To whoever left the package outside my dorm: haha good for you, you know how to buy books.
I have no idea what great god of douchebaggery stupidity you were, but go ahead and buy up all of the useless books on you - on me. Yeah, just tell the cashier to put it on my tab. No problem. Consider it a gift. Waste for waste, because I'm sure you'll absolutely enjoy reading all about yourself and your romantic failures. The newspaper wrapping was a nice touch. Yeah, I saw the articles. Very clever.
For future reference, though, you got my pantheon wrong. Good job, dumbass.