[ ... ] Okay, here's the short version. [ for people with very short attention spans! ]
Welcome to jail. You'll be spending the rest of your life here, because of blah blah blah. A list of your crimes back home goes here, by the way.
[ gestures expansively ] Some kind of machine is running the place, and it replaced you with a "non-criminal" version of yourself so no one will even know you're gone.
...Yeah, I think that about covers it. In, you know, the really really broad strokes.