riley casteling is angrboða, not happyboða (griefbringer) wrote in monte_rpg, @ 2012-04-30 20:22:00 |
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Current mood: | aggravated |
Entry tags: | angrboða, arthur, halphas, heimdallr, hel |
twenty-three.
[It was after her oddly illuminating talk with James that Riley really began to believe she had a problem. Though she'd given him no details, unlike her conversations with Ben and Iris where they got the gist of the nameless partner she'd slowly grown to accept as more than just a passing fling, he somehow helped her realize what her attraction to Jon was really all about. She wasn't even sure why she'd told James all she had; he didn't need to know all that about her; but she chalked it up to wanting him to know she was trustworthy. It was only fair, he'd opened up to her.
So now, he was one of two people who knew why Riley was the way she was when it came to relationships. Between her and Reeve's father never being named or around, and Loki not being there when Odin came and ruined her existence, she had issues believing that there would ever be a man who would want to stay and be there for her when she truly needed them. She had her brother, and her kids -- she didn't need anyone else.
So why was it she'd taken up with the Guardian, someone who by definition was once responsible for keeping watch for anything threatening to cross the rainbow bridge, when by all rights she should be avoiding anyone who seemed even remotely steadfast? That right there was the kicker -- who he once was and who he was now were completely different, but there was still that undercurrent of Jon being someone who she'd term dependable, and that made her happy.
Still, she could never tell him, although she knew she'd slipped up a few times -- dancing with him at the party, discussing the prospect of indoctrinating him in the ways of shower sex and other fun hotel room activities, commenting offhand that if she was going to keep ending up crashing at his dorm she'd need to start leaving a change of clothes there to avoid doing the inevitable walk of shame home to change -- but thankfully he either hadn't heard those remarks or was ignoring them, since she had no idea how she'd react if he called her out on them.
Obviously, she had to stop before she got in too deep, because despite how incredible the sex was she knew there was no way he could ever want to be with a jötunn like her when there were plenty of other hotter, less messed-in-the-head chicks around who were more his style -- she just didn't know how to quit him. So instead, she'd just avoid talking to him unless he talked to her first, and see how that went.]
Alright, thanks to a conversation with a friend, I'm gonna try showing a few things that make me happy. First up, my new baby, Liulfr. He was a gift, and I'm training him to be my guard wolf. I found out his species, the grey wolf, is endangered, so the fact that the black woods have some pups roaming around is pretty fucking sweet.
Second, have some poems. I think they suck, but what the hey.
Shelter From The Storm
I speak, but no one hears, I am irrelevant
I am disturbed, but no-one cares, I am nothing.
The solitude and bitterness crash over me in waves
As emptiness calls to the fractured mind like a siren from the deep
I wallow in the mire, thoughts muddied by the never ending deluge
Deafened by the cacophony, I seek only safe harbour
Twisted, contorted, ravaged by the brutal stabs of the insidious tongue
Sheltering from the storm of acrimony, cowering from the chill of the icy tongues
The paper-thin walls of my mind provide no protection to the venom
I am unguarded.
Futile, misdirected, incomplete strands of incoherent thought weave their path
And are caught, strangled by the web woven by the armada of the uncaring
Floating against the tide, they flounder, sinking into the abyss, the depths
The comfort of the deep lures me to its welcome, draws me to its calm, to the dark
To the loneliness, to the safety net away from the never ending ripples of angst
Venting in the shallows of humanity, I seek solace, tranquillity, peace
Screaming in the silence, distant echoes repeat my words, there is nothing.
Inconsequential, silent, the darkness engulfs me
Crawling on bended knee to the sanctuary of solitude, there are no caves of steel to protect me
Cowering in the darkness, fear is my only friend, solitude my companion of choice
Shattered and splintered, the deep haven provides the only shelter from the storm
The heartbeat in its womb the sound of comfort to a tortured soul
Silence broken only by the rhythm of the heartbeat,
I am alone.
A Dream Fulfilled
Can’t write a song to say how I feel
Don’t know the words to express it
My desire for you can never be shown
So I bury and repress it
Screaming your name from a hillside
There’s no-one around to hear me
Standing alone in a crowded room
Silent, you don’t even see me
Dreaming alone in an empty bed
Craving the lingering smile
Tossing and turning a legion of thoughts
And lust for the victory mile
Holding your hand is all in my mind
The gentle embrace of your touch
That look on your face melts me inside
I want, I need you, so much.
There, I'm done sharing. I'm gonna go walk with my wolf.