WHO: Alejo & Faihan WHEN: May 15 (During the Meeting) WHERE: Outside the Meeting SUMMARY: Out in the rain, Faihan and Alejo face the truth about Titus. CW: Depression, character death, grief.
"Faihan!" Alejo was fast and had longer legs, so he tried to stand on his way.
Faihan stopped, just outside the hotel, blocked by Alejo. He had pulled up his hoodie, using it to hide his face as he stared down. "Alejandro... I just..." He rubbed at his face beneath the hood and struggled to keep his voice steady. "I'm fine. Go back. They need you. I'm fine. I just need..."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know for sure until now but—" His instinct was to hold Faihan even if he might get upset, so he did that, leaning in close to wrap his arms around him.
Faihan tried to pull away, shaking his head. "Don't..." he whispered. "Don't look at me..."
"I won't." Alejo tightened his grip, cradling the back of Faihan's head to tuck him against his chest.
Faihan was quiet for a long moment, holding his breath and trying not to make any sound. He trembled a little with the effort. He couldn't stop seeing Alejo on the ground, screaming, when he closed his eyes. Had it been like that?
"I'm sorry. I can't...fix it. I can't...keep any of my promises... I just...mess up everything I try... And everyone...everyone but me... That's...who pays for it..."
"You don't have to fix anything on your own, none of us are expecting that out of you." With his other hand, he stroked Faihan's back.
"That's not it... Just being around me..." He choked, quiet for a second. "All I ever do... Even this afternoon..."
"You're scared, right? That is why you were acting so cavalier."
"No, I..." Faihan hugged himself around the stomach, fingers tight in his hoodie. "I...almost... I... The third stake... I almost overlooked it..."
"It's okay, it's alright to be scared and sad, mi corazĂłn." Alejo moved both arms around him again. "You did your best."
"No, it's not...it's not okay. You..." His breath came a little shorter and thinner for a moment as he remembered Alejo there, at his feet. A soft sob escaped him and he violently shook his head, trying to push that back again. "At Christmas, too... I was why you were in so much pain... I was why you was alone with Nero... And you... It makes so much sense...why I would selfishly want... Because I promised you a world... But I...I'm..."
"You are human, just like me." Alejo pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "I was hurt because I chose to protect you. It's not your fault. I...was lonely in December, but that too wasn't your fault. You don't have to fix everything for me."
Faihan shook his head. "It's not even...that I can't fix it... It's that I break it in the first place... And even now...I'm letting you... What is wrong with me?"
"What do you mean?"
"I'm selfish. I'm being selfish right now."
"Do you think that just because you make mistakes?"
"I make mistakes because I'm selfish."
"How are you any more selfish than anyone else?"
"I just am. I just... I'm not even safe for you to be around," Faihan whispered.
"No, no, explain it to me."
"The reason...I couldn't leave it alone..." He hugged himself tighter, pulling away more insistently now. "I wanted an answer. I can't explain it... I just...wanted an answer."
Alejo tightened his grip. "To what?"
Faihan wiped his eyes, finally looking up. He shrugged helplessly. "I don't know." He looked down. "I'm supposed to... Song is supposed to be about hope, but... I don't know if I understand what that is. Hope...is so painful. Because...because it...it's only what you want, not what will happen... Is it really a good thing?"
"The power to face overwhelming fear and the certainty of hopelessness is not a bad thing at all." Alejo smiled gently, looking at Faihan in the eye. "It means overcoming your pain and fighting for a future you may never see. It's to keep fighting even when everything wants to take you down."
"I didn't let myself hope...before all of this. When something good happened, it was a surprise. I didn't...read into it. I waited...for the good thing to go away, because...that's just how...it felt like things had to be. Just endure. Then I met Badr...and his world was so warm and innocent and full of hope. He believed in that so much, I also...thought maybe he could accomplish anything. And then I...met you...and somehow...you wanted to be with me. Most people didn't like being in a room with me for more than ten minutes, and you wanted to stay by my side? It was absurd. It was so absurd. But when I looked at you, it was like looking at Badr, and somehow, even though I was scared to believe...because I knew things were more likely to go wrong than right... I thought maybe Badr had done something right. That he'd saved Gaius—that he'd reunited with you. That he had made things good, and it was... That he could believe in himself and accomplish things, even if there were hiccups... But that isn't what happened. He left you behind. You died. Everything he was working for...it's just...ash. In the end, he was a liar. Hope was a lie."
