[ action ]
I know. [ he well remembers all the reasons that fueled his fury, his pain. they're not terrible reasons. ] But I let it take control of me.
[ and this is important, because he remembers letting it. he remembers the instant of giving in and allowing his grief to become hatred, rage. he remembers how much easier it was after that instant. how his hands had stopped shaking. how much better he had felt, before everything went numb. ]
...I let myself believe you were a monster. I talked myself into it. [ he's starting to lose control of his voice, it's raising and slowly turning shrill ] I took you to him and I held you down! He had the same power you did, but I told myself it didn't matter. I told myself you deserved it--
[ he turns a slightly desperate look on Lelouch, but the other boy is closer than he's expecting; glances down at Lelouch's hand on his. ]