[Things she had to do. It made him feel a little better after the events of her physical rejection the other day. He's the one who had gotten caught up in all the emotions and feelings that were flowing between them. There was no one to blame except for himself.]
It was all mixed up. Cared, yes. That was obvious. But the last person who--[No. It went much further back than that. Much much further back. His brows furrowed in thought as he tried to sort out everything in his head.]
[Hands still shaking, his body instinctively warning him to keep this part of himself locked up. Within his heart though, he knew that in order to get her to really open up to him about these things, he had to be willing to open up to her. No matter how painful. With a deep breath and fearful adrenaline running through his veins, he presses on against the fears that held him back.]
Twins. [He pauses, staring at his hands seriously for a second before starting again.] Twins aren't supposed to exist within the world of the Hunters. Because of how we came to be, it's some curse that affected us. There's a battle for power in utero between the two. Either one steals the others power, killing it. Or they kill each other off resulting in a still birth of both.
Ichiru used to joke around saying "It's because Zero is kind that he let me survive." [Wrapping an arm around the bent knee of one of his legs, Zero leaned his forehead against his knee and just stared at the floor--lost in his own world as he spoke quietly.] He was sick constantly. The medications prescribed to him didn't do anything to help. He refused to take them a lot, claiming the only thing that made him feel better was me.
Our parents were kind and loved him, but he always pushed them away when I was around. He'd sneak out of the house to find me when I was having lessons and he was ill, but he'd run to me with a huge smile on his face and wrap his arms around me like he hadn't seen me in days. The effort of something small like that--he could barely breathe and it only made him more ill. He'd climb into my bed at night, as if just my very presence calmed him.
He hated living like that though, his real feelings would come out between cracks in this façade. He was ill because I'd stolen from him, stolen the life he should have had. He'd make comments about how he wished he'd been born within me instead of something so pathetic.
There wasn't anything I could do to help him but just be there, but even then he spent all of his time trying to convince me that it was him that needed me. That my existance was the important one. [Zero frowns, trailing his tongue over his lower lip to relieve the dryness that had formed.] The guilt I felt everytime I looked at him, knowing he was like that because of me. I wanted him to hate me. I wanted to be dead. I wanted all the love and attention to go to him, to make up for everything I'd done. Ichiru was all that mattered.
[Swallowing deeply, Zero glances back up at her, a little surprised to have gone that deep into the subject.] You know what happened after that...
[He gives a soft sigh before continuing on, still not done.] Do you remember the day with the mirror?
[He figures she does, but it might just be one of those days that stands out to him due to how the events personally affected him from that moment on.]
My wounds were healed. [He knows she'll understand what he's saying by those words alone without having to expand on it.] I'd clung to you like a lifeline between the nightmares and worries, it was a dose of reality I didn't want to see.
Then you started bleeding.
I was twelve and terrified. All I knew was that I had to protect you from myself. What possible reason did I ever have to tell you? I didn't want any of that. I was a teenage kid in love with a girl I wanted to devour and it was obvious those feeling were unrequited. I was slowly losing my sanity and feared I would end up killing you. My priority was just making sure you were safe and happy.