/whee headcanon
[It's... difficult to explain this properly, though they might be the person who understands it the most.]
... I don't remember a time before Hallelujah, though I didn't realize that it was me doing those things for a long time. I would go to sleep, and I would wake up in solitary confinement. They would let me out, and then it would happen again.
When I finally escaped the facility, there was an incident on the transport we had stolen. That was the first time I was awake when Hallelujah was controlling us. It was... I knew what blood looked and tasted like, but there was so much, and I realized that my hands were the one around the gun. I had thought, for a long time, that the fights I remembered were all dreams or something, and that the voice I heard was just my own imagination talking to me.
... And I realized that he could make me hurt people, make me kill them. And I was scared... and he can still do that. I realize now he usually only does it to protect us, but still...
I know I'm the one who chose to fight, and that blood will still be on my hands until the day that war is eliminated from humankind, but I still don't like killing people if I don't have to. He likes killing... and so yes. I'm scared.