her eyes and read from the mirror. "Error: Unsupported text format. Attempt to download needed script: Failed. What matter of black arts is this?"
The image wavered and was replaced by a logo.
"My-crow-soft." She waved a hand over the image, and it faded. Galadriel decided it was time for her most powerful magic. Storming through her tree home, she flung open the doors to her library and walked through the stone arch ways. Over many flag stones into the heart of the library itself, she continued on until she reached a massive mirror, similar to her personal one, only with its own personal waterfall, flowing over it constantly. Whispering an enchantment into the mirror, she waited its responce.
The mirror returned to her an image.
"Microsoft Support. Complaint department." Something told her that was a hopeless cause and her attention was directed else where. "Search. Why does my mirror not work?"
"Thank you for using microsoft search functions. Your maximum bandwidth has been reached. Please try again in one hour."
"What about Middle Earth, why has it gone mad?"
"Your site has reached maximum memory copacity, please purge information data files before attempting to access again. Until data has been eliminated, server malfunctions will continue."
Galadriel was stunned. Though these words were alien to her, they made sense. Only a few things needed clarification. "What data files are overloading Middle Earth?"
The mechanical female voice continued on. "Mary_Sue112. Mary_Sue278. Mary_Sue932_Hot_Chick...."
"Enough, I understand. There seems to be a heavy inflow of these Mary_Sue files." Clasping her hands, she looked once more into the mirror. "How do I purge information from Middle Earth?"
"Permanant deletion."
A dark smile lit her face. "Something has occured to me, what happens to all the other files attempting to create themselves in Middle Earth?"
"All other attempts to upload information to this site are redirected to secondary servers with less traffic."
"Secondary Servers?" Placing a hand to her chin, Galadriel thought on what the mirror meant. After a moment, she shrugged. Placing her finger tips together, she started laughing meniacly and walked out to delete some files.
~~~~~~~~~~
Mean while, in orbit of the planet Acheron, Ellen Riply blasts away at another alien. "I don't understand, there should not be so many of them. It's like they are appearing out of thin air. Each one perfect replicas of the queen." She moved the arm of the jack suit severing the alien's neck. "Bishop, I need those cannons ready now, three more queens just appeared on the hull."
End Act One.
****************************************
Act Two: The Preventive Pill.
Legolas reached into his tunic, found the compact and pulled it out. He glanced at the thirty day supply and sighed, he needed to get his perscription refilled soon. Breaking the tin foil on another, he pulled out the pill and popped it in his mouth.
"Good thinking, Legolas." Aragorn did the same, motioning for the others of the fellowship to follow suit.
Merry looked at the others in confusion. "What are you doing with those small candies?"
Aragorn looked down at the little Hobbit with a resigned sigh. He had been over this a dozen times. With infanint patience, he sat down and displayed the pink and white case. "These pills are to help prevent our bodies from being possesed by a great evil."
"You mean like those herbs Mrs. Tooke takes to keep her from havin another lil one?" Sam piped up.
"Yes, but these are for a more serious matter." Aragorn braced himself, he knew it was coming.
Merry didn't disappoint. "You mean you can get pregnant if you don't take one of those pills?"
"No, Merry, he means it is for something like it, though." Pippen looks to Aragorn with hope. "Am I right?"
"Quite."
"Then what does it prevent?" Pippen stuck his tongue out at Merry when the other coughed 'brown noser' at him.
Aragorn smiled at their antics. "It helps us keep our bodies under our own control. If we do not take them, a great evil can take over and cause us to do things we would not normally do."
"Oh, you mean like when Merry and I got drunk that time and let ourselves get dittled by Rory Kelhashen behind old man Tooke's hole?" Pippen was unaware of the shocked stares and the silence from the rest of the fellowship.
After a bit, Aragorn's mind came back to him. "Not quite, but similar in principle."
"Ah, okay." Then after a beat. "What happens if we take all them at once? Will it provide even more protection?"
"Uh no, it won't have any effect on you at all other than the time it takes to pass through your system. But then you will have no more left if you do that." Aragorn looked at Pippen sternly. "Have you done that?"
"No, but I did see Gimly do it about three days back. Hasn't had one since."
As if summoned by his words, Gimly grabbed his chest and cried out. The others looked at the dwarf with fear in their eyes as he started to convulse. Suddenly, his body stopped moving and he looked up at Aragorn, his face twisted in an ultra happy smile. "Gee, Aragorn, whatever is the matter?"
Aragorn took another step back, his face going pale at the upbeat voice coming from the usual dapper Dwarf. "Who are you?"
"I'm Gimly, your friend, who else, you silly boy." Gimly turned to look at Legolas. "Legi! You are looking fine, elf! Why aren't you and Aragorn engaged yet? I know you love him, every body does. You should tell him, I know he loves you too. Not just brotherly love, but true soul mate kinda love." Gimly sighed contentedly.
Legolas drew back and aimed an arrow at the heart of the dwarf. "Forgive me, my friend, tis better this way than let you suffer." He released quickly, but was too slow.
Gimly dodged the arrow and ran for the trees. "I know you love him, Legi, it is only a matter of time, you will love him! You will!" His voice carried off as he disappeared from sight.
Aragorn watched with horror. Turning back to the Hobbits, he pointed to where Gimly had gone. "That is why you take your pill every morning! That evil is no longer Gimly. He is no more, a husk inhabited by the evil Mary Sue. Be ever vigilant else it can happen to you!"
The Hobbits as one grabbed their pill compacts and swallowed down the day's pill with a few prayers of contrition for good luck.
End Act Two.
****************************************