[ Soubi wonders how many times he's heard that; how many times he's been told, urged, ordered not to lie. and yet he's always continued to do so anyway, because he can do nothing else. and Ritsuka continues to put faith in him, continues to believe him. he promises and promises, and always ends up breaking them.
he hadn't had to do much lying recently, and it had been a relief. after Gora, he and Ritsuka were on a more even field; much of the information Soubi had so carefully guarded was revealed there, and then there was no need to hide it any longer. and afterward, Soubi didn't know what Seimei was planning any more than Ritsuka did.
but now it's back to this. back to that rift of secrets between them. it feels like something is twisting in his stomach--shame and anger, frustration, guilt. just when the air was becoming clear--just when he was beginning to think that he could share things openly, voluntarily--all of that progress was rewound, placing them back at the very stage in which their relationship had been rockiest.
so what does he do? the only thing he can, of course.
he lies. ]
It wasn't a lie.
[ but Ritsuka only moves to clutch him closer, and it strikes him again, as it does so often, how absolutely undeserving he is. maybe this is the universe's way of reminding him of that. he'd become too comfortable. he'd forgotten his place. ]