Chase Hawthorne (recklessrecluse) wrote in mountzenithnet, @ 2020-10-09 18:43:00 |
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Entry tags: | #day 055, chase |
Chase - 12:15pm [Private]
1. What's something that you know you do differently than most people?
basically everything. not always in a good way. I'm weird and people think I'm weird, but I'm starting to be okay with that. the people that matter are okay with it.
2. Who in this experiment makes you feel safe?
don't always feel completely safe ever, but Kiley, Tobias, Lennon, Owen, Oliver. Pam and Jack, kind of. Cecilia even though she's not here anymore. A few people who aren't here anymore made me feel a little better by being around.
3. Who in this experiment makes you feel unsafe?
no one right now. might have said Scotty a while ago, and I still think he can be kind of a jerk, but I don't think he's dangerous. pretty sure he'd have anybody's back if people were in trouble, he's just mad. wouldn't do anything different as far as his dad, but I don't blame him for feeling that way.
4. What goals have you set in the past that you haven't achieved?
never really had goals. just wanted to be comfortable and be left alone and not be a bother to anybody. did that pretty well. would really like to get the truck working.
5. Where do you wish you were right now?
home, but with Kiley and Tobias and Lennon and Min. and maybe the new cat too, I like him. would like to be at home and know that everyone else is okay too
6. Thinking back to the best day of your life, how do you think those feelings could be recreated?
[........] if it happened when we're finally out of here and somewhere actually safe and free.
7. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
not sure. no degree since coming here. before that maybe a bit, but I had a lot of help. there's a lot I wouldn't have done if I didn't have someone work at getting me to do it.
8. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
both? they both affect other people. I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone unless they deserve it somehow.
9. How do you feel you've changed since becoming part of this experiment?
I'm not as shy. I'm not afraid of anybody here. I don't feel worried that people won't listen if I have an idea about something. people treat me better. feels like I'm more valued, I guess.
10. How are your fears related to your childhood?
probably have a lot of abandonment problems because of mom. or that people will stop caring. probably why I never did much of anything back home. the more people you have in your life the more people who might leave you, which just means hurting more.
11. Do you ever replay something, like an embarrassing moment or words left unsaid, in your head? What is it?
all the time with a lot of stuff. I say and do a lot of weird things. less embarrassing moments and more how people look at me when they think I'm crazy.
12. How do you deal with hurt and pain?
I kind of do what cats do and go somewhere to be alone and kind of hidey, I guess. which is kind of what I did all the time anyway. it's different now that I have people, sort of, but I still don't like being around people too much when I'm not feeling well or I'm hurting. not that I don't want them around, I just don't want them to have to deal with me.
13. Is it easier for you to love or to hate?
I don't know. didn't have much experience with either before here. don't think I hated anyone until Simms. don't know if I really loved anybody until Kiley. both were easy for different reasons.
14. What do you do when you feel afraid?
I guess I make traps.
15. If you could bring back one person that was part of this experiment but has since been removed, who would it be, and why?
Cecilia. I think everybody would be better with her here. I know I would be. mostly for Owen though.
16. What are three things you like about yourself?
whatever makes the people who like me like me.
being able to build stuff.
that I can be useful to people.
17. What are three things you don't like about yourself?
I'm weird.
I don't know if I'm a very good boyfriend.
I don't know if I'm a very good friend all the time.
18. Do you believe in a higher power?
not god, or anything. kind of weird to think that whatever is responsible for everything in the universe ever even cares that earth is a thing with all of the other billions of galaxies out there. whatever makes space and matter and time do what it does is a higher power, right? not theological or whatever, but there's definitely things way stronger and more profound out there, and anything we do here is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. not even a blip on the universe's radar.
19. What makes you special?
being able to build things? I don't know.
20. How do you feel in this moment?
apprehensive? I know you're going to do something bad with the surveys like you always do.