"I understand why you feel that way...." Alejo's expression tightened, closing his eyes briefly. "But no matter how things turned out for me and Joaco in that timeline, it doesn't...that doesn't mean it can't be different for the one you're experiencing." He leaned forward to press his forehead against Faihan's. "Despite the hopelessness we experienced, we still moved on and met again. We're together now, even if it was two lifetimes too late. If it hadn't been for Badr and Kamaria, if it hadn't been for their turmoil, we'd never been born together like this."
"But I'm not Kamaria, and... As many mistakes as Badr made..." For a moment, it felt hard to breathe. He waited, until the air came back again, and then, "When you disappeared... You were gone for days... It made better sense, and still...I resented you. I resented you, and... There was this feeling in me, because... Ever since...you were cagey about everything... No, ever since Christmas... I knew something had happened. Something...wrong. Something bad. When you were gone, I couldn't even look for you, because... Because it was there, and... And I was scared that maybe it was the answer after all. I did...all the things I did before you. I worked. I didn't think or feel anymore than I had to. I laid in bed and tried to think about nothing, because it was right there, if I experienced anything. I was afraid of it. I was afraid it had answers...answers that hope doesn't. So I...I wanted the truth, but it wouldn't answer me... It just hurt you."
"But you...were..." Alejo chose not to pursue that and let Faihan continue talking for now, knowing that he had to listen and not talk during moments like these, even if it was hard. "That's because that thing—it's never the answer to our problems, Faihan. To lose hope, to lose the wish of a better tomorrow, is to die a slow death. I...should've said something, but I didn't want to cause you pain over something that can't be changed and that wasn't your fault." He let out a soft sigh, smiling at Faihan despite everything. "I wish there was anything I could say to make you feel better, but this fight with your shadows is one you have to conquer on your own."
It was so easy to throw "hope" around. Faihan had heard it all his life and never really understood, because it felt like a nonsense word, the way other people used it so simply. "Hope" only left him confused and frustrated. But Alejo seemed to grasp, at least, why he would do something so strange as try to talk to that thing. He was missing an understanding, something that would let him put those demons to rest.
Because when he woke up on Thursday, he'd hoped Alejo would have replied to him—might be waiting for him in the car outside even—but his phone has been as quiet as it was in the time before Alejo, and the pain had been paralyzing. And when he decided maybe Alejo really had left him, he didn't want it to be true. As much as he loathed the selfishness inside him that had left him bitter, that bitterness revealed his true desire. If he was so selfish that he could not accept a life without Alejo, then he must somehow become good enough to deserve it. He had to, somehow, bring Alejo joy. Somehow, someway, he needed to be good enough to finally...
"I...I'm just tired from everything that's happened the last few days. I'll be fine. If there is one thing I'm good at...it's...enduring. So, I'm fine. You should go back, in case Joaco needs you. I'm just going to go back to the hotel and...rest."
"I don't want you to endure, I want you to live."
Faihan watched him quietly for a long moment, and then he chuckled. "Maybe...when I've earned it." He sighed and pulled away, tugging at the sleeves of the hoodie, now sodden (again). "I just...need...a moment. Even if you're here in front of me right now, knowing that... Because someday...I'm going to remember that, too, and... And it's just... I just..."
"Amor," Alejo took a step forward, placing his hands on his shoulders. "You can cry in front of me. And I've told you, many, many, many times you don't have to earn the right to be happy."
"You can come with me...if you...really want to. But...really, you don't have to. You won't be missing anything..." He laughed thinly, his eyes watering again. He sighed and looked away, rubbing at them. "I'm okay. I'm really okay."
Alejo reached over to take Faihan's hand in his. "I want to."
"Okay..." He paused, but he closed his fingers around Alejo's. I'm sorry. "...Okay."