[Somehow, the words feel like they belong to someone else as they slip past her lips. After all this time, the idea that they are having this conversation now somehow seems absurd. Like she must be dreaming. Her mind continues to chew over his question, but no matter how she contemplates it she doesn't have an answer. Not a good one, anyhow.
A weak smile twitches the corner of her lips up as she watches him over her knees.]
I don't know what I want. Right now, all I can think of are the things I have to do.
[Because her wishes are impossible and unable to turn to reality. She can't wish away their circumstances. And she can't control Kaname's actions. As to her feelings, particularly of him, well those are just as complicated. There are a couple of things she can say as fact, though.]
Zero... even if it was never expressed as romantic, you knew I loved you, didn't you? Regardless of the type of love. [A short laugh, before she rests her forehead to her knees. How ironic this is now: ] I cared so much I was going to misguidedly give myself to the madly blooming princess.
[She stares at her toes, before giving a small shake of her head. His words actually hurt, a deep burning sensation in her stomach. All this time...has he thought otherwise? So little of her?]
Don't sound so surprised. Or else I really was a failure as a friend at the least. But even if it's a year later, it's not like I ever stopped caring. I'm not the type of person who can just turn my heart of.
[In the end she doesn't want to think of Kaname right now. Because he makes things just as painful. But because he's brought him back up she doesn't have much choice in the matter.]
Of course I told you my feelings. You were my best friend, Zero. Even if I knew you hated him, I trusted that I could tell you anything, and it would be okay. My fears, my feelings...all of it. But -
[Head rising she catches his eyes, her brown sorrel gaze staring into the pale violet looking back at her. Like searching for a window into his soul, she tries to follow his thought process, how it must have been back then.]
Zero... how could I have ever known your feelings? I won't deny for a second that... that Kaname has always overpowered such an enormous part of my heart. Even now, I still love him. Back then I felt like I owed him and that it was nothing more than a fantasy, but even now I can feel that connection.
But, until that last moment before parting, hadn't you always pushed me toward Kaname? [A shake of her head] No - even then, you contradicted yourself. You never...made me believe that somehow, during that time we were raised together that you -
[Again, she gives the smallest shake, fingers lifting to her lips, as though in memory. That time, where he almost kissed her. During that time he told her it was just a bad ream...]
Why didn't you ever tell me?
[Tugging her hair, her gaze slowly falls back down to stare at the floor, brows knitting.]
By the time I realized...everything was already too late. By the time I realized, all of the damage was already done.