[ he's keeping secrets again, and they feel like lead in his heart. the day Seimei had revealed himself at Gora, he'd proven that he had indeed abandoned Soubi--but he had also lifted the weight of so many of his secrets. without Seimei and without his secrets to keep (without as many of them, at least) Soubi had felt hollow. cast aside and useless. but Ritsuka had filled him again. even though Soubi was a liar and a traitor, Ritsuka had forgiven him. he'd taken his hand and lead him away and slept curled close beside him. Soubi had thought back then that he might burst, because all the love he'd ever felt for Ritsuka boiled up inside him, immense and unstoppable, and it was all he could do to keep it from manifesting in a sob. all this love, so powerful and unfamiliar, so wonderful and painful that he thought for certain he must not deserve to feel it.
he needs Ritsuka. his strength, his warmth, his compassion, his reluctant orders, and the feel of his small fingers curling tight into the back of his shirt when they embrace. he would gladly (except that even cast aside as he is, it is still Seimei who truly owns him. he remembers the day he'd first met Seimei. he'd carved the letters of his name into his neck, and Soubi had been reborn as his. he wonders if it's possible to be reborn a second time.)
but Ritsuka doesn't know that yet. any of that. ]
I'm sorry.
[ Soubi stands slowly, and for lack of anything better, stubs his cigarette out firmly on the cover of his sketch book.
he wants to return to the comfortable peace he and Ritsuka had shared only a week ago, before their differences had come to light. Soubi feels like he's lost something, lost it in the deep divide between them once again. he doesn't know how to bridge it, because he can't...he can't just say, can he? he can't just tell Ritsuka that his brother is alive. it seems cruel, but it's only right. Soubi was never meant to be so at ease. he's learned something, he thinks: the more you love, the more you hurt. but this isn't the sort of pain he'd been prepared for--not at all. and normally he has a better hold on it; normally he can contain it. but it's been so difficult today, and seeing Ritsuka, seeing him annoyed--annoyed at him--is a catalyst. he's felt the awkwardness between them lately keenly, and the reason for it is more than obvious. there's no use in avoiding it any longer. ]
I'm sorry. [ he repeats, though it has nothing to do with smoking anymore. ] I've failed you. [ he feels like he says that so often. he's a broken record. why hasn't Ritsuka traded him in yet? ]