[She settles down beside him, back against the wall. Silences stretches between them, the sound of the horses restless movements the only sound, until she speaks in a quiet voice.]
I'm sorry, Zero.
[Eyes closing, she draws a deep, steadying breath, before her head tilts back and she stares up at the ceiling.]
I'm a complete mess.
[The admission is just as soft as her apology, tired, slightly bitter at her own self though more honest than anything. With Zero... especially with Zero, she doesn't want to lie.]
I don't... I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. For the past year I've been nothing short of mixed up.
[An understatement, but explaining it isn't easy. She's not sure where things are going, either. Only that she can't not address him. Somehow that seems dishonest, too.]
While I was away, every day locked inside that room felt like an eternity. Sometimes I'd lose track of time completely, but always my thoughts were the same. Even Kaname knew. I told him as much...
[No matter how terrible it made her]
I couldn't just forget about you.
[She draws a breath, licking her lips.]
I was really... really messed up. Babied, even. I was too terrified to use my fangs, too terrified to face what I was, and heartbroken. I spent so much of my life believing I'd always have you by my side. Then suddenly, it vanished. And it was my own fault. Everything changed.
[A soft, tired laugh.]
Kaname... no matter what happens, I'll always love Kaname, Zero. I can't change it. Just as I can't remove you from my heart either. If I could remove you both it would be so much easier.
[She's tried. So many times in the past year she's tried to believe that it would be easier if she could, but she can't. And in the end she doesn't want to.]
But I can't forgive him or what he's doing right now.
[A shake of her head, expression torn and hurt.]
When he disappeared, everything turned upside down again. The one safe thing I thought I had after losing it all vanished with the rest. [And still she can't begin to understand why. She swallows, and when she responds again her voice is hollow.]
I lost you both because of my own weaknesses.
[And it tears her heart in half. The ache at times leaves her unable to sleep at night. It hurts. It hurts now.]
I never once imagined that you'd enter my life again. But you have, and every second at the academy leaves me more confused. And yet I yearn constantly for the closeness we once shared.
[That's why she can't deal with this right now. She doesn't know what she's supposed to do. Is it safe? It's like she's balancing upon the tip of a blade, and one wrong move will ruin everything. At last she buries her head in between her knees.]
I don't know what to think or do. It hurts. I'm so mixed up and heartbroken; Over Kaname... Over you, and everything just keeps getting more and more complicated. I've never stopped once caring about or missing you. But I'm scared, Zero. Everything I love disappears.
[Curling tighter, fingers tightening in her hair above her ears]