WHO: Eli & Chelo WHEN: May 16 WHERE: The Beach, Taboga Town SUMMARY: Heartbreaks old and new. CW: N/A
He'd watched the others pile in, off on another adventure, with a complex feeling that started in his chest and emanated everywhere else. He didn't want to sit back and wait. That's all he'd been doing since they evacuated from Mar Luna. But did he have a right to stand with them—with, especially Titus (Alejo, but he still called him Titus)—after everything that had been revealed the night before? He'd probably been the enemy of everyone he now called friend, and on top of that, he hadn't even managed to keep Titus alive. It was not a good feeling. He'd left the meeting and just fallen asleep, his exhaustion giving him a reprieve from thought at least.
But a new day came, as they tend to do, and so he'd volunteered to help man the fort. Now, once again, he was twiddling his thumbs. It wasn't like he could afford to be idle. He was, after all, a med student. But he couldn't get his mind to focus enough to bother with memorization or notes either. So he'd gone out into the rain, happy for the cover of wet haze, and transformed, going through that series of movement that Pius had practiced every day at least twice a day. To his mind, it felt familiar, and with the magic guiding him, it was easy enough, but part of him still found it all a bit unfamiliar and odd.
Pius was a complex figure for Chelo. So very devout so...brainwashed. He could believe that Gaius was in the wrong, that he was the enemy... And serve the true enemy without question. It was hard to swallow, and perhaps in his mind's eye, within the swing of his flashing blade, the ghost of the man he had been and wanted to forget...hovered. Impossible to cut down, but how he did try...
Eli didn't like being left behind. Joaco and Faihan went to the sewers without him but he had taken a beating and it finally hit him like a bad hangover. But Eli, he thought, manning the fort with the others is still an important job. And sure, okay, but still, he couldn't help but think he was missing something important.
He slept, despite thinking he couldn't, but he did. He slept like a pile of bricks with all sorts of weird dreams from this life and the last. Then he got up and came across Chelo.
"Nice form. But you're hesitating a little."
He offered a smile, trying to be helpful and not patronizing.
Chelo jumped just a little, and his imaginary "Pius" faded from his mind's eye. He lowered the weapon, letting its tip sink a little into the sand, and wiped the rain from his face. After a moment, he worked up a smile. Eli looked tired. Everyone did—even the people who had just been waiting. They may have looked even more exhausted than the ones who'd been out and doing. There was nothing like sitting around and worrying to drain a mental battery.
"My, er, opponent..brings up some complex feelings," he replied, looking apologetic. "How do you feel today?"
Eli smiled back, a bit more warmly and genuinely than Kyo may have with Pius. How much Eli really just wanted to live his best life here and now. How much he wanted to be his own person from his past self, even though he had to do so much reconciling between the two. If only he could just worry about his degree and a will they won't they with Joaco. Alas, not doable.
He rubbed his brow, hoping he would some how feel a bit more awake, "Your opponent? Is he giving you shit? Do I need to set him straight?" Eli laughed a little at his own joke, but turned more serious when Chelo asked him a serious question, "Tired. Wishing I was where they are. How about you? Besides your opponent that is."
"Useless," Chelo replied, rubbing the back of his head as he released the magic and returned to plain clothes. "I'm not a genius, or Chosen, so..." He looked away and shrugged. "Keep a weather eye on the horizon...as they say." Chelo forced another smile. "It's fine though. Anyway, it's important that you get some rest. Mateo should have, too, but... Maybe Gaius... Um, maybe Joaco...that's his right-hand guy for a reason."
Eli lidded his eyes and looked away. Being a Chosen had its ups and downs. Some days it can be rewarding but it can be just as draining. "You don't have to be a chosen to be important. Honestly, it is overrated."
Eli shrugged, forcing a roguish smile, if to make himself feel better. His eyes flashed, his smile disappeared at the mention of Mateo and Joaco. "Probably so. I just want to be useful and prove I can take care of myself and he doesn't have to worry about my safety." He shook his head. "Sorry, I'm just a little tired and I got beaten by a magic tower or something the other day. I can't really rest though. I think I feel more antsy than anything."
"Why do you think he doesn't think you can take care of yourself? You can say what you like about Chosen, but there is a difference. I doubt it's 'overrated.'" He rolled his job stone across his palm. "He's still the same Gaius. I guess...that's a little scary."
"He doesn't want me to get hurt," Eli responded, with a touch of annoyance. "Joaco. Although, that is why we got into the big fight so." He shrugged a little. "It is a lot of responsibility and there are those who are awakened that can still do incredible things. Like I bet you can do some cool stuff." He jerked his chin towards the job stone. Then he laughed, "Yep, same old Gaius." He turned a little bit more serious. "That was messed up. What happened in tower I mean. Back then."
"He doesn't want anyone to get hurt, I think. That's why he did all of this. Didn't...well, Mateo, but besides that." Chelo rubbed the back of his neck, a little nervous at the note of irritation in Eli's voice...a cool feeling not entirely rain moved through him. No one remembered as much, it seemed as Gaius and Titus—er, Joaco and Alejo. But what did other people remember about Pius? He couldn't remember much after the tower, and he hadn't dreamed at all of Pius in the last couple of days... What did Prince Kyo recall...? "Yeah, it was, but...Pius was kind of... I think people from Serenitas, except Gaius, kind of...were messed up."
He breathed slowly, trying to calm himself. "I don't really think I want to learn more. About back then. I think...maybe I'd rather we didn't have anymore memories." His long fingers closed over the stone. "The version of me that he knows..." He bit his lip. "Maybe the version of me that you will know..." But he shook his head and forced a laugh. "You had a big fight?"
Eli shook his head, "Yeah, Joaco doesn't want anyone to hurt or be hurt. And I can respect that. But. I am not the type who is good at staying home nice and safe. I want to be in the thick of it, doing my own version of helping people. But, I am still trying to figure out what that looks like. Kyo struggled with it too." He looked off into the rain, thoughtful. "Yeah, Serenitas was a messed up place. So many people in the closet -- both the sexual kind and also who they really were. No one felt like they could be themselves."
Eli sighed, "I don't think I share that sentiment. I want to know more, even though I'm terrified what I will see and who I will let down. Because I know it is out there and I'd rather just know and get it over with." He looked over to Chelo with a slight smile, "I think -- whomever Pius was and whatever he struggled with as much as it is a part of you, is not you now. And I think at least Joaco knows that."
At the mention of the fight, Eli looked away, "Yeah, we had a fight because we raided the university. I had introduced him to my parents and walked him home and then he wanted to walk me home and..." he shook his head. "Now we're in that weird space again. I don't know. It doesn't matter. Maybe this is good for me to do something on my own out of his shadow a little." He looked back. "Maybe for both of us?"
"It was more than that," Pius replied, shrugging and smiling apologetically again. "Sacrifice was...such a part of the culture. Even the princes were taught to hold sacrifice as this...holy thing. It meant...a member of the Royal Guard...should not outlive the prince he was sworn to protect, especially if that prince was the Chosen of Light. A lot of people even thought being Attendant to the Royal Princes was a cushy job. After all, the Chosen of Light can take care of himself, but..." He had not, and Chelo's stomach twisted every time he thought about that. "I don't want to see Prince Titus die, and I don't want to see Pius turn on his friends and peers to protect the one who's still trying to kill us now." He paused. "I don't really...want to see Pius die...or live in shame either. And that a version of me like this exists...is not a nice thought."
Chelo pushed those thoughts aside. One might have thought he'd have excellent advice on relationships in this life, but he'd really only ever been in two or three—as a teenager—before now and Santi. "One step forward" (meeting the parents) "and two steps back" (breakup). "Sometimes, though...it is better. Sometimes people that we meet earlier in life, it seems like you will be together forever, but some people are meant to be more of a...stepping stone. Not even to another relationship. Just...to the next chapter. They teach you something, they mean something, they are intrinsically part of your story...and it hurts when it ends, but...it's not the final chapter."
Eli thought about Chelo's comment for a moment. Willing to sacrifice. A holy thing. It was so counter to Kyo's upbringing in Guren which was all about self-preservation or Eli's upbringing about endurance in the face of a world where popular conspiracy theories all lead to othering you (many different parts of his identity). He ended up scoffing, not at Chelo, but at that principle of Serenitan culture. He thought of Joaco's willingness to just do everything on his own so he can make his sacrifice and Gaius...
"Yeah, that whole self-sacrifice bit. I gotta say, I'm not a fan. Living in Guren and now, I see sometimes under very specific and rare instances, it is necessary but life is too precious to just give it up. One person dies and it impacts everyone around them. Which is why I understand why you don't want those memories of Titus dying."
Eli considers what Chelo said about chapters and relationships. He felt that pang in his heart again. He gripped his chest for a moment, "It's funny because that happened twice. Kyo felt that and I still feel that. I'm not sure what I have learned from it. That someone can light that flame and leave, letting it burn you down. In both cases, I have to move on and consider other things. I don't know if that makes sense. It is a wise thing though, Chelo. Speaking from experience?"
"Other people...they can't burn you down. Not like that at least. Not unless you let them," Chelo replied in a gentle tone. "But sometimes, when you...wish you could just hate them, so that it'd hurt less to let them go, you let yourself burn and say they were holding the fire. I think it's a normal thing to do." He opened his hand, watching drops of rain slip over the face of the stone. "When I was 15...I had this really...well..." He laughed, his face turning a little red. "Looking back on it, it was overwrought...but at the time, you couldn't tell me that I wasn't meant for Benicio Suárez. He was not the first man I ever loved, but he was the first man I ever had a relationship with, and...the first," he made a vague motion. "You know. And when he left for university...just one month in, and he said we were over. I didn't think I would survive. I didn't know you could feel that way and keep living. To this day..." He laughed a little, taking a shaky breath, but steadying himself.
"It hurt for a long, long time. Not just teenager long. It was part of why I was always scared to be in a relationship while in med school. It was formative for me, and I was really scared that something that all-consuming would happen when I was just trying to get through this program. Med school is hard enough as is, right? But the kind of love where all you can think of is that person, where it feels like your heart will die when it's over... I think it's a painful way to love, and I don't think it's a very healthy kind of relationship to live your life inside. But on the other hand, knowing that there is that much love inside of you, I think it teaches you something good about yourself. It tells you, you are big where it matters, and you have that much love to spare. So when you do meet the person that you fit with in the way that might really be 'grow old and die with,' you have the knowledge that you are more than enough to love them and yourself and everyone within your orbit in a way that feels good for you. And when it's the right person, you'll never have to be afraid that one day, that love will fester inside you—that one day, your own heart will break you."